another day in mac paradise

Hello friends!

2011-10-29T21:33:00.002-04:00

Long time no see. I've just not had much to write. All tho life is full and rich! And to God be the glory for all of it!! So I'll update you on my precious boy...

He is 8 months old. He crawls backwards but not forward. He rolls around and can sit up on his own. He pulls up to his knees but not standing all the way (but soon! EEK) He blows kisses, smiles and laughs in glee. He has two bottom toofies an has the most amazing blue eyes and is FINALLY getting some hair! He loves to snuggle when he's tired. And is a fabulous eater! To the point where I turned his nose orange from all the orange veggies I was feeding him! LOL...He is an amazing little boy and I am abundantly blessed!

Its still so hard to believe at times that this little boy is MINE. That he is my son that I wake up to every morning babbling in his crib. I'm so grateful!! I think back to the journey, what lead us to Sam, all the years of pain, hope and tears. And here we are!! And its passing so quickly, he is growing and changing every day. And my heart is so full it could just burst!! Thank you Lord for this gift!!

Work is great, very busy but I'm enjoying it. Matt is still living with Apple poor guy. But he maintains his job for the sake of us. I'm grateful. Our exciting news is that I am gonna be an auntie for the first time on my side. My bro and SIL are pregnant and due in April! Sam is gonna have a precious cousin. We are very excited!

Oh this journey. This life's walk that we are on!! It is so twisty and turny, ups and downs. I still wonder why I was blessed and so many others have not been yet. My heart still breaks for those I love who are struggling for littles of their own. I know I did nothing to deserve this little boy and God blessed us anyway. Its like our Salvation. I did ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve my salvation, yet God blessed us anyway. What an amazing giving God we serve! To so generously give me my son, and His. I've been sitting in wonder of that lately. And so humbled and grateful as well.

My heavenly Father. Thank you for these precious gifts in my life! For a husband who loves me abundantly and unconditionally, for a home that protects me from life's storms, those silly fur babies that drive me nuts, a secure job that I enjoy, my miracle son that I get to hold and love on every day, and most importantly, for your Son and the salvation we have received because of Him. I'm so grateful and thankful....

I know many who read this are still waiting on their miracles. And please know that my heart has not forgotten, I KNOW where you are at, how you are feeling and hurting. I think today I just wanted to make a point of reminding us all to be THANKFUL for the blessings in our lives. Our precious spouses, homes, jobs. And my prayer is that I will be rejoicing with you soon on your own miracles.

No rhyme or reason today! Just random thoughts. Thank you to those of you who still come by to see if I've written. I see there have been tons of hits!! I'm honored!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Rainbow Babies...

2011-09-11T00:33:00.004-04:00

I'm stealing this from a girl (Laura) on Hannah's Prayer. She had posted it about our miracle babies, and this is just the perfect words for this journey...

Short and sweet! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

RAINBOW BABIES

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

Promise...

2011-08-25T22:15:00.002-04:00

I've not gone missing!! Life has been CRAZY! New job, new routine. I just can not keep up!! this working mom stuff is HARD! But I'm so in love!

I have a couple of started posts that I'll need to go back and finish...

For those who have checked on me, THANK YOU! It is appreciated! We are not gone, only detoured and running a bit on empty! :-)

However, before I go, I must say that I am the proud mommy of a SIX MONTH OLD today! I can't believe how the time has flown! He is sitting up, rolling forward and backward, eating all kinds of fruits and veggies, smiling, laughing, and just overall being the light of our lives! I'm abundantly blessed that I am so busy with MY SON! God is good!!!

So this quick post will be left with a video...Mr. Sam Chit Chattin'.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Samuel's Dedication...

2011-07-17T09:50:00.003-04:00

Oh my, we have a son that we are dedicating to the Lord!! Oh Lord I never thought it possible, I had given up hope that this day would come! Yet we prepared today to return this precious child to you, and promise to raise him in Your name! Thank you Lord for this miracle boy!

The service was amazing. And appropriate as Pastor Tom spoke Honor and preached out of 1st and 2nd Samuel. What an honor! What another God thing! As this day had been postponed twice only to end up having dedication on the very weekend Pastor spoke on Samuel. You can actually watch the sermon here: Honoring What God Honors .

So our church does a beautiful thing for the dedicated children. They gave us a letter, a letter that we will give our son when he accepts Jesus into his heart. It tells of how his mommy and daddy brought him to the church to be dedicated before the people, promising to raise him in the Lord, and how he is a child of God. That he was loved before he could even understand the word, and that his church family lifted him up in prayer, rejoicing in the gift God had given to this world. How awesome is that? Plus he got his first bible. It was just amazing! I'm so humbled by the gift that God has given us!!!

We then celebrated at mom and dad's house. Had family over and a food and fellowship, celebrating this little boy. God is so good! Thank you for this gift dear Lord!!! Here are some photos. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Quiet Sunday Morning

2011-07-03T09:01:00.002-04:00

I'm listening to both my guys snore. Its just lovely. No really, it is. :-) To hear the two guys in my life that I'm just utterly in love with. I'm beyond blessed! Its amazing to sit back and see the wonderful things God has given me! I wish I had words of gratitude for all I have been blessed with.

No real point to this post today. Just sittin' back and babbling away. We had a wonderful July 4th service at church yesterday. Our pastor was on fire for restoration in our country. I'm in complete agreement! Totally ready for our nation to return to the ways of the Lord. To bring Christ back to the heart of our country. Regardless, I'm so grateful to live in a free nation. And so thankful for those men/women who have fought for that freedom, continue to FIGHT for my freedom. I'm so thankful! Grateful I can blab on an open blog about My God and all He has done for me!! Thank you Lord for freedom!

Sammy is gettin' big. His 4 month check he was at 16 lb 7 oz and 25in long. He's got a big ol' head and the MD says he's just gonna be a big boy. That could go without saying!! Look at the height/weight of those he comes from!! Football player maybe? Ha! What a blessing this little boy is. I just have to pinch myself every day, truly remembering he is MINE. All mine! Thank you Jesus for him! What an amazing testament to the power of our Lord! My own little miracle. Ok not so little anymore. :-) Look how far we've come!

Crazy...Again no real rhyme or reason to my posting today. Just feel like thanking Jesus for all the gifts in my life. My husband, my son, my freedom, my family...Most importantly, MY SALVATION, because w/o that, nothing else matters! Thank you Lord for this journey you have taken me on! I can't wait to see what else is in store!

Happy Birthday America! May everyone have a fabulous 4th of July! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

What a special day!

2011-06-17T11:34:00.005-04:00

Today marks one year that my son was created. Isn't that crazy that I know the date that my son was created?? Its funny to have a picture of a time that is normally hidden. Creation that is done in the silence of one's body. Something that only just recently advanced science has been able to witness. The creation of LIFE.

1 year ago today I was wheeled into an operating room where the weeks of hormones, shots, ultrasounds and bloodwork presented itself in the form of 10 eggs being removed from my ovaries. (its not a fun place, lemme tell ya) And then those eggs were mixed with Matt's guys (tee hee) and my little babies were formed! How AWESOME is that?? Life was created...MY CHILD'S LIFE.

Even tho its all so "medical". The intervention was not that of a marriage union, but one of needles and medicine, it still brought me this precious son I have in my arms! But to think, even with all this technology, science has yet to perfectly re-create pregnancy 100% of the time. If they could, there would be no IF, no broken hearts yearning for a child. Still in all this modern technology, God's masterful hand has to be in it. HE still has to breathe life into this creation. And I'm so very thankful that He did! Because I have my precious son!

So today I celebrate the creation of my child's life! ( and his 6 frozen embryo siblings) I'm so thankful that the beginning of this journey started today, 1 year ago. The journey to my son. Thank you so much Lord for this precious child of mine!!!

Have a blessed day in the LORD!

This is Sammy as a 5 day Blastocyte

And THAT turned into THIS. God's amazing CREATION!!!

Busy busy busy!

2011-06-05T10:13:00.002-04:00

I'm such a bad blogger! I'm so sorry my faithful readers. :-) But can you tell work started? Cuz I have NO TIME TO WRITE NOW!! LOL...I'm adjusting to being a working mom, but I'm grateful to have the means to care for my family!

First off, NEW JOB! God is so good. I'm working at Palms West Hospital again!!! I feel like I've come home. I LOVE working at the hospital!! Its such a joy! Hands on with the patients, AND I get pediatrics and adults. I'm working in ASU aka Ambulatory Surgery Unit. Basically we are the Pre-op department that you start in just prior to going into surgery. Its fast paced and wonderful ladies work there, and I'm enjoying it. Not to mention the fact that I only work 2-3 days a week and get to spend 4-5 days with Sammy! Its perfect! God is so good for bringing this job into our life!!!

Sammy is getting BIG! I don't know how much he weighs b/c he hasn't seen the Pedi, but I'd say a good 15lbs! He is developing such a personality and temper! He is starting to reach for stuff and LOVES to try and sit up and stand! I put together an exersaucer for him yesterday and he is almost tall enough for it, about 1/2 in too short! But I'm thinking it will be fabulous for him. He is relatively sleeping through the night, about 10-10.5 hrs a night? Trying to get on a napping schedule, but I'll be happy with sleeping through the night!! Oh and he is so full of personality, smiles and giggles. He loves to have conversations with anyone who will listen. He is such a joy! I'm in love with this little boy.

Mother's Day this year was so different then what we've had for the last 7 years. I spent it in Miami with my parents, aunties/uncle, cousins and of course my SON. MY SON, wow, those words are still so surreal to me. I'm a mom!! I have a precious little boy of my own!! Its so crazy to think about! And I'm truly grateful for this little boy in my life! What a precious blessing he is!

I enjoyed being able to celebrate MY mom, because she has stood by me for all these years, giving me the space I need, not forcing me to celebrate a heartbreaking day, being the generous loving mom that she is. Giving up her day for my peace. So to be able to celebrate this year, not just me now being a mom, but finally celebrating together MY mom, it was a blessing. I'm so blessed to have her in my life! She is just the most understanding, kindest, gentlest, most loving person in the world!!! And lucky me, I GET HER FOR A MOMMY!! I'm so lucky! I love her with every breath I breathe! Thank you Lord for this precious lady in my life! My son is blessed to have her for a Nana.

Well , its not much of an update, but I wanted to show that I am still here! Nothing real profound to say, but grateful for the oppurtunity to say it! ;-) Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

Mothers-to-be Day

2011-05-04T22:44:00.005-04:00

I was scanning through Facebook when I noticed a post from our IVF clinic. I love how they post notes of encouragement, hope and just good ol' heart filling tidbits. They are just fabulous like that! They make it not just about "come get treatment here! Give us thousands of dollars!! We are the best!" blah blah blah. Their bottom line is not about the $$ but about the success and truly bring joy to those who desperately want a child. They are pretty awesome like that...

Anyway, so I noticed today that they posted a note for "Mothers-to-be Day". Intriguing thought, so of course I went to read it. It was just so encouraging, I had to post it here....ENJOY!

She broke the bread into two fragments, and gave them to the children, who ate with avidity. “She has kept none for herself,” grumbled the sergeant. “Because she is not hungry,” said a soldier. “Because she is a mother,” said the sergeant. – Victor Hugo

The other day I ran into another one of those patients that always makes me smile when I see her. She brought me up to date on what was happening in her life. It was a story of debilitating pain and multiple surgeries to try and relieve the pain. Instead of relief she developed a tumor in the area that required more surgery. In the end she was still in just as much pain and on chronic medications for it. I expressed my heartfelt sympathy for what she has had to go through. She smiled and said she’s fine and that she is almost off of the pain medications because she is planning to come to see me soon to try to have another baby. She was coming off of the medications not because she didn’t have pain, she was coming off of the medication because she wanted to have another baby. I looked into her eyes – and her smile and realized I am a better person for knowing her.

Mother’s day is upon us. It is not that welcome of a holiday for my patients. Gifts passed out at church or given by a well meaning spouse do little to fill the void of yearning that brings them to my office. We hear stories about the great love, sacrifice and courage that mother’s have for their children, but little is said about the incredible love, sacrifice and courage of my “mothers-to-be”.

It takes incredible courage to acknowledge that there is even a problem. We all want to believe that we are in control of our lives and to acknowledge that there is a fertility problem is to internalize a lack of control over this incredibly sensitive part of their lives.

It takes courage to seek medical attention. No one likes to see doctors (I’m over a year late for my colonoscopy), and the trip to the fertility doctor is a particularly difficult journey.

It takes courage to undergo procedures that are not comfortable and are in an area where discomfort is particularly unwanted.

It takes courage to face the possibility of disappointment. Studies have shown that when a woman experiencing infertility has a period, indicating that once again she is not pregnant, she experiences the same degree of grief as if her brother or sister had just died. Most of us will go through that only once or twice in our lifetime. Imagine going through that every month for years. Then imagine going through a specific procedure to get pregnant and having it not work.

It takes courage to hope that it will work the first time and proceed , and even greater courage to experience a failed attempt and then turn around and have the courage to hope again.

These women undergo great sacrifices.

They sacrifice the intimacy of what was supposed to be a wonderful and intensely personal experience with their partner for a doctor’s office.

They sacrifice time on often repetitive visits for monitoring and procedures.

They sacrifice financial resources as they struggle to have something that everyone around them seems to receive without thought and sometimes with disdain.

They sacrifice personal comfort, sometimes thinking that if they experience pain, they will be more worthy of the “gain” they so desperately seek.

Why? Why do they do this? They do this for the same reason the mother gives her bread and goes without. They do it for love. The only difference is that they do it for a deep abiding love for a child that they have not yet held, a voice they have not yet heard, a smile they have not yet seen, and a touch they have not yet felt.

My smiling patient had experienced infertility for 10 months when she came to see me. It was clear that each passing month was difficult. She had endometriosis and her husband had a sperm problem. We unfortunately discovered that her biological clock was more advanced than it should have been. When two months of inseminations failed, she went immediately to IVF. She required high doses of medication to produce 9 eggs but only made 4 embryos. One of them would be her beautiful baby boy.

Sixteen months after delivery, she was back for a brother or sister. She did IVF again. Similar story with a positive pregnancy test but then the pregnancy hormone dropped, leaving her with what is called a “biochemical pregnancy”. The pain from her medical condition had reached a peak and she had to stop infertility treatment to pursue that. She returned two years later after many surgeries and no relief in her pain with the intent to continue but could not. She returns now two years later having experienced a tumor where her pain surgeries had been and having had an additional 7 biochemical pregnancies – and she still wears a smile. She is the epitome of the courage, sacrifice, and love that characterizes mothers in general and the “mothers-to-be” that I have the privilege of associating with every day.

To each of them and to mother’s everywhere, Happy Mother’s day!

Drew V. Moffitt, M.D., FACOG, is the co-medical director of the Arizona Reproductive Medicine Specialists (ARMS), the director of the Division of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center and an assistant professor at the University of Arizona. He is now president of ARMS and director of the Division of Reproductive Medicine and infertility for the residency program at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center. Dr. Moffitt has significant clinical experience in assisted reproductive technologies and reproductive surgery.

How awesome is that?? And so true!!! I hope you find some encouragement today, just as I did... Have a blessed day in the Lord!

National Infertility Awareness Week

2011-04-25T13:46:00.000-04:00

Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week

IF has changed us forever. Even though Sammy is now here, we continue to stand beside all of those whose arms ache and long to hold a child of their own, whose hearts grieve the children born the other side of heaven, and those whose journey is not yet over. We will not forget how incredibly blessed we are and will not stop praying for those who are still waiting...

Stand beside that person in your life who is walking this journey. Hold them, pray for them, hug them. Remind them that even if you do not understand their journey, you are there for them. I will never EVER forget...

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

I have to share....

2011-04-21T15:52:00.003-04:00

Lookie what I got today!!!

Tons of smiles and cooing! Sammy had his 8 week appt today. I have such a big boy!!! He is up 2lbs in 3 weeks!! He is now 11lbs 14 oz 22.5 in long!

He did so good w/his shots, screamed bloody murder, but calmed down real easily. I on the other hand, my poor mommy heart! Some tears, but we survived!

BUT OH MY before our appt, he broke out into big ol' smiles! And giggling and cooing with the smiles and staring at me! OH it melted my heart!!! It lasted for like a 1/2 hr while I was on the phone with my mommy! It was so amazing! Oh I am in love with him!! He is just so precious! Praise you Jesus for this miracle!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Transition, Healing and Inspiration...

2011-04-12T22:55:00.005-04:00

Hello my friends!! Oh my, life is crazy, exhausting, but oh my heart is so full! Sammy is 6 almost 7 weeks old. He is growing like a weed, bright eyed (BLUE eyes I might add) and starting to smile. My mommy heart is just melting as I watch him grow and change every day... I'm truly blessed to have this little boy in my life!!

This is gonna be looooong. Get some coffee or a small snack before you sit down to start reading! :-)

I'm thankful for maternity leave because lemme tell ya, besides the physical exhaustion, I'm emotionally and spiritually zapped as well! My brain has been trying to write a post for several days now, but I keep getting interrupted. Mom told me to give the baby to Matt and sit down and write. So that is what I am trying to do! HA! (all tho it still took me a couple days!)

The last few days, specifically Friday through today (Tuesday) has been a WHIRLWIND of emotions and stuff. I don't know if I can make this make sense, but I'm going to try.

On Friday I was chatting with Matt. Mother's day (MD) is approaching, and even though I am a mother, I find myself struggling with the day. Crazy right? I need to be happy I'm a mom doggone it and I need to "get over" the fact that I WAS infertile and am now NOT. Sounds simple enough. And for some who have walked this journey, maybe that transition was easy for them, maybe its because I'm still so new in this identity that I'm not quite there yet. Still living on adrenaline and caffeine really!

I've been the "IF chick" for over 7 years. That is an identity that has defined me in every way shape and form: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've spent years hiding on MD, running from the approaching pg belly, ducking out of baby showers, avoiding mother's gatherings and spending the days protecting my very sensitive, IF heart. I've grieved and hurt and struggled for YEARS, been through loss of hope, anger, frustration and despair. And now, it feels all of a sudden, that identity has DRASTICALLY changed. I AM A MOM. Obviously mentally I'm quite aware, and physically as well (considering I spend my days being MILKED like Bessie the Cow). However emotionally? I haven't caught up. I struggle with residual pain, uncertainty and years of wounds that just don't miraculously "heal" because I now have a baby. Sammy is not a magical band aid that cures years of pain and to expect him to is much to big of a burden for such a little person. Besides, my healing needs to come from Christ alone. Does having a child help? Oh absolutely without a doubt! But I still need to work through the junk that IF leaves behind, and in only Him alone can I succeed. It amazes me how IF even intertwines in THIS part of my life, being a mom...

That said, God is working on me! He is helping me to TRANSITION into who I am as a mother to this precious little boy. He is throwing people in my life who are helping me! On Saturday, I went to my friend G's house for a "family" Easter egg hunt. Huh something I'd have avoided like the plague up til now. G is also a fellow IF chick, now the proud mom of 3 1/2 miracles. G called me up and told me I needed to be around other mommies. I need some adult/family time, learn to be in this new phase of my life. So I bundled up Sammy and my nerves and went to her house. And God love her, she totally welcomed me into the mess-ah kids and moms and dads. She shared our story briefly and I was welcomed with open arms. Score one for being a Mommy! I tackled my first "mommy" outing. WOW, I love how God gives me just who and what I need!

So this lead to Sunday and a 2 1/2 hr conversation with my mom on the phone. (I love her, she is just the bestest BFF in the world). I was explaining to mom how God is showing me and helping me to transition into this new life role of being a mom. Helping my emotional to catch up to my mental and physical. I shared with her the struggles I was having with MD, not only b/c of the past difficulties I've had with the holiday, but also knowing that there are hurting hearts that are going to be struggling that day, and I just can't forget those that have not moved on yet. Those who are still waiting, arms still aching, hearts still hurting as they hold on to what thread of hope they have left. MY heart is breaking FOR THEM. What makes me so special that God allowed me to move forward while they are still having to wait. It's a hard place to be.

But my mom reminded me that, just like I had to do when it was me watching someone move forward while I had to wait, I can not let someone elses heartache decrease the joy of MY miracle. I can't allow satan to steal my joy for the son that God has given me. I will forever be able to understand and empathize with an IFer, my journey will always be there in the background. It is part of who I am. It has molded and shaped me into the woman/daughter/wife/mother that I am today. That will never change. However I can not diminish my joy because I am just robbing myself, my husband, my son, our family of the essence of this miracle. And diminishing my joy will not help anyone who is walking this IF journey. If I allow it, satan wins. Instead it is time for me to HEAL. Time for me to just sit in the presence of Jesus, praising Him for the miracles in our life! WOW powerful stuff right??

I told mom that day that I wished that there would be SOMETHING good that came of all those years of heartache. Of course Sammy is "something good" but I mean that it wasn't in vain. That our IF journey, all that we went through was not in vain and ultimately that God would receive the glory in all things. That just by God using our journey to help one life, that will make it all worth it, b/c then God can be glorified in the heartache and the pain.

I was breezing through our blog, the months prior to finding out about the IVF coverage, and came across this post I'd written...Funny how I don't always remember writing stuff, but how I can look back and God slaps me silly all over again, reminding me why I do this, why I pour my heart out to the world wide web. I had posted Psalm 40, but it was verses 1-5 that hit me when I read them again, and what I'd written...

Psalm 40
For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

Now for those who know me, know US, has God not shown us amazing blessings? Just rocked us with shocking WOW times, right??? Verse 5 just totally is a psalm of "us". I love this psalm, it may be one of my new life "verses"...I pray that verse 3 is that the miracle will happen and those who are around to see it, will know the ONLY WAY was that God stepped in and intervened...

Man my God has stepped in and intervened!!! Which leads me to Inspiration. All I've ever desired from this blog is to be a shining light for Jesus. That maybe, just maybe, by sharing our hearts cry, our story of struggle, sacrifice and redemption, that God may use it for His glory. That someone "may see what He has done and be amazed", and they "will put their trust in the Lord". It would make all of it, every single step of the last 7+ years worth it. And God would be praised.

And my God is just awesome, because not only does he hear my hearts cry, answer my prayers and hold me in His arms, he again shows that He is working in my life. Every day, right this moment. On Monday I received a note from a lovely lady, Mrs. C, who has been following our blog and recently started posting to it and sharing HER life with me. (she lives in Ireland by the way) I am humbled that someone on the other side of the world would take interest in our life. She had asked if she could post a link to our blog on her blog, to share some of our journey with her world. I had said yes, not thinking anything of it. Oh my, she absolutely knocked my socks off!! This precious lady wrote the most humbling and heartfelt post that has left me in tears. (I'll post the link at the end) Simply put, she wrote that our blog was the inspiration for her blog and why she is sharing her life with the world. That maybe, just maybe, someone down the road, may be encouraged by her life's journey just as she was encouraged by our journey. Being an outstretched hand of God.

Just the day before I had told mom, that just one life touched by Jesus, one GOOD thing to come of our heartache, and it wouldn't be a journey in vain. And the NEXT DAY, God showed us that He continues to be faithful, and "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord". ALL THINGS work together for good!! ALL THINGS! My IF is not in vain, my heartache is NOT in vain, our journey was NOT IN VAIN! GOOD has come from all of this! Praise Jesus!

What a journey! What momentous ah-ha time in my life!! I'm transforming into this new being, this new stage in my life while all along God is continuing to inspire. What I prayed would be used to help someone else's life, turned around and is helping me. I can finally say, it is OK for me to change, OK for me to transform, OK to let go of heartache that I've held on to for so long. And because of that, it is OK for me to FINALLY start to heal.

What a mighty God I serve!! Have a blessed day in the Lord...

LINK to the post from Mrs. C. Check out her blog and her reason for it's name. She is an amazing writer.

Just some pictures...

2011-03-23T15:53:00.004-04:00

Sammy will be 4 weeks old on Friday. Holy MOLY!!! He is going through a major growth spurt right now and sucking the life out of mommy! Oiy...But he is still cute as can be! Have no idea how much he weighs, but he feels 9lbs already!!! He'll be out of newborn diapers in a week if that. Thankfully the diaper fairies had given us CASES of size 1 and 2 diapers, so we are set for a while! YAY Praise God! Even in this, God has provided!! We are truly blessed!

First here is a link to his newborn session by Jamilah's Creative Touch. You'll have to make a sign into Pictage, but you'll be able to see the photos. (I think you can see my maternity photos too).

Sammy's Newborn Photos

And here is some randomness. Snuggles, bath time, and just plain cute! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

My heart is touched!

2011-03-22T00:07:00.003-04:00

I am amazed. One that anyone has ever READ this blog outside of family, and two, that there are people out there who have been excitedly awaiting my post about Samuel's arrival! WOW...I'm honored and touched! THANK YOU for sharing in our life's story!! How did you ever find us???

Life is a whirlwind!! Whirlwind of excitement, busyness, emotion, and of course DIAPERS. I literally sit in awe, weeping, that THIS is MY child. Here to stay! Not for me to give back to someone! MY CHILD!! Oh praise you my Lord! I don't know quite how to put into words how thankful and overflowing my heart and soul are!

In fact, I'm sitting here in tears as I type this, listening to my darling husband debate with Sammy that a slightly dirty diaper is not that bad, and he really shouldn't cry so loud because he's not REALLY that wet. As funny as it sounds, it fills my heart! My life long dream has come true!! I'm a mommy! And that silly hubby of mine is a daddy...To an absolutely beautiful miracle!!

Tears I guess are just a fact of life these days. My heart is just so full it must overflow somewhere. But not just tears of joy and gratitude, but tears for those I have "left behind" by becoming a mom. Those whom I love dearly, who yet to hold their precious little ones in their hands. They are not far from my mind. Even in the hustle and bustle of a new baby, I'm still hurting and begging God to bring THEIR miracle as well. And a lot of "why me God? What did I do to deserve this precious gift?". I still wish God would give just a tad bit of insight on this journey, mine, my friends, my family. Why 7 years for us? Why 10 for others? and why never for some...

See I'm all a mess. But as I put my little boy down to bed tonight, and sang a church hymn I've only ever sang to other people's kids, that I've wondered if I'd ever get to sing to my child, my heart rejoices in all this. And I praise Him in all things. God is still good, as my heart overflows, and other hearts break, God is still good. Maybe its our turn to bring hope...

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

The arrival of our Miracle....

2011-03-02T23:56:00.003-05:00

Forgive me for not posting more since January. The last few weeks of my pregnancy were quite difficult and long, and I pretty much came home and crashed each evening...However, pregnancy is behind me as our son has arrived!!!

It has been a WHIRLWIND of a week!!! Sammy made an early appearance at 38wks...First the important stuff:

Samuel Russell MacIntosh
Born 2/25/11 at 2:01pm
7 lbs 10 oz, 20 in long

I went in last Thursday 2/24 to my doc as usual. Was excited to make it my last day of work on Friday b/c I was BURNT!~ He did all the normal stuff, non-stress test was fine, biophysical profile u/s was perfect, BP was up a bit 130/90 but outside of a headache, felt like a normal day. Baby was high still, only started effacing, no dilation, but seeing as I had 2 weeks to go, I had plenty of time to make progress. Then they checked my urine. 2+ protein. Well that grounded me, no more work, and he was worried b/c I was showing signs of pre-eclampsia. He drew labs and if they were funky, baby would come on Fri by C-Section (CS), if OK, then we'd see about starting an induction on Monday or Tuesday.

Yea, didn't make it to Monday...

Cried all the way home, didn't want the CS, scared of the CS, wanted something NORMAL for once. Stinkin' IF made everything cold and medical, wanted something to be natural, but also want healthy baby...Just was hard. Thankfully mom came to the rescue as always! Gave me an outlet to cry it out, discuss my fears, and just come to the acceptance that a CS may be what we need, but whatever gets Sammy here safe is what is important. So we went to our final birth class which ironically was about CS's...And went home for the night to hydrate and put my footsies up. (I swelled quite a bit my last 4 weeks)

About 10pm I noticed my head was really hurting, just laying on the couch on my side, not feeling quite right. So silly nurse me too my BP. Yea I went through 3 different cuffs b/c I wasn't believing what I was seeing. Unfortunately i was getting 170-180/100's. Um, not good. Called my OB and of course they told us to go to the hospital. Poor Matt was just getting a cold and had only gone to bed an hour before, had to wake him up and tell him we had to get a move on!! I was NOT prepared, didn't have a bag packed or anything. I figured I'd have another week of chillin' at home to get ready for Sammy. HA, NOT.

We arrived at the hospital just before midnight, my admitting BP was 230/110, they immediately turned off all lights, laid me on my side, drew boat loads of labs and wouldn't let me up to do anything. Scary stuff. OB was called and came in and we made the decision to go ahead and delivery Sammy on that day (Friday)...I have to tell you, my OB is fabulous, he knew what to say and how to get me ready to go and I knew that God would keep us in His hands. (My OB is a christian and just outstretched hand of God!) God blessed us with the perfect staff member for every situation we went through. Our nurses just ROCKED!!

I digress. Anyway they put me on a magnesium drip and prepped for surgery, and at 2:01pm on Friday, Sammy was born. His head got STUCK in my belly and took a vacuum and another doctor laying across my belly to push him out the CS opening. Good heavens, I think they were moving furniture! He had a lot of respiratory difficulty when he was born and was taken to the nursery right away. All though I did get to see him for a moment and take a picture of our new family of 3. Matt went with him and got to cut the cord and all that fun daddy stuff.

He stayed in the nursery for several hours to get his lungs under control needed a lot of o2 and stimulation to get him going, but then he perked right up. I was left on the Mag til 24 hrs post CS. Oh my awful drug. I was not allowed up, I couldn't get up, I couldn't feed, I couldn't change him, he wasn't allowed to stay in the room with us, couldn't do anything you are supposed to do when your little one arrives. Thankfully the nurses would literally just come and latch him so he could do breast feeding (BF). It was a ROUGH 24 hrs post CS. I melted down on Saturday morning, but my hubby and mom stepped up and have been just taking care of me and caring for everything I needed. The mag did exactly what it was supposed to do, kept me healthy, prevent seizures and strokes, but oh its a hard road!! Its amazing w/in an hour of coming off the mag, the smoke faded, I could think clear, my grip and muscle strength came back! It was like the song "i can see clearly now the rain is gone".

Thankfully Sam got better respiratory wise and Saturday I went off the Mag, so it slowly got better after that. He was finally allowed to stay with us all day on Sunday. I was up and moving around and everything was just better. I finally got to snuggle and love on my little man all I wanted.

We were finally able to come home on Monday, my BP settled and the pre-eclampsia went away. Phew. My doctor told me later that he was scared to death, b/c I was so hypertensive he thought I'd have a seizure or a stroke...And lemme say how happy I am that I have a proactive doc that saw me twice a week! Probably saved my life! i wouldn't have been diagnosed until this past Monday if I saw him only weekly b/c the Monday before I'd been fine. God is good! He has definitely guided us through this journey every step of the way.

So we are getting used to our routine (ha, as if that exists yet). And sleep deprivation is a way of life. But oh he is so precious and beautiful and I'm just humbled by this gift! I can not believe he is HERE! And in my arms, healthy and precious. So sorry this was long. Who knew this day would come? Seven years, 7 months, countless tests, surgeries, procedures, hormones, heartache, tears, devastation, hope and prayer. Our God has given us this blessing. What a miracle! Samuel: Asked of God. Is that not the truth??? God has heard my prayer and answered with a miracle!!! I'm so humbled.

Thank you for all of you who have stood by us through this journey. We may have come to the end of this journey, but I believe we are now just starting a new one! The road OF parenthood! I can only continue to praise God in all things, and thank Him. What an overwhelming amount of emotion that is just bursting from inside me!!!

So with that, I'll leave you with a couple of pictures of our precious new addition. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Counting down...

2011-01-31T20:18:00.003-05:00

Hello my dear friends. I apologize for not writing. It seems that I've been in this place of just listening, being, and reflecting. My mind has been empty of words!! Strange isn't it?? HA! A friend shared with me that she went through the same thing when she became preggie with her twins after IVF. That she felt God just leading her to be still.

Maybe its the years of going going going, trying to reach/attain this goal of mommy hood, hurting, grieving, anger, excitement, hope, tears, disappointment. Just this on going whirl wind of emotion and drive, that when that final "goal" was reached, I needed to stop and take a breath, and rest in the miracle God has given us. Don't know if that makes sense or not.

So basically, it has made me quiet. I haven't journaled, blogged, written ANYTHING. Just been going day to day enjoying what time I have with Sammy while he is in me, before he turns our lives upside down outside of me!

Pregnancy wise we are doing good. I'm 34 weeks and 4 days today. Its truly a miracle! Sammy is healthy and active, growing LARGER by the day. Overall I'm feeling OK. Very tired, some swelling and annoying headaches, but no signs of preterm labor, no issues, proceeding on schedule. Dr. V is pleased with how everything is going. He is being extremely cautious, monitoring us very closely so that if anything DOES change, he can jump on it. Praise God for Him giving me a cautious doc that can calm my fears without me even saying a word. So concerned about things happening at the very end, yet God has brought peace of mind through an amazing OB.

We had maternity photos taken last weekend. I do not have them yet but promise to post when I do!! I can NOT wait to see them!!! I've seen teasers only! And now I have to wait patiently for the rest. Pooh, don't like to be patient! Hee hee. Our long awaited shower is this Saturday. We have friends and family coming from all over!! We are blessed!! So many people are wanting to be a part of this, have BEEN a part of this journey, and are ready to celebrate the arrival of this miracle!! Matt and I are just in awe and humbled by the generosity and the blessings that are flowing over us!! God is just so good and merciful!

Nursery is coming along as well. Getting painted next week, new blinds, and final touches. The "grandma's" have been awesome in helping to get organized, and get everything ready to go for Sammy! All the final stuff is coming together~!

We start birthing classes on Thursday (that will be HILARIOUS to see Matt's face!! heh heh, he has no clue) and I continue to see my OB 2 x week. Movin' along!

Well that is it for an update. Sorry its not much, like I said I'm in a dry spell for writing. Please know how grateful we are for all of you, your prayers, support, love and blessings. This journey, even in the heartbreaking times, has brought such joy because of the awesome people God has brought into our lives!! Even through infertility, we are blessed!! And I have to say, that I'd walk this journey over and over, to have the people in our life that have been our rocks. And we just want to say THANK YOU. Well pictures will come next post! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!

Forgive me for my long absense...

2010-12-03T21:52:00.002-05:00

I have just been a bad unmotivated blogger!! BAD ME. I'm so sorry to those faithful readers who have been keeping up on what is going on in the Mac Household....

Baby update...I'm 26 weeks pregnant!! Amazing isn't it? I'm getting rather round and large, Sammy is growing just as he should. He is healthy and thriving and everything is going according to plan. The house is, well, a mess and no where ready for a baby, but I'm hoping in time that will change. I still marvel at the miracle growing inside of me. It is REALLY real, he truly exists inside me! And he makes himself evident by using my bladder as his own personal trampoline. :-) We are abundantly blessed.

We are getting ready for Christmas. Our tree is up and I'm going for the 5th annual cookie sweatshop this weekend. I can't wait! It will be a blast. My friend H has her little almost 6 month old baby girl and I'll have my 6 1/2 month belly....Who ever knew that we would be here, celebrating the birth of our saviour together and the existence of our children. OUR children! MY CHILD. Wow, it just overwhelms me!!! GOD IS GOOD!

I was reading my online friend, Thelma's, blog. She swiped a post and I swiped it from her...It just touched my heart. Its a little long but worth the read. Its a powerful reminder of our need to thank God in the blessings, and in the storms. Because without the storms, we'd never see the promise of a rainbow. And that in the end, He ALWAYS remains faithful and merciful. And I praise Him for that. I am not worth of the blessings God has brought into my life. Have a blessed day in the Lord. Enjoy...

The Blessing of Thorns
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come.

What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.

"I...I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra, "for Thanksgiving?"

"Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys gratitude this Thanksgiving?

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. " Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses.

Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped...there were no flowers.

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please." Barbara replied with an appreciative smile.

"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right...I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that?" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to Him for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra.

"Nothing." said the clerk. "Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read it first."

It read: "Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased." ~ Hebrews 13:15&16

Happy 32nd Birthday!

2010-10-12T22:57:00.005-04:00

to me!!!

And what a fabulous bday its been!!! Oh this is by far the best and forever bestest birthday ever!

I am, now, a double sweet 16 girl!! Hard to believe I'm 32 y/o!! I was inundated with "happy birthday's" and sweet words and just an overwhelming amount of love from friends and family!! It was a beautiful start to my day!

Not only that, today is the day we found out what this little bean is!!! This child did NOT want to cooperate (that shoulda been a clue to the sex right there! HA) So after 45 minutes of poking and prodding and moving and pushing my belly around, the tech was able to see a little present between the legs!! It's a BOY!!! We are so excited!! Samuel Russell MacIntosh should make his appearance in March of next year!! Funny how everyone was thinking GIRL GIRL GIRL except for a small handful of folks, and yet, its definitely BOY BOY BOY!!! I'm so excited and Matt is THROUGH THE ROOF crazy!!! We are blessed!!!

I'm having issues getting the u/s on the computer, but Sammy is 18w5d gestation right now!

So Matt and I were mean. I'll admit it, but it was a BLAST messing with mom and dad!!! (This being their first grandkid, we wanted to mess with their minds!!) We decided that we wanted to tease them and let them know that the kid did NOT cooperate and b/c of it we won't know for ANOTHER 4 weeks what we are having. (I know so cruel heh heh heh) My buddy H and I schemed up a plan, and she made us wonderful homemade cupcakes (they were DEVINE sister! let me tell you! THANK YOU!) and on them we wrote out "WE LIED ITS A ______" with letters to fill in the blank.

So of course we found out its a boy and I proceeded to call mom and just go on and on about how this kid didn't spread eagle and I'm so frustrated and upset and just laid it on thick. They took us out to dinner for my bday and we brought the cupcakes (with the BOY filling in the blank cupcakes) and gave it to the waiter for later. So continued our story of boo hoo and no sex known and blah blah and just laid it on thick. AND they fell for it HOOK LINE AND SINKER! HA!

So finally at dessert, i got the camera ready and out came the cupcakes in a little container and M/D helped open it up and dad is reading, and studying and all of a sudden goes " WE LIED ITS A BOY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" and this is the picture we got!!!

Oh it was fantastic! Not a dry eye around and even the waiters and other customers were teary eyed!! It was just fantastic!! Lots of smiles and excitement!! It was just so much fun!!! So here they are holding their GRANDSON'S pictures!!!

I hope you enjoyed!!! As always thank you for all your prayers and support!! It has just been fabulous and such a blessing in our life! We are so honored to now SHARE WITH YOU the miracle of our BABY SON!! God is good!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

15 Weeks!!! :-)

2010-09-16T22:12:00.001-04:00

Hello my fellow blog folk!!!

Can you believe it? I am officially one week into my SECOND TRIMESTER!!! God is so good. And this is still so surreal! I'm just in awe day by day that I truly am pregnant and the desire of our hearts is really a part of me right now!!! I'm so grateful to God for this little one that is growing inside of me!!! I'm still just so humbled that God said YES and brought on this blessing!!!

I'm feeling pretty good, getting there. Still very very tired, but able to eat! :-) hee hee. Thankfully I'm still about 10lbs under from where I started. I saw my OB yesterday. Baby is GREAT, BP was GREAT, my weight is the same as it was 4 weeks ago (all tho I'd lost like 4 lbs and have gained that back) So I'm still breaking even for them which is good, no gain in 4 weeks. However I believe that is about to change! HA! OB was VERY pleased and just tickled pink with how I'm progressing. He's such a sweetie!!! Just unreal that this is happening!! But it gets a little more real each time I go and hear that heartbeat!!!

HR was 160-170. I recorded the heartbeat, its so cool!! hee hee... then I texted it to everyone!! Well those who would care about hearing Jr.'s heartbeat! HA. It is locked in the computer but I have been unsuccessful in uploading it to the blog!! Sorry folks but I tried! I have no idea how to get a sound byte on to blogger!

So that's pretty much it. I'm slowly trying to work my way through the closets and clean stuff out and get ready to move the house around to make room for baby. One project at a time. Thankfully we still have about 6 months! Even then I don't think we'll be ready for this one 100%. But we'll see. ;-)

That is all for now! Nothing else new to report! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Night of Joy

2010-09-12T22:03:00.000-04:00

So we spent the weekend in the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!!! I love Disney World!! Matt and I had not been there in over 5 years. Our dear friend J went with us and the three of us trekked to Disney's Night of Joy. Basically for those who don't know, its an evening thing 7pm-1am and its just full of Christian music and singers along with all the fun/rides/food/etc. It is a blast and so uplifting to the soul!!!

Hundreds of Thousands of people worshiping God together!! In the middle of Magic Kingdom, well you just can't get better then that! We saw Chris Tomlin, Mercy Me, Group 1 Crew, Casting Crowns and heard a bunch of others that were playing through the two nights.

I was very blessed because the only reason I could go is J pushed my fat tush all over Disney in a wheelchair. We had other plans to have Matt drag me with the power chair, but alas, Disney rent-a-chair's did not roll so well and we ended up crashing into baby carriages rather then moving forward together! EEK. He was such a blessing b/c I never ever woulda been able to go and handle the heat/humidity and all that walking!!! But he claims he had a blast too!! So I don't feel too bad! :-) I'm really grateful for his care and generosity b/c it was a wonderful weekend!! I'm so glad we went!!

So Pictures were being silly so I'll just have to post the link to go check out the Photos. PHOTOBUCKET

That is all for now!! I know I've been a little behind in posting, but I'm only JUST starting to feel better and have some energy!! But more to come! Promise!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

I apologize for my absence...

2010-08-16T21:20:00.002-04:00

But its been just a little crazy here! and I'm feeling quite poorly. Guess I'm preggie! :-)

I'll start with saying little bean is doing well. I'm 10w4d right now and ready and willing to move into the next trimester. I'm kinda going backwards. I'm more nauseous, pukey, sore boobs and bleh NOW further into the 1st trimester, then I was the 1st 8 weeks. An online bud of mine reminded me that my HCG levels are now DROPPING and progesterone is RISING, so the flux in hormones may be causing this fun time I'm having! I'm just not a fan of uncontrollably puking in my bathroom sink! GAG. My belly is pooching, but I'm still looking more like a fattER girl, then a preggie girl, but I'm sure the time is coming! I'm definitely in maternity pants now b/c there is no buckle in my closet that will button at this time! HA

So TMI is coming...You have been warned!!

So update on the "crazy". Matt and I had a scare Saturday a week ago (the 7th). We were going about our day debating if we wanted to go out when I began to bleed heavy bright red flow. It was not just a little spot here or there, but rather an extremely heavy flow (heavier then a period). It lasted about 1/2 hour and then stopped as fast as it started. Thankfully we were both HOME and not out and about or work, church, store or anywhere else where soaking through your pants with blood wound have been horrifying to the people around you. And thankfully Matt was with me as I began to panic. He immediately just held me as i sobbed, wept with me and held my belly praying for our child. We were sure that this baby was being taken from us. I cleaned up, laid down and we called the OB, FRANTIC. I could not contain the tears, this was our baby our miracle child God had given us, and the thought of loosing her now, just was heart crushing and devastating. We, of course, were directed to the ER so they could figure out what was going on.

We quickly grabbed everything and went to our local ER, it was pouring, Matt go DRENCHED getting out of the van. Of course it was so very busy in the ER, but they were kind enough to get me back to a room in 1/2 hr so I could lie down. The tears flowed freely just praying for this child. So many people started praying for us. (its amazing what a quick post on Facebook will do!) My brother, who was at my mom's when we called her, was so awesome and got his small group prayer chain going and before we knew it there were DOZENS of people praying for us and our baby. We were able to finally calm down and just pray and hold each other, begging God to keep our baby here, protect her from whatever this was.

We were finally seen (and of course it was old home week as our nurse and like 1/2 the ER staff were all folks I worked with or knew from somewhere!) and amazingly the bleeding was completely GONE. Not a drop, and hadn't been since we were home...So odd, but reassuring. The doc performed a pelvic (oiy poor area is just so violated) and had me straight cath'd!! ACK! No matter what the nurse said about it "not hurting" was a LIE! And lemme tell you she was lying to the wrong chick! Sheesh. But during the exam, not a drop of blood and a closed cervix. Praise God. Labs were all normal, but we were waiting for the u/s. That was going to be our definitive answer....Were we going to see/hear a heartbeat.

Finally almost 4 HOURS after getting to the ER, they took me back to u/s. Thankfully Matt was at my side. It of course was internal as Jr. is still very small. I couldn't see the screen, and I just asked the tech to please let me know if the heartbeat was there, I didn't need anything else, just that. She told me she couldn't tell me yay or nay but better yet...turned on the Doppler. And we could hear the wonderful flutter of a heartbeat!!! Praise be to God!!! Can I tell you that Matt and I just melted into a puddle of praise and tears. Our little one was alive and well, with a strong heartbeat! PRAISE JESUS! It was the best sound in the world!

We stayed another several hours, getting fluid being monitored, but it didn't matter, b/c the baby was OK!! You could have kept me there over night and I'd have said OKEEY DOKEEY!! The ER doc wasn't really sure what it was, but prescribed me mandatory bed rest for 3 days and follow up with OB. So we came home, and I stayed in bed/couch until my appt on Monday with the OB. Then after another scan that showed a dancing wiggly baby with arm buds and a strong heartbeat, I was seen by the wonderful Dr. V who gave me the answer I needed to, "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT !!!!".

Basically I have a pocket between the placenta and the uterus where the placenta didn't adhere quite right. B/c of the vascular-ness (is that a word?) of the area, blood pooled. After some over exertion physically on my part, the area pulled away and dumped the blood, causing the overwhelming amount of blood and the quick stop. My area is small, so harmless, all tho I must take it easy. Work only, no lifting, no bending, and no, ahem *blush*....I can work and come home and REST. To which I answered "you got it!!". I will do whatever has to be done for this little one!! Matt has been FANTASTIC, doing laundry, cleaning sorta, but keeping me fed and groceries in the fridge. Running to the grocery store for my weird whim of a craving. (not too many yet) He is such a blessing.

So that's it! Jr. gave us a helluva scare, but everything is OK! See why I've been quiet? Freaking wore me out man!! Yowsa! I go back to the OB on Wednesday for another check up. We have a detailed u/s next week to look for genetic and birth defects (not worried, just would like to know if that is the case and its recommended by my OB office). And every day we just praise God for this little one. We really don't know how many days we have with anyone, so we rejoice with each and every day! However I'd really love it if there were no more of these EXCITING moments in this pregnancy! OIY.

Well, on that note I'm headed to bed. I'm exhausted from the day and tomorrow brings another one! Hope everyone is well! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Growing day by day....

2010-08-05T23:17:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone. I apologize for not updating more frequently, but I find myself in this state of quiet. Not really reading, not writing, not journaling. I know I should be writing every single detail of this miracle pregnancy down, but I'm just finding my self needing to be in a place of quiet. I know sounds weird, makes sense to my brain!!!

I, or rather, WE are doing well. I am 9 weeks pregnant!! Can you believe? I know I can't either!!! I have graduated to a standard OB patient and had my first appt on Wednesday. Mom came with me hoping to get a glimpse or hear little one, but I did not have a new u/s at this time, but I have one next Wednesday scheduled. Everything looks great, all tho my BP was elevated, something they are watching, it has been since I started IVF. And mom had my OB laughing so hard he had to stop mid exam. Yea, it was an interesting day!! LOL.

So pretty much this appt was about history, praising God, vital sign check, pee in a cup and all the internal stuff. I'll spare you the details of a Pap smear but I will tell you that my OB said I "feel very pregnant" when he does the internal. We're moving right along! So even though we didn't see our little bean sprout, I'm reassured that my body is changing and growing, so baby is too!!!

SO u/s next week, then follow up with OB the week after...He is still waiting on all my files to come from the IVF clinic, so holding off taking the 10,000 gallons of blood since pretty much all of it was already done. I got signed up for all kinds of stuff, and formula and got a new mommy goody bag with a pregnancy planner. Its amazing to have this happening. Is it real? Am I really going to be a mommy to a little one?

My OB is so excited...He just hugged me (and mom) and congratulated me and praised God with us. (he goes to my church) He is just amazing!!! So cool to have a GOD FEARING doc!! He has always prayed w/us before he did any of my surgeries. This man has walked the road of heartache with us, pretty much from the 1st year on. He has held us, prayed with us, listened to us, patiently waited with me as I melted into a puddle of tears and heartache and frustration. He has even teared up with us. So now he is just Praising JESUS with us!!! Knowing how much of a miracle this child is, and that all the glory for him/her is for God alone!! Its pretty cool...

Its just crazy! I can't believe I'm doing all this!! Its overwhelming!! I'm so humbled by this gift from God!!! Please join me in continuing to pray for this little one to grow grow grow, but also to offer up some praise to our God, for the gift of life inside me. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

7 weeks and 1 day

2010-07-23T19:51:00.005-04:00

So we had another appt with our IVF clinic!! Little bean is measuring ahead of the game!! And is double in size from last week and a VERY VERY clear picture of the little ones heartbeat! SO VERY prominent!! It was amazing. AND b/c the ultrasound probe was so, um, close to baby, we could hear the heartbeat!!! It was amazing. 143 bpm.

I feel pretty good, still just in awe that this is happening!! So w/o further ado, here is our little one's most RECENT picture. This one ISN'T magnified like the last one. This is the actual size of our youngin!!! So clear that there is a somethin' in there!

AND I get to show you the video of the heartbeat!!!! The flicker inside the blob is the heart! The tech puts the arrow on the beating heart!! How amazing is this!! I'm so in awe! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

HEARTBEAT!!!

2010-07-18T08:44:00.003-04:00

We had our u/s today. We have a beautiful little one with a fetal pole, yolk sac and a flutter of a heartbeat! OH ME OH MY! God is so good. I just couldn't help but praise Him as I looked at the flicker on the u/s screen!! I really have a baby growing inside me! How amazing is that??

It still seems so surreal, like this is happening to someone else, but as I watch my belly grow and feel the tugs and pulls, I realize that THIS IS ME this is happening to!! I am really pregnant and really having a baby!!! How awesome is that!!

We go back next week for another u/s. I can't wait! Baby should be tripled by then!! Somewhere from 4mm to 12-15 mm by the end of the 6th week! (I'll be just over 7 weeks at next appt)

So without further delay, here is our little bean....Its the little white shadow that the arrow is pointing to!! That is my teeny tiny baby!! Isn't this cool????? God is so good!! What an awesome Lord we serve! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Numbers are in...

2010-07-11T17:35:00.004-04:00

And our newest beta went from 488 to 1623!! My doubling time is at 55 hours now which is FANTASTIC!!! AND we are ready to make the appt with the RE to have the "OB" appt AND ultrasound (u/s) to see the little heartbeat!!! I'm SO EXCITED!!!

I'm also a bit exhausted. Apparently Jr is getting a kick at sucking me dry from the core of my very being!!! Thankfully its normal during early pregnancy, but holy cow me pooped!!! Trying to rest as much as possible and thankfully Matt has been very understanding to my lazy sleepy self!

We are officially 5wk 4 days preggie. Only 34.3 to go! LOL. I've been researching what is going on in our little one right now. Its amazing to think what is happening in silence inside of me!! Its just awesome...here this is a copy of what is occurring:

As early as this week, the plate that will become the heart has developed. Your baby's brain, spinal cord, muscles, and bone formation are also beginning to form. The baby's skeleton is forming at this time as well. The embryo has a distinct organization that has a top, bottom, left, right, front and back. The baby has not grown very much from last week and is now approximately 1.25 mm long. You will not `show` yet for some time.

Yea well that part is wrong. I'm not "showing" per say, but I'm definitely changing and pudgier in my mid section. But then again I never totally shrunk after IVF.

Can you believe it? My little ones heart is forming, getting ready to beat!! I just am in awe of the creation of life!! What a miraculous thing and I get to be a part of it! God is so good...

Well I'm gonna go back to the couch to veg. Matt will be home soon and quite frankly, I'll probably be in bed soon! HA! You have no idea how much your prayers, comments, thoughts, donations, and love have been such a blessing to us!! We are overwhelmed by the amount of people who love and care for us! God is just humbling me in this over abundance of grace! Oh how unworthy I am, but how amazing our God is for blessing me in spite of the unworthiness. My heart is over flowing with praise!!!

I leave you with a pic of what Jr is looking like right now!! Pretty cool huh? Have a blessed day in the Lord!

I know I know...

2010-07-07T23:16:00.003-04:00

You are waiting patiently. But seriously, how do you think WE feel??? HA!!

I've been harassed by several of my FB and non FB friends and of course our faithful "followers", to know what is going on, why we don't know anything yet and what the heck is UP WITH ME!

Well, its pretty simple. We've been waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting to know what God has in store for us. And apparently, God has bottles and binkies in store because....

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY!!! We are 5 weeks pregnant tomorrow!!! I got my first ever in my life positive pee stick last week, then another, then another!!! Its been amazing. Our first round of blood work on Saturday showed a healthy Beta HCG level of 169. Which is beautiful!!! I had another today, which is what we were waiting on to make our announcement and that was 488. They want the number doubling every 2-3 days, and ours is doubling at 60hr increments. PERFECT. RE said everything is right on schedule!!!

My due date is March 9, 2011 which just happens to be my daddy's birthday! We, of course, had to share all the news with our family first before going all cyber with the big announcement! Everyone is just so excited and praising God just as we are. And its been so much fun to surprise them with an early positive pregnancy test.

I have to tell you that this is the most surreal, amazing and humbling thing I've ever gone through. I was told at a very young age that the chance for me to conceive was so very low, then when we found out about Matt's issues, all hope seemed lost. But my friends I must tell you, My God is bigger then any diagnosis, any illness, and impossibility. My God is the God OF the impossible because my God MOVED A MOUNTAIN last week!!! We are so incredibly blessed!!!

We are continuing to pray for this little one, rejoice in each day that God allows this child in our life. We ask that you continue to pray for him/her to grow strong and healthy each day, that God protect them and bring abundant blessings on his/her life. We also ask that when you take a knee to pray for this little one that you also rejoice and praise God for doing THE IMPOSSIBLE!!! I AM PREGNANT!!!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

Waiting waiting waiting.

2010-06-27T10:49:00.002-04:00

So we are still waiting. Forever. Its TAKING forever!!! ARGH.

SIGH.

OK so little embie is still tucked safely away in my womb, waiting to find out if s/he stuck or not. I'm not feeling one way or the other to be honest, all tho headaches and fatigued, which could be either - or + as it is my PMS signs too.

But we are continuing to enjoy our PUPO self. Enjoy the fact that little one is nestled in there and praising God for his/her creation. Because that alone is a miracle. We didn't even know if we could MAKE little ones!!!

Matt's been wonderful, taking care of me, loving on me, just making sure I rest, hydrate and take care of me and the little one. Now if only this can continue another 9 or so months!!!!

Even while waiting, we choose to Praise God. Worship Him, love Him. In ALL things. There was a song I posted a LONG time ago called "While I'm Waiting". It is the theme song to the movie Fireproof, but it is so perfect for our life. I will serve you while I'm waiting, I will worship while I'm waiting. CHOOSING to praise God and hold on to HOPE. Not so easy, but we can do it, with God's love and support.

So nothing new, just waiting. Worship and serve with me while we wait together for news of our little one! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

Quick Post

2010-06-22T19:08:00.002-04:00

B/c I'm not supposed to be upright too too much...

But we are PUPO!!!! yay! We have a little embryo snuggled safely inside me waiting to attach and grow over the next 9 months!! We still have 9 other embryos, we are waiting to see if they are freezable tomorrow or Thursday. We are so grateful to God!

Process was fairly easy (all tho a cold metal speculum is a major Valium buzz killer!) and I've been resting all day. And I will be out cold tomorrow too. Have a bunch of folks coming to hang with me and help out!! I'm so blessed!!!

OK so here you go, our first picture!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Ponderings of a hormonal girl...

2010-06-21T22:37:00.002-04:00

OK hormonal woman. OK RAGING hormonal woman!!! :-) I've been sitting and thinking and pondering about our little embryos and the transfer tomorrow. I've felt like crap pretty much all day, gaggy-pukey-pain-ickiness all around, but its funny, it has me thinking MORE about what is to come.

I am a mom. Now I don't know or really care so much about what your belief is on life at conception or at 20 wks or when baby takes his first breath. To each their own. But Matt and I? We believe in life at conception. At the time part of him and part of me mingle together and form 2 cells then 4 cells. We believe that we have 10 little children, currently cell shaped, waiting for our decision of what we will do.

In this case 1 or 2 will be put back safely in my womb where Lord willing he/she will grow for 9 more months and pop out say next April/May. But its surreal to think, Matt and I have created a life, lots of little lives!! that is just so overwhelming to me! And a blessing and a MIRACLE! Its mind boggling.

Our prayer of course is to hold a couple of these little cells in my arms as a full grown baby, but for now, I'm just resting in the fact that we have LIFE. Tomorrow begins the next days of the rest of our life, and for today, I just want to rejoice, for tomorrow, those little ones could be gone until this side of heaven.

As I said, ramblings of a hormonal girl. Physically I'm feeling better tonight then I was today, but I'm quite weary of feeling so crappy. I pray it passes and tomorrow is uneventful. Amazingly, Matt wasn't gonna be able to come with me and mom was going to take me and be with me when they did the transfer. But Apple decided to rearrange schedules for the new iPhone launch and low and behold they gave Matt Tuesday off!! Not even knowing he needed it! HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!??!! So My hubby gets to be WITH me in the same room when I get PUPO. (Such a better thought then getting knocked up with him in another county! HA) What a blessing, God is so good!

OK off to bed with me and my swollen body parts, for tomorrow I become preggie. Hopefully for a very long 9 months!! In all things, to God be the glory and His will be done. Will you rejoice with me today? As God has allowed life to come of this! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

WE have....

2010-06-19T14:35:00.002-04:00

10 little embryos!!!!

praise God!!! Got the report yesterday that 10 of my eggs fertilized. Got the report THIS MORNING that they are THRIVING and doing well! 8 of them are grade 1 or A and 2 of them are grade 2 or B. They are doing so well, they are waiting until a day 5 transfer to see which are the BEST to transfer back into my belly....

I'm so excited!! Praising JESUS! I'm the mommy of 10 little ones!!!

I'm feeling OK, still pretty beat up and sore. Been resting and drinking tons of fluids and well, that is pretty much it. I'll go back to work on Monday then I'll be off Tues/Wed for transfer and bedrest... Then we'll have to wait until Mid July for results! Gonna be a loooong wait!!! But I'm confident that God's hand is in all this and I will be able to PRAISE HIM while I wait!!

OK going back to bed. Bad storm is coming too!! Hope everyone is well! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

My new favorite number....

2010-06-17T22:04:00.002-04:00

14! :-)

Praise Jesus, they got 14 eggies out of me today. I'm sore and tired, and still bloaty and uncomfortable, but overall I'm doing pretty good. I've got border line OHSS and am pounding the gatorade/water/protein and rest. I'm also on a medication that for the life of me, i have no idea what it does!! Can't find the research online for why its used for OHSS, but I'm trusting the doc. I met Dr. W today. Shes very sweet spirited and has a bit of humor as well!! The whole team today was wonderful and I was out in la la land prior to feeling ANYTHING!! Woke up uncomfortable, gave me pain meds, and i was better. How nice.

I'm so glad they kept me home tomorrow b/c I don't think I could sit for 9 hrs at a desk and be coherent to answer medical questions.

So we'll have our embryo report tomorrow and they'll decide on a day 3 or day 5 transfer. How ironic that my embies may be inside me on FATHER'S DAY! How cool is that?? Just pretty amazing. God is just so good!

Please pray for my little ones, that they grow and thrive and ultimately stick inside of me!!! I'm currently wiped out and going to bed. Pain meds and sleep, here I come!! Have a blessed day in the LORD!!!

Egg Retrival

2010-06-16T22:30:00.001-04:00

TOMORROW! I'm so excited. I"M SO HOOOOOT!!!!! ARGH.

My E2 today: 4077 YIKES!!!

So needless to say I'm warm and bloated and READY!!!

OK that's it, not much to say. I'm ready to burst, I'm off the next few days and I'm READY!!! WOO HOOO!!! Continued prayers please!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Hooray!!!

2010-06-15T18:03:00.002-04:00

Its TRIGGER TIME!!!

OH YAY OH YAY OH YAY!!! I'm triggering tonight! Egg retrieval (ER) is on Thursday at 930am...PRAISE YOU JESUS b/c I'm so uncomfortable!!! I have to do my trigger shot at 1130pm tonight!!!! and my E2 went from 1790 to 2900!!!

The nurse called and said, "Um your E2 went up a bit more then expected, so you need to pound the gatorade and protein". Yea no kidding it went up, I can tell!!! Phew I'm so bloated! them 20 eggs are ready to HATCH! Or be laid would be more accurate! HA!

I'm so ready, I'm gonna try and work tomorrow if I can. We'll see how it goes, b/c I want to take Friday off AFTER ER, so I can rest for the weekend. Then my little babies will be back in me either Sunday, Monday or Tuesday!!!!!

EEK!!! GUYS!! This time next week I'll be PUPO (preggers until proven otherwise)!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS HERE!!!!!!!

I'm just so stinkin' excited, that I'm not noticing how incredibly miserable I am physically! The joys of a high E2, nausea, lots and lots of nausea. I lived on crackers, gingerale and gatorade today. OIY....

OK off to bible study then mom's renter (our good friend), Trish, is gonna do my trigger shot. I can't do the shot in my butt by myself! YOWSA! OK so tomorrow is gonna be not fun, but I'm gonna hang in there, we're almost done! YAY!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Today's update....

2010-06-14T19:08:00.002-04:00

So today is day 10 of Stim. GAG ME. I'm not done. But almost.

E2 was in the 1700's, I don't even remember
and my follies were all 16-19...I need 19-21.

They are pretty sure I'll trigger tomorrow and retrieval on Thursday. Here's the fun part of today. I met a chick who I've been, just observing the last couple of days. We are apparently on the same schedule. Anyway her significant other (s/o) is in a wheelchair. Well I've been asking God for a chance to introduce and share Matt and my story with her. Well today the window opened wide. She is a cute thing! Cheery and talkative and very outgoing. She shared in my tears of pain with my ovaries the size of Texas and how this well, sucks! Anyway so then I shared my lovely hub is in a w/c also and a bit of our story. And come to find out, at an RE that is an hour away, we live in the same town! Like 2 miles down the road! Its pretty cool!!

It was nice, not only to meet someone who understands IF, b/c the whole disability thing. Its cool, we hit it off immediately. So we shall be back tomorrow for our u/s and bloodwork. Ley sigh...Maybe our hubs will meet the day of retrieval and get to know each other.

I know, I'm rambling...Its the hormones. Time for some dinner (and watermelon and pineapple, YUM) and bed. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Weary weary am I....

2010-06-13T19:59:00.002-04:00

Day 9 of Stim.

My ovaries feel like they are going to explode! We have made great progress. Every follie is between 13-16. We trigger somewhere around 19-21. I'm just PRAYING that they are there by tomorrow. I'm so weary, so uncomfortable, so hormonal, just very overwhelmed.

I have no clue how someone can do this over and over and over again. I'm worn out!!! Thankfully my mommy let me vent and cry and then she came over and helped me around the house. Thank you mommy! She is the best!! I know its almost over, but if I trigger tomorrow, I won't have retrieval until Wednesday. An eternity away!!! And its only gonna get worse when I trigger. I may even have to stay home because my ovaries will be so large and just sitting is awful!!! UGH...

My estrogen was 1132 today. in one day it went up 400 points. OIY VEY! I'm going back tomorrow, and have pre op as well...I have to get a hold of the anesthesiologist for pre op too but so far the number has been busy busy busy...

So we are almost there, I know we are. I think I can do this. I think I can I think I can! Please continue to pray!! I know I can't do this without God holding me and carrying me through!!! Please Lord get me to retrieval, and then we can go from there!!! Thank you for all of you who are loving us and supporting us through! I can't do this without each and every one of your prayers and support!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Just an update....

2010-06-12T22:47:00.002-04:00

Day 8 of stim. I'm exhausted and have to go back in the morning, so I'm gonna make it real quick.

Estrogen was 791 which is holy moly!!
Lt ovary still has 12 follies all between 10-13
rt ovary still has 8 follies between 10-12

I'm getting weary. The poking the prodding, I'm not thrilled that I have to go back tomorrow morning, but I will b/c its what I'm supposed to do. I think I'm just tired and I'm so incredibly uncomfortable. Please continue to pray for us!!!

Off to bed, have a blessed day in the Lord!

Moving right along....

2010-06-10T18:11:00.002-04:00

Today is day 6 of Stim. OOO I need my one shot, hang on, I'll be back....

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So today is day 6 of stim...I had my appt at the RE this morning. Phew 530am wake up calls are quite exhausting, then, b/c I was late, I don't really get a lunch, so it makes for a very very VERY long exhausting day. But I'll survive! So stats from today:

Estrogen: 274 (WOW! I more then tripled in 2 days! EEK.)
I have 12 follicles on my Left now!! And they are all measuring approx 8-11mm
I have 8 follies on my right now. (that is a total of EIGHT more by the way!) also about 8-10mm

They are pleased, I'm stimming quite nicely and jointly. Everything is about the same size and getting bigger every day...I can FEEL the difference now. I'm most definitely poochier and more uncomfortable, but still quite bearable. I have a feeling that is going to change. I was also told I may have to stay home and reclined the day BEFORE retrieval as when you trigger it brings all the follicles to maturation and preps them to be "ovulated" but they plan on pulling them out (with a needle. gulp.) before then. But it can be very uncomfortable to be sitting and squashing them. Thankfully my boss is like "whatever you need, just let me know!!". She's awesome!!! I'm so excited that THEY are excited. Makes the process easier knowing I don't have to push myself to the extremes.

So Saturday I go back to the RE for my next scan. We shall see from there...I'm guessing I'll be ready to trigger on Monday and have my retrieval on Wednesday. But its just a guess, so we shall see....

So I have to tell you, one of my dear dear bestest buds, H, who is a fellow IFer, is currently at the hospital laboring and having her miracle baby. AND today is their 15th wedding anniversary!!! This is their first little one to make it to term and he/she is making his/her appearance TONIGHT!!! I'm so stoked...I can't even begin to tell you how amazing and miraculous and just awesome it is that this little one is on their way!! My heart is overflowing with joy for them!! We are still waiting impatiently, but this will be a glorious day!!!!! I'll give you details and MAYBE a picture later (if she lets me post one! hee hee)

OK well my sore self is gonna go veg. I'm quite tired, an unfortunate side effect. Maybe its preparation. HA! Hope all is well with everyone. Continued prayers are appreciated. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Day 4 of Stim and update....

2010-06-08T18:16:00.000-04:00

So I am home in my AIR CONDITION! Praise God! And we got our van back today too. GULP...AND I paid some money to the RE today. Its been an expensive day! YOWSA....Oh well, whatcha gonna do about it, right?

SO here is my update...

E2 : 81.6 they like to see it doubling every 2-3 days, so we are on track!
Follies: there seems to be 12 pulling away from the pack. 6 on the right, 6 on the left, but its still really early to tell. They are all 7-9mm. The vast majority need to be 20mm in size for them to trigger for retrieval. It looks like we are just about 1/3 way through stim. Possibly next Tues or Wed for retrieval?? YAY!!!

I was just thinking how this time next week, I will be a mom. I will have little embryos that are in a petry dish that are my offspring. I know not everyone believes embryos are life, but Matt and I believe that life starts at conception, and these will be my children. That is just so cool to me. Matt and I have never been preggie that we know of, so we have no children waiting for us in heaven, we have no legacy that we've left behind, its just us. And for some reason, it is soothing to me that these little embies will be formed, my cells, Matt's cells, creating a life, however long or short that life may be. Knowing that I have that is somehow in a strange way comforting to my hurting IF heart.

Silly I know. And of course, my hope is that this little one(s) become my "take home baby" that I will love for as long as God gives them to me. I'm a little all over the place in my thought process, I think the E2 is eating up my brain cells, or prepping me for shear exhaustion, one or the other. I know I'm not making much sense, but we'll just leave it at the fact that its a comfort for me.

So I go back on Thursday for my next scan. I'm definitely growing something cuz, I mean I know I'm a chunky girl, but my belly is swelling!!! And that mixed with the bruises, oh yea I'm looking fine! Thank God matt loves me and ALL my jiggley/bruised/deformed parts! HA!

OK off to poke and veg on the couch! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Day 3 of stim...

2010-06-07T18:04:00.002-04:00

So on Saturday I went to the RE and started on Stims. Theoretically, my E2 or estrogen level will get in the thousands, whereas on a normal cycle, it usually peaks anywhere from 300-600. And I did say thousands, it may be well over 4000 when we are retrieving the eggs!! Crazy right?? So here ya go, my STATS. This is my base line. (and for my IF buds, I'm taking 75u of Menopur 2x day, 75u of Follistim 2 x day, and 5u of Lupron each night.)

Here are the stats:
Estrogen: 38.6
Follicles: 30+ teeeeeny tiny ones that Lord willing won't all mature. We're hoping that 10-15 pull away and mature.

I'm doing OK with the shots. Its 3 shots a day with 3 different medications. They burn, I'm bruised but hey, its for a good purpose. I'm hangin' in there!! I'm feeling OK right now. Not real side effecty, just a lot of headaches/hot flashes, but I'm getting through.

Our car is a grand total of $1564. Good golly miss molly, but we have a pretty good case against Jiffy Lube. So I plan on writing one of my letters/novels whatever you wanna call it, and presenting them with the hopes that they will pay us back for the damages. One can dream. We will even have the radiator and core parts that were damaged. I love my mechanic though, he is going out of his way to get this done as fast as possible b/c Matt is w/o his accessible vehicle. What a blessing they are!

I came to the A/C being broken as well. Its just not a good week and its only Monday. When you are a furnace that is ready to self combust, and the house is 87 degrees, well lets just say I was a puddle on the floor in tears! OIY. Our fab A/c man is coming tomorrow (sadness) and I'm headed to Mom's house to sleep! There is no longer a bed for me there, but there is a couch and 75degree air! SOLD! Matt is gonna tough it out, its really not affecting him!!

OK that's it for now. Off to mom's house. I'll give you the stats on my stuff tomorrow after the appointment. For now I continue poking and growing some eggs!! Have a blessed day in the Lord.

I figured....

2010-06-04T22:04:00.003-04:00

Why not two posts in a row???

B/c I'm awesome like that! HA!

I'm actually exhausted. That is what I am. It was a rough day at work, rough day at home, rough day all around. Our Van is currently in the hospital being tended too. After finding out RED coolant and GREEN coolant can't be mixed and will turn in to sludge and destroy a radiator which in turn null and voids a warranty, the day just went down hill after that. Especially after Chrysler said, "That will be $2500 please...". AH! WHAT??? Ya, crazy I know. Who knew there was multi color coolant?? And apparently there is PINK coolant too! I want pink coolant. Its purdy!

So apparently, even though red and green go together when you are talking Christmas and elves and Santa's reindeer, it does NOT go together in a car. I have thick orange GUNK in my radiator, water pump and the entire coolant system that has in turn corroded and DESTROYED the system. Thank you Jiffy Lube, who had no clue that Chrysler used only RED and they put in the standard GREEN and it congealed into an expensive, non warranty covered mess. LEY SIGH.

So after about peeing my pants and losing it on the phone (don't they know I'm on Lupron????), my poor father taking several trips to Chrysler, a $75 fee to LOOK at my gunkified car, triple A, a $30 towing fee and the WHOLE FREAKING DAY, my car is now safely in the hands of MY mechanic, Frank, and will cost more like $1000 then the $2500. Maybe less. Still a number that makes me want to hide in a corner and suck my thumb while rocking back and forth moaning, but a little bit more palatable then the whopper of a number that Chrysler gave me. And yes we do plan on getting this all in writing and going to Jiffy Lube Corporate and requesting they pay for the damages, seeing as they are the ones that caused it, all though it was unbeknownst to them as I talked to the Jiffy Lube man today and he had NO CLUE what I was talking about with mixing coolants. So Frank my new BFF has the car in his place and will be checking it out on MONDAY! ACK!! Did I mention he is out of town THIS weekend of all weekends?? Poor Matt is STRANDED! We shall be lugging him around town in his manual chair and my lovely Toyota. Thankfully we bought the 'Yota b/c of its fabulous trunk space that is PERFECT for a folding wheelchair. Now we get to try it out!

Again, SIGH is coming to mind.

So I spent the evening writing thank you cards to all of you wonderful fabulous folks that helped out and came to the BBQ! We are so blessed!!! We raised just about 1/2 of what we THINK we need, and I even have more donations coming in. (And just a quick plug: more will always be excepted! HA!! :D ) We are eternally grateful at the love and support we have gotten!! We are BLESSED! Even with a sludgy radiator and water pump.

In all things GOD IS STILL GOOD!!! mumble, grumble, mumble grumble. OK God, I will wait upon you and hold on for dear life!! OK, it is apparent that I'm tired. I have to be up by 5:30AM tomorrow to be in Margate by 7:00AM, which I take the turnpike to drive to, and my lovely husband just reminded me that the Sunpass is in the van...which is in the shop...which is closed until Monday. Sigh, what a day what a day.

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

It is almost time!

2010-06-03T17:47:00.002-04:00

I can't believe we start stim on Saturday! THIS IS CRAZY!!! I'm just WEEKS away from knowing if I'm gonna be a mommy or not. That's nuts!! Just WEEKS!!! After YEARS, in just a few short weeks I'll know.

Wow.

That is crazy.

So Saturday morn I go in for an u/s and blood work, then start on the THREE shots a day in my belly instead of one. I'm doing OK with the injection, just found that it HURTS on the left, and no pain to the right. But you have to rotate the sites around so that the belly doesn't get too lumpy. I've bruised a little, so I have little black dots on my tum, but no one sees my belly but hubby, so we're good!

I must admit I have had a few psychotic episodes with the Lupron. Especially with the birth control pills AND add in a steroid pack for good measure when I developed a sinus infection last week. So I got a little wonky, but Matt loves me and forgives me. THANK GOD! Overall, the side effects have been hot flashes, not sleeping well and headaches. All which I can deal with and heck, probably just preparing me for when baby comes! HA!

We went to Liz and Isaac's (Matt's sister and now our brother in law!) wedding this weekend. It was BEAUTIFUL!! We did get rained on, but it wasn't to bad. It was on a horsie farm out in Dade City outside of Tampa. There were beautiful willow trees with Spanish moss hanging down. Horses running by. Oh it was picturesque!! We danced and partied, and had a GREAT time. It was so awesome seeing all of Matt's family, brothers, their wives, our nieces and nephew. We just really enjoyed ourselves. Its sad that we had to say goodbye, knowing it will probably be a year or more before we see them again.

I have pictures, but there are just so many, well I'm lazy and don't feel like posting! HA! They will eventually be on Facebook, and most of you see me there anyway.

So nothing awe inspiring or grand going on. Just preparing, and praying and gearing up for the next to last round!!! I should have some embryo's safely in my womb in about 3 weeks, give or take!!! I can't wait to be PUPO status, which stands for "PREGNANT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE". I'm ready to be a pampered princess!! hee hee. That is just amazing to me!! GOD IS SO GOOD!!! Please continue to pray for peace as we walk this journey. Matt is having some stupid heads at work right now, and the stress is a lot. Please keep us lifted up! THANK YOU!!!

We hope everyone is well!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

What a bad updater I am...

2010-05-26T13:26:00.003-04:00

But honestly haven't really had anything to eventful going on!!! Just poppin' a pill every day....Until now! :-)

We have officially started the next phase. I gave my first shot to myself last night! EEK. I screamed! LOL. It didn't hurt, just the anticipation of it!! Oh my. I am now on Lupron every day, which will help to continue to keep my system suppressed but coordinate my ovaries to talk to each other so the create lots of little eggies at the same time. (instead of alternating like the body is programmed to do) I go back on 06/05/10 for baseline u/s and blood work, then STIM STARTS!

We had our BBQ of Hope on Sunday! It was a BLAST and a total success! God is so good! We raised half the money we need for IVF that will be our portion! Such loving and generous people in our lives that would donate so much to us!! We are honored, blessed, humbled. I just sat on the floor after counting all the money on Sunday and just cried and cried and cried. It is humbling to be so loved and so blessed. Our God is GREAT! And he is our provider!!! Praise Him with us!!!

I've had this post in my brain that I've needed to try and get out, but its not working yet. So hang in there, more will come later. For now, I have developed a sinus infection, so I'm home early from work and going to the MD today to get rid of this sucker NOW. No time to be sick!! Matt and I leave on Friday for Tampa so we can bare witness to Elizabeth, Matt's baby sister, and her fiancee Isaac tie the knot!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am!! All tho it will be strange to bring a syringe and vial of meds with me to the wedding, as I have to inject around the same time, which happens to be just about the time of the wedding. So strange!! HA! We're hoping for just beautiful weather and rejoice in the memorable occasion!!! I'll post pics!

So here is the link to the Photos for BBQ of Hope. BBQ OF HOPE PHOTOS
God gave us such a beautiful day! We had, literally, a 5 second flash storm, then it disappeared and we went on with the partying! We had a raffle, bake sale, and a corn hole tournament with hats and prizes!! It was awesome!

OK I'm headed to the Doc, then home to bed. Hope everyone is well! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Phew. Its getting hot in here!!!

2010-05-03T20:27:00.002-04:00

I've been a dang sauna ALL DAY LONG! And that's only after 2 days. Good gracious. The joys of birth control pills...

I've been having hot flashes all day, like overwhelming uncontrollable bursts of heat and sweat. Reminds me of my days on Lupron. Oh crap Lupron is next on the 25th!!! Gracious sakes! Its gonna be one heck of an electric bill this month I think!

Wow this is gonna be fun! LOL My body (and my hubby) don't have a clue what is coming! HA!!!

OK that's all, just wanted to moan about being HOT!! (Course Matt always says I'm HOT! :-) ) Silly little posts about nothing shall be what you see I'm sure!!! Hey its my blog and I can do what I want! HA! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

And so it begins....

2010-04-29T17:59:00.002-04:00

So today was the IVF nurse meeting, CD2 labs and u/s, and financials appt's at the RE's office.

So first off, God is good! Heck God is GREAT!

I have my calender, and they were able to extend me out passed Sis in Law's wedding, so I start BCP's next Sunday (since I have long cycles, its not a big deal anyway to be extended). I then start an injectable med called Lupron (aka loopy-pron as Matt calls it) on 05/25 which I'll take for a while...Basically the RE is trying to shut down my system and get it coordinated so that my ovaries are prepared to start talkin' to each other and creating gobs of eggs and mature them. Then I start stim on June 6th!! EEK! B/c urologist has to be on call for egg retrieval in the event that Matt has no live sperm, he can do TESE right then and there. (ouchie for Matt) All tho we are freezing some of Matt's guys ahead of time so there is fresh AND frozen to work with for the ICSI...but we don't think it will be a problem. But just in case we will have the doc on hand who can extract sperm if needed. (I know its confusing, it is to us as well)

So stim on June 6th for 7-10 days and it LOOKS like my little 3 or 4 or 5 day embie(s) will be implanted over weekend time, so at least one of my 2 bedrest days will be on a wknd. Which means less time missed. YAY BUT work is totally being excitedly cool about it so its not being an issue!!! And all the blood work days, I'll have 7am appts so blood work will be done and I'll be to work by 830-900 at the latest. YIPPEE!!!

So here is when GOD IS GOOD starts coming in to play. We sat down with the $$ girl...I expected to swipe $6000 on my credit card today, pay upfront then get reimbursed for what ends up NOT being used. Yea well not only was $$ girl a CHRISTIAN and praising Jesus with us...She is not having us up front pay b/c she wants to submit to insurance first to see how much of each thing is covered. And she said that the whole cycle is billed at $12,000 but our insurance is contracted for pretty much HALF of that so that will be the "cost" and then 50% of THAT is our cost. However ultrasounds and labs are covered at 100% so the HALF is more like a 1/3. She figures WITH ICSI and freezing charges for sperm and embryos, it will come to about $2500 out of pocket. Almost $4000 less then we planned!!!!! She said to plan on $5000 cushion but that being if there are complications and TESE is needed and extra stim and stuff, but she said, its doubtful and will probably be around 1/2 of that cushion... Oh my goodness! that's amazing!!!! AND my meds are covered at 100%!! (which is around $3-4000)

It's overwhelming how amazing this is!!! And if the fundraiser is successful, we may come out of this w/o paying much of anything out of pocket, meaning NOTHING charged, meaning Oh my goodness this is awesome! Talk about Gods perfect timing in all things! Our nurse is wonderful (her name is Michelle) and she was just wonderfully understanding and compassionate. Which is nice. I said to her, "good lord this is like signing my life away in to craziness." which she answered, "yes it is craziness, but we will love and support you through it." brought tears! She was just AMAZING!!

I'm just so excited and thrilled and full to the brim with peace for each and every step! Its just unbelievable how awesome our God is! They do recommend however that we back off telling the world wide web about each and every step. To just stick with the core group of friends and family. So we are going to stop posting on Facebook, but I'll keep posting on the blog. So please know, to keep up with whats going on, you'll have to check out the blog!!! I understand where she is coming from and I agree. Need to just focus on what is to come and the love and support from those who KNOW and understand, not try to explain or justify this to anyone. So continued prayers as always, and we'll keep you posted! It will be pretty boring for the next while.

So that's our update!! More to come b/c its time to get this PARTY STARTED!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Ok, so here we are. :-)

2010-04-26T22:04:00.002-04:00

What a crazy ride this has been and we haven't really even started yet!! First off, I lied. Don't keep May 15th open, keep the 23rd open...Sorry had many schedule changes to make this work, but it is purchased and set in STONE!!! BBQ of HOPE will be May 23rd at 11am at Sago Park in Palm Springs, FL. I'm stoked, its a beautiful park and we already have so much planned! Just need some more fine tuning and a guest list. $10 a head for food and drink, but we will also be having a bake sale and raffle to help with the $$ raising. Its gonna be a great time! Come one come all!!!! Bring your kids, bring a friend!

So Matt and I went out to eat tonight just to sit quietly for 2 1/2 hrs and sign consent forms for IVF. Holy gracious sakes its about 20 pages of forms. What we want fertilized, how many to put back in my womb, what to do with left over embryo's, what to do if one or both of us dies, who do we want to care for the embryo's if we both die, do we give them up for donation, do we destroy them (hell to the NO), how many to freeze, do we freeze if only one survives and on and on and on...Needless to say, both our heads were spinning by the time we were done, and that was on iced tea only!!! Sheesh, such complication to have a kid! Gracious!

Thankfully we can just not sign what we don't understand and this Thursday we will have a meeting with the IVF nurse to go over the consents, questions, finances, all that fun stuff. We have a LIST of questions a mile long, but at least they are written down, so if there is any confusion we'll remember what we wanted to ask. OH MY GRACIOUS I feel some hyperventilating coming on....HEE HEE HOO!! HEE HEE HOO!!! I guess this is practice for Lamaze breathing. HA!

So Thursday is the next appt. I have CD2 labs and u/s done and then sometime in the next week or so I start birth control pills (BCP). EEEK! I can't believe this is happening! We are ACTUALLY STARTING IVF!!! Just freaks the crapoley out of me, but yet I know that God is in control. Need to do more of that deep breathing! Good Lord help me! We are excited though. I'm ready, finally ready to proceed forward. Ready for closure, ready for answers. And so ready to hold a little one in my arms. I know I'm jumping the gun, counting my eggs before they hatch (HA!! Or before they even get LAID!), but I'm hopeful. Hopeful that God will bring us the desire of our hearts. But yes, I'm also realistic. Gosh heavy stuff for 10 at night!

So there you have it. Fundraisers, updates, BCP's and the start of the ride!! I feel like the shoulder bars just came down and clicked in to position, and the ride is about to start!!! Aren't you SO excited you get to come on this ride with us??? :-) Well its now or never, and all I can do is look straight ahead, hold on for dear life, and pray that I come out of this still breathing!! (and hopefully not puking! HA) Have a blessed day in the Lord!

FUNDRAISING!!!

2010-04-16T23:53:00.003-04:00

I'm so excited! So after some research and planning, it SEEMS we are going to have a BBQ Fundraiser for IVF $$...I'm totally stoked. Found this FABULOUS park (that is only $75 for the day!) and it has all kinds of fun stuff, volleyball, a dock to fish from, horse shoes, playground...Plus a lot of land to run around on. I'm hoping and praying its available on the 15th of May b/c if it is WE ARE GONNA PARTY!!!

Details are to come (after confirmation for getting the pavilion) but it looks like it will be a BBQ with a requested $10 a head, plus raffles and games where money and prizes may be won. (we'll see how that flies) Plus food fun and fellowship!!!

I've been so amazed at the response already, at those who are willing to give to help us toward this goal, to support us and HOPE for this child too. Knowing that its not 100%, that IVF isn't necessarily going to work, but willing to hope with us, sacrifice for us and our hopeful child(ren). That means the world to me. More then you will ever know...

So save the date... MAY 15th, 2010 at lunch time. We are going to (hopefully) have a BBQ OF HOPE!!!! Thank you for loving and supporting us. Your thoughts, prayers and kindness is what gets us through every single day!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Sorry been a little crazy...

2010-04-08T19:34:00.003-04:00

A bit of an update. OK a HUGE update!!! :-)

So on Tuesday I went for whats called a Trial Transfer...Basically my RE was measuring the length of my cervix and uterine wall so when we ARE transferring embryo's, there is little trauma as possible. Thankfully trial transfer was a piece of cake. I have a "retro easy entry cervix" woohoo! Aren't we excited. IUI's were pretty easy for me when I had them (very similar process)So this was fine and dandy...bonus for me! YAY One thing that is EASY!!!

Now I told you before that Matt has to be tested and all that, and they were greatly concerned. Well get this. They checked all of Matt's blood minus a few tests that they are still waiting on and everything is 100% perfect. Doesn't look genetic either. So the SA retest showed that even with such a low count there was still about 1% normal out of 500,000...Still a decent enough number for ICSI which was the plan all along. SOOO, she wants him to still see the urology male factor specialist on the 23rd, but they (RE and uro) have already been discussing his case and b/c everything looks normal lab and genetic wise, it is probably secondary to him sitting all the time. No way for the guys too cool b/c he sits in the wheelchair, and, short of him sitting on an ice pack all day, there isn't much we can do. Kinda like a perpetual sauna for the spermies!

BUT we can still move forward w/ICSI and IVF!! YAY! AND, barring any complications, WE ARE STARTING NEXT MONTH! So we need the Uro's go ahead, but b/c everything so far looks normal there is no real reason he would halt the IVF, so with my next period, I start with CD2 labs and u/s, then go on BCP's and Lupron!! Followed by stim, retrieval and transfer! EEEEKKK!!!!!!

This is really happening! I'm so excited. Cautiously excited, but excited none the less. The will freeze 1-2 "samples" from Matt and then collect fresh the day of retrieval (when they pull out my eggs) with the hopes that in those samples they will have enough normal sperm to do the ICSI.

One unfortunate is Dr. K is moving back to NY and will not be the one that does the retrieval, :-(, but she is going to work with the new RE (also a lady who she said is very sweet/compassionate, like minded to her) hand in hand with our case, so she'll basically just pick up where Dr. K will leave off. So it will be Dr. W.

I have to believe that God is laying out this path how it is supposed to fall for a reason. So I'm not stressing, all tho I'm a little sad, but its OK, we'll take it a step at a time!! Even with the new RE.

So that's our update!! In just about 3-4 weeks, the process will begin!! (assuming the urologist clears Matt) Can you believe it?? We need to do some fundraising b/c overall it will be probably close to $7,000 out of pocket, give or take. And, while we are doing much better financially, we are not farmers of money trees. So ideas appreciated it!!!

Continue to pray, we'll keep you posted. Thank you for joining us on this journey. It helps to have some many people care and love us through this! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Update from our Appt...

2010-03-17T23:22:00.002-04:00

So we are home from the Bahamas. We had an AMAZING time and just relaxed, slept, baked in the sun, and enjoyed the wonderful time. I love island time, its so easy going!!! Pictures and stuff to come once I get the time to upload them to the computer. We flew in Tues afternoon and my dad was kind enough to take us to our appt with Dr. K. This was the update after finishing all the wonderful tests and procedures prior to us starting IVF. Unfortunately, not all good news...

I'm doing good, I have a good ovarian reserve, thank God. My Hgb A1C was PERFECT (5.4) and I'm NON insulin resistant. So its definitely simple PCOS controlled with Metformin. That's good. I had a little bit elevated testosterone level, but she feels that will work out OK with the kind of protocol we would use for IVF. (explains the facial hair and deep manly voice. OK I'm kidding about the voice, unfortunately not about the hair. Thank the LORD I'm a blonde!) I do however have a little liver thingy going on. I have elevated liver enzymes and extremely elevated triglycerides (350 yea I know CRAZY!), all tho the rest of my panels are PERFECT and so is my cholesterol. So I should have a liver scan done eventually, just to be safe. (I have history of a fatty liver, runs in my family and has always given me an elevated liver enzyme) Just to be SAFE tho..They found an itty bitty fibroid in my uterus (which is new, never had one of them) and weirdly enough, I'm no longer immune to chicken pox. Go figure. So i have to get a varicella shot! LOL silly.

But here is the problem...

Matt's SA came back HORRIBLE, <500,000 and his morphology came back at <2% normal. Normal Semen analysis. He has only abnormal sperm and not many of them. She is greatly concerned, b/c she think she has either a genetic thing going on (one brother is IF also, one is fertile Myrtle) or some kind of gonadaltropin deficiency or hypothalamus issue. We can not go forward with IVF b/c we don't have really any viable sperm to work with and she is concerned that there is something that would prevent fertilization anyway. So now its Matt's turn. He has to see a urologist (which happens to work with my RE and is one of the best in his field for Male Factor IF) and have work up done. They are doing a HUGE panel of blood work on him (ha ha his turn!! :P) and checking a bunch of other genetic anomalies....So at this point, we are STOPPED dead in our tracks. Talk about coming to a SCREECHING halt.

She wants to continue moving forward as if we are doing IVF, so in a couple weeks I'll have a trial transfer and consult with the IVF nurse and go over paperwork/protocol/cost, etc...So that's in about 3 weeks....But before then Matt goes for his stuff....

I'm trying to hold it together, we are trying not to do our normal tantrum fit. I mean we might be halted all together b/c it may not be possible for Matt's guys to fertilize an egg. I'm a bit scared, this stinks....But we're trying to hold faith and just pray THY WILL BE DONE. I want answers and closure, and this may be how I will get it, whether we can do IVF or not...But it is very difficult to think we may not even get the chance to try for IVF. But we might find some underlying issue of Matt's that needs to be fixed and could cause other health issues.

Its hard, no matter how you look at it. One good thing is if we CAN'T do IVF b/c of something with the spermies, my body seems to be A-OK for carrying a baby and we can try for Embryo Adoption. But that is another thought for another day. So as always, continued prayers are appreciated. We will keep you posted as to what the urologist says. For now, I'm headed to bed!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Update...All is finished...

2010-03-07T20:52:00.003-05:00

Sorry it has been so super duper busy, I haven't had a chance to sit down and just write. My goodness its amazing how life can just fly by without a 2nd thought!!!

Update on our newest journey:
All tests are finished!! Hooray!!! I had my HSG last week on Monday. It was rather traumatic and I had a lot of issues, but after 3 tries and lots of repositioning, the doctor was able to finish the test. Thankfully everything looks fine for IVF. My left tube is wide open, the right is questionable, but there are no blockages or fluid build up that would cause toxicity to the embryos. So from and HSG point of view, we are good to go!!!

We have an appt on the 16th with Dr. K and will sit down and come up with protocol, plan, find out all the test results, etc. I'm still a bit questionable if we'll be able to do IVF. I'll be happy to hear her say we're a go...As for the $$ aspect of it, oh my goodness God is so good!!!! He just boggles my mind with the blessings He has given us! Our bills that are in are up to just around $4000 so far. Now per initial conversations with the insurance and the billing people at Dr. K's office, insurance only pays 50%. But I'll have you know, that so far, we have paid only $145 out of pocket!!! Yes that is it!!! I'm so utterly amazed!!! Now the big stuff is still coming, and the need for the finances are still there, but for now, we haven't had to pay for pretty much ANY of the tests and preparation stuff!!!! That is amazing!! I hope that you praise God with me!!!

So here we are, in just about a week, we'll have a game plan. And come the beginning of April, we just might be starting the roller coaster ride of our lives!!!

And to prepare for it, Matt and I are going away!! My work has been so wonderful!! Fabulous actually about all the tests and prep. Matt and I found an AMAZING deal for an all inclusive trip to the Bahamas, including food/airfare/hotel, for 4 nights and 5 days. My boss was kind enough to let me go as is Matt's boss. So we leave THIS Friday until next Tuesday. Yup we come back the day of the appt with Dr. K!! Its kind of our last little getaway, a time to be with each other as we prepare for what is to come. Whatever the result. We are so excited and grateful for the break!! With all that happened in the last year with Matt and with me, and our jobs, well we are ready for a break from life!!!

So that's it. Just pretty much holding right now until we talk with Dr. K. I'm excited, and peaceful, for what is coming. I'm just ready to be DONE. Done trying to conceive, done counting cycle days, done wondering, hoping, praying month after month for a miracle that doesn't come. I'm DONE. I'm ready for this last chance, and I'm ready for closure. I'm so ready to be DONE. So this is it folks!! First comes a vacay, then the news that will change our lives!!!

Please continue to pray for us as the fiances fall into place, the MD appts, and everything else that is to come!!! Thank you for loving and supporting us!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Home Stretch....

2010-02-21T20:18:00.003-05:00

So I went to the doctor today and had some CD2 lab work and ultrasound today. All I have to now is have an HSG to check my tubes and make sure nothing is inflamed or blocked. That is our last test, then we'll sit back down with the doctor and come up with a protocol to start the IVF. EEK!!!

Its hard to believe we are just about ready to start!!! I'm freaking out just a tad, but excited too. Its been 7 years in the making. This process, trying...We are to the point where we can try! Oh gracious. I'm so stoked. (I know this is nothing new but it is so surreal to me.)

So let's see, something else. I'm sick. I caught a lovely cold from all the sickies at work, it started as just laryngitis with 1/2 a voice, but now I just feel crappy and have no voice. Plus, as you can figure out, CD or cycle day 2 labs means there are other reasons I don't feel well. Work has been nuts and a vacation would be nice! HA!

Matt finished his scuba class, he goes for his first ocean dive class on Friday. I'm hoping someone will be able to take some photos so that I can post him under the water. It will be pretty cool!!!

OK my sickie brain needs to go to bed, I'm not making sense to myself! HA. I'll keep you posted as to what is next in this fun process. Thank you for your continued prayers!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

An update...

2010-02-07T23:15:00.002-05:00

I apologize for not posting this sooner. But I've been processing for the last week and a half! Its quite overwhelming this process that we are heading into....

So we met Dr. K. I like her, she is spunky and honest and straight to the point. But kind and compassionate as well. Which is what I need. Looking at all our old tests and such, she agrees that IVF/ICSI is the way to go. She is happy that we are cutting right to the chase and going for it. She explained what the process entails and what we will need to do before hand to get ready. Basically, aside from surgery, we are doing most of the tests over and also doing a bunch that haven't been done.

Matt went in on Friday and his guys were, ahem, tested, and also had blood work. I too had blood work and cultures to make sure I'm not carrying any STD's or disease that would be harmful to a baby (yea I know STD studies are hilarious for me!! LOL). I had the first round of blood work done on Thursday, including Glucose and Insulin tolerance tests. 21 vials of blood. Yup you read that right, twenty one. And the majority of it fasting and then just a few more at the one hour and two hour point of the glucose test after drinking some funk stuff!! BLEH. I'm glad that part is over...It is the most blood that will be taken at one time. Then on day 2 of my cycle, I'll go in for MORE blood work and an ultrasound to check my ovaries and follicles followed by an HSG a week after that to make sure there isn't any fluid built up in my tubes that could potentially harm an embryo. Then we come together and sit down with the doc and decide the plan...

Part of what they are looking for is to make sure that I'm not going into ovarian failure or early menopause. I need eggs to do IVF, if no eggs, no IVF and our trying for a bio child would be over...So I'm a little nervous about that b/c I know something funky is going on in my system. But if all goes well, nothing needs to be corrected, then we will move forward. She will come up with a IVF protocol for me and we'll start first with suppressing my system, then amping it up and stimulating it to produce eggs. Then the process goes from there.

Its NUTS to think we are heading into this!! EEEK! I've been in a tail spin of emotions ranging from fear to excitement, to even frustration that we "have to go there". I was looking at the financials and it is just irritating to have to spend so much money for something that should be FREE and FUN... One total cycle with this clinic is $15,000. Our insurance pays half, so approx $7-8,000 will be our responsibility. That's a huge chunk of money. For a CHANCE....We don't get that back if it doesn't work...

I am ready to move forward, and I know God has a plan for us, but sometimes I wonder why this is our burden to carry. But please know I'm incredibly grateful for the chance, I'm just not liking going over the books to figure out how to do it...MEH...And I'm scared, just plain old scared. This is a HUGE step for us, full of crazies and chaos and finality. Its a mighty crazy ride we are on!

So that's it for now. Currently we wait for my period to start, then go from there. Continued prayers please!! As we start this journey, and for the finances to work out with as little stress as possible!! If you have any fundraising ideas that are easy, I'd appreciate them!! (And we'll always take donations for the Matt and Talley BABY fund! HA!!!) Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Praising God for closure...

2010-01-27T22:52:00.003-05:00

WOW...OK so I was talking with my Mom in law (MIL) today and updating her on our appt this week. We were talking about Matt and I buying a home down the road and how Matt and I decided to put house hunting on hold and to solely focus on IVF and trying for a baby. Fact is, we can buy a house anytime, heck when I'm 50 we can, the market won't change so drastically that a new home won't be available to us in the future. But we can't try for a baby when I'm 50 or 40, or probably 35 for that matter. I'm running out of time, speaking from experience with some messed up girlie parts. I'm ready to run head on into trying for our baby, to grasp this last chance that we have. Because after this, we're done trying for a bio child, whether a baby comes or not. This fork in the road has split, and we aren't taking any further "bio" paths after this try is done. Yowsa, what hard pill to swallow!!

We continued to chat about God's timing, how He brought us to this place in our lives, this time in our lives so that we could try for a baby...That only b/c my job changed, and Matt's job changed, and our lives calmed down, and finances balanced, and this insurance became available...Only b/c numerous things came together in perfect unity, is there even an opportunity for us to proceed with IVF. Dunno about you but I see God's hand in all of this. But as we were chatting, in passing I mentioned how God is bringing us finality, that we are going to have closure. We will either have a child biologically, or we won't. No more of this hanging in the land of "unknown". Cuz lemme tell you it sucks to be going no where fast. To have no idea of what is to come, if its to come. Monitoring every cycle, watching every symptom, every sign of when conception is possible, or not. Then wondering as the end of a month comes, am I early, am I late? Is it possible that it happened? Could I be? No I'm not. And crushed month after month. I can't take that anymore. Even if IVF fails, and I have to grief the loss of a bio child, I will be OK. B/c for me, I will have done everything, tried everything. I won't be stuck in the land of "what ifs". I'll have walked all the paths. And I told my MIL, how nice it will be to be finished. No more unknown. Because this will bring me closure. And in the midst of the chaos, and the anticipation of whats to come, I'm praising God for closure.

We will have a bio child...

Or we won't...

But either way, it will be finished. And I can move on with my life, either as a new mom, or a potential adoptive mom, or a family of 2 with only the furry children. New doors, new journeys, new life is opening up to us and all because of God's great timing in all things. You'd think after YEARS I'd remember, its all within His timing and it lies within His hands. Silly me...

I know it may not make a lot of sense. How can something not working bring peace, but I know in my heart of hearts, however this turns out, I will be OK. WE will be OK. I will exalt my Lord, even if my heart is crushed. I will praise Him in the blessing, and in the pain. I WILL PRAISE HIM IN ALL THINGS...

Thank you for your continued prayers and support! It means the world to us! Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Getting Nervous

2010-01-24T16:21:00.003-05:00

Gosh, less then a week away. The doctor's office called on Friday just to "confirm my appt". Oh my gracious I think I swallowed my heart. EEEK! Just 5 days away from the fork in the road!! Oh my...

I am approximately every emotion that you can think of right about now!!! Excited, terrified, nervous, scared, hopeful, cautious....I am just not sure what to do with all of this. I found myself super duper weepy yesterday at church. One of my bro's friends just had their 3rd baby boy, and I found myself crying at the innocence of being with your husband and having a family. I was thinking about how we are moving forward, away from innocence and the product of love, to technology, science, cold and calculated. This is not how I expected to have a baby. With a team of doctors, nurses, and embryologists involved. I expected to fall in love, get married, be with my husband, and the product of that love to produce children. Heck, my hubby might not even be in the room if/when I get pregnant...How weird is that??

Now don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about the chance to get pregnant, that we have an opportunity to try for a child, I'm just grieving the loss of the innocence that is to come from becoming a mom. I'm not supposed to know the inner most workings of the female and male reproductive system. I know more about things, then even some of my doctors know. I mean come on, who can tell when they are ovulating based on amount/type of cervical mucous? That is more then ANYONE should have to know about their body!! Sheesh. And don't get me started on the sperm cycle. HA.

I guess, I'm just sad at the fact that this has come down to technology. But if it works, I'll surely get over it. I'm just a jumble of emotions and feelings and wonderment of all of this. And as each day creeps closer to THE day, I get more nervous, more anticipatory, and wonder, what is coming in our lives. Is this the end? Or will this be the beginning???

God give me the strength and guide me into Your will. It is the only place I want to be!!! Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we embark on this journey. Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

New Year....New Oppurtunity...

2010-01-17T21:32:00.003-05:00

Matt and I decided to share some news with you, as we feel we are going to need prayer from anyone we can reach. We are continuing to share the different journeys in our life, and want our readers to be a part of it...So as promised, here you go, our interesting news...

Because Matt was able to get his full time position back, he was also awarded BENEFITS. Something he usually doesn't have and my job carries. Well we went through the different plans and where I'm grateful to HAVE insurance, mine was so-so and REALLY expensive... (My portion is $750ish a month) Not to mention co pays and out of pocket costs are expensive. The joys of a small company. Well usually if Matt has insurance, its really crummy PPO type stuff where you pay enormous amounts for deductibles and out of pocket. Well this year, Apple has an HMOish type plan that is SOOO much better then mine, cheaper out of pocket and, get this, about $500 LESS a month! Yes you read that right. We are netting an additional $500 a month b/c of this new insurance! GOD IS GOOD!!!

So of course we decided to switch insurances. We are now on Apple's plan as of January 1st. Now I know you are asking me WHY I'm boring you with the details of our health insurance life....Well here is the interesting news/opportunity...Are you ready? Sitting down? OK here we go...

INFERTILITY TREATMENTS ARE COVERED!!! INCLUDING IVF!

Amazing right?? We are overjoyed! A ginormous chunk of IVF is covered by this insurance plan and makes the remaining cost so much more affordable that we can actually proceed forward with doing IVF to try and have a baby....(If you have no idea what IVF is, click here IVF to find out more) Now I'm sure there are some who are still saying "HUH?? What??"...So here's a background.

Matt and I need IVF with ICSI. Basically in a nutshell, we've been told our chances of conceiving on our own is about 2% or less, and even with IVF, chances are not that great. However they are considerably more then 2. However, for 6 years, this has been an unattainable goal, as IVF runs from $15-25,000 a cycle (yes that is 3 zeros). Knowing that something is your only option, yet knowing that option is so completely far out of reach, is rather depressing and frustrating. We've begged God for an option, a miracle, a plan, but have come up with NOTHING...Until now. :-)

We sat back and just looked at the situation in amazement. How God is orchestrating His will to fall in line. My job change will make it so much easier to take a few days off, to go to MD appt's, and much less stress to provide a much better resting place for little embryos. Financially we are much more stable, we are both healthier then we've been in years. I FEEL better, emotionally, physically, spiritually. If I tried to do IVF while still with the district, well, let's just say I don't think it would happen or take even if we were able too. Stress level was so far beyond tolerable, I can't imagine a little embie wanting to stick! LOL This is the time, God's timing, for us to try.

You don't have to tell me that "it may not work, you may not be able to, you may not get pg". I'm aware of reality. However we are moving forward prayerfully and feel God moving with us. Even when it slipped out to my office manager, she was so happy for us!! I know right? happy!! And very encouraging and supportive of taking time off, going to appt's, long lunches, etc. I can't tell you how happy it made me when she lit up all excited for this opportunity for us!!! WOOT! Just God opening another door, calming another fear, showing Himself in another situation. What an awesome God we serve!

So here we go! Our appointment with the new, insurance covered Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) is January 29th. Just 12 short days away! I'm nervous and excited and happy and scared and EEK! This is it. Our final chance for a biological child. We will do this only once, I will not subject my body to more then one fresh cycle. If it works, yay, if it doesn't, then trying to conceive a biological child will be over. And whether a child comes this way or doesn't, God is still good, and I will still love Him. Yes of course I would grieve at the loss of a bio child, but we will have been grateful for the CHANCE and the closure. But for now, I'm remaining optimistic.

So here is where my readers come in. We need PRAYER. Lots and Lots of prayer. This will be a tedious road, in all areas. I know that a journey is coming that will take every ounce of strength I have, and we both are going to need to be held up in prayer by those we love and who love us. For me physically as I endure shots and hormones and procedures, and Matt as he deals with his psychotic wife who is on hormones and shots!! We are asking for you to join us in this journey, to be a part of whatever it is God has in store for us. To support us through the good, and the bad, whatever it may be.

So for now, prayer as we prepare for the first leg of the journey, the CONSULT, the first round of tests, and the actual cost that we will have to pay out of pocket.We appreciate your love and support!!! Please know that!! More is to come! I hope you are ready for some long posts, cuz me thinks they shall be a-comin'!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-16T00:34:00.003-05:00

I know I'm just a bit late on posting, but can I say, life is busy?? But life is good! (Nice to hear, right?) Currently sitting here, waiting on jeans to dry b/c I have to be up early tomorrow, er um, make that later today, to go to a meeting for church. Can't have wrinkled jeans for church, now can I?? :-)

Matt went to Boston just before New Years. He left me all alone, but it was good. I worked New Year's Eve baby sitting about, oh, 50+ kids with 5 other ladies at the Ritz Carlton. OK they had 5 bounce houses IN their main ballroom!! And tables, and crafts, and movies, oh and popcorn, candy, ice cream, and cotton candy. Thankfully only one kid puked!! :-) What a night! But made some nice $$ running around and bouncing with kids. It was fun, but absolutely exhausting! I literally had to chill the rest of the weekend b/c I was wiped OUT! I missed celebrating with my hunny, but we got to hear screaming on the phone, I THINK it was him...

Work is picking up even more, so been steadily busy with that. Today is my first scheduled day off in a while, so I'm looking forward to finally taking down the tree (yes I know...) laundry and just relaxing. I was sick this week, and it seems to have passed so I don't want to overdo it.

Let's see, the ladybug is in the shop finally getting the rear end fixed and I'm stuck in a little wiener car. Nissan Versa. yea so not my style, and it smells like pot. Febreeze kills the smell for all of about 3 days. I stopped bringing the bottle in b/c I just have to go back out and spray the car! Lord willing my red baby will be back to me next week!! I can't WAIT!

I know a boring post, however I hear the buzzer. I promise I have some interesting news that I'm saving for a separate post...Matt and I have talked and decided we shall be sharing some stuff that shall be going on in our lives b/c we will need your support and prayers. But alas, that is a post for another day...Oh please know that you have to go through the security words and junk on the blog now, I got spammed some Japanese slut-ski junk, and I want to keep that off my blog!! I hope all is well! Remember to leave a comment if you read! I love to see who is browsing my blog!! Its nice to know I'm not just talking to outer space...And Japanese slut-ski's. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

So I've been yelled at...

2009-12-26T23:37:00.002-05:00

For not blogging. YAY someone reads my blog!!!

Sorry faithful readers, it has been bananas here. B-A-N-A-N-A-S! (Dish girls, that was for u!) I have tons of photos and lots to catch you up on, but alas, the pics are not downloaded, and the info is a jumble in my brain!! But its been good!!

We've definitely come into season at work...There is no mistaking it! Oh my its busy! But busy is good, busy means business!! All tho there have been a few nurses and patients I've wanted to strangle! We had a very blessed Christmas! God has been so good to us as always! We spent the first couple of hours with my mom and dad, then spent the rest of the morning with Matt's folks, then took the trek to Miami where we spent the afternoon and evening. I went to visit my Grandmother (my last living GRAND) with Matt at the ALF she resides in. She has Alzheimer's disease and requires constant care. Normally she is very too herself and distant. She is no longer the Mema I once new. But God was good this visit! She was smiling, trying to talk, holding my hand and kissing it, kissing me, blowing kisses to Matt. She kept patting Matt on the arm and even posed for a picture smiling (well smiling for her!) It was wonderful and a wonderful visit! I love leaving on that up note because you just never know with her how things will go. I left praising God for that smile and those kisses. Who knows what next time will bring, so I rejoice in today.

We then went to my aunt and uncle's where the whole fam damily joined in!! We feasted and did our gift exchange! My amazingly talented cuz hand beaded me a purse with butterflies. Its so amazing! Pictures to come! Promise!!

It was a wonderful blessed Christmas. But above all, God leaves me in shear amazement at the wonder of His amazing gift He gave to us!! He gave us His son, stripped down to an innocent, helpless baby who would grow into a man that would save us. Can you imagine, or fathom the awesomeness of sacrifice that was given to us? I praise God every day for it, for Jesus. They sang a song at service for Christmas Eve. A Baby Changes Everything. Who knew on that night so long ago, that this little baby would be changing everything. I pray you remember that as we finish this holiday season!!!

Love to all of you!! Merry Christmas!! Be blessed in our Lord!

Just a couple fotos...

2009-12-10T17:59:00.004-05:00

I wanted to show you our tree and some pictures of Lily being silly!! Hey that rhymed! Things are well, just busy!!! Getting ready for the holiday season and catching up at work! I'm feeling much better but the jury is still out on fault for my accident. They really make you hurry up and WAIT! SIGH...So here we go, wait wait wait. Seems to be a theme in my life! LOL

Alright, photos! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Pictures from Thanksgiving

2009-12-05T14:18:00.013-05:00

Sorry it took so very long!! My gracious its been a crazy week! It took over 15 hours to get home on Sunday on what should have been an 11 hour drive...OIY. Traffic was nuts. Then work on Monday was a tad crazy too! (No boss tho, he is on vacation!!!) On Tuesday, I was in a minor accident in my PARKING LOT AT HOME!!! My neighbor backed into me and squashed my new car's bumper!! SAD SAD DAY!! I also hurt my back. I had seen him coming so I tensed and must have been turned just right to tweak my back. So It was a day full of insurance claims, police case numbers, adjusters, doctors and annoyance. My car is reparable, but they haven't decided the amount of fault yet. Gotta love Florida's NO FAULT rule!! Then on Thursday, JUST when my chiropracter got me feeling better, our office chair broke when I flailed back after hubby tickled my foot, and I fell flat to the ground on my back, shoulder, hip and side. I'm a lovely assortment of colors, from the deep blacks and purples, to the beautiful hues of blue. OIY. I've seen my chiropractor more in the last week then I have in a YEAR!!!

So needless to say, here I am now, posting some pictures for you! I won't do to many, just some of my silly family!!! I really enjoyed my time in NC, missed my hubby tho! Overall it was a wonderful reunion and family gathering!!! We are truly blessed with how God has brought such peace in such a turmoil time!!! So without furthur ado...Here are some pics from Thanksgiving, and oh a little of other stuff!!

This was the full moon the other night, it was just gorgeous! Pics do NOT do it justice!!!

Here is my crunched car. WAHH!

My Auntie Kathy had a birthday while we were in NC. So all the girls went out and celebrated!!!

My Cuz and I tired out my uncles harley! :)

And Thanksgiving Pictures!!!

Heading to bed...

2009-11-28T00:28:00.003-05:00

After a crazy couple of days!!

There were over 25 people at the house at my Aunt P's. I really enjoyed myself! It has been a wonderful Thanksgiving! Since 1/2 our family moved up to NC, its been much smaller, more intimate type holiday celebrations. I've missed our blow out parties that we have!!! And this is the holiday that never ends! We just picked up today and kept going...

The guys went and played some golf, while the girls went...SHOPPING!!! Of course. What is a girls day w/o some shopping. (And I must say I got some adorable boots, 2 pair for $45!! SCORE!) Then the ladies went out to an early dinner at Olive Garden and celebrated my Aunt K's birthday. Then we came back to P's house and I helped my cuz make sock puppets for her class in college. Yes her college money at work, making sock puppets! Where were those classes when I was in college!

I really have enjoyed myself, spending time in the mountains and with all my family. I've been lovin' on my baby cuz and getting some baby fixin' that I've needed so. My heart still hurts, but I've done pretty OK this holiday. One down, one to go. But so far, I've been able to enjoy and not hurt so much. Guess it shows I am growing. Or turning numb. One or the other!!!

This is such a unique time in my life. My aunties and I were talking about it yesterday. I'm growing up, I'm an adult now (I know I have been but I FEEL more adult-y now). I'm now, not the little niece, but a friend to my aunties, my mom. MY baby cuz (who is 20!! EEK) has become one of my dear friends. We talk and confide in each other, and its just neat to watch her grow into this amazing, Godly, unique and honorable young woman. Probably what my aunties felt about me as I turned into their friend over their "little niece". It's just neat to have this opportunity to be able to become closer to my family in different ways then it ever was before. Kinda hard to explain I guess. But I know that I can confide in them, ask for prayer, and now I'll get the love and support I'd get from any friend, AND they love me. Just pluses all around!!! :^)

Wow, it just hit me how tired I am. I must call my hubby and remind him how much I love him!! Absence really does make the heart grow fonder! I'm ready to be home and in his arms!! Good night dear friends. Pictures to come, I promise! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

Heading to NC...

2009-11-24T20:50:00.003-05:00

Which for me means NICE n COLD!! It is cool in NC and I'm so looking forward to it! I may have a different way of thinking when I'm actually IN the cold! My folks arrived safely with ladybug (my car, I think I like the name, still workin' on that) and their dog penny...I fly up there TOMORROW! I'm so stoked!! I'm looking forward to a bit of a break!! Then Mom, Dad, penny and I are driving back home on Sunday in Ladybug. Hmmm, still not sure of the name.. Suggestions?

Holidays are hard for me...Lots of hopes and dreams that are dashed and crushed around this time of year. Another "we shoulda had a baby, a toddler, a kindergartner by now" type thoughts roll around in my pea brain. Makes my heart hurt. SIGH. Some things never go away I spose. I'm trying to just enjoy Thanksgiving, my family, my new auntie, and just BE. And on some days, that is easier said then done. Funny how my heart will ache in waves. Guess it depends on how distracted I am with life....

I am gonna miss my hubby as he is stuck here for Black Friday. Who invented that anyway? I mean SERIOUSLY! Who wants to be bombarded by nasty crazed out of control shoppers at 4:30 in the morning, just to get the shirt that is 10% off the raised price that I can get for the same price in about 2 weeks? SHEESH! Not my forte, as you can tell. He will be spending TGing with his mom and sister and her fiance. They are getting married in MAY! I'm so excited, her dress is beautiful and she will be a stunning bride!! Wow I jumped around tonight!

Well gotta finish packing, going straight from work tomorrow, so need to be prepared. I'll be off for a few days, but will try to do some typing and picture uploading while in NC. If not, you'll see me when I get back!!! May you all have a fabulous safe Thanksgiving! Have a blessed day in the Lord...

Look at the painting God gave me this evening!! I took this while stopped at a red light on the way home...Isn't His creation amazing?

Our God is an Awesome God!

2009-11-19T21:20:00.006-05:00

Hello my readers oh the few but faithful!!! (I really need to get the word out to family that I'm blogging again!!!) I've just got to say our God is AWESOME!!!

Its been an interesting and fun week. My new auntie has arrived!!! She is here from Aussie safe and sound, praise God. Dad, Matt and I drove to Miami and met up with my other family to greet her at the airport! It was quite an adventure!! LOL

It is amazing to me how she just fits into our crazy family. She is like a little puzzle piece that has been missing and when joined with the rest of the puzzle, is a perfect fit. Truly remarkable how God has shaped and molded everything to fit so nicely together. Its as if she has been a member of our family for ever and not just the last few months. I can only contribute the smooth transition to our Lord. Well transition for 1/2 of us anyway!! Anne is coming tomorrow with my other auntie and stopping here on their way to NC for Thanksgiving next week. There she will meet the rest of them. The other "half" of us!!! We are all meeting up next week for a huge family reunion. I fly in on Wed after work, and then will drive home with my mom and dad on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it!!!

Here is a picture of all of us meeting Anne at the airport:

It was an amazing experience! Something I will treasure always. Grabbing into my arms a piece that was missing, that I didn't even know was missing, and then realizing with that hug, we are now whole!!! Very very cool!!! Totally a God thing!!!

We spent the weekend getting to know her. Had a BBQ at my aunt's house. Mom and I drove down to Miami to participate, it was fun. I also got to see my Mema who is in a home b/c of Alzheimer's. She is mentally pretty much gone, but she did blow me kisses and knew my daddy's name. Its bittersweet. She is so well cared for, my aunties have seen to her care and helped get her the very best, but she is no longer the essence of what my Grandma was.

It has me thinking a lot about our own future, where will Matt and I be in 40 or 50 years. Will we have any grown little ones to be a part of our lives and to care for us? Or will we be alone, put away b/c there is no one to care for us. Will I have a legacy to leave? Its very hard not knowing if my name and legacy and faith will be carried on by my child b/c I don't know if that child will exist. Its a hard place to be but I'm trying and learning, not to ask God "Will you do this for me or give me the desires of my heart?", but to trust that HE CAN. Its a walk of faith, stepping out into the unknown, trusting that he CAN do what I ask or desire, but being OK with the fact that it may not be in His will. That in the middle of my impossibility is when I need to BELIEVE in God's ABILITY!!! Easier said then done, but I am learning.

On a lighter note, our pictures are back from our photo shoot! They are BEAUTIFUL! I'm so impressed by Jamilah's talent!! They are posted all over facebook, but I'll give you a few here as well that are our faves. Tomorrow is beautiful FRIDAY, my favorite day of the week! And we are having dinner at my folks with my bro, sis-in-law and my aunties. So I'm off to bed dear world! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!!

AHHH!!!

2009-11-07T20:16:00.003-05:00

CRAZINESS!!!!

Its been a bonkers crazy full moon week!!! I'm so glad its over but yet its not as i am on call. That has not been so great either!! OIY to the VEY...

Thankfully it is bringing on a paycheck, so that works for me. SIGH, me so sleepy...Its hard to believe how amazingly crazy a job can be, and how much chaos can be produced in just a short amount of time. I've been out and to the houses of patients all week long!! So short handed at work, that Me and J have been having to cover. One that I've been seeing a ton is unfortunately dying...So that has been weighing heavy on my heart all week. Finally he is going into Hospice care, which will be better for him, but it saddens my heart. I've already lost 2 dear patients since starting in home care, and I've only lost maybe 4 or 5 in my entire career up to date. So this working with adults who die more, is a little bit tough on my heart. Brings back a lot of memories of Oma and her last hours here with us... Pokes at that bruise on my heart! :^(

Overall just an exhausting week. But thinks are looking up, as always, and God is control!!! We found out Matt's insurance is going to be so much better then mine for next year and NOT ONLY THAT it will save us $450 a MONTH!!! SWEETNESS! So that is an amazing blessing for us. Will totally help to break down our debt!! GOD IS GOOD!!

Well that is all....Short and sweet tonight!! I'm still fiddling on the computer for work, so its time to get off my blog!! :^) hee hee... Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Rental dog...

2009-11-01T22:39:00.006-05:00

So for Halloween weekend, we babysat, or rather doggy sat my friend Nik's pup. He is an old poofy Pomeranian that peed on everything. However he was cute and the animals relatively got along. I even dressed him up in Joy's bumble bee costume for Halloween.

Its hard to believe its November already. I'm shocked that this year is almost over. My Aunt Anne is coming in less then 2 weeks from Australia. I can't believe THAT time is here too!!! She is flying into FL and its just a few weeks from our family reunion in NC for Thanksgiving. I know I'm gonna have to face a pregnancy as my cousin's bro and wife are expecting. Again. Every holiday season for the last couple of years I've had to face their preggie belly. In just half the time Matt and I have been trying for a little one, they will have 3. Sheesh, if only my eggs were HALF as good!!! OIY.

I hate that I never have a safe place, that pregnancy and babies and bellies are all around me, no matter what I do. And that I have to just suck it up and take it. Its hard. It hurts my heart so much, and yet its the natural progression of life. Just not in my body. Amazing to me how IF can bring down just about anything. I just pray that my heart stays protected and safe. I'm choosing to rejoice in the fellowship with my family, and I'll just have to hide my broken heart. SIGH nothing is ever simple is it? I wish there were a way to shut off this everlasting pain that is in my heart. Well its time for bed and I want to show you the animals. Have a blessed day in the Lord.

A teaser picture...

2009-10-31T18:05:00.002-04:00

From our photo shoot!!! I so want to see the rest!! I think its very cute...What do you think? More to come I hope!

Check out Jamilah's website! Her photos are amazing!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord.

I'm just plain tuckered out...

2009-10-28T23:45:00.002-04:00

It has been a long crazy day!! It involved 911, 27,000 phone calls (OK bit of an exaggeration), a visit to a patient, IV, J tube, wound care, and 4 1/2 extra hours after work!!! Again I say...

L O N G
D A Y

But here I am at 1145pm typing up a bit of a blog post! Nothing new and exciting, which is so strange for us. But I just feel the urge to post about whatever is on my mind, which today, that would be NOTHING. HA! I'm hoping that by writing, more will come to the surface, and more are back and reading, now that I'm more faithful.

Can I just say, I love my job? Things are going so well, even amidst the crazy day. It is such a blessing in so many ways that I can't even begin to write them down. GOD IS GOOD! Can I get an AMEN?? And to work with one of my bud's who is a God fearing, Jesus loving freak...it just is plain amazing. I just have to say that I am so blessed!!! Thank you Lord! See all those months and years of prayers for God to pull us through WORKED. Thank you for holding us up and lifting up our needs to God, b/c he has made it quite clear he is listening.

I just pray, that some day, our most precious desire will come true. I was babbling to J about my promise ring/chastity ring, whatever you want to call it, that I wore prior to marriage. My hub and I were good little doobies and waited til we were married to join in marital union. (HA! I don't feel comfy saying, S E X online!! *blush* hee hee) Anyway I was telling her about giving the ring to Matt that will then one day go to our first born daughter. I IMMEDIATELY got all teary eyed because, I don't know if I'll have a daughter to give it to. My tradition and gift may stop with me because I may not be a mom. That sucks. One of those unexpected blows that pop up now and then, catch me off guard. I have to recenter myself, and get it back to OK. Gosh but it was hard today...Luckily I had to go see a patient so I was able to do so quickly but, man, i struggled!!! So alas, even when all is going right in the world, the gi-normous elephant in the room peeks his head around the corner and reminds me that I'm still a heartbroken infertile woman. Good thing I'm more then that to God, cuz that's a suck-face thing to be.

One step forward in growth and healing, 27 steps back. Sigh. The never ending path.

I guess somethings will just always be a part of who I am. One day I'll be OK with it. Guess today was not that day!! Praise God for grace, to pick me back up once I land flat on my face. Have a blessed day in the Lord.

This IS the truth!

2009-10-27T18:27:00.002-04:00

This is a very cool video that my brother in law posted on Facebook. I just had to share! its really neat...Have a blessed day in the Lord

33

2009-10-26T22:27:00.002-04:00

My lovely adoring spouse is 33 y/o today. Yes Matt has turned the big 3-3. We've had a lovely day, he worked his butt off, so did I. Then we went to his Mum's house for surf and turf. He surfed, I turfed. Moo.

It started with lobster races across the floor. OK no not really, that would be at his dad's house, not his very proper New England Mum!! :) But they did hang out in the kitchen sink until they nose dived into the boiling water. I anticipated screams and loud clanging, but alas, all was silent as the dove to their boiling death. RIP little lobsters. They may be cockroaches of the sea, but they are mighty tasty...Especially the claws dripping with butter. YUM my fave part. Matt wouldn't share, but my lovely mum in law gave me a claw! (did I mention my turf was filet mignon???) ROCKIN'!!

Matt got a new assortment of clothing and pants, followed by a $$ card. He plans on buying a "toy" with it as he did not obtain one for his birthday. I know how silly of me to buy my hubby underwear and not a toy. But his current skivvies are worthy of church as they are so HOLY....YIKES! (but I know a secret of things to come that he is not aware of! HA HA HA)

We had our foto shoot this weekend with my girlfriend J. We got lucky, the rain passed just long enough to have deep blue skies and humidity out the ying yang, but in the shade it was wonderfully cool. She took amazing fotos and lots of fun poses. I can't wait til she is done editing them!! I'll post some, or the link to her blog when they come in!!! I can't wait, but I spose patience is a virtue.

Nothing else going on, just busy as usual...Been rather calm for the Mac household. Holding true to the Paradise in our blog title! HA! Very unusual for us! Just a boring blog post updating you on Matt's bday!!! Its just over 2 weeks from my Aussie Auntie's arrival to the states! It will be exciting times in the Crownover/Mac household!!! I'll have plenty to share then!!!

For now, we are praising God for His abundant blessings in our life!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

A very cool poem...

2009-10-23T22:40:00.003-04:00

I swiped this from another blog that I read. It was just so neat to me, so I thought I'd share. Not much new going on! We're having pics taken tomorrow for our Christmas card through the photog that I won the free portrait setting with. YAY! OK so here is the poem. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

The Potter's Vessel

The Master was searching for a vessel to use,

on a shelf there were many,

Which one would He choose?

Pick me, cried the gold one,

I’m shiny and bright, I’m of great value,

and do things just right.

My beauty and lustre will outshine the rest,

and for someone like you, Master, I would be best.

But the Master passed on with no word at all,

He came to a silver urn, it was narrow and tall.

I’ll serve you, Dear Master, and I’ll pour your wine,

and be at your table whenever you dine.

My lines are so graceful and my carvings so true,

and my silver would always compliment you.

Unheeding, the Master passed on to the brass,

it was wide mouthed and shallow and polished like glass.

Here, here, cried the vessel, I know I will do,

place me on your table for all men to view.

Look at me, cried the goblet of crystal so clear,

my transparency shows my contents are dear.

Though fragile am I, I’ll serve you with pride,

and I’m sure I’d be happy in your house to abide.

But the Master came next to a vessel of wood,

polished and carved, it solidly stood. Use me,

Dear Master, the wooden bowl said,

But I’d rather you’d use me for fruit, please

no bread.

Then the Master looked down and saw a vessel of

clay, empty, broken, it helplessly lay.

No hope had that vessel, that the Master might choose to

cleanse and make whole, to fill or to use. Ah, this

is the vessel I’ve been hoping to find. I’ll mend it and I’ll

use it and I’ll make it all Mine.

I need not a vessel with pride in itself,

not the one so narrow who sits on the shelf,

nor the one who’s big mouthed and shallow and loud,

not the one who displays its contents so proud,

not the one who thinks he can do all things just right,

but this plain earthen vessel filled with MY power and might.

Then gently He lifted the vessel of clay,

mended and cleansed it and filled it that day.

He spoke to it kindly, there’s work you must do.

You pour out to others and I’ll pour into you.

By : Beulah V. Cornwall

I'm trying to be more faithful!!

2009-10-20T22:58:00.003-04:00

Even if its just to say H E L L O!

Its been busy this week at work. Season is coming and we are so short handed. Any nurses looking for per diem work??? :D

Over all things are going well, I'm learning my job, still getting to see patients, and teach the nurses to be better and good at what they do! I like it. Paycheck ain't half bad either! I LOVE working with my friend J...It so neat to have a fellow Christian AND friend working side by side. Half the day we are just dissolved into a bucket of giggles. I think we scared one of our nurses today!! She and I have taken to WALKING. Started on Monday. Walked about a mile. Then I was so pumped I came home and rode my bike about a mile and a half. I have bike butt today! OUCH, and now my calves are SCREAMING at me! But I'm gonna walk tomorrow, even if its just 1/2 a mile. I'm determined. (and she'll drag my butt to the walk path) I feel bad for her b/c she could easily be running this path, and I'm slowing her down, but she is willing to walk it with me!

Lets see. Not much else going on...I'm better from the weekend. Its the journey of IF. OK one minute, a blubbering idiot the next. It comes in waves, triggered by something that turns your would upside down. No one at work really knows our situation (J does)...So I get a lot of "Just you wait till your a mom", "why don't you have kids?", "You're YOUNG, you just enjoy being married".

YEA. OK.

Seven years of being married, I'm ready for a baby, a child, a kid to raise up in the Lord. So Um, ANY DAY NOW GOD!!! Sheesh. But again, I'm mostly OK most of the time. Take it a day here and there. SIGH...

Well it is bed time for ME...I'm sore and tired and have to work in the AM...Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Bittersweet....

2009-10-18T17:21:00.002-04:00

Bittersweet. My dear friend H nailed it. I was describing to her our weekend.

One of my IF buddies came down to visit us with her hub and her miracle IVF babies. They are 20 mos old and absolutely fabulous girls! They ran me ragged to the point of an all afternoon nap yesterday! (Matt too!!) They are such an amazing miracle. Not only their creation, but that they survived her mother who needed over 4 months of bed rest to bring these little miracles safely in the world after needing IVF and IV medicine to shut down her natural killer cells that attacked the babies in-utero.

And yet, my heart is bittersweet.....

R was such a great friend and is not one who has "forgotten" her IF and the 6 year struggle of IF and loss she had endured. She gave me time and space with hugs and love through each step. She is pretty amazing like that. I loved holding her babies, praising God for their existence and the miracle of their little lives. And yet my heart was breaking inside for me. Just physical pain at the ache that comes from me lacking my own little ones. I held on to her one little girl, B...She and I hit it off and she was a snuggle bug. Crawling all over me, hugging me, blowing me kisses and snuggling close when she was sleepy...I held this little girl and imagined what it would be like if she was mine...To have my little girl snuggling with me. But she's not, and I don't know, and may never know what its like to have my little girl snuggling in my arms, rubbing my face and giving me kisses...

I cried myself to sleep, with my husband holding me...I don't even know if he was aware of the heartache I was experiencing. The ache of empty arms and a broken heart.

Yes I believe bittersweet is the perfect word....

Pictures as promised...

2009-10-14T22:41:00.006-04:00

Well folks, I'm officially 31, and 2 days old...I've enjoyed having a several day long celebration of my birthday! Its been awesome! Hub and I went out to Taverna Opa (greek food) on my actual birthday on Monday. It was fun, but loud. They sang and threw napkins all over us. It was amusing! Then we went to see Couple's Retreat. Cute movie with some "close your eyes quick" scenes but overall pretty funny!!! Matt brought me home some beautiful roses. I really truly enjoyed my day, er um dayS. I figured I'd have a hard time, wanting my babies, another year coming and going. But I'm actually doing OK. Don't get me wrong, my heart aches for a child, but I've been able to just celebrate being ME and enjoy my time with family and friends!!! Its been lovely!! Oh and one more thing, I won a photography sitting with a teacher friend of mine! I'm so stoked! We wanted her to take our pictures, but didn't have the $$ for it. So I entered her contest and WON! A free portrait sitting with an 8x10! I'm so excited! :) Here is her blog if you want to see her work. I just think she is one talented chick!!!

www.jamilahscreativetouch.com

OK and now for the pictures! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Our friends S and J

Um, drink? What whatcha talking about???

Oh THIS drink. Yes. Mine. YUM

My mom and dad

My Mom and dad in law

Horrid pic of me blowing out my candles. Guess what I wished for??? :D

My sister in law K.

My H2 Crew. Happy hour girls!! D her mom P and J

Our dear friends J and R (our anniversary buds)

Everyone being silly

On our way to Taverna Opa. Trying to get a pic of my cuteness. Didn't work...

Matt after the napkins were thrown!

Me with them too!

The flowers he bought me. Just playing around.

My Bday dinner.

2009-10-09T23:42:00.002-04:00

So we went out tonight with about 20 something family and friends to Longhorn's to celebrate my bday!!! It was so much fun, and the food was fabulous! The waiters screwed up our bills and it took an hour and a half to sort, but you know our family, we just kept chillin' and talkin'!!!

It was so much fun and I feel so loved! Thank you everyone!!! Its going to be a weekend long celebration! :) My bday is actually on Monday, (31 YIKES!!!) but I'm all about celebrating for more then a day... hee hee.

Really I had a ton of fun. It just touched my heart that I have so many people who love me and care for me and wanted to share that time with me!!! I do have some pictures and I will post them later, as for now I'm going to bed as I am on call this weekend. (I wasn't thinking very clearly when I made the schedule. OOPS!!!)

Hope all is well with everyone. I'm hoping my followers will come back as I'm trying to write more! I promise!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Sunday, Sunday...

2009-10-04T18:04:00.006-04:00

So as you can see, I've been fiddling around with my blog!! What do you think?? I love the pictures at the top, our desire, our hope, our prayer. Just looked cool to me, and the background just went with it so very nicely!!!

Life is BUSY! B-U-S-Y, BUSY! But good. Matt and I are doing well. We just celebrated our 7th year of marriage!! Its so hard to believe. So much time has passed...We are doing well tho. The Deeper Still conference was absolutely AMAZING! A beautiful time of worshiping God and growing in his word!! It was truly a blessed time!!! Food for my weary soul!! Then we had this amazing worship this weekend at church!! Its our 25th anniversary at church and we did 25 years of Worship. So we went through all the years of music and CD's and just worshiped God all evening! So fabulous!! Then Matt and I came home and we listened to our new CD from church and worshiped some more!!! Just a good ol' fashioned soul feedin'!

So I figured I'd post some pics from the weekend revival:

All the girls

Me and my friend M

Me and my friend S

S and M being their cute selves!

The three of us!!

And these are the pics from our anniversary outing with our friends J & R. It was their anniversary on the 18th and R's bday was the same as our anny, so we had tons to celebrate. We went to the melting pot and had a GRAND time!!! These are the flowers Matt sent me at work! They are still going strong 2 weeks later!!! (well 2 weeks tomorrow) Aren't they purdy? And then the pics of our anny outing!

R and J

All of us

The fondue chocolate we got. It was YUMMY

R blowing our her candle

Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!!!!!

Hello blog land...

2009-09-17T22:21:00.002-04:00

Wow work is NUTS and busy crazy cukoo! And Matt and I have just been trying to, well, deal...Work is good for Matt and for me... (did I mention he got his full time position back??? WOOT WOOT! PRAISE GOD!) And things have been very positive, feeling very blessed. And praising God for it...Hmm what else. OH I have a new Auntie. And she lives in AUSTRALIA! Long story short...while my Bepa (dad's dad) was stationed in Malta ions ago, my aunt was produced. Anyway, she found us through FACEBOOK of all places. So several weeks and a DNA test later, it is proven that she is a half sister to my dad and his 5 siblings!!! Well we are having a reunion in NC for Thanksgiving and everyone is coming, including our new auntie!! She was able to get a Visa and she will be flying in to visit for a month or two! Now that the shock has settled, we are extremely excited to meet this new member of our family!!! What a miraculous way for God to have her find us!!! It should be a blast. My blessed new boss (and friend) is giving me the Friday after TG so I can fly up and be with my family. Unfortunately Matt will be stuck working, but we plan on a BBQ and lots of visits while Auntie is down here...Interesting times!!!

And yet there is always that little monkey wrench that throws a kink in the peace. Annoying, right? I had a very positive IF week. I actually held and loved on a little 4 day old baby boy (AND was the only one in my office to get him quiet being he wanted momma and she wasn't around). I was so proud of myself that I did well...Then I freaking crashed and BURNED...And this weekend just brought the walls tumbling all around me...Deep deep hole of sadness...and hurt...and brokenness. SIGH... :(

But through the sadness, and some difficult moments, Matt and I are talking more, trying to work through the pain together...Its a good thing. We are quite blessed to have our Exec. Pastor at church to be understanding and caring and empathetic. I've told you before how he has gone through this journey. And I can drop him a line out of no where, and he will turn around and write me back quickly, pray for us, hold us, and support us in this journey. What a blessing he is in our lives, a true God-send. He has been very helpful pulling my head out of this hole this weekend. Our bible study "huddle" too. We are blessed with the people God has dropped into our lives to walk with us on this journey.

Anyway, nothing real specific right now, just ramblings. I'm leaving to go to Orlando tomorrow after work. I'm meeting with some of my good friends and going to the Life Way women's conference with Beth Moore and Kay Arthur. I'm SO looking forward. A weekend away, a weekend with praise and worship and encouragement. Sounds like a plan to me!! I'm praying for God to soothe some of my hurt like a balm to my weary soul and encourage my heart this weekend. I'm hoping.

I'll have to post some pics after the trip...And maybe give you a more understandable post! My brain is just all over the place!!! LOL forgive me my faithful readers...OK off to bed, I have to get up EARLY tomorrow to pack up the car!!! And then go to work. BLEH. :D Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Difficult, emotional day

2009-08-31T20:29:00.001-04:00

I don't know why this month is hitting me so hard, maybe its anniversary of Oma's passing, maybe its the just passing 6 years of IF, maybe its b/c our 7th anniversary is coming up, then my 31st bday, then Matt's 33rd bday, maybe its just b/c another year has come, and gone, with nothing to show for it except increased disappointment and more heartache and tears...

Dunno...

I've been very weepy today. I'm not even due for my period yet, like another week and a half to go...Just frustrated and tired, and sick of being let down month after month, even tho my brain knows it probably will never happen on its own, my heart gets hopeful each month...grrr. so stupid of me.

I know that this probably has something to do with it as well...My dear dear IF girlfriend is on her way to Israel as we speak. Its pretty amazing (and I'm HIGHLY jealous that I'm not with her! :) ) So I had jokingly said that she can go to the wailing wall on both our behalves, not thinking she actually could...Do you know that she has a prayer for Matt and I and our desires and yearning to be parents, and she is going to put it in the wailing wall and intercede on our behalf? Its so neat to think, that in one of the oldest, holiest places, the place that is known as the direct ear to heaven, that my beloved friend is going to bring our desire, our dreams, our heartache, our sadness and lay it before the Lord!!??!! Its just so amazing to me. Now I know that Jesus gave us that bridge that separates us from God so that he can hear us directly, no need for a priest in the Holy of Holies, I'm just speaking based on tradition. Its a holy and sovereign place, and my prayer will be placed there. Just overwhelms me, its an amazing thought. So that is adding to my tearful day (that and a bad day at work)...

I know I'm rambling nonsense. I'm just feeling so honored that my friend would do this for us, intercede on our behalf, and I know that she doesn't even have to ask me what to say, she could pray it verbatim, without even a peep from me...Its pretty neat, I think.

I try to keep my emotions in control, not let IF take control of who I am and what I desire. Most of the time, I succeed, but today I'm struggling...and prayers are appreciated.

Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Long time...

2009-08-16T23:01:00.003-04:00

Lots to update!! So I was talking with my long time friend Jen and she informed me I was slacking in my writing. She is, of course, right. It has been a MONTH and what a while month its been!!!

So a lot of it I haven't written about b/c I needed to make it official first. The district had cut the nurses to 33hr/wk. something absolutely not do-able for us!! And they cut our insurance making it cost more out of pocket for us as well. So I'd been trying to figger out what to do. Well, about a month ago at the home health agency I was working for, I was offered a job. A REALLY good job! I am now the Clinical Supervisor for my agency! Its a 40 hr week job M-F with a nice pay increase! So as of this past Thursday, I resigned from the Health Care District. I am no longer a school nurse! It was and is hard to leave the kids, and my staff. I LOVED my staff. But it was definitely the right move! After all I went through with them, this is where I'm meant to be! It is truly a blessing for us!

Also this month we bought a car for me!! The Kia bit the dust, and we were able to finance a vehicle I could afford!!! (and literally 4 days later the job offer came! GO GOD with timing!) Its a candy apple red Toyota Rav4. Its GORGEOUS. See pics below! :)

Let's see what else. OH. Remember how Matt and I had written a letter to Apple, fighting back for his demotion b/c we felt it wasn't done fair? That was back in like, May or April I believe. I was on a rampage then! Fighting my district with legal help, fighting Matt's company for unfair demotion. Anyway, Matt had a meeting with them this past Tuesday. Well his HR guy found Matt's boss to be in the WRONG and at fault and re-instated Matt to FULL TIME with BENEFITS!!! HOORAY! So He is back to full time! I'm so happy for him!! Again, GOD IS GOOD!

SO that is all the good fun going on! Its been a crazy summer! Good for the most part. Full of blessings. I can not even TELL you the relief from all these blessings! Safe car, safe jobs, income coming in!

I've been in an IF funk for lack of a better term. But that is a post for another day. Now, I have to go to bed and sleep b/c tomorrow I go back to my new full time job!! Lots to catch up on for missing 3 days!! :)

Have a blessed day in the Lord! (OO car pics below)

Lots of thoughts in my brain...

2009-07-15T22:59:00.002-04:00

No real anything...

So bear with me...

Been a strange couple of days. I feel like I've been "fighting off" PI. Like fighting an infection. Just a tickle, an sniffle, a random thought here and there trying to bring me down the PI BLAHS...

Example, I was reading on FB yesterday, and one of my acquaintance friends (my bro's friend actually) is PG with #3...Now their first is 2 1/2, second JUST turned one, and this was an OOPSIE. She was online complaining about how "such a little thing can zap all the energy out of you. I just want my life back" type comment.

Now I seriously was ready to deck her over FB, and wanted to comment something along the lines of "I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat." "Must be nice to have that problem as I would give everything to be pregnant." You know, random "I'M TICKED" thoughts like that. Now I resisted (with Gods help) and its good that I did. B/c I drove to Wendy's to get a drink this AM, and who was in the car in front of me??? Said person and family....Can you imagine? I'da been mortified if I'd made a snide remark then see them in person the next day! I NEVER see them, very rarely....Phew, crisis averted...

So Mr. IF Monster is rearing his ugly head. I'm TRYING to not let it get to me, b/c nothing is finite. I don't know how my journey or story will end. I'M TRYING, but not doing so well. SIGH. I'm trying to walk the path before me and have God show me where this all leads.

So I'll share with you what I'm learning. We are doing this IF devotional (Matt and I) and we're just getting into it, but the devo from last night was on Psalm 40. Have you ever read that? Its amazing (to me anyway)....And I pray it holds truth for our IF along with the rest of our life's blessings....It keeps showing up in our IF life...Maybe God is trying to show me something. Here let me show it to you...

Psalm 40 (New Living Translation)

Psalm 40
For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

6 You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
7 Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
8 I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”

9 I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
10 I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

11 Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.

13 Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
14 May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
15 Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”

16 But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
17 As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.

Now for those who know me, know US, has god not shown us amazing blessings? Just rocked us with shocking WOW times, right??? Verse 5 just totally is a psalm of "us". I love this psalm, it may be one of my new life "verses"...I pray that verse 3 is that the miracle will happen and those who are around to see it, will know the ONLY WAY was that God stepped in and intervened...

Again I know I'm rambling. Lots of thoughts in my brain tonight. No real rhyme or reason. The last thing that totally captured me yesterday was a title note for this book/chapter of Psalms: DOING GOD'S WILL SOMETIMES MEANS WAITING PATIENTLY...

Yea don't know about you but that hit me square between the eyes. So my soon to be 6 year IF brain has been working on all of this. I'm trying to seek the joy and hope in the midst of the trial and heartache. Easier said then done.

I don't' know if I'll ever be a mom...And the idea that I won't, is heart breaking and more then I can handle at times. But I know that in the midst of this journey, I need to find and learn and grow as much as I possibly can...Because like that childhood song I used to sing, "God is not through with me yet". And thank God for the grace to fall down, screw up, and fail, and a God to pick me back up put me right again, and guide me to the next place.

Definitely an interesting week. Have a blessed day in the Lord...

Busy Crazy!!!

2009-07-02T21:40:00.007-04:00

So I've been a busy little beaver! EEK!!! Work has me running in a 1000 different directions, but the paycheck is very very nice! :) I'm really enjoying what I am doing, and that is just so nice!! I'm receiving high praise from them and they are working me to death because they have decided I'm a good nurse! YAY! I like making good impressions!

Matt is back to work as of this past Friday. The store re-opened and things seem to be going well. He is just as busy but glad to be doing something again! We didn't strangle each other while he was home, so that's a good thing. Quite frankly I had no time! I was working like crazy!

My work was nice enough to give me this last Sat-Tue off of work. I was able to hang with my H2 Girls (happy hour girls! hee hee) S and J. We went to Astor (Small town outside of Daytona) with some girlfriends. We stayed in a house on S's parents property. It was so calm and relaxing! They have tons of wildlife, 'coons, squirrels, wild turkey, deer, cranes, and even BEAR!!! The deer come up to their back yard and eat every night, it is amazing!!! We went out on the water and took pictures of turtles. I got some great pictures. We relaxed and enjoyed the time away, even spent a day in St. Augustine, and toured Ponce Inlet Lighthouse. S's sis in law L joined us for part of our trip! I could have stayed another 10 days without any problem, but alas, I have bills to pay and a job was waiting for me!!! It was a blast. I'm so grateful for the time away! So below I'll share some pictures.

So we are having a BBQ at mom's house for the 4th, and we plan on setting of some very nice fireworks that we bought in South Carolina on our way home from vacation. We have family and friends coming and I'm so looking forward to it! I have to work, but I'll be off in plenty of time! No big deal!!!

OK well gotta go to bed, have a crazy day of admissions tomorrow (and crazy patients based on the conversations I've already had with them! EEK) Hope everyone is well and ENJOY celebrating the birth of our Nation! Happy 4th of July!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Us on top of the fort in St Augustine (S, J, and me)

All four of us...

Me snugglin' with the sheriff!! LOL

Us with the guards of the fort...

Deer running away in the backyard...I was watching this from my bedroom window!

Cranes. These guys are LOUD and obnoxious!

More Deer.

On the boat...J and Me

Ponce Inlet Lighthouse

I love these pics of the Lighthouse. They are very cool, if I do say so myself.

J and me in front of the lighthouse sign

Ley Sigh...

2009-06-12T21:47:00.002-04:00

So...the IF monster strikes again...

You know, I'm so tired of being the "last one", being asked "why don't you have kids", feeling my heart break over and over again because another announcement, and its not mine...And I hate when its unexpected, and knocks me over without me being aware its coming.

I was having a perfectly good evening. Matt and I met up with a friend of ours, D, who is in town from Tampa. We haven't seen her in a year (which would be this year of CHAOS) and it was just awesome to get together! We laughed so hard we teared up, we ate good food, just enjoyed fellowship. I came home in such a good mood, laughing and joking with Matt, just enjoying our evening. Then WHAM...IF hits me right between the eyes...

I was on facebook (yes I'm a facebook girl) and I see a post. "The three of us are on our way to blah blah, well 3 1/2 of us." Totally caught me off guard. A friend (and she is the daughter in law of another friend) are pregnant with their 2nd. Their 1st is not even 2. I hadn't heard it through the "yee haw someone is pregnant" grapevine yet, so it totally caught me off guard. I'm usually good at "sensing" when someone is going to tell me that either they are pg or someone I know is pg... But I wasn't warned b/c this person wasn't talking to me directly. It was a blanket FB statement to the world.

I called my mom to inform her of this lovely new miracle, that someone else is getting again and she already knew. You could hear it in her voice that she just hadn't gotten to me in time to warn me, and regretted that I found out before said warning could be placed. I hate that I need to be warned. But that's of my own wishes, b/c I hate being hit between the eyes even more. And I could hear that I should just be happy about it...And you know, I probably should, but I'm not...

I try not to have it affect me, try to be happy and joyful, even commented on her FB "congrats"...But it hurts so so so very much. I want to be the one making the announcement. I want to be the one jumping up and down for joy b/c WE are pg. But alas, as we come into our SIXTH (yes sixth) year of lack of fertility, of desiring our child and trying for that child, I'm reminded again of what we don't have. What we yearn for so much, yet don't have, and as time goes on, may never have. I'm running out of time physically, and I just see my dream slipping far far away...

I walk around pretending that I'm just fine and dandy, that its OK that I'm childless, infertile, NOT someones mom...That I can handle it, that I'm OK with it, that it is whatever God has meant for us. Yea that is a big fat freaking lie. I'm NOT OK with this, I'm NOT OK that we are again being left in the dust. Gosh I have friends that are on their 3rd and 4th. Their FIRSTS are in Kg, 1st grade and some even older. And the older I get, the less our chances will be, the more it slips away, the more I lose this dream.

I don't want to lose my dream. I want to throw a damn tantrum and just beg God for the child I long for. Why God? Why us? Why me? or rather, why NOT us? why NOT me? And I feel like there isn't a sole in the world who understands. They try, they give me pity, and sympathy, and that sad pathetic look of "oh poor you". But they just DON'T GET IT!. IF hurts SO much...I pretend on a daily basis, and the truth is I hurt, all the time. I yearn, I ache, I desire OUR child, and every month, every cycle, every day, my arms come up empty and my heart, shattered beyond recognition.

I want to be a mom, I want a baby, and I just don't understand why God denies us this desire...And I was having such a good evening...And now I sit her alone, in broken silence, feeling isolated, surrounded by nothing but a sea of grief and heartbreak. Its just not fair....so unfair... :*(

Wow. I've been gone for a bit...

2009-06-04T11:26:00.002-04:00

Sorry my faithful readers!! (HA)

It has just been absolutely nuts. End of the year always is!!! But I can actually say: SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!! WOOT WOOT!!

School got out yesterday. I've got 2 more days, I'm finished at noon tomorrow. Then I'm DONE for two months!! Course I start my summer job next week! I was hired to a home health agency. I've already oriented and been set up with my handheld charting system. Its AMAZING!!! And my good friend Jan is the director of nursing, which always helps! Its such a nice environment and I'm looking forward to working with them. And there is potential for them to be bringing on peds, and potential for a full time position hopefully in the future.

Physically I'm doing much better. I went to the MD this week and things look good, but I had him play with my thyroid meds a bit, I'm going to have a sleep study done (B/c apnea is so prevalent in my family and quite frankly I forget to breathe when I'm AWAKE!)...They are gonna have a show!! I am such a horrible sleep walker/talker, which I have been told is not normal! So we shall see...I also bought a bike!! First night I did about a mile and a half! I'm very proud. I hate walking, so I figured, let me do what I love, and I love to bike!!! My tush was sore the next day, but I will still push through! I'm determined to stay in shape and keep the weight off I lost b/c of faulty Gall bladders. Course the other issue is I can EAT now!! Finally!! And that means I want to, which means I'm easily gonna gain, which I do not want to do. So we'll see! ☺

Matt is off til the 25th of June b/c the store is being remodeled. So he is home driving me crazy, but trying to be helpful. Its a nice break for him, and I'll be less busy with new job, so we can spend some time together! We're hoping for a getaway or two this summer, just a little break from reality! But we'll see with the finances...

OK back to finishing my work, so I can go HOME HOME HOME! Hope everyone is well!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!! ♥

OK I'm calmer now...

2009-05-17T00:06:00.002-04:00

So I know I went a bit postal on my last post, but hey, it is my hope that through tall this I can help to educate and hopefully help some person GET this journey we are on!!! The only way to do that sometimes is to lay it all on the table! The truth hurts, and the situation hurts, but there is times when it is OK to just be bleh.

And like I thought, I was OK on Monday and feeling better this week. Sunday was just a hard day for me. I enjoyed hiding under my rock, ate some yummy chocolate, cried at Lifetime movies, and over all was A-OK the next day. And in fact I took my mommy out today and she and I had lunch then went shopping! We had a wonderful day! She is such a blessing in my life!

I've had a very crazy productive week. Its amazing how much better I am feeling physcially! I haven't felt this good in I can't even tell you how long! I have more energy, I sleep less, I feel better, I'm down a total of just about 20lbs and I JUST FEEL GOOD! I was looking at a goofy picture that I took with our computer and I'm dirty and gross and shiny b/c of being, well, gross and hot from outside. But my face, my eyes, I look so much better! I can see it, my husband sees it, my family, shoot even my students can see it! crazy...

Its nuts b/c I think my body is even trying to expel all the nasties in it. For example (and those on Facebook would have seen this): my foot started hurting last weekend. It was sore to walk on and by Monday after work it HURT. So being the good little nurse, I went investigating. Found a huge pustule on the bottom under the ring toe. So I milked it and all this nasty pus came out, and that sucker HURT. Kept milking it, trying to get the gross out so I could get better and low and behold a 1 1/2 in straight pin came flying out!! I am not lying! 4 years ago, yes YEARS, I stepped on a straight pin that came from a Christmas ball that joy had eaten in our room. My foot had gotten all infected and stuff, took antibiotics, and then all was fine. Didn't know the pin was IN there. Outside of some tenderness to the area, it felt fine these last 4 years!!! I am still in shock that it came out!! Or that it was in there for so long! Good golly...But my foot feels great now! Guess my body is tired of feeling bad and is getting rid of everything ICKY.

Let's see. Its been a crazy week of $$ issues, both cars broke down, the computer needed replacing, my car needed tires, not to mention the regular bills and food shopping. But we've gotten everything to where it needs to be, and I'm just thanking God for the resources to pay for stuff. All though my checkbook is very very tired from expelling so much money!! BLEH

I am very random tonight. Let's see 12 more days of school! Praise God almighty! I'm so ready for this year to be over. Its been one thing after the other not to mention all the work drama since February. I am working on "fixing" that situation, but I can not post anymore then that b/c this is a public site. Just continue to keep us in your prayers as we work through the drama.

OK Matt is yelling he wants to go to bed and I'm keeping him up. So on this very random note of a post, I'm off to bed. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

ARGH!!!!

2009-05-09T18:00:00.002-04:00

You know, I've been SO busy with life and health and work and all that I have not really had time to think about our IF and how frustrating it is coming in to our 6th year of trying to have a child. But of course, Mother's day is tomorrow and the frustration level in me is about through the roof!

I'm trying to be patient and understanding to those who are naive, or ignorant to our situation. Trying to educate along the way, and forgive for unintentional situations that may occur. But I'm losing patience. ARGH.

Example: The other day my friend innocently sent me a link to something infant/toddler related. Very innocent, by no means trying to hurt my feelings. She would NEVER EVER do that. So I commented back that you know, really? You needed to send me this particular link? She responded very apologetic and I took the opportunity to educate her on IF "ethics" for lack of a better term. That to send me a link for this is like poking the proverbial bruise. It stings the heart to see something so very much not a part of my life, and it hurts, however silly that may seem. So she apologized and I of course have no issue, and in fact thought, "Score one for the IF team, I got my point across!".

But alas, the comment was not left at that, she responded with a "I wish you wouldn't think about it and just be happy." Um yea me too. But unfortunately this is not something you can hide from (however hard we may try). Reminders and "bruise poking" are all around. And unless I stuff myself into a trunk and stay there for the rest of my life, I will always be surrounded by reminders. I can't NOT think about it. Have you ever looked around and seen how vast the sea of preggie bellies and babies extends? Its amazing! And heartbreaking. Do I let it take my joy, my happiness? Certainly not, but does it hurt? HELL YEA!! It hurts like crazy!!! And I just learn to live through the pain and heartache, and hope I make it to the next day.

See with Mother's Day being tomorrow, I'm reminded 10x more of what I'm missing. I'm frustrated and irritable and HURTING inside and the stinkin' "just get over it" or "do this this and this and you'll feel better" crap is just not cutting it! I can't seem to get it through people's thick skulls...

INFERTILITY SUCKS! AND IT HURTS!!!

Showering my mother with gifts and attention, going to church and rubbing my open wounds in babies and celebrations of "the mother", or pretending everything is fine when it ISN'T will NOT FIX MY PAIN! In fact it will probably worsen it and have a longer lasting affect. There is no quick fix, no cure for the pain that comes from IF, people!! Don't tell someone that just ignoring the giant polka dotted elephant in the room will make you FEEL BETTER. It WON'T!!!

I'm grateful and blessed that I have a mom AND a mom in law that are sensitive to my hurting heart and how difficult this time of year is for me. And the fact that it worsens every year that my arms are empty...sigh.

SO tomorrow, I am staying home from church, we have already given cards to our mom's, and I plan on hiding under a rock with a big box of chocolate. And you know what? As disturbed as that may sound to the non IFer, or to someone with arms full of squirmy adorable babies, it is OK. I am allowed to take a day and hide under a rock, and just b/c I do, doesn't mean that I'm nuts or not OK. I will be fine, on Monday...

Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Man I can not shut off my brain...

2009-04-22T02:19:00.002-04:00

So its 0219 in the freaking morning. I've had no issue sleeping since surgery but tonight I can not shut off my brain. I'm not working tomorrow (or at all yet) so its not a big deal. Just annoying b/c I'm tired and would like to sleep...This will be long. GET A SNACK AND GO POTTY. :)

So recap:

Surgery went well, all tho it was some of the most horrific post op recovery pain I've ever felt. I have an allergy to general anesthesia (Malignant hyperthermia for you nurse folk), so they put me under with IV sedation, b/c of that I feel EVERYTHING immediately upon waking up. It took about 3 1/2 hrs to get the pain under control. it was bad...I just remember crying out to Jesus, to please take the pain away.

I stayed until late the next day, they got the pain under control...I'm better, but sure as heck not 100%... maybe 60%? or 50%...but I've been running half mast for so long, 60% could be improvement! HA. I went for post op today and surgeon states I'm doing well. Having some "dumping syndrome" issues from too much bile and now no regulating gall bladder, but I have meds for it if it does not stop or slow by the weekend. He said I could go back on light duty as of tomorrow, no heavy lifting/excessive standing, but otherwise I'm good to go. Listen to my body don't over do it. You know common sense stuff that doesn't really apply in my job anyway.

Well, this morning my HR person from work who is not the one I've been dealing with, called and told me I have to go clear across to the other side of town and meet at the main district after my appt to speak with the "big wig" and get my "papers in order" before returning to work. Now they are a devious bunch of hooligans, and I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. I freaked out and called dad who drove me JUST IN CASE I was to angry to drive home from down town west palm beach.

Well my instincts were right, turns out they wanted to talk with me about my probation and its extension (another very long story but totally retarded over 10 min of time) and that I'm on probation clear in to Oct (um NEXT school year) now and that if I look wrong they can and will fire me. Long story short(ish) this TWO HOUR UNPAID meeting was nothing more then me having to defend my good name. And I did too! Respectfully but with the force needed. AND to top it all off, they decided TODAY they no longer accept light duty that I can't come back to work until cleared at 100%. Um MD wrote for May 9th as my 100% clear date. EEK. So now I have to go bug him and see if he can bump it up to like next week. Because I decided that I will take this week to put in resumes and get a new permanent job, b/c after 4 1/2 years of employment, the time has come, *big gulp*, to resign from the Health Care District.

I was going to wait until summer and hold on to insurance, but if I am "fired" for blowing my nose wrong, they can make me ineligible for rehire and that is a nasty little scarlet letter on your record and makes it VERY difficult to find a job. I'm not to keen on my per diem job (very disorganized and chaotic, not a great environment) so I'm looking into some other options. It looks like I'll be headed back to the hospital, all tho another potential popped up this evening. I really don't know yet what is coming down the road.

God has thrown a huge neon sign saying "TIME TO QUIT NOW" in front of me, but I'm terrified of jumping off the cliff with nothing protecting our insurance and livelihood. I'm scared half to freaking death and I am so unsure of what the future holds. One of my online buds wrote to me: "God's will does not take us anywhere His grace can not cover". Which is SOOO true! And soothing words to my weary soul. But I'm battling the fear of the unknown. I've had this Steven Curtis Chapman song flowing around in my head tonight (part of why I can't sleep)...The chorus goes:

My heart is racing and my knees are weak
As I walk to the edge
I know there is not turning back
Once my feet have left the ledge
And in the rush I hear a voice
That’s telling me it’s time
to take the leap of faith
So here I go!

I’m diving in, I’m going deep
in over my head, I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow,
in over my head, I want to go
The river’s deep, the river’s wide,
the river’s water is alive
So sink or swim, I’m diving in

Maybe its a sign? DIVE IN TALLEY! So um, yea I'M SCARED! I want the faith to be able to just dive in and be taken by the flood. But I'm so afraid of drowning and taking Matt down with me, ya know? Its just a weird place to be. A terrifying and new place to be. I'm used to comfort and peace and safety in the place God has put me, and yet here I am, getting ready to dive off to, well, who knows where!! But I know and have 100% peace that I am to quit, scuse me, resign from school health. And that too is bittersweet. I love my school, kids, staff, and I love what I do. I'm good at it. But I can not allow a company to tarnish my reputation and good name that I've worked SO hard at creating and maintaining. Its not worth it. SIGH SIGH SIGH...

SO my dear friends and family I'm in desperate need of prayer. Supernatural overflowing prayer. For direction, for job security, for peace from this fear. Cuz it seems God has new plans for us and well, sink or swim folks...I'm DIVING IN!!!

EEK!

So I see SOO many people are reading...

2009-04-11T21:45:00.002-04:00

NOT.

OK I know I've been slacking, but life is busy! I still don't have time to post pics (all tho you can see them on facebook if you are my "friend)...

Newest piece of news, I go in for surgery Monday morning at 7am at JFK hospital. BYE BYE Gall bladder. I'm ready I'm tired of feeling like CRAP. Daddy is taking me and will be sitting with me all day. How sweet! I'll be staying overnight ,and out of work a week.

I worked at 13 hr shift today for my agency to kind of make up for some of the lost wages, but between surgery and spring break, I'm gonna be out 2 weeks of pay. Prayers would be GREATLY appreciated. For those who read. :(

Work sucks right now as well, and I'm seriously debating whether or not to throw in the towel after the year is over. I'm tired of being under constant harassment. I work while walking on egg shells balancing 60million glass plates on my head, and it is never good enough. Things OUT OF MY CONTROL are causing me to be penalized. (i.e. traffic lights being out causing a 1 hr and 15 min commute to work making me 15 min late after 60 days of PERFECT attendance, being at work beyond early, and functioning in an almost unfuctionable state)

Whatever, it will be there loss, and my sadness. sigh. Please pray. I feel God is probably leading me away from this job, but I don't know what is bigger and better out there!

OK enough of this, I'm wiped out and tomorrow is Easter! Praise to our Lord for giving his life for us and our salvation!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

We are home!

2009-04-07T23:45:00.002-04:00

Have been since Sunday. Sorry too much going on to post updates!! I've got a ton of pictures, all on face book but I'll be happy to post them here too, just haven't had the time. Vacation was nice and I'm so glad we went. We had fun in Stone Mtn and adored seeing my cuz Rita in Gainesville along with Matt's sister Liz.

So work for both is status quo. But the interesting piece of news, I'm having surgery to remove my gall bladder on Monday the 13th. I like the surgeon, he is very sweet spirited and compassionate, and was very good at explaining stuff in laymen terms even tho I understand it in medical terms. Means he's not so full of himself to spew big words at people. It will be laproscopic (My poor invaded belly button) and hopefully outpatient but at worst just an over night stay. I'll probably take most of next week off, since I'm on leave and they can't go after me anyway! HA!

He told me more detail about my scans. He said it is very unusual to have GB disease and not have GB stones. But my u/s was normal, no stones, no inflammation. But when they did the HIDA scan and injected me with the med that causes GB contraction and emptying, my GB just sat there and did NOTHING! He said it is completely diseased and not working AT ALL...He said I'm in like a 10% that has disease and no stones. Lucky me I get to be ODD again! OIY... But it has to come out ASAP...

So we are scheduled! I really am feeling quite icky, and hate having to wait another week. I'm in constant pain with other um, unpleasant issues... Please keep me in prayers, I'd appreciate it! OK well that is it!!! I'm OFF TO BED now! I promise pictures soon, maybe while I'm recovering... Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Hangin' out in North Carolina.

2009-03-29T20:23:00.002-04:00

****baby mentioned***

So I'm sitting here blogging in Mint Hill, NC. I'm at my aunt Patti and Uncle Shaun's house enjoying the beautiful scenery, cool weather, and just visiting w/my family. Its been way to long since I've seen them! My cousins have come, well so far 2 of the three. My cuz Krista has been here and also Phil and his wife Chelsie stopped by to say hi and with them their new born little boy Logan. I've totally enjoyed getting tons of baby fixes and time! He is a beautiful little boy.

We went to SC (we are right on the border) and visited a good friend of mine I hadn't seen for a while. We went to her church and then out for a fabulous lunch. We had a really good time. I've missed her a bunch!

We came back and got some more lovin's on the baby and are just enjoying relaxing! We will be here until Tuesday and then off to GA to Stone Mountain Park.

On another note, my girlfriend S, has been in the process of adopting! Her birth mom went into labor today and gave birth to a 5 lb 12 oz baby girl. They are doing well but the baby was early and having some difficulties w/her being so small. She is asking that everyone pray for her and the recovery of the birth mom, and for the transfer in parental rights, that they go smoothly. This is an amazing selfless act by these parents to give up their child for the empty arms of another. Please keep them in your prayers.

OK off to watch a movie and my battery is dying!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

I know I know...

2009-03-22T22:12:00.004-04:00

I'm a bad blogger. But lemme tell you it has been uber nuts lately!!!! I can't even tell you!!!

Just wanted to touch basis and say hi! Lets see in a nutshell:
~I'm still in pain, go for a HIDA scan of my gall bladder on Thursday
~I'm still a school nurse, things have quieted down
~I started my new job on a per diem basis and worked a job today, which is a story in itself.
~I have Jury Duty tomorrow
~We leave for vacation on Saturday, going to NC to see fam, Stone Mtn Park GA to visit the big fat boulder in the middle of Atlanta, then to Gainesville to visit more fam.
~Matt is still wok ring and still at 30 hours a week, so that is OK
~IF still sucks and its been a rough couple of weeks with PG announcements, forced baby showers, and adorable 4 month old at work today
~Life continues to be busy as always!!!!!

SO that is it. Nothing new, just busy as always! I hope everyone is well, and I hope to update on life more. I will definitely be posting pics of vacation and such!!! Have a great one and a blessed day in the Lord!

P.S.
The blog background has changed b/c a certain wheeled someone decided flowers were gay on HIS blog. So he got sparkles instead! But it IS Matt approved!

I know its been a while...

2009-03-01T21:20:00.002-05:00

But life has been nuts as always...

It seems since Buster died, we've had none stop crisis, issue, annoyance in our life. My job is on shaky ground. Long story short, I'm on probation b/c of computer issues, some absences (I puked, they sent me home, I am in trouble) and some personal emails. Basically they are cracking down at work and WITHOUT WARNING I was the subject of a "point" they are making. Literally. I'm on probation and just this passed Thursday they warned everyone else that they were getting hard-assed about everything. Alas I was not warned, but on probation. Whatever. So in the last two weeks I went job hunting. AND I was hired at a company! YAY. I spent several days getting my license in order, CEU's, CPR, and MD/TB screen visits completed. For now it will be a per diem, summer, breaks from school type job, but if I lose my current job, I can go to full time. Its a fall back plan that I'm very grateful for. Benefits are "eh" so I'd rather stay where I'm at and just use it for the per diem. I'm hoping and praying that God has a plan and will keep us from being a sinking ship. Why this challenge in our life right now, I have no idea.

Along with that I've been undergoing butt loads of medical testing. LITERALLY. My last "absence" was from some gross projectile vomiting and diarrhea, the 3rd time in 6 weeks. I ended up at a GI doc who has been running me through every GI medical test known to man. I have had ultrasounds, colonoscopy, endoscopy, stool cultures, CT scan, bloodwork, and biopsies in the last 2 weeks. And unfortunately, everything is negative. I say unfortunately b/c I'm in pain, all the time, in my upper tummy. Every time I eat, my tum hurts. They've ruled out everything in the upper tummy, lower intestines, and genetic/allergy wise. But next they are looking at my small bowel. Another test to be run this week. B/c I'm missing time for the tests, my work is cranky. SO, I applied for FMLA (Family medical leave) that I've been on for the entire freaking school year b/c of Matt's and my illnesses. HOPEFULLY I will qualify b/c I'm not quite meeting the criteria, but we'll see. Basically it will protect my probationed butt at work. The papers were sent in on Thursday to the MD, please pray all goes well. That, and that they find out what is wrong. Pain sucks.

Lets see, more depressing news. Matt was demoted at work. Not b/c he is doing a bad job, b/c the day they sent him his demotion letter, he was told how FABULOUS the dept is going. We've been seeing this come for a long time. He now is back to a part time specialist, no longer running the dept. They cut him to 20 hrs a week and knocked his pay down. He is devastated and hurt and angry as anything. Again we are hoping that God has a reason for all of this. So now he is playing the job hunt game. Pray that something comes of this, that he finds what God wants him to do with his life. He is FRIED on computers and technology and retail. Maybe this will be a journey down a new road. Thankfully my new job will help to balance the loss of hours for him. And to maintain my per diem, I only have to work 1-2 shifts a month. Not bad!

Um, yea that's it. Sorry depressing and annoying this time. We are missing our boy and since he passed, well its been a fun filled 3 weeks, lemme tell you. OH and not only all the fun, Matt and I BOTH got called for jury duty!! EEK. He served last week and I'm serving on the 23rd. Hopefully it doesn't interfere with our long over do vacation we are planning to take for Spring Break. We are headed to NC to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousins. OH and a piece of good news. Three of my fabulous teachers at my school have nominated me for the Palm Healthcare Nurse of the year award! Its is an HONOR and much needed medicine for my soul. I have a cool reception thing coming up in a week or two then a big fancy shmancy formal dinner in May during nurses week. Should be fun!

So that's all. We are as always in desperate need of prayer. We are overwhelmed with all that is going on, and just barely holding on to make it through. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I promise to be cheerier in our next little blog post! We pray that you are all doing well, and we hope to hear from all of you! Have a blessed day in the Lord.

We had to say goodbye...

2009-02-08T22:25:00.004-05:00

On Friday, February 6, 2009, at 8 in the evening, our sweet furbaby, Buster, went to our Lord. He has been slowly declining over the last few months and with that he was blind in one eye and had lost his "street smarts". He followed Matt down the street and inadvertently stepped out in front of a car when trying to cross to see Matt. He died on impact with Matt watching.

Some sweet neighborhood children helped get Buster into a basket and Matt carried him home. We brought him to the ER vet where they cleaned him up and allowed us to be with him, pet him, and say our last good byes.

We are utterly devastated at the loss of our furbaby, and our hearts are broken. He was our first little one and will always hold a special place in our hearts. Matt, his family, and me and my family were very honored to have this furry bundle of love for 14 years. But that does not ease the pain of his loss. We will miss him terribly, and will always have a special place in our hearts reserved for him. I know I need to change the titles and stuff of the blog, but I'm just not ready to let him go. I know that time will heal, and to some he would be "just a cat", but to us, a member of our family is gone. One of our babies. And we will grieve his passing. Keep us in your prayers as we adjust to life without him.

We love you sweet Buster. You will be missed. :*(

Interesting bible study...

2009-02-04T08:51:00.002-05:00

So our bible study, or "huddle" as we call it, has decided to go a new route in our studying of God's word. We are doing little devotions and unplanned studies each week, with a new person giving there little devo or blessing from God's word. Last week Matt and I shared our struggle (and the previous blog post) of how God is working in our lives, through the heartache and struggle, and the little life savers He is dropping for us to get us through the storm. ANYWAY, it was a very nice evening of us being able to open up and pour out our hearts and have our friends comfort and hold us and encourage us through. It was wonderful, and actually lifted my spirit to want to go to church over the weekend and fellowship. Great!

So last night we went back to huddle and it was my dad (my parents are the hosts of this huddle) decided to give his little devo/verses that had been touching his heart this week. See dad has unfortunately had a LOT of time on his hands now that he isn't working and he is using some of that time to dive into God's word. Using the WORD as a life saver to help HIM through their storms. Well he started last night with what God had given him last Wednesday after our previous huddle. He said it was a tidbit that God is giving to Matt and I, through him. So here you go,

Psalm 20

1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.
3 May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.
4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
5 We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand.
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.
9 O LORD, save the king! Answer us when we call!

Now. I don't know bout you guys, but I got chills from head to toe when he read it. Talk about a pick me up and a "hold on it will be OK!" type moment. And like my dad said, "how we will shout for joy when we are victorious!!" I love when God sends chills up my spine!! It was just a very unique and special blessing and I wanted to share it with you all!

On a different note, please keep us both in your prayers. Matt's job is hanging by a thread (they are trying to push him out) and tomorrow (Thursday) we find out what their "suggestion" for Matt will be. Basically go back to part time our your out. Matt is doing everything he can to hang on and not quit. Please keep him in your prayers. As for me, I'm having more GI nasties going on. I saw a specialist and I will be having tons of tests including a colonoscopy/endoscopy next Wednesday. They are thinking Gall bladder or Colitis, neither which I want to deal with, but I'll be happy to not have GI grossness anymore. So your continued prayers are GREATLY appreciated. Thanks everyone! Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Updates and life

2009-01-24T21:43:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone! I love seeing I have new "followers". So very cool! I feel special. I just got back from the South FL fair with my hubs and our friends. I'm fried to a crisp inside and out!! I ate all kinds of stuff that is just not good for you by any means, but man, it was SOOOOOO good... I also walked about 100 miles, so its all good. Definitely a one time a year eating ritual. Otherwise I'd be bigger then a house!

So this past week has pretty much sucked. Not much else to say about it. Some of this will be probably TMI, but you know, my blog my writing, my TMI to share!! We were just coming to the end of our first month trying to conceive (TTC) since I had surgery. I was incredibly hopeful and in my silly little brain ACTUALLY THOUGHT I might end up PG. Nice cleaned out insides, ovulated on cue, and Matt on supplements to enhance the "guys". What a thought, to get PG on our own without spending hundreds of thousands of dollars. UGH. But alas, my period started on Sunday. I even wasted a PG test, something I haven't done for a very long time. I guess I did OK on Sunday, just accepted it and figured, there will be next time. Then Monday came.

I worked all weekend on Punkie's video. My MIL asked me if I could do a memorial for him and I had been sorting through pictures and verses and music for the video, so it could be just perfect for the memorial. I guess the drop in hormones, along with losing our beloved Punkie PLUS my period starting = a really REALLY bad temper tantrum. I truly have not had a break down like this in a long while when it comes to us TTC and our desire for a child. But man I wept and sobbed and cussed and screamed and yelled at God and just lost it. (I was home by the way for MLK day, Matt was at work) I cried till I couldn't cry any more, then I rested, and started all over again. All the years of heartache and sorrow came out in one fell swoop. I guess I tend to hold it in or pretend its not there, but um, I failed miserably this time. I actually had "HOPE" this cycle, and because of being full of hope and holding the expectation so high, the fall is much farther, much harder then a cycle without hope.

I talked with Matt and my mom when they came home, just screamed at God, "WHY!!!". I was, and probably still am, angry at this situation we are in. Its so very difficult to have this overwhelming desire and internal yearning that over powers you. This desire that has been there since childhood, since before childhood. Its instilled in my very being. And then to not understand why God placed it there, just to leave it void and unfulfilled. What kind of God could allow that to happen to His child? HIS daughter. Right? I have no answers to these tough questions. Even now when my "listening ears" are back in place to hear what God has to say. But God showed me this week that he is still here, and listening, and holding me. Even if I don't get the answers I'm seeking.

Later on in the week was Punkie's funeral. Thursday was cold but an absolutely beautiful day. The Navy presented a flag and a bagpipe player played in the background. A priest from Punkie's church came and performed the service. You know the typical Catholic service, with the set up binder (not a bible) with the laid out prayers and verses, certain things that are read specifically for a funeral. It flowed beautifully and he spoke well of Punkie. Then the priest put the binder down, and picked up a bible. Now I'm not Catholic, but very rarely have I seen them use an actual bible to preach or to give rights or funeral service. They speak from the bible, but without it actually in their hands. Make sense? Anyway he picked up a bible and informed us that Mum wanted a specific Psalm read at the service. So he began to read from Psalm 91:

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

Now only my mom, Matt and I knew what I had used in the video. And without having talked to my MIL or even discussing wording being used, I had placed the same end of Psalms 91 in Punkie's memorial video. As we say in the MacIntosh house, "THAT'S A GOD THING!"

In the midst of my sorrow, heartache, trials and tribulations, God showed His hand. In such a small and unique way, that some may even chock up to a "coincidence". But I know that a coincidence is just God remaining anonymous. Clear as day I could see God's hand, guiding me, guiding the situation, even guiding our fertility. Does that change the hurt? NO. Does it make the yearning any less achey, or my heart and arms any less heavy? NO. But do I feel less ignored, less alone in this journey. Most definitely.

IF is hard and painful and frustrating. This has been such a difficult journey and I'm not sure what the outcome will be in the end. It is possible that one day I will have to grieve the loss of this dream and give up my journey to parenthood. Its gonna suck if I have to, and God is gonna have to do a lot of healing and holding of my heart. God has only promised me this:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

But He does NOT promise that my future is a "child". That I will prosper in pregnancy or adoption. But he DOES promise me hope and a life abundant. And he does promise to answer my prayers, even if the answer is NO. Today, I'm OK. Tomorrow, I might be falling apart at the seams again. I'm grateful that my God is one of forgiveness and grace, to pick me back up, dust off my pride, and allow me to try again. Even though my "hopes" were dashed and crushed this week, God promises me more hope, renewed hope, to bring in a new day.

Please continue to pray for us. Don't forget us and our journey, our HOPES. My heart's greatest desire is to be a momma of this little boy and girl that are named and in my heart. Know that I'm OK, even in the melt downs, and how much your love, prayers, hugs, and friendship means to me.

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Next Thursday

2009-01-14T13:51:00.002-05:00

Will be Punkie's funeral. One of Matt's bros, J, will be able to come down. Its undecided if C will be coming. My parents are going as well. I hate the finality of all of it. But I suppose it is the way of life. I think Matt's mom is doing OK, just overwhelmed with everything. We're trying to help however we can. We're doing airport duty, so we'll pick up folks and bring them to mum's. Its just a graveside memorial at the local cemetery where Grandmother is buried also. His obit is in the Palm beach Post if you are looking for it. His name was Leonard Turner.

I'm dragging today too. Dunno why. I feel OK, just very worn out, like I haven't slept in days! I think I'm going to go home and crash tonight. Just get a good night sleep. I'm currently inhaling a diet coke trying to wake my butt up. Not sure why I'm so sleepy. But this too shall pass.

Matt's work had been a little iffy, and prayers for his job would be appreciated. He has a new manager over him now and they seem to be working well together. Hopefully he will still be employed in 3 weeks when they re-evaluate his position. Nerve wracking, but God is in control. I have to believe it! Even if it means repeating it over and over!! :)

OK well it is time to dismiss the kids, so I must go. Just saying HI and touching base. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Thoughts and memories...

2009-01-11T19:52:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here bouncing thoughts back and forth in my head. Please know that when I start to think, it tends to get long!!!

I remember when Matt and I were dating, and I went to his mom's house for the first time. I was TERRIFIED! I was meeting not only Matt's mom, step dad and sister, but also his grandparents. Lorraine and Leonard. I was so scared. Gosh meeting the "folks" is a big thing, meeting the "family"?? EVEN BIGGER! I remember I had gotten out of meeting them for one excuse or another, but the day had arrived, and we were on our way...

I shook the whole time. We sat down and chatted about nursing school and growing up in south Florida. We talked about my high school b/c Matt's sister would be going there soon. Idle chit chat, getting to know you stuff. We went out on the patio to eat. I sat across from Matt's gparents. Punkie and Grandmother. Lorraine was this elegant, beautiful woman, full of charm and class. Very much like Matt's mom. Can definitely tell they are from the same stock. Leonard was handsome and relaxed and quiet. I remember that, while we were eating, Punkie had gotten some food on his face. Grandmother was prodding at him, telling him to wipe his face, he has food all over it. And in his nice and relaxed state he turned to her and said, "I will NOT wipe my face, I am SAVING that for LATER!". I remember laughing, don't remember if it was on the inside or the outside, but just laughing at this adorable couple, and looking at my then boyfriend, wondering if we'd be like them. One thing was for certain, Leonard and Lorraine were still very much in love after all their years of marriage.

Fast forward a few months. Matt and I got engaged!! :) The first people we called were Matt's grandparents. Grandmother was through the roof excited for us, crying tears of joy at our announcement!! I don't think anyone's reaction topped hers to our fantastic news. I think she even went with Matt and Matt's mom to help pick out my ring!! A true family engagement!! Sadly Matt's Gma passed away unexpectedly, just a few short months from our wedding. Though she wasn't there in person, you just knew that God had given her a "window" from heaven that day. We honored her memory at our wedding. Though I didn't get to know her for very long, she was a blessing in my life.

I did however get to know Matt's Gpa very well. He has always been an intricate part of our lives since our wedding day. He just seems to always be there, quietly in the background, relaxing as usual. Matt and I would go out to dinner with him, especially if Matt's folks were out of town. Always OUT to dinner and almost always to Chinese food!! He refused to let us pay, and always talked about his Red Sox...We enjoyed his company, and I think he enjoyed ours.

Punkie passed safely in to the arms of Jesus today. He has been reunited with his precious wife, and was greeted by the Son of God today. He's been sick for a while and we knew the inevitable was coming, but somehow that doesn't ease the pain and shock of the actual loss. Matt's mom said it was very peaceful and w/o much suffering. I can only praise and thank God for that. I know all to well about how it could have gone. He was able to see his children just shortly before his passing. A blessing for them, I'm sure. And then he just simply fell asleep, and awoke in eternity.

Matt and I are both still in a state of shock. Some tears have fallen and some of those hard questions have been asked. But ultimately reality has not completely kicked in yet. I told my online buddies about our families' loss, and one of my dear friends made the comment that we have already dealt with SO much this year, to the point where SHE was getting ticked at God. But that she was asking God to give us peace.

But this is whats funny. In all the things that Matt and I have gone through as a family this year, all the triumph and tragedy, health and sickness, blessings and financial fear, I haven't really had time to deal or think about the "SO MUCH" that we have had this year. Don't get me wrong, I've had days I'm so entirely overwhelmed, frustrated to the max, and just literally exhausted. But overall I've been taking things in stride. Holding on to the promises of God, and praying us through it. I don't know if its b/c I haven't had time, or if I'm truly trusting in God to make everything OK.

I don't know why God allows so much to happen with us. It does seem like Matt and I are in a perpetual state of crisis or crazy, but through it I KNOW that God's hand has been in it. You all have witnessed it first hand, in the blessings and miracles that have occurred in our life. The bible says:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

I guess what I'm getting from our life, in the midst of the trials and tribulations, and in the midst of the joy and miracles, I can only hold on to that. I can only hold on to the TRUST that I have in the Lord. God has promised He will never leave me or forsake me. He will guide my path and direct me. I just have to keep on trusting Him. There are days when that just seems to hard to do, to trust God. Like now through the haze of tears that are coming as reality sets in. I must keep my trust in Him. Another friend had posted the Serenity Prayer and a poem. It spoke to my heart, let me share.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I don't know what will come of the next few days or weeks. I know that Matt and his family will be grieving this great loss, and my heart will be breaking right along with theirs. But my prayer is that God will continue to give me the peace that comes from understanding His will. Not my will Lord, but Yours! Please pray for us as we say good bye these next few days and weeks and remember the blessings of our Lord. I'll leave you with the prayer my dear friend Mer sent to me. Be blessed in our Lord.

Praying for you both to know His peace... especially in the midst of your (seemingly never ending) storm... maybe He just wants you to dance in the rain...

Happy After Christmas

2008-12-30T14:28:00.001-05:00

And Merry Before New year... Wait that's backwards.

So. Just a quickie update to the MacIntosh life. We had a fabulous Christmas, see the photos attached. We spent Cmas Eve with my mom and dad, then Cmas morning with Matt's mom and step dad and sister. Then we traveled to Miami and had our Cmas gathering there! It was tons of fun and all things considered we really enjoyed ourselves.

I started working (babysitting) on Sunday and am booked solid til I go back to school. (next Monday) I have a lovely family that has been an ease to sit for and is heavy handed on the tips! YAY. Its weird b/c its "night shift" from 8p to 2a every night this week. Matt and I are passing each other by like we did when we were first married!!

Overall we've been doing good. Matt developed a fever yesterday (103!!!) and has had it continuously since then. No other symptoms, just a fever and general fatigue. I'm hoping he didn't catch my brother's flu that he brought with him to Miami. He's been home from work the last 2 days and won't go back unless his fever stays broken. Which it has yet to do.

So that is all, just working and dealing with sickie. Typical days in our household! Here are some pictures in the next post. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Christmas Pictures

2008-12-30T13:37:00.009-05:00

OK so the pics are backwards and the posts are on a seperate page. Sorry blogger was being ODD. So here you go, enjoy.

Aunt Kathy earning the giant pair of underpants!!

"The Kathleens" Aunt Kathy and Cody Kathleen

Aunt Kerry and Cody

Matt's Mom and Step Dad and then with his sis Liz

Matt and Me and Matt, me and Liz

My Parents and Us

Dad and Penny snuggling on a chair

SHOUT OUT TO BETH!!!

2008-12-22T20:31:00.005-05:00

So my dear friend that I've know since I was a kid and now as an adult, gave us the blessing of our photos!! Lemme tell you. If you need your pictures done, and you live around here, SHE IS THE CHICK TO DO IT! As you can see with our new blog photo, that she did a fabulous job!! I'm so thrilled!! And I'm going to share some of my fave's with you!!

Beth, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this blessing!! Matt and I have been OOOing and AWWing for the last few hours, just trying to figure out who to give what to and where to put up more pics in our house!! It means so much to us!! Thank you! May God bless you abundantly for giving of your self and your gift to us!!! XOXO

OK pics to come but first an update. Not that there is much to update!! Outside of I'm now officially on my first cycle post lap. So let the "trying" begin. For those who follow us, your prayers would be appreciated, as we jump back on the wagon with attempting to make a miracle. I'm feeling good physically, FINALLY!! I'm feeling human again, and its a nice feeling. I'm officially off of work for the next oh 15 days!! YAY! Much needed break. Matt and I spent today having our pics done, shopping, cleaning the house, and relaxing. Tomorrow I'm baking with my friend R and mom. And then begins the Christmas festivities. Its hard to believe its Christmas time already!

Thankfully I have some work lined up already for the days I'm off. 5 days in a row after Christmas!! Money that will help with the bills! Thank you Lord! Times can be tough, but God is pulling us through. And for that, I'm feeling very thankful this Christmas season.

Well I'm off to take a shower and watch a movie with Matt!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Just a quick hello!!

2008-12-12T15:29:00.002-05:00

Life is CRAZY! And when I say crazy, I mean C R A Z Y! I'm pretty much healed from surgery. Cleared for full duty as of next Monday, all tho I'm already doing all the "full duty" stuff. I'm finally beginning to feel human again! Its so nice. And my pain is so minimal! After several weeks of intense constant yuck pain, its nice to feel normal. My Doc is thrilled b/c during all this chaos, I've lost 12lbs. My pants are falling off!! I'm happy, its a nice head start to the remaining 60-something I want to lose!

So Wednesday, my lovely hubby and I and our dear friends J and R went to see Jeff Dunham. It was so much fun and have pictures I need to post!! I'm at work tho so pictures are not readily available. Anyway the humor was just what Matt and I needed after all the chaos this year. The only thing hard was the 2am bedtime and getting up at 6. Um not so good!! But last night I made up for it by going to bed at 8pm (with the help of a lovely sleeping pill!!).

Hmm, what else. This week at work has been nuts. Not bad per say, just really really busy. Here's an example for you of all the stuff I did, a print out of my week schedule:

Procedures; 20
Office Visits: 62
Medications: 16
Vitals Check: 3
Consultation: 10
Education/Screenings: 135

so break down, i saw tons of kids, had 2 dcf calls, 1 parent and 2 teachers almost pummel me, 2 911 calls and I taught/reprimanded 135 5th grade students about teasing/bullying (7 -20min classes)

So busy...but it was a successful week... Our extended family is still in need of prayers please, but we are holding each other up knowing that God is in control and it WILL be OK.

OK I'm off. we have a bday party tonight and I have a cmas party with some friends. oh, and I'm baking with my friend H tomorrow. Our 3rd annual Christmas Cookie Sweatshop!! Its a blast and I cant wait. So everyone, have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

When it rains, it pours...

2008-12-06T12:23:00.002-05:00

SO, my lovely kids at work thought it would be nice to share with me a welcome back present. One of my special needs kids shared Roto Virus with me. Basically its the stomach bug from HELL!! GAG me. I spent most of yesterday in constant heaving and icky-ness. Thank the Lord we had some anti-pukey meds at the house and I was finally able to stop after about 3 1/2 hrs of constant puking! I lost 7 pounds SEVEN pounds in one day. Talk about being squeaky clean inside.

I'm feeling much better today, all tho every muscle in my body hurts, and my lovely post op areas are sorer then normal. But my gastric system has calmed down and i am tolerating gatorade, crackers, and applesauce! Sadly I missed another day of work, so our already scary lack of funds, has another day gone as well. Please continued prayers for our finances.

So life is just crazy as always! Also, our family is going through some crisis and could really use some prayers. For now it must stay between our family but we'll pass on the specifics as soon as I'm allowed to share. Just please pray for all of us!! Times are hard now.

That's it for now. Hope everyone is doing well! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Hi Everyone!!

2008-12-02T07:52:00.002-05:00

Sorry I've been out of the world of blogging. Really not much going on except recovery. I'm doing OK. Post op went well, all tho still another 2-4 weeks of really getting back to normal. My outside is healed quite nicely, but my insides need some more time.

I started back to work yesterday. Outside of overwhelming fatigue and some soreness, I'm doing OK. Work has been very loving and showing me how much I was missed! They even sent flowers to work to welcome me back!! Nice right?? I feel loved! Glad they missed me!! I sorta missed them too! HA! ☺

So not much going on, see? Just getting through the day so I can get home and go to bed!! My goal in life is to currently make it to BEDTIME. I'm on light duty at work for 2 more weeks. No lifting, excessive bending or standing. Which is honestly not a problem b/c I'm TOO TIRED!! But you know, I'm doing OK!

So that's it. I can't believe its Christmas time already! All tho I don't know if we'll get a tree this year. We are barely making bills, and there just aren't any extras. Thank God for a Starbucks gift card that I got my YUMMY coffee with this morning. ☺Please continue to pray for our financial situation. We are SAFE for December, but January is going to be EXTREMELY difficult! But God has provided so far, so I'm holding faith He will again!! Have a blessed day in the Lord my friends!

Just an Update...

2008-11-24T13:34:00.002-05:00

I've been in percocet la la land, so a post probably would not have made much sense! I'm doing well, surgery was successful, my appendix is GONE, endo is GONE, and my tubes are wide open! Praise God! It means we will be able to try to get pregnant "naturally" until we go through the testing and stuff. The first 6 months after a lap, my fertility is "increased". So we might as well take advantage of it!! :D

Otherwise I'm OK. I'm pretty sore, and out of it, but doing OK. I'll be off of work another week, but we're off anyway b/c of thanksgiving on Thursday.

So not much else going on, just chillin' and alternating from the couch to the bed! :) Hope everyone is well! Have a blessed day in the Lord.