Ley Sigh...

So...the IF monster strikes again...

You know, I'm so tired of being the "last one", being asked "why don't you have kids", feeling my heart break over and over again because another announcement, and its not mine...And I hate when its unexpected, and knocks me over without me being aware its coming.

I was having a perfectly good evening. Matt and I met up with a friend of ours, D, who is in town from Tampa. We haven't seen her in a year (which would be this year of CHAOS) and it was just awesome to get together! We laughed so hard we teared up, we ate good food, just enjoyed fellowship. I came home in such a good mood, laughing and joking with Matt, just enjoying our evening. Then WHAM...IF hits me right between the eyes...

I was on facebook (yes I'm a facebook girl) and I see a post. "The three of us are on our way to blah blah, well 3 1/2 of us." Totally caught me off guard. A friend (and she is the daughter in law of another friend) are pregnant with their 2nd. Their 1st is not even 2. I hadn't heard it through the "yee haw someone is pregnant" grapevine yet, so it totally caught me off guard. I'm usually good at "sensing" when someone is going to tell me that either they are pg or someone I know is pg... But I wasn't warned b/c this person wasn't talking to me directly. It was a blanket FB statement to the world.

I called my mom to inform her of this lovely new miracle, that someone else is getting again and she already knew. You could hear it in her voice that she just hadn't gotten to me in time to warn me, and regretted that I found out before said warning could be placed. I hate that I need to be warned. But that's of my own wishes, b/c I hate being hit between the eyes even more. And I could hear that I should just be happy about it...And you know, I probably should, but I'm not...

I try not to have it affect me, try to be happy and joyful, even commented on her FB "congrats"...But it hurts so so so very much. I want to be the one making the announcement. I want to be the one jumping up and down for joy b/c WE are pg. But alas, as we come into our SIXTH (yes sixth) year of lack of fertility, of desiring our child and trying for that child, I'm reminded again of what we don't have. What we yearn for so much, yet don't have, and as time goes on, may never have. I'm running out of time physically, and I just see my dream slipping far far away...

I walk around pretending that I'm just fine and dandy, that its OK that I'm childless, infertile, NOT someones mom...That I can handle it, that I'm OK with it, that it is whatever God has meant for us. Yea that is a big fat freaking lie. I'm NOT OK with this, I'm NOT OK that we are again being left in the dust. Gosh I have friends that are on their 3rd and 4th. Their FIRSTS are in Kg, 1st grade and some even older. And the older I get, the less our chances will be, the more it slips away, the more I lose this dream.

I don't want to lose my dream. I want to throw a damn tantrum and just beg God for the child I long for. Why God? Why us? Why me? or rather, why NOT us? why NOT me? And I feel like there isn't a sole in the world who understands. They try, they give me pity, and sympathy, and that sad pathetic look of "oh poor you". But they just DON'T GET IT!. IF hurts SO much...I pretend on a daily basis, and the truth is I hurt, all the time. I yearn, I ache, I desire OUR child, and every month, every cycle, every day, my arms come up empty and my heart, shattered beyond recognition.

I want to be a mom, I want a baby, and I just don't understand why God denies us this desire...And I was having such a good evening...And now I sit her alone, in broken silence, feeling isolated, surrounded by nothing but a sea of grief and heartbreak. Its just not fair....so unfair... :*(

Wow. I've been gone for a bit...

Sorry my faithful readers!! (HA)

It has just been absolutely nuts. End of the year always is!!! But I can actually say: SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!! WOOT WOOT!!

School got out yesterday. I've got 2 more days, I'm finished at noon tomorrow. Then I'm DONE for two months!! Course I start my summer job next week! I was hired to a home health agency. I've already oriented and been set up with my handheld charting system. Its AMAZING!!! And my good friend Jan is the director of nursing, which always helps! Its such a nice environment and I'm looking forward to working with them. And there is potential for them to be bringing on peds, and potential for a full time position hopefully in the future.

Physically I'm doing much better. I went to the MD this week and things look good, but I had him play with my thyroid meds a bit, I'm going to have a sleep study done (B/c apnea is so prevalent in my family and quite frankly I forget to breathe when I'm AWAKE!)...They are gonna have a show!! I am such a horrible sleep walker/talker, which I have been told is not normal! So we shall see...I also bought a bike!! First night I did about a mile and a half! I'm very proud. I hate walking, so I figured, let me do what I love, and I love to bike!!! My tush was sore the next day, but I will still push through! I'm determined to stay in shape and keep the weight off I lost b/c of faulty Gall bladders. Course the other issue is I can EAT now!! Finally!! And that means I want to, which means I'm easily gonna gain, which I do not want to do. So we'll see! ☺

Matt is off til the 25th of June b/c the store is being remodeled. So he is home driving me crazy, but trying to be helpful. Its a nice break for him, and I'll be less busy with new job, so we can spend some time together! We're hoping for a getaway or two this summer, just a little break from reality! But we'll see with the finances...

OK back to finishing my work, so I can go HOME HOME HOME! Hope everyone is well!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!! ♥

OK I'm calmer now...

So I know I went a bit postal on my last post, but hey, it is my hope that through tall this I can help to educate and hopefully help some person GET this journey we are on!!! The only way to do that sometimes is to lay it all on the table! The truth hurts, and the situation hurts, but there is times when it is OK to just be bleh.

And like I thought, I was OK on Monday and feeling better this week. Sunday was just a hard day for me. I enjoyed hiding under my rock, ate some yummy chocolate, cried at Lifetime movies, and over all was A-OK the next day. And in fact I took my mommy out today and she and I had lunch then went shopping! We had a wonderful day! She is such a blessing in my life!

I've had a very crazy productive week. Its amazing how much better I am feeling physcially! I haven't felt this good in I can't even tell you how long! I have more energy, I sleep less, I feel better, I'm down a total of just about 20lbs and I JUST FEEL GOOD! I was looking at a goofy picture that I took with our computer and I'm dirty and gross and shiny b/c of being, well, gross and hot from outside. But my face, my eyes, I look so much better! I can see it, my husband sees it, my family, shoot even my students can see it! crazy...

Its nuts b/c I think my body is even trying to expel all the nasties in it. For example (and those on Facebook would have seen this): my foot started hurting last weekend. It was sore to walk on and by Monday after work it HURT. So being the good little nurse, I went investigating. Found a huge pustule on the bottom under the ring toe. So I milked it and all this nasty pus came out, and that sucker HURT. Kept milking it, trying to get the gross out so I could get better and low and behold a 1 1/2 in straight pin came flying out!! I am not lying! 4 years ago, yes YEARS, I stepped on a straight pin that came from a Christmas ball that joy had eaten in our room. My foot had gotten all infected and stuff, took antibiotics, and then all was fine. Didn't know the pin was IN there. Outside of some tenderness to the area, it felt fine these last 4 years!!! I am still in shock that it came out!! Or that it was in there for so long! Good golly...But my foot feels great now! Guess my body is tired of feeling bad and is getting rid of everything ICKY.

Let's see. Its been a crazy week of $$ issues, both cars broke down, the computer needed replacing, my car needed tires, not to mention the regular bills and food shopping. But we've gotten everything to where it needs to be, and I'm just thanking God for the resources to pay for stuff. All though my checkbook is very very tired from expelling so much money!! BLEH

I am very random tonight. Let's see 12 more days of school! Praise God almighty! I'm so ready for this year to be over. Its been one thing after the other not to mention all the work drama since February. I am working on "fixing" that situation, but I can not post anymore then that b/c this is a public site. Just continue to keep us in your prayers as we work through the drama.

OK Matt is yelling he wants to go to bed and I'm keeping him up. So on this very random note of a post, I'm off to bed. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

ARGH!!!!

You know, I've been SO busy with life and health and work and all that I have not really had time to think about our IF and how frustrating it is coming in to our 6th year of trying to have a child. But of course, Mother's day is tomorrow and the frustration level in me is about through the roof!

I'm trying to be patient and understanding to those who are naive, or ignorant to our situation. Trying to educate along the way, and forgive for unintentional situations that may occur. But I'm losing patience. ARGH.

Example: The other day my friend innocently sent me a link to something infant/toddler related. Very innocent, by no means trying to hurt my feelings. She would NEVER EVER do that. So I commented back that you know, really? You needed to send me this particular link? She responded very apologetic and I took the opportunity to educate her on IF "ethics" for lack of a better term. That to send me a link for this is like poking the proverbial bruise. It stings the heart to see something so very much not a part of my life, and it hurts, however silly that may seem. So she apologized and I of course have no issue, and in fact thought, "Score one for the IF team, I got my point across!".

But alas, the comment was not left at that, she responded with a "I wish you wouldn't think about it and just be happy." Um yea me too. But unfortunately this is not something you can hide from (however hard we may try). Reminders and "bruise poking" are all around. And unless I stuff myself into a trunk and stay there for the rest of my life, I will always be surrounded by reminders. I can't NOT think about it. Have you ever looked around and seen how vast the sea of preggie bellies and babies extends? Its amazing! And heartbreaking. Do I let it take my joy, my happiness? Certainly not, but does it hurt? HELL YEA!! It hurts like crazy!!! And I just learn to live through the pain and heartache, and hope I make it to the next day.

See with Mother's Day being tomorrow, I'm reminded 10x more of what I'm missing. I'm frustrated and irritable and HURTING inside and the stinkin' "just get over it" or "do this this and this and you'll feel better" crap is just not cutting it! I can't seem to get it through people's thick skulls...

INFERTILITY SUCKS! AND IT HURTS!!!

Showering my mother with gifts and attention, going to church and rubbing my open wounds in babies and celebrations of "the mother", or pretending everything is fine when it ISN'T will NOT FIX MY PAIN! In fact it will probably worsen it and have a longer lasting affect. There is no quick fix, no cure for the pain that comes from IF, people!! Don't tell someone that just ignoring the giant polka dotted elephant in the room will make you FEEL BETTER. It WON'T!!!

I'm grateful and blessed that I have a mom AND a mom in law that are sensitive to my hurting heart and how difficult this time of year is for me. And the fact that it worsens every year that my arms are empty...sigh.

SO tomorrow, I am staying home from church, we have already given cards to our mom's, and I plan on hiding under a rock with a big box of chocolate. And you know what? As disturbed as that may sound to the non IFer, or to someone with arms full of squirmy adorable babies, it is OK. I am allowed to take a day and hide under a rock, and just b/c I do, doesn't mean that I'm nuts or not OK. I will be fine, on Monday...

Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Man I can not shut off my brain...

So its 0219 in the freaking morning. I've had no issue sleeping since surgery but tonight I can not shut off my brain. I'm not working tomorrow (or at all yet) so its not a big deal. Just annoying b/c I'm tired and would like to sleep...This will be long. GET A SNACK AND GO POTTY. :)

So recap:

Surgery went well, all tho it was some of the most horrific post op recovery pain I've ever felt. I have an allergy to general anesthesia (Malignant hyperthermia for you nurse folk), so they put me under with IV sedation, b/c of that I feel EVERYTHING immediately upon waking up. It took about 3 1/2 hrs to get the pain under control. it was bad...I just remember crying out to Jesus, to please take the pain away.

I stayed until late the next day, they got the pain under control...I'm better, but sure as heck not 100%... maybe 60%? or 50%...but I've been running half mast for so long, 60% could be improvement! HA. I went for post op today and surgeon states I'm doing well. Having some "dumping syndrome" issues from too much bile and now no regulating gall bladder, but I have meds for it if it does not stop or slow by the weekend. He said I could go back on light duty as of tomorrow, no heavy lifting/excessive standing, but otherwise I'm good to go. Listen to my body don't over do it. You know common sense stuff that doesn't really apply in my job anyway.

Well, this morning my HR person from work who is not the one I've been dealing with, called and told me I have to go clear across to the other side of town and meet at the main district after my appt to speak with the "big wig" and get my "papers in order" before returning to work. Now they are a devious bunch of hooligans, and I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. I freaked out and called dad who drove me JUST IN CASE I was to angry to drive home from down town west palm beach.

Well my instincts were right, turns out they wanted to talk with me about my probation and its extension (another very long story but totally retarded over 10 min of time) and that I'm on probation clear in to Oct (um NEXT school year) now and that if I look wrong they can and will fire me. Long story short(ish) this TWO HOUR UNPAID meeting was nothing more then me having to defend my good name. And I did too! Respectfully but with the force needed. AND to top it all off, they decided TODAY they no longer accept light duty that I can't come back to work until cleared at 100%. Um MD wrote for May 9th as my 100% clear date. EEK. So now I have to go bug him and see if he can bump it up to like next week. Because I decided that I will take this week to put in resumes and get a new permanent job, b/c after 4 1/2 years of employment, the time has come, *big gulp*, to resign from the Health Care District.

I was going to wait until summer and hold on to insurance, but if I am "fired" for blowing my nose wrong, they can make me ineligible for rehire and that is a nasty little scarlet letter on your record and makes it VERY difficult to find a job. I'm not to keen on my per diem job (very disorganized and chaotic, not a great environment) so I'm looking into some other options. It looks like I'll be headed back to the hospital, all tho another potential popped up this evening. I really don't know yet what is coming down the road.

God has thrown a huge neon sign saying "TIME TO QUIT NOW" in front of me, but I'm terrified of jumping off the cliff with nothing protecting our insurance and livelihood. I'm scared half to freaking death and I am so unsure of what the future holds. One of my online buds wrote to me: "God's will does not take us anywhere His grace can not cover". Which is SOOO true! And soothing words to my weary soul. But I'm battling the fear of the unknown. I've had this Steven Curtis Chapman song flowing around in my head tonight (part of why I can't sleep)...The chorus goes:

My heart is racing and my knees are weak
As I walk to the edge
I know there is not turning back
Once my feet have left the ledge
And in the rush I hear a voice
That’s telling me it’s time
to take the leap of faith
So here I go!

I’m diving in, I’m going deep
in over my head, I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow,
in over my head, I want to go
The river’s deep, the river’s wide,
the river’s water is alive
So sink or swim, I’m diving in

Maybe its a sign? DIVE IN TALLEY! So um, yea I'M SCARED! I want the faith to be able to just dive in and be taken by the flood. But I'm so afraid of drowning and taking Matt down with me, ya know? Its just a weird place to be. A terrifying and new place to be. I'm used to comfort and peace and safety in the place God has put me, and yet here I am, getting ready to dive off to, well, who knows where!! But I know and have 100% peace that I am to quit, scuse me, resign from school health. And that too is bittersweet. I love my school, kids, staff, and I love what I do. I'm good at it. But I can not allow a company to tarnish my reputation and good name that I've worked SO hard at creating and maintaining. Its not worth it. SIGH SIGH SIGH...

SO my dear friends and family I'm in desperate need of prayer. Supernatural overflowing prayer. For direction, for job security, for peace from this fear. Cuz it seems God has new plans for us and well, sink or swim folks...I'm DIVING IN!!!

EEK!

So I see SOO many people are reading...

NOT.

OK I know I've been slacking, but life is busy! I still don't have time to post pics (all tho you can see them on facebook if you are my "friend)...

Newest piece of news, I go in for surgery Monday morning at 7am at JFK hospital. BYE BYE Gall bladder. I'm ready I'm tired of feeling like CRAP. Daddy is taking me and will be sitting with me all day. How sweet! I'll be staying overnight ,and out of work a week.

I worked at 13 hr shift today for my agency to kind of make up for some of the lost wages, but between surgery and spring break, I'm gonna be out 2 weeks of pay. Prayers would be GREATLY appreciated. For those who read. :(

Work sucks right now as well, and I'm seriously debating whether or not to throw in the towel after the year is over. I'm tired of being under constant harassment. I work while walking on egg shells balancing 60million glass plates on my head, and it is never good enough. Things OUT OF MY CONTROL are causing me to be penalized. (i.e. traffic lights being out causing a 1 hr and 15 min commute to work making me 15 min late after 60 days of PERFECT attendance, being at work beyond early, and functioning in an almost unfuctionable state)

Whatever, it will be there loss, and my sadness. sigh. Please pray. I feel God is probably leading me away from this job, but I don't know what is bigger and better out there!

OK enough of this, I'm wiped out and tomorrow is Easter! Praise to our Lord for giving his life for us and our salvation!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

We are home!

Have been since Sunday. Sorry too much going on to post updates!! I've got a ton of pictures, all on face book but I'll be happy to post them here too, just haven't had the time. Vacation was nice and I'm so glad we went. We had fun in Stone Mtn and adored seeing my cuz Rita in Gainesville along with Matt's sister Liz.

So work for both is status quo. But the interesting piece of news, I'm having surgery to remove my gall bladder on Monday the 13th. I like the surgeon, he is very sweet spirited and compassionate, and was very good at explaining stuff in laymen terms even tho I understand it in medical terms. Means he's not so full of himself to spew big words at people. It will be laproscopic (My poor invaded belly button) and hopefully outpatient but at worst just an over night stay. I'll probably take most of next week off, since I'm on leave and they can't go after me anyway! HA!

He told me more detail about my scans. He said it is very unusual to have GB disease and not have GB stones. But my u/s was normal, no stones, no inflammation. But when they did the HIDA scan and injected me with the med that causes GB contraction and emptying, my GB just sat there and did NOTHING! He said it is completely diseased and not working AT ALL...He said I'm in like a 10% that has disease and no stones. Lucky me I get to be ODD again! OIY... But it has to come out ASAP...

So we are scheduled! I really am feeling quite icky, and hate having to wait another week. I'm in constant pain with other um, unpleasant issues... Please keep me in prayers, I'd appreciate it! OK well that is it!!! I'm OFF TO BED now! I promise pictures soon, maybe while I'm recovering... Have a blessed day in the Lord!