It's hard to believe it has been a year since she has gone to be with Jesus. One year ago today, at 2:33am this morning. I remember I had just gone to bed, I'd been up all evening and early morning with her and mom was taking shift. I heard Oma cry out. Her last vocalization. I wasn't even asleep yet. Mom came in the room and told me she was gone. Seems strange being that I was with her watching her as she slipped away, yet the reality of her being GONE, I wept at her bedside. Even though I'd already said my goodbyes. Has a year really come and gone? It feels like yesterday, the wound feels like it was yesterday. I remember being so grateful that she wasn't suffering anymore yet so mad that she was taken from me and my family. So much has happened since then.
I remember her smile, she'd light up a room, even if she was down in the dumps. She'd always give you a smile. How soft her hugs and touch were. I remember holding on to her lap and weeping like a small child when the reality of her death was coming. I remember her rubbing my back and saying her "ya ya ya" in that german accent of hers. That it was all gonna be OK, even without her here. I go to my mom's house and Oma's presence is just everywhere. Her room still SMELLS like her, FEELS like her. I see her everywhere I go in that house. Yet there is somethign missing. Her.
I think I've done a lot of my grieving and I'm doing OK, but there are moments, times when it feels like the wound is wide open, and the grief is so heavy I feel like I might burst. It was an honor to walk her through to her passing, but it is the most difficult thing I've ever done. But I would do it again in a heart beat. As hard as it was.
It's so strange to be doing a treatment cycle on this paticular anniversary. B/c she so wanted us to be pregnant. I wanted to give her that kind of news before she passed. But I never got the chance. She will never hold my children on this side of heaven. Yet I know that she would rejoice if it were to happen. And how weird if it were to work, to conceive on the anniversary of her passing. How strange...
I'm rambling!
I guess I'm just missing her today, remembering her, wanting a hug from her. I can't imagine what it's been like, a year in heaven. I guess for today, I miss you Oma and I will always love you.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
I remember her smile, she'd light up a room, even if she was down in the dumps. She'd always give you a smile. How soft her hugs and touch were. I remember holding on to her lap and weeping like a small child when the reality of her death was coming. I remember her rubbing my back and saying her "ya ya ya" in that german accent of hers. That it was all gonna be OK, even without her here. I go to my mom's house and Oma's presence is just everywhere. Her room still SMELLS like her, FEELS like her. I see her everywhere I go in that house. Yet there is somethign missing. Her.
I think I've done a lot of my grieving and I'm doing OK, but there are moments, times when it feels like the wound is wide open, and the grief is so heavy I feel like I might burst. It was an honor to walk her through to her passing, but it is the most difficult thing I've ever done. But I would do it again in a heart beat. As hard as it was.
It's so strange to be doing a treatment cycle on this paticular anniversary. B/c she so wanted us to be pregnant. I wanted to give her that kind of news before she passed. But I never got the chance. She will never hold my children on this side of heaven. Yet I know that she would rejoice if it were to happen. And how weird if it were to work, to conceive on the anniversary of her passing. How strange...
I'm rambling!
I guess I'm just missing her today, remembering her, wanting a hug from her. I can't imagine what it's been like, a year in heaven. I guess for today, I miss you Oma and I will always love you.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
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