Another Cycle

Another disappointment...Unfortunately this cycle was also negative. We are devestated, heartbroken, angry, sad, frustrated, annoyed, and other words I'll choose to not say on this lovely site! :)

This road we are traveling gets very tiring very quickly!! *sigh* So no baby for us again. Its funny how you try not to hope, you try to pretend that you KNOW it's gonna be negative, therefore its fine, I'm fine, no tears. Yeah right. Cried myself to sleep in Matt's arms last night. Even just the tad bit of mustard seed hope, and I feel crushed beyond belief...

This is definitly a time of faith testing for us! I don't understand why God allows teens and drug addicts to conceive precious gifts, when they could CARE less and don't even want them. Or the families with 17 children!! I just want ONE, and they have 17!! YOWSA (and OUCH comes to mind too!). I desire to be a mom, to bring a child life and teach them Christ and love them for all time. But I'm denied. It's very difficult place to be. Very hard to stay afloat in my faith when I'm hurting so much.

While matt was holding me last night, he just kept telling me that he will love me anyway. He loves me whether we have a child or not. He just kept saying that over and over. I will love you any way, no matter what. (Sweet isn't he?)

I know that I need to say the same thing to Jesus, "I will love you anyway, whether you give us a child or not". But today, is just to hard of a day. I'm trying. But today, I'm not succeeding.

We're taking a break for now. Going to go back to basics. Take matt to the urologist again, see if the surgery maybe caused some kind of blockage or damage?? See why he has gotten WORSE and not better over the last two years. And again, we'll just celebrate the holidays with our family. Another year, another season with empty arms. It's amazing how EMPTY arms can be a heavy burden to carry.

Please keep us in prayers.

Have a blessed day in the Lord.