I don't have any idea if anyone actually reads my silly little blog, but I needed to get out some feelings.
I was over at my mom and dad's house over the weekend. They were redecorating their room and my while my folks were out of town, my bro and I and some aunts and uncles finished the room and put it back together....
Anyway, I was putting stuff back in the closet and I found the two baby blankets my Oma made for our "kids" before she died last year...She had like 4 and told me just weeks before her death to pick out the 2 that I want for my babies and to hold on to them so that my children would know that Oma loved them even though she would never meet them on this side of heaven.
Anyway I had given them to mom to keep until that day they can be used, b/c it was too hard to have the memory of Oma and the idea of children that I don't know will ever come to exist...So mom had the blankets in her closet....I was all weepy sitting on the floor of the closet holding the blankies...They are beautiful, soft, pastels.....Crocheted by her hands....
Thanksgiving was hard (all thought I don't think Matt knows how hard it was for me...Didn't want to ruin his day)...We spent it with matt's family b/c my parents were out of town and all my extended family is 2 hours away. It was hard not being with them this year. I missed having my family for turkey day...I miss my Oma. I miss her more now over a year later then I did last year at the holidays....Her loss is more real to me...I just want one more hug, to lay in her lap while she rubs my head and tells me it will be OK....Her smile, her warmth, her love. I didn't even have my mommy to give me a hug b/c she was in NC...I just wanted some of MY family to be around...Not that dh's is bad, it's just not mine. you know?
I miss the children that I don't have, that never even existed. I don't want another holiday season without little ones...My 6th Holiday season without kids....Another christmas without miracles....I'm grieving children I've never had...How can you grieve what has never existed?? I guess I'm grieving the idea....Infertility just plain old SUCKS! I hate it and I hate that it puts a damper on everything...On another birthday, another holiday, another occasion that you again don't have children. I was at the store buying gifts for our nieces and nephew and our new niece that is coming in January. I was walking the isles and just trying to hold it together. Will I ever be walking that isle for me? For us? For our children?? *sigh*
No we haven't given up, I'm just very sad tonight.....and I want my Oma to hold me and tell me I'm OK...I'm tired of this journey, tired of traveling such a sad and uneven road...I just want a hug tonight...
*sigh* holidays hurt tooo much sometimes....Pray for us if you think about it!!
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