A devotion...

So I was asked by a friend to do a devotion tomorrow for a Church meeting thing that I have. VERY last minute (930 TONIGHT!) and VERY unexpected!!!

I asked God to help me find something because me speaking in front of people and only with short notice is not a good combo.

My prayers lead me to a blog post I had written about 3 years ago, in the heart of our Infertility. Matt says its worthy of being put on the blog, so I told him I'd post...Here is the post, some of our story in our journey...

August 1, 2008
5 years ago....

5 years ago today...

We prayerfully decided it was time for us to expand our family...

5 years ago today...

My first cycle free of birth control pills and ready to go and actively Try to Conceive (TTC)

5 years ago today...

I began the anticipation, excitement, joy, fear, nervousness, and elation at the possibility that a little one would be in my arms within a year. That little one that I've thought about and prayed for my whole life. That little one that would complete our family, expanding on the love and joy we have with each other. A physical representation of that love together Matt and I have.

5 years later...

I had no idea I'd still be here, empty arms, shattered dreams, and a broken heart. That I'd have gone through all these tests, procedures, surgeries, violations, pokings, proddings, and humiliations, and yet still be left with empty arms. I had no idea 5 years ago, when I innocently walked into this decision, overwhelmed with possibilities and joy, that this is where I'd be, 5 years later.

Now mind you we have some amazing blessings in our life, I'm more in love with my hubby then I ever have been, and I'm grateful for that love, and the love of our family and Savior. But I'm still here, yearning for these children that God has laid on my heart. These two precious wee ones that have been a part of me my entire life, before I knew their names, before I knew what I wanted. Shoot before I had a hubby to try and make them with! :)

There is a relatively new song I've been hearing on the radio from Tenth Avenue North called "Love is Here".

God has been speaking to me through these words.
The beginning of the song begins:
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed.

I have "labored" and worked through so much and tried so hard to have a child and all of it seems to be in vain. I feel left in pieces, a barren woman unable to provide children for her husband. Unable to bring a beautiful life into this world so I can raise it up right and raise him/her in the Lord. A child that can bring a great sense of purpose and love into my life. I feel broken.

But the next words: Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.

His love is here, right now. His mercy is new every day, His love is here for me every morning with the sunrise and holds me as I drift to sleep in the sunset. And not just droplets of love, but pouring, overflowing, everlasting streams of love. Love that brings purpose to my life, to my husbands life, whether we are childless or not.

The next lines of the song:

And to the bruised and fallen,
captives, bound, and broken hearted.

He is the lord
He is the lord,

In it all, HE IS THE LORD! He is my Lord, whether I'm on the top of the mountain, excited about new things, or down in the pit, fallen by shame and brokenness, captive by my pain, bound by my desire and yearning, and broken hearted by my shattered dreams. HE IS LORD. He is my Lord, NO MATTER WHAT. And I'm not alone through this. My God is with me, and Matt. Beside me holding me, nourishing and refreshing me with His living waters. Loving me through these trials...And you know what? He really does satisfy. But I have to take the step, I have to except His living waters, and refresh my spirit. And in the midst of the pain and deep dark grief, its a very hard thing to do.

I'm in tears as I write b/c I truly am broken hearted and empty. I yearn so very deeply for my children. I dream about them, loving them, holding them. I dream of when that day comes that they are mine and physically with me, and no longer just a dream. I grieve the loss of the innocence that started 5 years ago, that sweet sweet innocence. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, I'm just writing as my heart flows with the tears.

For now, all I can do is hold on to my faith, even my frayed tattered faith, but its still there. Maybe my tears are the physical of His living waters, soothing my weary broken soul. Maybe its His waters that will fill the emptiness inside of me. Maybe one day I'll come out the other side of this and still know that My God is LORD. Til that day comes, when my tears are for joy, that is all I can hold on to, My LORD and his streams of flowing Love...Love is here...

The beauty of this, is the story did not end here. It continued on to a miracle baby boy named Samuel Russell who will be 1 year old 2 weeks from today. I found myself weeping as I read this post, because I’m in awe of the absolute miracle God has given us! He has blessed us abundantly and my heart is overflowing with praise and gratitude! We did not know what God’s answer was going to be for our life, if He’d grant us this desire our hearts held. But we continued to hold on to faith, and some days that faith held on by a hair. But we chose to believe that no matter what the outcome we would claim that HE is Lord, faithful to his children, and a loving God. And just because he could, he gave us our precious miracle!!

But my reason for reading this specific post was not just to share with you my story or specifically our infertility journey. Its the fact that its ALL the stories, each one’s grief and strife, broken hearts, shattered dreams. Through WHATEVER you are going through, HE IS STILL GOD. He will hold you in His arms, when you feel all alone in this world. He will fill you with his living waters, when your soul is parched and dry from heartache and grief. He will strengthen your faith, when your faith seems tattered beyond recognition. And he will carry you through, when you no longer have the strength to go on. He has promised never to leave us or forsake us. And my friends, I stand here, a living testament to that promise. Love is HERE.

Have a blessed day in the Lord!