Bittersweet....

Bittersweet. My dear friend H nailed it. I was describing to her our weekend.

One of my IF buddies came down to visit us with her hub and her miracle IVF babies. They are 20 mos old and absolutely fabulous girls! They ran me ragged to the point of an all afternoon nap yesterday! (Matt too!!) They are such an amazing miracle. Not only their creation, but that they survived her mother who needed over 4 months of bed rest to bring these little miracles safely in the world after needing IVF and IV medicine to shut down her natural killer cells that attacked the babies in-utero.

And yet, my heart is bittersweet.....

R was such a great friend and is not one who has "forgotten" her IF and the 6 year struggle of IF and loss she had endured. She gave me time and space with hugs and love through each step. She is pretty amazing like that. I loved holding her babies, praising God for their existence and the miracle of their little lives. And yet my heart was breaking inside for me. Just physical pain at the ache that comes from me lacking my own little ones. I held on to her one little girl, B...She and I hit it off and she was a snuggle bug. Crawling all over me, hugging me, blowing me kisses and snuggling close when she was sleepy...I held this little girl and imagined what it would be like if she was mine...To have my little girl snuggling with me. But she's not, and I don't know, and may never know what its like to have my little girl snuggling in my arms, rubbing my face and giving me kisses...

I cried myself to sleep, with my husband holding me...I don't even know if he was aware of the heartache I was experiencing. The ache of empty arms and a broken heart.

Yes I believe bittersweet is the perfect word....

Pictures as promised...

Well folks, I'm officially 31, and 2 days old...I've enjoyed having a several day long celebration of my birthday! Its been awesome! Hub and I went out to Taverna Opa (greek food) on my actual birthday on Monday. It was fun, but loud. They sang and threw napkins all over us. It was amusing! Then we went to see Couple's Retreat. Cute movie with some "close your eyes quick" scenes but overall pretty funny!!! Matt brought me home some beautiful roses. I really truly enjoyed my day, er um dayS. I figured I'd have a hard time, wanting my babies, another year coming and going. But I'm actually doing OK. Don't get me wrong, my heart aches for a child, but I've been able to just celebrate being ME and enjoy my time with family and friends!!! Its been lovely!! Oh and one more thing, I won a photography sitting with a teacher friend of mine! I'm so stoked! We wanted her to take our pictures, but didn't have the $$ for it. So I entered her contest and WON! A free portrait sitting with an 8x10! I'm so excited! :) Here is her blog if you want to see her work. I just think she is one talented chick!!!

www.jamilahscreativetouch.com

OK and now for the pictures! Have a blessed day in the Lord!


Our friends S and J














Um, drink? What whatcha talking about???














Oh THIS drink. Yes. Mine. YUM














My mom and dad














My Mom and dad in law













Horrid pic of me blowing out my candles. Guess what I wished for??? :D














My sister in law K.


















My H2 Crew. Happy hour girls!! D her mom P and J














Our dear friends J and R (our anniversary buds)













Everyone being silly














On our way to Taverna Opa. Trying to get a pic of my cuteness. Didn't work...


















Matt after the napkins were thrown!














Me with them too!














The flowers he bought me. Just playing around.

My Bday dinner.

So we went out tonight with about 20 something family and friends to Longhorn's to celebrate my bday!!! It was so much fun, and the food was fabulous! The waiters screwed up our bills and it took an hour and a half to sort, but you know our family, we just kept chillin' and talkin'!!!

It was so much fun and I feel so loved! Thank you everyone!!! Its going to be a weekend long celebration! :) My bday is actually on Monday, (31 YIKES!!!) but I'm all about celebrating for more then a day... hee hee.

Really I had a ton of fun. It just touched my heart that I have so many people who love me and care for me and wanted to share that time with me!!! I do have some pictures and I will post them later, as for now I'm going to bed as I am on call this weekend. (I wasn't thinking very clearly when I made the schedule. OOPS!!!)

Hope all is well with everyone. I'm hoping my followers will come back as I'm trying to write more! I promise!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Sunday, Sunday...

So as you can see, I've been fiddling around with my blog!! What do you think?? I love the pictures at the top, our desire, our hope, our prayer. Just looked cool to me, and the background just went with it so very nicely!!!

Life is BUSY! B-U-S-Y, BUSY! But good. Matt and I are doing well. We just celebrated our 7th year of marriage!! Its so hard to believe. So much time has passed...We are doing well tho. The Deeper Still conference was absolutely AMAZING! A beautiful time of worshiping God and growing in his word!! It was truly a blessed time!!! Food for my weary soul!! Then we had this amazing worship this weekend at church!! Its our 25th anniversary at church and we did 25 years of Worship. So we went through all the years of music and CD's and just worshiped God all evening! So fabulous!! Then Matt and I came home and we listened to our new CD from church and worshiped some more!!! Just a good ol' fashioned soul feedin'!

So I figured I'd post some pics from the weekend revival:

All the girls














Me and my friend M














Me and my friend S














S and M being their cute selves!













The three of us!!














And these are the pics from our anniversary outing with our friends J & R. It was their anniversary on the 18th and R's bday was the same as our anny, so we had tons to celebrate. We went to the melting pot and had a GRAND time!!! These are the flowers Matt sent me at work! They are still going strong 2 weeks later!!! (well 2 weeks tomorrow) Aren't they purdy? And then the pics of our anny outing!














R and J




























All of us














The fondue chocolate we got. It was YUMMY














R blowing our her candle


















Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!!!!!

Hello blog land...

Wow work is NUTS and busy crazy cukoo! And Matt and I have just been trying to, well, deal...Work is good for Matt and for me... (did I mention he got his full time position back??? WOOT WOOT! PRAISE GOD!) And things have been very positive, feeling very blessed. And praising God for it...Hmm what else. OH I have a new Auntie. And she lives in AUSTRALIA! Long story short...while my Bepa (dad's dad) was stationed in Malta ions ago, my aunt was produced. Anyway, she found us through FACEBOOK of all places. So several weeks and a DNA test later, it is proven that she is a half sister to my dad and his 5 siblings!!! Well we are having a reunion in NC for Thanksgiving and everyone is coming, including our new auntie!! She was able to get a Visa and she will be flying in to visit for a month or two! Now that the shock has settled, we are extremely excited to meet this new member of our family!!! What a miraculous way for God to have her find us!!! It should be a blast. My blessed new boss (and friend) is giving me the Friday after TG so I can fly up and be with my family. Unfortunately Matt will be stuck working, but we plan on a BBQ and lots of visits while Auntie is down here...Interesting times!!!

And yet there is always that little monkey wrench that throws a kink in the peace. Annoying, right? I had a very positive IF week. I actually held and loved on a little 4 day old baby boy (AND was the only one in my office to get him quiet being he wanted momma and she wasn't around). I was so proud of myself that I did well...Then I freaking crashed and BURNED...And this weekend just brought the walls tumbling all around me...Deep deep hole of sadness...and hurt...and brokenness. SIGH... :(

But through the sadness, and some difficult moments, Matt and I are talking more, trying to work through the pain together...Its a good thing. We are quite blessed to have our Exec. Pastor at church to be understanding and caring and empathetic. I've told you before how he has gone through this journey. And I can drop him a line out of no where, and he will turn around and write me back quickly, pray for us, hold us, and support us in this journey. What a blessing he is in our lives, a true God-send. He has been very helpful pulling my head out of this hole this weekend. Our bible study "huddle" too. We are blessed with the people God has dropped into our lives to walk with us on this journey.

Anyway, nothing real specific right now, just ramblings. I'm leaving to go to Orlando tomorrow after work. I'm meeting with some of my good friends and going to the Life Way women's conference with Beth Moore and Kay Arthur. I'm SO looking forward. A weekend away, a weekend with praise and worship and encouragement. Sounds like a plan to me!! I'm praying for God to soothe some of my hurt like a balm to my weary soul and encourage my heart this weekend. I'm hoping.

I'll have to post some pics after the trip...And maybe give you a more understandable post! My brain is just all over the place!!! LOL forgive me my faithful readers...OK off to bed, I have to get up EARLY tomorrow to pack up the car!!! And then go to work. BLEH. :D Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Difficult, emotional day

I don't know why this month is hitting me so hard, maybe its anniversary of Oma's passing, maybe its the just passing 6 years of IF, maybe its b/c our 7th anniversary is coming up, then my 31st bday, then Matt's 33rd bday, maybe its just b/c another year has come, and gone, with nothing to show for it except increased disappointment and more heartache and tears...

Dunno...

I've been very weepy today. I'm not even due for my period yet, like another week and a half to go...Just frustrated and tired, and sick of being let down month after month, even tho my brain knows it probably will never happen on its own, my heart gets hopeful each month...grrr. so stupid of me.

I know that this probably has something to do with it as well...My dear dear IF girlfriend is on her way to Israel as we speak. Its pretty amazing (and I'm HIGHLY jealous that I'm not with her! :) ) So I had jokingly said that she can go to the wailing wall on both our behalves, not thinking she actually could...Do you know that she has a prayer for Matt and I and our desires and yearning to be parents, and she is going to put it in the wailing wall and intercede on our behalf? Its so neat to think, that in one of the oldest, holiest places, the place that is known as the direct ear to heaven, that my beloved friend is going to bring our desire, our dreams, our heartache, our sadness and lay it before the Lord!!??!! Its just so amazing to me. Now I know that Jesus gave us that bridge that separates us from God so that he can hear us directly, no need for a priest in the Holy of Holies, I'm just speaking based on tradition. Its a holy and sovereign place, and my prayer will be placed there. Just overwhelms me, its an amazing thought. So that is adding to my tearful day (that and a bad day at work)...

I know I'm rambling nonsense. I'm just feeling so honored that my friend would do this for us, intercede on our behalf, and I know that she doesn't even have to ask me what to say, she could pray it verbatim, without even a peep from me...Its pretty neat, I think.

I try to keep my emotions in control, not let IF take control of who I am and what I desire. Most of the time, I succeed, but today I'm struggling...and prayers are appreciated.

Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Long time...

Lots to update!! So I was talking with my long time friend Jen and she informed me I was slacking in my writing. She is, of course, right. It has been a MONTH and what a while month its been!!!

So a lot of it I haven't written about b/c I needed to make it official first. The district had cut the nurses to 33hr/wk. something absolutely not do-able for us!! And they cut our insurance making it cost more out of pocket for us as well. So I'd been trying to figger out what to do. Well, about a month ago at the home health agency I was working for, I was offered a job. A REALLY good job! I am now the Clinical Supervisor for my agency! Its a 40 hr week job M-F with a nice pay increase! So as of this past Thursday, I resigned from the Health Care District. I am no longer a school nurse! It was and is hard to leave the kids, and my staff. I LOVED my staff. But it was definitely the right move! After all I went through with them, this is where I'm meant to be! It is truly a blessing for us!

Also this month we bought a car for me!! The Kia bit the dust, and we were able to finance a vehicle I could afford!!! (and literally 4 days later the job offer came! GO GOD with timing!) Its a candy apple red Toyota Rav4. Its GORGEOUS. See pics below! :)

Let's see what else. OH. Remember how Matt and I had written a letter to Apple, fighting back for his demotion b/c we felt it wasn't done fair? That was back in like, May or April I believe. I was on a rampage then! Fighting my district with legal help, fighting Matt's company for unfair demotion. Anyway, Matt had a meeting with them this past Tuesday. Well his HR guy found Matt's boss to be in the WRONG and at fault and re-instated Matt to FULL TIME with BENEFITS!!! HOORAY! So He is back to full time! I'm so happy for him!! Again, GOD IS GOOD!

SO that is all the good fun going on! Its been a crazy summer! Good for the most part. Full of blessings. I can not even TELL you the relief from all these blessings! Safe car, safe jobs, income coming in!

I've been in an IF funk for lack of a better term. But that is a post for another day. Now, I have to go to bed and sleep b/c tomorrow I go back to my new full time job!! Lots to catch up on for missing 3 days!! :)

Have a blessed day in the Lord! (OO car pics below)