Transition, Healing and Inspiration...

Hello my friends!! Oh my, life is crazy, exhausting, but oh my heart is so full! Sammy is 6 almost 7 weeks old. He is growing like a weed, bright eyed (BLUE eyes I might add) and starting to smile. My mommy heart is just melting as I watch him grow and change every day... I'm truly blessed to have this little boy in my life!!

This is gonna be looooong. Get some coffee or a small snack before you sit down to start reading! :-)

I'm thankful for maternity leave because lemme tell ya, besides the physical exhaustion, I'm emotionally and spiritually zapped as well! My brain has been trying to write a post for several days now, but I keep getting interrupted. Mom told me to give the baby to Matt and sit down and write. So that is what I am trying to do! HA! (all tho it still took me a couple days!)

The last few days, specifically Friday through today (Tuesday) has been a WHIRLWIND of emotions and stuff. I don't know if I can make this make sense, but I'm going to try.

On Friday I was chatting with Matt. Mother's day (MD) is approaching, and even though I am a mother, I find myself struggling with the day. Crazy right? I need to be happy I'm a mom doggone it and I need to "get over" the fact that I WAS infertile and am now NOT. Sounds simple enough. And for some who have walked this journey, maybe that transition was easy for them, maybe its because I'm still so new in this identity that I'm not quite there yet. Still living on adrenaline and caffeine really!

I've been the "IF chick" for over 7 years. That is an identity that has defined me in every way shape and form: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've spent years hiding on MD, running from the approaching pg belly, ducking out of baby showers, avoiding mother's gatherings and spending the days protecting my very sensitive, IF heart. I've grieved and hurt and struggled for YEARS, been through loss of hope, anger, frustration and despair. And now, it feels all of a sudden, that identity has DRASTICALLY changed. I AM A MOM. Obviously mentally I'm quite aware, and physically as well (considering I spend my days being MILKED like Bessie the Cow). However emotionally? I haven't caught up. I struggle with residual pain, uncertainty and years of wounds that just don't miraculously "heal" because I now have a baby. Sammy is not a magical band aid that cures years of pain and to expect him to is much to big of a burden for such a little person. Besides, my healing needs to come from Christ alone. Does having a child help? Oh absolutely without a doubt! But I still need to work through the junk that IF leaves behind, and in only Him alone can I succeed. It amazes me how IF even intertwines in THIS part of my life, being a mom...

That said, God is working on me! He is helping me to TRANSITION into who I am as a mother to this precious little boy. He is throwing people in my life who are helping me! On Saturday, I went to my friend G's house for a "family" Easter egg hunt. Huh something I'd have avoided like the plague up til now. G is also a fellow IF chick, now the proud mom of 3 1/2 miracles. G called me up and told me I needed to be around other mommies. I need some adult/family time, learn to be in this new phase of my life. So I bundled up Sammy and my nerves and went to her house. And God love her, she totally welcomed me into the mess-ah kids and moms and dads. She shared our story briefly and I was welcomed with open arms. Score one for being a Mommy! I tackled my first "mommy" outing. WOW, I love how God gives me just who and what I need!

So this lead to Sunday and a 2 1/2 hr conversation with my mom on the phone. (I love her, she is just the bestest BFF in the world). I was explaining to mom how God is showing me and helping me to transition into this new life role of being a mom. Helping my emotional to catch up to my mental and physical. I shared with her the struggles I was having with MD, not only b/c of the past difficulties I've had with the holiday, but also knowing that there are hurting hearts that are going to be struggling that day, and I just can't forget those that have not moved on yet. Those who are still waiting, arms still aching, hearts still hurting as they hold on to what thread of hope they have left. MY heart is breaking FOR THEM. What makes me so special that God allowed me to move forward while they are still having to wait. It's a hard place to be.

But my mom reminded me that, just like I had to do when it was me watching someone move forward while I had to wait, I can not let someone elses heartache decrease the joy of MY miracle. I can't allow satan to steal my joy for the son that God has given me. I will forever be able to understand and empathize with an IFer, my journey will always be there in the background. It is part of who I am. It has molded and shaped me into the woman/daughter/wife/mother that I am today. That will never change. However I can not diminish my joy because I am just robbing myself, my husband, my son, our family of the essence of this miracle. And diminishing my joy will not help anyone who is walking this IF journey. If I allow it, satan wins. Instead it is time for me to HEAL. Time for me to just sit in the presence of Jesus, praising Him for the miracles in our life! WOW powerful stuff right??

I told mom that day that I wished that there would be SOMETHING good that came of all those years of heartache. Of course Sammy is "something good" but I mean that it wasn't in vain. That our IF journey, all that we went through was not in vain and ultimately that God would receive the glory in all things. That just by God using our journey to help one life, that will make it all worth it, b/c then God can be glorified in the heartache and the pain.

I was breezing through our blog, the months prior to finding out about the IVF coverage, and came across this post I'd written...Funny how I don't always remember writing stuff, but how I can look back and God slaps me silly all over again, reminding me why I do this, why I pour my heart out to the world wide web. I had posted Psalm 40, but it was verses 1-5 that hit me when I read them again, and what I'd written...

Psalm 40
For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

Now for those who know me, know US, has God not shown us amazing blessings? Just rocked us with shocking WOW times, right??? Verse 5 just totally is a psalm of "us". I love this psalm, it may be one of my new life "verses"...I pray that verse 3 is that the miracle will happen and those who are around to see it, will know the ONLY WAY was that God stepped in and intervened...

Man my God has stepped in and intervened!!! Which leads me to Inspiration. All I've ever desired from this blog is to be a shining light for Jesus. That maybe, just maybe, by sharing our hearts cry, our story of struggle, sacrifice and redemption, that God may use it for His glory. That someone "may see what He has done and be amazed", and they "will put their trust in the Lord". It would make all of it, every single step of the last 7+ years worth it. And God would be praised.

And my God is just awesome, because not only does he hear my hearts cry, answer my prayers and hold me in His arms, he again shows that He is working in my life. Every day, right this moment. On Monday I received a note from a lovely lady, Mrs. C, who has been following our blog and recently started posting to it and sharing HER life with me. (she lives in Ireland by the way) I am humbled that someone on the other side of the world would take interest in our life. She had asked if she could post a link to our blog on her blog, to share some of our journey with her world. I had said yes, not thinking anything of it. Oh my, she absolutely knocked my socks off!! This precious lady wrote the most humbling and heartfelt post that has left me in tears. (I'll post the link at the end) Simply put, she wrote that our blog was the inspiration for her blog and why she is sharing her life with the world. That maybe, just maybe, someone down the road, may be encouraged by her life's journey just as she was encouraged by our journey. Being an outstretched hand of God.

Just the day before I had told mom, that just one life touched by Jesus, one GOOD thing to come of our heartache, and it wouldn't be a journey in vain. And the NEXT DAY, God showed us that He continues to be faithful, and "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord". ALL THINGS work together for good!! ALL THINGS! My IF is not in vain, my heartache is NOT in vain, our journey was NOT IN VAIN! GOOD has come from all of this! Praise Jesus!

What a journey! What momentous ah-ha time in my life!! I'm transforming into this new being, this new stage in my life while all along God is continuing to inspire. What I prayed would be used to help someone else's life, turned around and is helping me. I can finally say, it is OK for me to change, OK for me to transform, OK to let go of heartache that I've held on to for so long. And because of that, it is OK for me to FINALLY start to heal.

What a mighty God I serve!! Have a blessed day in the Lord...

LINK to the post from Mrs. C. Check out her blog and her reason for it's name. She is an amazing writer.