Lots of thoughts in my brain...

No real anything...

So bear with me...

Been a strange couple of days. I feel like I've been "fighting off" PI. Like fighting an infection. Just a tickle, an sniffle, a random thought here and there trying to bring me down the PI BLAHS...

Example, I was reading on FB yesterday, and one of my acquaintance friends (my bro's friend actually) is PG with #3...Now their first is 2 1/2, second JUST turned one, and this was an OOPSIE. She was online complaining about how "such a little thing can zap all the energy out of you. I just want my life back" type comment.

Now I seriously was ready to deck her over FB, and wanted to comment something along the lines of "I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat." "Must be nice to have that problem as I would give everything to be pregnant." You know, random "I'M TICKED" thoughts like that. Now I resisted (with Gods help) and its good that I did. B/c I drove to Wendy's to get a drink this AM, and who was in the car in front of me??? Said person and family....Can you imagine? I'da been mortified if I'd made a snide remark then see them in person the next day! I NEVER see them, very rarely....Phew, crisis averted...

So Mr. IF Monster is rearing his ugly head. I'm TRYING to not let it get to me, b/c nothing is finite. I don't know how my journey or story will end. I'M TRYING, but not doing so well. SIGH. I'm trying to walk the path before me and have God show me where this all leads.

So I'll share with you what I'm learning. We are doing this IF devotional (Matt and I) and we're just getting into it, but the devo from last night was on Psalm 40. Have you ever read that? Its amazing (to me anyway)....And I pray it holds truth for our IF along with the rest of our life's blessings....It keeps showing up in our IF life...Maybe God is trying to show me something. Here let me show it to you...

Psalm 40 (New Living Translation)

Psalm 40
For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

6 You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
7 Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
8 I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”

9 I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
10 I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

11 Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.

13 Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
14 May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
15 Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”

16 But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
17 As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.

Now for those who know me, know US, has god not shown us amazing blessings? Just rocked us with shocking WOW times, right??? Verse 5 just totally is a psalm of "us". I love this psalm, it may be one of my new life "verses"...I pray that verse 3 is that the miracle will happen and those who are around to see it, will know the ONLY WAY was that God stepped in and intervened...

Again I know I'm rambling. Lots of thoughts in my brain tonight. No real rhyme or reason. The last thing that totally captured me yesterday was a title note for this book/chapter of Psalms: DOING GOD'S WILL SOMETIMES MEANS WAITING PATIENTLY...

Yea don't know about you but that hit me square between the eyes. So my soon to be 6 year IF brain has been working on all of this. I'm trying to seek the joy and hope in the midst of the trial and heartache. Easier said then done.

I don't' know if I'll ever be a mom...And the idea that I won't, is heart breaking and more then I can handle at times. But I know that in the midst of this journey, I need to find and learn and grow as much as I possibly can...Because like that childhood song I used to sing, "God is not through with me yet". And thank God for the grace to fall down, screw up, and fail, and a God to pick me back up put me right again, and guide me to the next place.

Definitely an interesting week. Have a blessed day in the Lord...