My new favorite word! Praise God I only have "fibroadenoma". Basically a BENIGN mass!!!
SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL!
A LONG couple of days waiting for the biopsy to occur and ultimately for the results. I still need to monitor myself closely and have the follow up mammograms, but for today CANCER is not a part of MY health and life.
Again, PRAISE GOD!
But man, it got me doing so much contemplating and thinking and wondering about how my life would change, how things would be, what would now lie ahead. And ultimately, releasing that control to God, and letting Him guide our path. Not an easy feat for sure.
I have so many things to be thankful for, and yet I forget that from time to time. Nothing like facing the big "C" to give your life some perspective and remember the good God has done in your life!
~I have an amazing husband, loving, kind and generous of his time and gifts. My helpmate that has stood (um sat?) by me in times of need, heartache and female insanity.
~I have a beautiful son, my precious gift, my Sam- "asked of God and given". He's healthy and smart and such a joy in my life.
~I have an amazing family both through blood and through marriage, who support me and love me.
~I have a job and a BEAUTIFUL roof over my head. I have sunrises that sparkle and dance on the lake every morning, and sunsets that blaze the sky every evening.
~I have an everlasting salvation and love of a savior that is beyond what my earthly mind can comprehend.
I. AM. BLESSED.
I urge you to look at the beauty in your life!! Do not wait for the "scare" to evaluate all the wonderful blessings around you. Yes I know I sound all sappy, but hey! Cancer is scary, and it SCARED some sense into me! So I'm offering that sense to you. In all things, GOD IS STILL GOOD...
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
The Unknown...
Hmm, I will type before coming up with a title, because I don't know what to title this post. We haven't really said anything to anyone, but we have been dealing with a terrifying possibility.
I have a mass in my left breast.
It all started as some soreness and finding a lump. 5 days ago I went for my first ever mammogram and u/s, where the lump I found was nothing (praise God!), but we have found another. And unfortunately its solid (not cystic) and suspicious. So I be-bopped my way to the breast surgeon and I am scheduled for a needle biopsy on Wednesday (5/22). It has been a whirlwind of a week!
I'm 34 y/o and I am facing the possibility of, gulp, cancer.
Now of course there is a nice chance that it will be just a benign mass that is being a pest and of course that is our hope and prayer! But just the possibility brings an overwhelming, uncontrollable fear. It is messing with my routine, my sleep (hence the 1230am typing) and just flat out scares the CRAP out of me.
The surgeons extra concern is because of the hormones I took for IVF, and the vast increase of Estrogen in my body for the IVF process. Great IF could come back and bite me in the butt for this too, seriously?? Can't a girl catch a break?
*SIGH*
So my husband, by my side, has been walking (er um rolling) me through this process. Standing (sitting) beside me while I freak out, do OK, then have a mini melt down at 2 in the morning. I know that God is in control, I know that God will walk us through whatever we have to face, I know that nothing happens that hasn't sifted through His hands, but I. AM. SCARED.
To think I yearned for my little boy for so long and the very thing that brought him to me could cause me illness makes me frustrated and angry. Its really NOT fair. Yes I know life's not fair, but for the love of God, gimme a break already!
And, hopefully chances are, it will be nothing. My prayer and desire is for it to be nothing! I have a love/hate relationship with my breasts anyway, but I don't want to contemplate losing either one without it being on MY terms. So this needs to be nothing. :-)
So here we are, facing the possibility of a new chapter in our life. A scary chapter. A chapter of "the unknown". (Hey look at that, that can be the title) OR, life could continue on as usual!
Right now, I'm just ready for it to be Wednesday!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
I have a mass in my left breast.
It all started as some soreness and finding a lump. 5 days ago I went for my first ever mammogram and u/s, where the lump I found was nothing (praise God!), but we have found another. And unfortunately its solid (not cystic) and suspicious. So I be-bopped my way to the breast surgeon and I am scheduled for a needle biopsy on Wednesday (5/22). It has been a whirlwind of a week!
I'm 34 y/o and I am facing the possibility of, gulp, cancer.
Now of course there is a nice chance that it will be just a benign mass that is being a pest and of course that is our hope and prayer! But just the possibility brings an overwhelming, uncontrollable fear. It is messing with my routine, my sleep (hence the 1230am typing) and just flat out scares the CRAP out of me.
The surgeons extra concern is because of the hormones I took for IVF, and the vast increase of Estrogen in my body for the IVF process. Great IF could come back and bite me in the butt for this too, seriously?? Can't a girl catch a break?
*SIGH*
So my husband, by my side, has been walking (er um rolling) me through this process. Standing (sitting) beside me while I freak out, do OK, then have a mini melt down at 2 in the morning. I know that God is in control, I know that God will walk us through whatever we have to face, I know that nothing happens that hasn't sifted through His hands, but I. AM. SCARED.
To think I yearned for my little boy for so long and the very thing that brought him to me could cause me illness makes me frustrated and angry. Its really NOT fair. Yes I know life's not fair, but for the love of God, gimme a break already!
And, hopefully chances are, it will be nothing. My prayer and desire is for it to be nothing! I have a love/hate relationship with my breasts anyway, but I don't want to contemplate losing either one without it being on MY terms. So this needs to be nothing. :-)
So here we are, facing the possibility of a new chapter in our life. A scary chapter. A chapter of "the unknown". (Hey look at that, that can be the title) OR, life could continue on as usual!
Right now, I'm just ready for it to be Wednesday!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Happy Mother's Day
A dream realized. A dream so longed for, so prayed for, so wanted. And today, I have a dream realized. As I type this that dream is crawling around on the floor, barking at Joy and wearing his daddy's shoes, full of life and spunk. :-)
I'm so thankful for the little boy that is in my arms. I have been entrusted with him, to raise him, love him, show him how to love our Lord and mold him in to an amazing man of God. He is my beautiful miracle, he dances with freedom and not a lick of concern to what others think of him, he tries my patience and has learned how to get away with things with his daddy. He is MY ultimate joy. I have never known a love so great, so deep and so unconditional as the love of my child, second only to my Father's love and the love of my husband. I am truly blessed.
I braved Mother's Day service at church yesterday. Because, even with this miracle in my arms, my heart yearns for another little one. Over a year has passed since we officially started "trying" again on our own, even though we know it will take a miracle by ourselves. We are trying to wait, patiently, for God's direction on how He will expand our family. And waiting is hard, and it hurts. And yet our lives are full.
IF has left its mark on my heart, I am forever changed by this journey, forever scarred. I struggle with the intense yearning for a second child, for the completion of our little family, for the second one we pray for every day, just like we pray for Sam. Yet I am full of guilt and grief for even contemplating that my heart hurts, that my journey is a struggle, that I have sadness that I don't have another little one when there is one in my arms. That, is the mark of secondary infertility. A monster rearing its ugly head, but in the silence, in the dark corners of my heart where no one can see. I feel ugly and torn by this journey, broken in two by the conflict of joy and heartache. But it battles quietly in the stillness of my heart, because in THIS ache I NEVER want to sound ungrateful. Because I am TRULY blessed by this little boy in my arms. But my heart hurts, and breaks again every month that I am confirmed to not have a pregnancy in me.
I've only gone to maybe 3 services for Mother's day in the last decade. Last year and this year were the two most recent. I walked through the doors in tears, already struggling within myself. Being able to raise my hand and say, "YES! I am a mother!", but knowing this deep quiet yearning inside me is thriving and growing each day. Most of the time its just a day to celebrate the moms, something VERY important, without a doubt. I have an amazing mom and I love being able to celebrate her! She is my lifeline in times of need, I can't imagine life without her.
But this service was different...Our pastor stood and asked if he could pray for the other women in the congregation. The women who are waiting, grieving, hoping for their children. The ones whose arms are so heavy with emptiness and yearning for children in their arms. Oh how I cried, sobbed really. The women in front of me probably thought I was nuts as they passed me the tissues. Oh how I could relate!!! I REMEMBER being the one with empty arms, feeling forgotten and overlooked on Mother's day, and knowing so many that are STILL waiting, my heart hopes with them, prays with them and so deeply grieves with them. And then my own pain breaks through and knocks the wind out of me. How dare I? How dare I even begin to hurt! Is it not unfair that my arms are full and theirs are still waiting??? And the vicious, ugly, conflicted cycle continues.
I am very blessed to have women in my life who love me so unconditionally. And can help me in this kind of conflict. Who knew that my dear friend G would have to be walking THIS part of our IF journey with me as well!!! She was a life force, a true corner stone in our IF journey and through the IVF and finally to Sam. And now I find myself leaning on her again as we struggle, silently, in our SI journey. I'm so grateful she is patient with me, and allows me a place to unload the silence.
I messaged her, yes while in church, and her words hit home...
...no need to feel bad about feeling sad... Just because you are grateful for Sammy doesn't negate your very real need and normal desire to have more than one child. No one would ever tell a person who didn't struggle with infertility that they were ungrateful for what they have if they wanted a second but us IFs feel guilty if we want what is normal for most. No guilt sweetie. Your dreams are real, your pain is real and you have reason to be sad EVEN when you are glad and grateful for Sammy. Nothing wrong with being human...
Thank you Lord for this woman in my life! There is something about validation with what you are feeling. Being told "it's OK!!" to feel what you are feeling. Needless to say the flood gates opened with this. Well continued to flood. In fact tears are flowing now. I am a mother, but it is OK for me to hurt within this struggle.
Maybe we are on this new round of an IF journey for us to again try and help those in our place. Those who have "graduated" yet are hurting, just like us. I don't like this roller coaster, and would rather get off please, but the desire for completion of our family is a much stronger urge.
If you have made it this far, I bless you. Because I know that I'm all kinds of jumbled confusion. Believe me I know it. I read it and become even more confused!! :-) But it is helpful, healing and a tad cathartic for me to type all this nonsense out. Just as it once was on our journey to Sam.
For my PI buds, for those still waiting, who have lost their littles and are waiting for their arms to be full, I don't forget, I continue to pray for you daily...I ask that you be patient with me on THIS journey for us.
Happy Mother's Day. Have a blessed day in the Lord.
I'm so thankful for the little boy that is in my arms. I have been entrusted with him, to raise him, love him, show him how to love our Lord and mold him in to an amazing man of God. He is my beautiful miracle, he dances with freedom and not a lick of concern to what others think of him, he tries my patience and has learned how to get away with things with his daddy. He is MY ultimate joy. I have never known a love so great, so deep and so unconditional as the love of my child, second only to my Father's love and the love of my husband. I am truly blessed.
I braved Mother's Day service at church yesterday. Because, even with this miracle in my arms, my heart yearns for another little one. Over a year has passed since we officially started "trying" again on our own, even though we know it will take a miracle by ourselves. We are trying to wait, patiently, for God's direction on how He will expand our family. And waiting is hard, and it hurts. And yet our lives are full.
IF has left its mark on my heart, I am forever changed by this journey, forever scarred. I struggle with the intense yearning for a second child, for the completion of our little family, for the second one we pray for every day, just like we pray for Sam. Yet I am full of guilt and grief for even contemplating that my heart hurts, that my journey is a struggle, that I have sadness that I don't have another little one when there is one in my arms. That, is the mark of secondary infertility. A monster rearing its ugly head, but in the silence, in the dark corners of my heart where no one can see. I feel ugly and torn by this journey, broken in two by the conflict of joy and heartache. But it battles quietly in the stillness of my heart, because in THIS ache I NEVER want to sound ungrateful. Because I am TRULY blessed by this little boy in my arms. But my heart hurts, and breaks again every month that I am confirmed to not have a pregnancy in me.
I've only gone to maybe 3 services for Mother's day in the last decade. Last year and this year were the two most recent. I walked through the doors in tears, already struggling within myself. Being able to raise my hand and say, "YES! I am a mother!", but knowing this deep quiet yearning inside me is thriving and growing each day. Most of the time its just a day to celebrate the moms, something VERY important, without a doubt. I have an amazing mom and I love being able to celebrate her! She is my lifeline in times of need, I can't imagine life without her.
But this service was different...Our pastor stood and asked if he could pray for the other women in the congregation. The women who are waiting, grieving, hoping for their children. The ones whose arms are so heavy with emptiness and yearning for children in their arms. Oh how I cried, sobbed really. The women in front of me probably thought I was nuts as they passed me the tissues. Oh how I could relate!!! I REMEMBER being the one with empty arms, feeling forgotten and overlooked on Mother's day, and knowing so many that are STILL waiting, my heart hopes with them, prays with them and so deeply grieves with them. And then my own pain breaks through and knocks the wind out of me. How dare I? How dare I even begin to hurt! Is it not unfair that my arms are full and theirs are still waiting??? And the vicious, ugly, conflicted cycle continues.
I am very blessed to have women in my life who love me so unconditionally. And can help me in this kind of conflict. Who knew that my dear friend G would have to be walking THIS part of our IF journey with me as well!!! She was a life force, a true corner stone in our IF journey and through the IVF and finally to Sam. And now I find myself leaning on her again as we struggle, silently, in our SI journey. I'm so grateful she is patient with me, and allows me a place to unload the silence.
I messaged her, yes while in church, and her words hit home...
...no need to feel bad about feeling sad... Just because you are grateful for Sammy doesn't negate your very real need and normal desire to have more than one child. No one would ever tell a person who didn't struggle with infertility that they were ungrateful for what they have if they wanted a second but us IFs feel guilty if we want what is normal for most. No guilt sweetie. Your dreams are real, your pain is real and you have reason to be sad EVEN when you are glad and grateful for Sammy. Nothing wrong with being human...
Thank you Lord for this woman in my life! There is something about validation with what you are feeling. Being told "it's OK!!" to feel what you are feeling. Needless to say the flood gates opened with this. Well continued to flood. In fact tears are flowing now. I am a mother, but it is OK for me to hurt within this struggle.
Maybe we are on this new round of an IF journey for us to again try and help those in our place. Those who have "graduated" yet are hurting, just like us. I don't like this roller coaster, and would rather get off please, but the desire for completion of our family is a much stronger urge.
If you have made it this far, I bless you. Because I know that I'm all kinds of jumbled confusion. Believe me I know it. I read it and become even more confused!! :-) But it is helpful, healing and a tad cathartic for me to type all this nonsense out. Just as it once was on our journey to Sam.
For my PI buds, for those still waiting, who have lost their littles and are waiting for their arms to be full, I don't forget, I continue to pray for you daily...I ask that you be patient with me on THIS journey for us.
Happy Mother's Day. Have a blessed day in the Lord.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Time to post...
And time for some updates to the blog!!
I plan on doing some doodling, updating the blog, new pictures, design, layout. I think its time! New day, new journey new DESIGN!
So here we are again! We have a beautiful 2 year old little boy, the joy of our life! Matt has a new job, he is working at our church in the IT department, I'm still busy at the hospital, we have our BEAUTIFUL new home! Life is GOOD...
And yet our hearts are aching again.
You see, we have entered a NEW category of Infertility (IF) called SECONDARY infertility. We remain unable to conceive a child on our own, we remain requiring several thousand dollars to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), therefore we remain INFERTILE. The secondary part means that we have a child in our arms that is biological, but we are unable to conceive after many months of no contraception or birth control.
And secondary IF or SI comes with its own bag of heartache and frustration. You see, how can I even THINK of having a hurting heart? MY ARMS ARE FULL with this healthy baby boy! (all tho not so baby anymore!). How dare I feel twinges and those old familiar feelings when those I love wind up pregnant and I'm not? Its not like I'm still PRIMARY IF, where I'm still waiting to have a child of my own, I HAVE a beautiful son. Yet SI has brought me to my knees once again, heart weeping, ache heavy, and sorrow filled as I pray for God to bless us with the second child we so hope for. BUT with SI also comes guilt. Guilt because I HAVE my precious son and I should not be so selfish or sound so ungrateful.
And yet, my heart aches.
We have begun a new journey in the world of IF. And I'm not a fan. I want this deep imbedded ache to GO AWAY. I don't WANT the trauma and heartache of IF anymore, and yet, my heart aches.
So we are back. Back to share our journey with you, back to allow me a place to vent and write and pray for this second child that we feel God has out there for us. Wondering if we will be reunited with our precious frozen embies and where this journey will lead. Back to hopefully teach and educate and love on those in our path, and continue to allow God to have his way while we wait...
So thankful for another day of grace, and a God who loves me wholly and completely, even in the midst of my faults and heartache...
Have a BLESSED day in the Lord!
I plan on doing some doodling, updating the blog, new pictures, design, layout. I think its time! New day, new journey new DESIGN!
So here we are again! We have a beautiful 2 year old little boy, the joy of our life! Matt has a new job, he is working at our church in the IT department, I'm still busy at the hospital, we have our BEAUTIFUL new home! Life is GOOD...
And yet our hearts are aching again.
You see, we have entered a NEW category of Infertility (IF) called SECONDARY infertility. We remain unable to conceive a child on our own, we remain requiring several thousand dollars to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), therefore we remain INFERTILE. The secondary part means that we have a child in our arms that is biological, but we are unable to conceive after many months of no contraception or birth control.
And secondary IF or SI comes with its own bag of heartache and frustration. You see, how can I even THINK of having a hurting heart? MY ARMS ARE FULL with this healthy baby boy! (all tho not so baby anymore!). How dare I feel twinges and those old familiar feelings when those I love wind up pregnant and I'm not? Its not like I'm still PRIMARY IF, where I'm still waiting to have a child of my own, I HAVE a beautiful son. Yet SI has brought me to my knees once again, heart weeping, ache heavy, and sorrow filled as I pray for God to bless us with the second child we so hope for. BUT with SI also comes guilt. Guilt because I HAVE my precious son and I should not be so selfish or sound so ungrateful.
And yet, my heart aches.
We have begun a new journey in the world of IF. And I'm not a fan. I want this deep imbedded ache to GO AWAY. I don't WANT the trauma and heartache of IF anymore, and yet, my heart aches.
So we are back. Back to share our journey with you, back to allow me a place to vent and write and pray for this second child that we feel God has out there for us. Wondering if we will be reunited with our precious frozen embies and where this journey will lead. Back to hopefully teach and educate and love on those in our path, and continue to allow God to have his way while we wait...
So thankful for another day of grace, and a God who loves me wholly and completely, even in the midst of my faults and heartache...
Have a BLESSED day in the Lord!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
I'm a mom...
I know this is nothing new. We all know that I'm a mom now. But this time last year, I didn't know WHAT I was, except exhausted, confused, and absolutely in love with my little boy.
I was struggling so much with Mother's Day last year, b/c I wasn't sure where I stood?? This previously IF woman, now with a squirmy infant in her arms... Where do I belong??
Well praise be, I have found some of who I am, have found out that above all I'm a child of God, but that I am the mom of a precious son, my miracle gift that was "asked of God and given". I am crazy about him, and so incredibly blessed.
We have come so far...God has brought us through the miry pit and has filled us with joy everlasting! He has sustained us through the hardship of IF, and continues to sustain us in the heart of job loss, money woes, health issues and crisis. I'm so thankful to have my Abba Father in our life. And feel honored to be able to share Jesus with my son.
Sorry there is truly no rhyme or reason to this post. Just sitting here thinking about how much has changed in the last year, and the last two years. And even tho we are struggling, and life is hard right now, I don't ever want to be misunderstood as knowing how blessed we truly are, and that I love my son more then anything within my worldly possession.
I changed my fb pic to my first picture with my son. So I'm gonna share it with you. Happy Mother's Day to all of you mommy's out there, then ones with your children in your arms, the ones with your children waiting for you in glory, and those still waiting for your precious ones to come to your arms! I love you all...
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
I was struggling so much with Mother's Day last year, b/c I wasn't sure where I stood?? This previously IF woman, now with a squirmy infant in her arms... Where do I belong??
Well praise be, I have found some of who I am, have found out that above all I'm a child of God, but that I am the mom of a precious son, my miracle gift that was "asked of God and given". I am crazy about him, and so incredibly blessed.
We have come so far...God has brought us through the miry pit and has filled us with joy everlasting! He has sustained us through the hardship of IF, and continues to sustain us in the heart of job loss, money woes, health issues and crisis. I'm so thankful to have my Abba Father in our life. And feel honored to be able to share Jesus with my son.
Sorry there is truly no rhyme or reason to this post. Just sitting here thinking about how much has changed in the last year, and the last two years. And even tho we are struggling, and life is hard right now, I don't ever want to be misunderstood as knowing how blessed we truly are, and that I love my son more then anything within my worldly possession.
I changed my fb pic to my first picture with my son. So I'm gonna share it with you. Happy Mother's Day to all of you mommy's out there, then ones with your children in your arms, the ones with your children waiting for you in glory, and those still waiting for your precious ones to come to your arms! I love you all...
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Heartbreak...
A beautiful baby girl named Abigail ElizabethAnne is an IF baby. She is the product of 10 years of waiting, IVF, and wonderful parents waiting and hoping with patience. She is a sister to a little boy named Aaron, also a product of IVF, who shared the same living quarters with his sister.
Sadly Aaron went home to our Lord before there was even a chance of life in this world. But his sister, Abi, carried on like a trooper. Bringing comfort and love to her mommy, as she grieved the loss of her little Aaron.
Abi was born March 24th, 2012, 5 weeks too soon. She weighed in at 5lbs 1oz, and came out screaming and fiesty. Full of fire and absolutely beautiful. But Abi was found to have a defect in her heart, one that would require open heart surgery as soon as possible. At 4 days old, Abi had the surgery to repair her heart, doing as well as expected for the first few days. But on March 31, 2012, God had other plans. Abi joined her brother Aaron at the throne of our Lord.
I met Abi's mom about 7 years ago on Hannah's Prayer. She was in med school, studying to become a doctor, and had such a heart for those who where hurting and wanted to bring comfort. She has the kindest heart and a sensitive spirit, and has always lifted me up during our journey. Mandy and I have never met in person, but I have communicated with her through the world wide web for years. She shared with me her journey of IVF, the shots, ultra sounds, tests and bloodwork leading up to the creation of her perfect 3 embryo's. I prayed and waited anxiously to hear how the 2 she had implanted had done, begging God for my friend to have the gift of motherhood. And he blessed her with her twins. Oh how I rejoiced!! The tears I cried just flowed from heaven, such gratitude and excitement for these precious miracles!! Thank you Lord!
My heart broke at the hearing of Aaron's passing into grace. I fell to my knees, asking God why but praising him for this little girl that remained. When Mandy's water broke, my knees were down again, praying for this precious little girl, asking for an easy delivery, for a successful surgery, for miraculous healing, to make her heart whole. I did not know that God's answer to that prayer would be complete healing, complete wholeness. As he took her home to His arms.
Oh how I have wept, wept for this child. For such a profound loss. I don't understand. I just know that it is not for me to understand.
I'm thankful that I have the chance to pray for this family, to love on them, and most of all to carry the memory of Abi and Aaron with me. I don't know if God will tell these precious little ones of all the people who prayed for them or if they just know, but I do hope that one day I will get to meet them in glory. And to know they are 100% whole and dancing with so many other children I have prayed for over the years!!!
Thank you Mandy for sharing your story and your life with me. I love you ever so much, and am continuing to pray...
Even tho I don't understand Father, I hold true to "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be YOUR name." Because I KNOW that through your promises, you will lift us up!!!
Have a blessed day in the Lord.
Sadly Aaron went home to our Lord before there was even a chance of life in this world. But his sister, Abi, carried on like a trooper. Bringing comfort and love to her mommy, as she grieved the loss of her little Aaron.
Abi was born March 24th, 2012, 5 weeks too soon. She weighed in at 5lbs 1oz, and came out screaming and fiesty. Full of fire and absolutely beautiful. But Abi was found to have a defect in her heart, one that would require open heart surgery as soon as possible. At 4 days old, Abi had the surgery to repair her heart, doing as well as expected for the first few days. But on March 31, 2012, God had other plans. Abi joined her brother Aaron at the throne of our Lord.
I met Abi's mom about 7 years ago on Hannah's Prayer. She was in med school, studying to become a doctor, and had such a heart for those who where hurting and wanted to bring comfort. She has the kindest heart and a sensitive spirit, and has always lifted me up during our journey. Mandy and I have never met in person, but I have communicated with her through the world wide web for years. She shared with me her journey of IVF, the shots, ultra sounds, tests and bloodwork leading up to the creation of her perfect 3 embryo's. I prayed and waited anxiously to hear how the 2 she had implanted had done, begging God for my friend to have the gift of motherhood. And he blessed her with her twins. Oh how I rejoiced!! The tears I cried just flowed from heaven, such gratitude and excitement for these precious miracles!! Thank you Lord!
My heart broke at the hearing of Aaron's passing into grace. I fell to my knees, asking God why but praising him for this little girl that remained. When Mandy's water broke, my knees were down again, praying for this precious little girl, asking for an easy delivery, for a successful surgery, for miraculous healing, to make her heart whole. I did not know that God's answer to that prayer would be complete healing, complete wholeness. As he took her home to His arms.
Oh how I have wept, wept for this child. For such a profound loss. I don't understand. I just know that it is not for me to understand.
I'm thankful that I have the chance to pray for this family, to love on them, and most of all to carry the memory of Abi and Aaron with me. I don't know if God will tell these precious little ones of all the people who prayed for them or if they just know, but I do hope that one day I will get to meet them in glory. And to know they are 100% whole and dancing with so many other children I have prayed for over the years!!!
Thank you Mandy for sharing your story and your life with me. I love you ever so much, and am continuing to pray...
Even tho I don't understand Father, I hold true to "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be YOUR name." Because I KNOW that through your promises, you will lift us up!!!
Have a blessed day in the Lord.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
WE have a ONE year old!
It's hard to believe a year has already passed!! Too quickly! Sam is ONE today! I remember this day so clearly from last year (now the weeks following? That's a different story! LOL). I was terrified of the C Section, afraid something would go wrong with the Pre eclampsia, then struggled watching him have a hard time breathing...But ended the day holding my perfect baby boy that my arms had longed to have for so long! Could it be they were finally full??
Now they are overflowing with a 26 lb little boy! He's not a baby anymore, he's a TODDLER. How did that happen?? My word, it has gone too fast! But every day I'm so thankful for this little boy, for this precious miracle that has rocked our world! Oh Lord, how did I get so blessed?? So lucky?
My heart has been hoping and praying for so many of my continued PI/IF girls. So much heart ache recently, and I'm just begging God for them to have this amazing chance. And I wonder why I was chosen, but yet so thankful. Such a weird place to be. Newly titled as "Former IF" and "MOM". Still getting used to that after so many years as the "IF girl", "Barren". Know what I mean?
I think most of all, I just want these girls that I love to know, no matter what even with this miracle in my arms, they are never far from my mind/heart. I have not forgotten, I CHOOSE to not forget, because I will continue to pray and hope for them...and you are loved...I will not forget...
Celebrating my miracle today! Continuing to pray for more miracles to come!! In all of it, GOD IS GOOD!
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Now they are overflowing with a 26 lb little boy! He's not a baby anymore, he's a TODDLER. How did that happen?? My word, it has gone too fast! But every day I'm so thankful for this little boy, for this precious miracle that has rocked our world! Oh Lord, how did I get so blessed?? So lucky?
My heart has been hoping and praying for so many of my continued PI/IF girls. So much heart ache recently, and I'm just begging God for them to have this amazing chance. And I wonder why I was chosen, but yet so thankful. Such a weird place to be. Newly titled as "Former IF" and "MOM". Still getting used to that after so many years as the "IF girl", "Barren". Know what I mean?
I think most of all, I just want these girls that I love to know, no matter what even with this miracle in my arms, they are never far from my mind/heart. I have not forgotten, I CHOOSE to not forget, because I will continue to pray and hope for them...and you are loved...I will not forget...
Celebrating my miracle today! Continuing to pray for more miracles to come!! In all of it, GOD IS GOOD!
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Friday, February 10, 2012
A devotion...
So I was asked by a friend to do a devotion tomorrow for a Church meeting thing that I have. VERY last minute (930 TONIGHT!) and VERY unexpected!!!
I asked God to help me find something because me speaking in front of people and only with short notice is not a good combo.
My prayers lead me to a blog post I had written about 3 years ago, in the heart of our Infertility. Matt says its worthy of being put on the blog, so I told him I'd post...Here is the post, some of our story in our journey...
August 1, 2008
5 years ago....
5 years ago today...
We prayerfully decided it was time for us to expand our family...
5 years ago today...
My first cycle free of birth control pills and ready to go and actively Try to Conceive (TTC)
5 years ago today...
I began the anticipation, excitement, joy, fear, nervousness, and elation at the possibility that a little one would be in my arms within a year. That little one that I've thought about and prayed for my whole life. That little one that would complete our family, expanding on the love and joy we have with each other. A physical representation of that love together Matt and I have.
5 years later...
I had no idea I'd still be here, empty arms, shattered dreams, and a broken heart. That I'd have gone through all these tests, procedures, surgeries, violations, pokings, proddings, and humiliations, and yet still be left with empty arms. I had no idea 5 years ago, when I innocently walked into this decision, overwhelmed with possibilities and joy, that this is where I'd be, 5 years later.
Now mind you we have some amazing blessings in our life, I'm more in love with my hubby then I ever have been, and I'm grateful for that love, and the love of our family and Savior. But I'm still here, yearning for these children that God has laid on my heart. These two precious wee ones that have been a part of me my entire life, before I knew their names, before I knew what I wanted. Shoot before I had a hubby to try and make them with! :)
There is a relatively new song I've been hearing on the radio from Tenth Avenue North called "Love is Here".
God has been speaking to me through these words.
The beginning of the song begins:
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed.
I have "labored" and worked through so much and tried so hard to have a child and all of it seems to be in vain. I feel left in pieces, a barren woman unable to provide children for her husband. Unable to bring a beautiful life into this world so I can raise it up right and raise him/her in the Lord. A child that can bring a great sense of purpose and love into my life. I feel broken.
But the next words: Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.
His love is here, right now. His mercy is new every day, His love is here for me every morning with the sunrise and holds me as I drift to sleep in the sunset. And not just droplets of love, but pouring, overflowing, everlasting streams of love. Love that brings purpose to my life, to my husbands life, whether we are childless or not.
The next lines of the song:
And to the bruised and fallen,
captives, bound, and broken hearted.
He is the lord
He is the lord,
In it all, HE IS THE LORD! He is my Lord, whether I'm on the top of the mountain, excited about new things, or down in the pit, fallen by shame and brokenness, captive by my pain, bound by my desire and yearning, and broken hearted by my shattered dreams. HE IS LORD. He is my Lord, NO MATTER WHAT. And I'm not alone through this. My God is with me, and Matt. Beside me holding me, nourishing and refreshing me with His living waters. Loving me through these trials...And you know what? He really does satisfy. But I have to take the step, I have to except His living waters, and refresh my spirit. And in the midst of the pain and deep dark grief, its a very hard thing to do.
I'm in tears as I write b/c I truly am broken hearted and empty. I yearn so very deeply for my children. I dream about them, loving them, holding them. I dream of when that day comes that they are mine and physically with me, and no longer just a dream. I grieve the loss of the innocence that started 5 years ago, that sweet sweet innocence. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, I'm just writing as my heart flows with the tears.
For now, all I can do is hold on to my faith, even my frayed tattered faith, but its still there. Maybe my tears are the physical of His living waters, soothing my weary broken soul. Maybe its His waters that will fill the emptiness inside of me. Maybe one day I'll come out the other side of this and still know that My God is LORD. Til that day comes, when my tears are for joy, that is all I can hold on to, My LORD and his streams of flowing Love...Love is here...
The beauty of this, is the story did not end here. It continued on to a miracle baby boy named Samuel Russell who will be 1 year old 2 weeks from today. I found myself weeping as I read this post, because I’m in awe of the absolute miracle God has given us! He has blessed us abundantly and my heart is overflowing with praise and gratitude! We did not know what God’s answer was going to be for our life, if He’d grant us this desire our hearts held. But we continued to hold on to faith, and some days that faith held on by a hair. But we chose to believe that no matter what the outcome we would claim that HE is Lord, faithful to his children, and a loving God. And just because he could, he gave us our precious miracle!!
But my reason for reading this specific post was not just to share with you my story or specifically our infertility journey. Its the fact that its ALL the stories, each one’s grief and strife, broken hearts, shattered dreams. Through WHATEVER you are going through, HE IS STILL GOD. He will hold you in His arms, when you feel all alone in this world. He will fill you with his living waters, when your soul is parched and dry from heartache and grief. He will strengthen your faith, when your faith seems tattered beyond recognition. And he will carry you through, when you no longer have the strength to go on. He has promised never to leave us or forsake us. And my friends, I stand here, a living testament to that promise. Love is HERE.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
I asked God to help me find something because me speaking in front of people and only with short notice is not a good combo.
My prayers lead me to a blog post I had written about 3 years ago, in the heart of our Infertility. Matt says its worthy of being put on the blog, so I told him I'd post...Here is the post, some of our story in our journey...
August 1, 2008
5 years ago....
5 years ago today...
We prayerfully decided it was time for us to expand our family...
5 years ago today...
My first cycle free of birth control pills and ready to go and actively Try to Conceive (TTC)
5 years ago today...
I began the anticipation, excitement, joy, fear, nervousness, and elation at the possibility that a little one would be in my arms within a year. That little one that I've thought about and prayed for my whole life. That little one that would complete our family, expanding on the love and joy we have with each other. A physical representation of that love together Matt and I have.
5 years later...
I had no idea I'd still be here, empty arms, shattered dreams, and a broken heart. That I'd have gone through all these tests, procedures, surgeries, violations, pokings, proddings, and humiliations, and yet still be left with empty arms. I had no idea 5 years ago, when I innocently walked into this decision, overwhelmed with possibilities and joy, that this is where I'd be, 5 years later.
Now mind you we have some amazing blessings in our life, I'm more in love with my hubby then I ever have been, and I'm grateful for that love, and the love of our family and Savior. But I'm still here, yearning for these children that God has laid on my heart. These two precious wee ones that have been a part of me my entire life, before I knew their names, before I knew what I wanted. Shoot before I had a hubby to try and make them with! :)
There is a relatively new song I've been hearing on the radio from Tenth Avenue North called "Love is Here".
God has been speaking to me through these words.
The beginning of the song begins:
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed.
I have "labored" and worked through so much and tried so hard to have a child and all of it seems to be in vain. I feel left in pieces, a barren woman unable to provide children for her husband. Unable to bring a beautiful life into this world so I can raise it up right and raise him/her in the Lord. A child that can bring a great sense of purpose and love into my life. I feel broken.
But the next words: Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.
His love is here, right now. His mercy is new every day, His love is here for me every morning with the sunrise and holds me as I drift to sleep in the sunset. And not just droplets of love, but pouring, overflowing, everlasting streams of love. Love that brings purpose to my life, to my husbands life, whether we are childless or not.
The next lines of the song:
And to the bruised and fallen,
captives, bound, and broken hearted.
He is the lord
He is the lord,
In it all, HE IS THE LORD! He is my Lord, whether I'm on the top of the mountain, excited about new things, or down in the pit, fallen by shame and brokenness, captive by my pain, bound by my desire and yearning, and broken hearted by my shattered dreams. HE IS LORD. He is my Lord, NO MATTER WHAT. And I'm not alone through this. My God is with me, and Matt. Beside me holding me, nourishing and refreshing me with His living waters. Loving me through these trials...And you know what? He really does satisfy. But I have to take the step, I have to except His living waters, and refresh my spirit. And in the midst of the pain and deep dark grief, its a very hard thing to do.
I'm in tears as I write b/c I truly am broken hearted and empty. I yearn so very deeply for my children. I dream about them, loving them, holding them. I dream of when that day comes that they are mine and physically with me, and no longer just a dream. I grieve the loss of the innocence that started 5 years ago, that sweet sweet innocence. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, I'm just writing as my heart flows with the tears.
For now, all I can do is hold on to my faith, even my frayed tattered faith, but its still there. Maybe my tears are the physical of His living waters, soothing my weary broken soul. Maybe its His waters that will fill the emptiness inside of me. Maybe one day I'll come out the other side of this and still know that My God is LORD. Til that day comes, when my tears are for joy, that is all I can hold on to, My LORD and his streams of flowing Love...Love is here...
The beauty of this, is the story did not end here. It continued on to a miracle baby boy named Samuel Russell who will be 1 year old 2 weeks from today. I found myself weeping as I read this post, because I’m in awe of the absolute miracle God has given us! He has blessed us abundantly and my heart is overflowing with praise and gratitude! We did not know what God’s answer was going to be for our life, if He’d grant us this desire our hearts held. But we continued to hold on to faith, and some days that faith held on by a hair. But we chose to believe that no matter what the outcome we would claim that HE is Lord, faithful to his children, and a loving God. And just because he could, he gave us our precious miracle!!
But my reason for reading this specific post was not just to share with you my story or specifically our infertility journey. Its the fact that its ALL the stories, each one’s grief and strife, broken hearts, shattered dreams. Through WHATEVER you are going through, HE IS STILL GOD. He will hold you in His arms, when you feel all alone in this world. He will fill you with his living waters, when your soul is parched and dry from heartache and grief. He will strengthen your faith, when your faith seems tattered beyond recognition. And he will carry you through, when you no longer have the strength to go on. He has promised never to leave us or forsake us. And my friends, I stand here, a living testament to that promise. Love is HERE.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Hello friends!
Long time no see. I've just not had much to write. All tho life is full and rich! And to God be the glory for all of it!! So I'll update you on my precious boy...
He is 8 months old. He crawls backwards but not forward. He rolls around and can sit up on his own. He pulls up to his knees but not standing all the way (but soon! EEK) He blows kisses, smiles and laughs in glee. He has two bottom toofies an has the most amazing blue eyes and is FINALLY getting some hair! He loves to snuggle when he's tired. And is a fabulous eater! To the point where I turned his nose orange from all the orange veggies I was feeding him! LOL...He is an amazing little boy and I am abundantly blessed!
Its still so hard to believe at times that this little boy is MINE. That he is my son that I wake up to every morning babbling in his crib. I'm so grateful!! I think back to the journey, what lead us to Sam, all the years of pain, hope and tears. And here we are!! And its passing so quickly, he is growing and changing every day. And my heart is so full it could just burst!! Thank you Lord for this gift!!
Work is great, very busy but I'm enjoying it. Matt is still living with Apple poor guy. But he maintains his job for the sake of us. I'm grateful. Our exciting news is that I am gonna be an auntie for the first time on my side. My bro and SIL are pregnant and due in April! Sam is gonna have a precious cousin. We are very excited!
Oh this journey. This life's walk that we are on!! It is so twisty and turny, ups and downs. I still wonder why I was blessed and so many others have not been yet. My heart still breaks for those I love who are struggling for littles of their own. I know I did nothing to deserve this little boy and God blessed us anyway. Its like our Salvation. I did ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve my salvation, yet God blessed us anyway. What an amazing giving God we serve! To so generously give me my son, and His. I've been sitting in wonder of that lately. And so humbled and grateful as well.
My heavenly Father. Thank you for these precious gifts in my life! For a husband who loves me abundantly and unconditionally, for a home that protects me from life's storms, those silly fur babies that drive me nuts, a secure job that I enjoy, my miracle son that I get to hold and love on every day, and most importantly, for your Son and the salvation we have received because of Him. I'm so grateful and thankful....
I know many who read this are still waiting on their miracles. And please know that my heart has not forgotten, I KNOW where you are at, how you are feeling and hurting. I think today I just wanted to make a point of reminding us all to be THANKFUL for the blessings in our lives. Our precious spouses, homes, jobs. And my prayer is that I will be rejoicing with you soon on your own miracles.
No rhyme or reason today! Just random thoughts. Thank you to those of you who still come by to see if I've written. I see there have been tons of hits!! I'm honored!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
He is 8 months old. He crawls backwards but not forward. He rolls around and can sit up on his own. He pulls up to his knees but not standing all the way (but soon! EEK) He blows kisses, smiles and laughs in glee. He has two bottom toofies an has the most amazing blue eyes and is FINALLY getting some hair! He loves to snuggle when he's tired. And is a fabulous eater! To the point where I turned his nose orange from all the orange veggies I was feeding him! LOL...He is an amazing little boy and I am abundantly blessed!
Its still so hard to believe at times that this little boy is MINE. That he is my son that I wake up to every morning babbling in his crib. I'm so grateful!! I think back to the journey, what lead us to Sam, all the years of pain, hope and tears. And here we are!! And its passing so quickly, he is growing and changing every day. And my heart is so full it could just burst!! Thank you Lord for this gift!!
Work is great, very busy but I'm enjoying it. Matt is still living with Apple poor guy. But he maintains his job for the sake of us. I'm grateful. Our exciting news is that I am gonna be an auntie for the first time on my side. My bro and SIL are pregnant and due in April! Sam is gonna have a precious cousin. We are very excited!
Oh this journey. This life's walk that we are on!! It is so twisty and turny, ups and downs. I still wonder why I was blessed and so many others have not been yet. My heart still breaks for those I love who are struggling for littles of their own. I know I did nothing to deserve this little boy and God blessed us anyway. Its like our Salvation. I did ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve my salvation, yet God blessed us anyway. What an amazing giving God we serve! To so generously give me my son, and His. I've been sitting in wonder of that lately. And so humbled and grateful as well.
My heavenly Father. Thank you for these precious gifts in my life! For a husband who loves me abundantly and unconditionally, for a home that protects me from life's storms, those silly fur babies that drive me nuts, a secure job that I enjoy, my miracle son that I get to hold and love on every day, and most importantly, for your Son and the salvation we have received because of Him. I'm so grateful and thankful....
I know many who read this are still waiting on their miracles. And please know that my heart has not forgotten, I KNOW where you are at, how you are feeling and hurting. I think today I just wanted to make a point of reminding us all to be THANKFUL for the blessings in our lives. Our precious spouses, homes, jobs. And my prayer is that I will be rejoicing with you soon on your own miracles.
No rhyme or reason today! Just random thoughts. Thank you to those of you who still come by to see if I've written. I see there have been tons of hits!! I'm honored!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Rainbow Babies...
I'm stealing this from a girl (Laura) on Hannah's Prayer. She had posted it about our miracle babies, and this is just the perfect words for this journey...
Short and sweet! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
RAINBOW BABIES
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."
Short and sweet! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
RAINBOW BABIES
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Promise...
I've not gone missing!! Life has been CRAZY! New job, new routine. I just can not keep up!! this working mom stuff is HARD! But I'm so in love!
I have a couple of started posts that I'll need to go back and finish...
For those who have checked on me, THANK YOU! It is appreciated! We are not gone, only detoured and running a bit on empty! :-)
However, before I go, I must say that I am the proud mommy of a SIX MONTH OLD today! I can't believe how the time has flown! He is sitting up, rolling forward and backward, eating all kinds of fruits and veggies, smiling, laughing, and just overall being the light of our lives! I'm abundantly blessed that I am so busy with MY SON! God is good!!!
So this quick post will be left with a video...Mr. Sam Chit Chattin'.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
I have a couple of started posts that I'll need to go back and finish...
For those who have checked on me, THANK YOU! It is appreciated! We are not gone, only detoured and running a bit on empty! :-)
However, before I go, I must say that I am the proud mommy of a SIX MONTH OLD today! I can't believe how the time has flown! He is sitting up, rolling forward and backward, eating all kinds of fruits and veggies, smiling, laughing, and just overall being the light of our lives! I'm abundantly blessed that I am so busy with MY SON! God is good!!!
So this quick post will be left with a video...Mr. Sam Chit Chattin'.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Samuel's Dedication...
Oh my, we have a son that we are dedicating to the Lord!! Oh Lord I never thought it possible, I had given up hope that this day would come! Yet we prepared today to return this precious child to you, and promise to raise him in Your name! Thank you Lord for this miracle boy!
The service was amazing. And appropriate as Pastor Tom spoke Honor and preached out of 1st and 2nd Samuel. What an honor! What another God thing! As this day had been postponed twice only to end up having dedication on the very weekend Pastor spoke on Samuel. You can actually watch the sermon here: Honoring What God Honors .
So our church does a beautiful thing for the dedicated children. They gave us a letter, a letter that we will give our son when he accepts Jesus into his heart. It tells of how his mommy and daddy brought him to the church to be dedicated before the people, promising to raise him in the Lord, and how he is a child of God. That he was loved before he could even understand the word, and that his church family lifted him up in prayer, rejoicing in the gift God had given to this world. How awesome is that? Plus he got his first bible. It was just amazing! I'm so humbled by the gift that God has given us!!!
We then celebrated at mom and dad's house. Had family over and a food and fellowship, celebrating this little boy. God is so good! Thank you for this gift dear Lord!!! Here are some photos. Have a blessed day in the Lord!
The service was amazing. And appropriate as Pastor Tom spoke Honor and preached out of 1st and 2nd Samuel. What an honor! What another God thing! As this day had been postponed twice only to end up having dedication on the very weekend Pastor spoke on Samuel. You can actually watch the sermon here: Honoring What God Honors .
So our church does a beautiful thing for the dedicated children. They gave us a letter, a letter that we will give our son when he accepts Jesus into his heart. It tells of how his mommy and daddy brought him to the church to be dedicated before the people, promising to raise him in the Lord, and how he is a child of God. That he was loved before he could even understand the word, and that his church family lifted him up in prayer, rejoicing in the gift God had given to this world. How awesome is that? Plus he got his first bible. It was just amazing! I'm so humbled by the gift that God has given us!!!
We then celebrated at mom and dad's house. Had family over and a food and fellowship, celebrating this little boy. God is so good! Thank you for this gift dear Lord!!! Here are some photos. Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Quiet Sunday Morning
I'm listening to both my guys snore. Its just lovely. No really, it is. :-) To hear the two guys in my life that I'm just utterly in love with. I'm beyond blessed! Its amazing to sit back and see the wonderful things God has given me! I wish I had words of gratitude for all I have been blessed with.
No real point to this post today. Just sittin' back and babbling away. We had a wonderful July 4th service at church yesterday. Our pastor was on fire for restoration in our country. I'm in complete agreement! Totally ready for our nation to return to the ways of the Lord. To bring Christ back to the heart of our country. Regardless, I'm so grateful to live in a free nation. And so thankful for those men/women who have fought for that freedom, continue to FIGHT for my freedom. I'm so thankful! Grateful I can blab on an open blog about My God and all He has done for me!! Thank you Lord for freedom!
Sammy is gettin' big. His 4 month check he was at 16 lb 7 oz and 25in long. He's got a big ol' head and the MD says he's just gonna be a big boy. That could go without saying!! Look at the height/weight of those he comes from!! Football player maybe? Ha! What a blessing this little boy is. I just have to pinch myself every day, truly remembering he is MINE. All mine! Thank you Jesus for him! What an amazing testament to the power of our Lord! My own little miracle. Ok not so little anymore. :-) Look how far we've come!
Crazy...Again no real rhyme or reason to my posting today. Just feel like thanking Jesus for all the gifts in my life. My husband, my son, my freedom, my family...Most importantly, MY SALVATION, because w/o that, nothing else matters! Thank you Lord for this journey you have taken me on! I can't wait to see what else is in store!
Happy Birthday America! May everyone have a fabulous 4th of July! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
No real point to this post today. Just sittin' back and babbling away. We had a wonderful July 4th service at church yesterday. Our pastor was on fire for restoration in our country. I'm in complete agreement! Totally ready for our nation to return to the ways of the Lord. To bring Christ back to the heart of our country. Regardless, I'm so grateful to live in a free nation. And so thankful for those men/women who have fought for that freedom, continue to FIGHT for my freedom. I'm so thankful! Grateful I can blab on an open blog about My God and all He has done for me!! Thank you Lord for freedom!
Sammy is gettin' big. His 4 month check he was at 16 lb 7 oz and 25in long. He's got a big ol' head and the MD says he's just gonna be a big boy. That could go without saying!! Look at the height/weight of those he comes from!! Football player maybe? Ha! What a blessing this little boy is. I just have to pinch myself every day, truly remembering he is MINE. All mine! Thank you Jesus for him! What an amazing testament to the power of our Lord! My own little miracle. Ok not so little anymore. :-) Look how far we've come!
Crazy...Again no real rhyme or reason to my posting today. Just feel like thanking Jesus for all the gifts in my life. My husband, my son, my freedom, my family...Most importantly, MY SALVATION, because w/o that, nothing else matters! Thank you Lord for this journey you have taken me on! I can't wait to see what else is in store!
Happy Birthday America! May everyone have a fabulous 4th of July! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Friday, June 17, 2011
What a special day!
Today marks one year that my son was created. Isn't that crazy that I know the date that my son was created?? Its funny to have a picture of a time that is normally hidden. Creation that is done in the silence of one's body. Something that only just recently advanced science has been able to witness. The creation of LIFE.
1 year ago today I was wheeled into an operating room where the weeks of hormones, shots, ultrasounds and bloodwork presented itself in the form of 10 eggs being removed from my ovaries. (its not a fun place, lemme tell ya) And then those eggs were mixed with Matt's guys (tee hee) and my little babies were formed! How AWESOME is that?? Life was created...MY CHILD'S LIFE.
Even tho its all so "medical". The intervention was not that of a marriage union, but one of needles and medicine, it still brought me this precious son I have in my arms! But to think, even with all this technology, science has yet to perfectly re-create pregnancy 100% of the time. If they could, there would be no IF, no broken hearts yearning for a child. Still in all this modern technology, God's masterful hand has to be in it. HE still has to breathe life into this creation. And I'm so very thankful that He did! Because I have my precious son!
So today I celebrate the creation of my child's life! ( and his 6 frozen embryo siblings) I'm so thankful that the beginning of this journey started today, 1 year ago. The journey to my son. Thank you so much Lord for this precious child of mine!!!
Have a blessed day in the LORD!
This is Sammy as a 5 day Blastocyte
And THAT turned into THIS. God's amazing CREATION!!!
1 year ago today I was wheeled into an operating room where the weeks of hormones, shots, ultrasounds and bloodwork presented itself in the form of 10 eggs being removed from my ovaries. (its not a fun place, lemme tell ya) And then those eggs were mixed with Matt's guys (tee hee) and my little babies were formed! How AWESOME is that?? Life was created...MY CHILD'S LIFE.
Even tho its all so "medical". The intervention was not that of a marriage union, but one of needles and medicine, it still brought me this precious son I have in my arms! But to think, even with all this technology, science has yet to perfectly re-create pregnancy 100% of the time. If they could, there would be no IF, no broken hearts yearning for a child. Still in all this modern technology, God's masterful hand has to be in it. HE still has to breathe life into this creation. And I'm so very thankful that He did! Because I have my precious son!
So today I celebrate the creation of my child's life! ( and his 6 frozen embryo siblings) I'm so thankful that the beginning of this journey started today, 1 year ago. The journey to my son. Thank you so much Lord for this precious child of mine!!!
Have a blessed day in the LORD!
This is Sammy as a 5 day Blastocyte
And THAT turned into THIS. God's amazing CREATION!!!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Busy busy busy!
I'm such a bad blogger! I'm so sorry my faithful readers. :-) But can you tell work started? Cuz I have NO TIME TO WRITE NOW!! LOL...I'm adjusting to being a working mom, but I'm grateful to have the means to care for my family!
First off, NEW JOB! God is so good. I'm working at Palms West Hospital again!!! I feel like I've come home. I LOVE working at the hospital!! Its such a joy! Hands on with the patients, AND I get pediatrics and adults. I'm working in ASU aka Ambulatory Surgery Unit. Basically we are the Pre-op department that you start in just prior to going into surgery. Its fast paced and wonderful ladies work there, and I'm enjoying it. Not to mention the fact that I only work 2-3 days a week and get to spend 4-5 days with Sammy! Its perfect! God is so good for bringing this job into our life!!!
Sammy is getting BIG! I don't know how much he weighs b/c he hasn't seen the Pedi, but I'd say a good 15lbs! He is developing such a personality and temper! He is starting to reach for stuff and LOVES to try and sit up and stand! I put together an exersaucer for him yesterday and he is almost tall enough for it, about 1/2 in too short! But I'm thinking it will be fabulous for him. He is relatively sleeping through the night, about 10-10.5 hrs a night? Trying to get on a napping schedule, but I'll be happy with sleeping through the night!! Oh and he is so full of personality, smiles and giggles. He loves to have conversations with anyone who will listen. He is such a joy! I'm in love with this little boy.
Mother's Day this year was so different then what we've had for the last 7 years. I spent it in Miami with my parents, aunties/uncle, cousins and of course my SON. MY SON, wow, those words are still so surreal to me. I'm a mom!! I have a precious little boy of my own!! Its so crazy to think about! And I'm truly grateful for this little boy in my life! What a precious blessing he is!
I enjoyed being able to celebrate MY mom, because she has stood by me for all these years, giving me the space I need, not forcing me to celebrate a heartbreaking day, being the generous loving mom that she is. Giving up her day for my peace. So to be able to celebrate this year, not just me now being a mom, but finally celebrating together MY mom, it was a blessing. I'm so blessed to have her in my life! She is just the most understanding, kindest, gentlest, most loving person in the world!!! And lucky me, I GET HER FOR A MOMMY!! I'm so lucky! I love her with every breath I breathe! Thank you Lord for this precious lady in my life! My son is blessed to have her for a Nana.
Well , its not much of an update, but I wanted to show that I am still here! Nothing real profound to say, but grateful for the oppurtunity to say it! ;-) Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Mothers-to-be Day
I was scanning through Facebook when I noticed a post from our IVF clinic. I love how they post notes of encouragement, hope and just good ol' heart filling tidbits. They are just fabulous like that! They make it not just about "come get treatment here! Give us thousands of dollars!! We are the best!" blah blah blah. Their bottom line is not about the $$ but about the success and truly bring joy to those who desperately want a child. They are pretty awesome like that...
Anyway, so I noticed today that they posted a note for "Mothers-to-be Day". Intriguing thought, so of course I went to read it. It was just so encouraging, I had to post it here....ENJOY!
She broke the bread into two fragments, and gave them to the children, who ate with avidity. “She has kept none for herself,” grumbled the sergeant. “Because she is not hungry,” said a soldier. “Because she is a mother,” said the sergeant. – Victor Hugo
Anyway, so I noticed today that they posted a note for "Mothers-to-be Day". Intriguing thought, so of course I went to read it. It was just so encouraging, I had to post it here....ENJOY!
She broke the bread into two fragments, and gave them to the children, who ate with avidity. “She has kept none for herself,” grumbled the sergeant. “Because she is not hungry,” said a soldier. “Because she is a mother,” said the sergeant. – Victor Hugo
The other day I ran into another one of those patients that always makes me smile when I see her. She brought me up to date on what was happening in her life. It was a story of debilitating pain and multiple surgeries to try and relieve the pain. Instead of relief she developed a tumor in the area that required more surgery. In the end she was still in just as much pain and on chronic medications for it. I expressed my heartfelt sympathy for what she has had to go through. She smiled and said she’s fine and that she is almost off of the pain medications because she is planning to come to see me soon to try to have another baby. She was coming off of the medications not because she didn’t have pain, she was coming off of the medication because she wanted to have another baby. I looked into her eyes – and her smile and realized I am a better person for knowing her.
Mother’s day is upon us. It is not that welcome of a holiday for my patients. Gifts passed out at church or given by a well meaning spouse do little to fill the void of yearning that brings them to my office. We hear stories about the great love, sacrifice and courage that mother’s have for their children, but little is said about the incredible love, sacrifice and courage of my “mothers-to-be”.
It takes incredible courage to acknowledge that there is even a problem. We all want to believe that we are in control of our lives and to acknowledge that there is a fertility problem is to internalize a lack of control over this incredibly sensitive part of their lives.
It takes courage to seek medical attention. No one likes to see doctors (I’m over a year late for my colonoscopy), and the trip to the fertility doctor is a particularly difficult journey.
It takes courage to undergo procedures that are not comfortable and are in an area where discomfort is particularly unwanted.
It takes courage to face the possibility of disappointment. Studies have shown that when a woman experiencing infertility has a period, indicating that once again she is not pregnant, she experiences the same degree of grief as if her brother or sister had just died. Most of us will go through that only once or twice in our lifetime. Imagine going through that every month for years. Then imagine going through a specific procedure to get pregnant and having it not work.
It takes courage to hope that it will work the first time and proceed , and even greater courage to experience a failed attempt and then turn around and have the courage to hope again.
These women undergo great sacrifices.
They sacrifice the intimacy of what was supposed to be a wonderful and intensely personal experience with their partner for a doctor’s office.
They sacrifice time on often repetitive visits for monitoring and procedures.
They sacrifice financial resources as they struggle to have something that everyone around them seems to receive without thought and sometimes with disdain.
They sacrifice personal comfort, sometimes thinking that if they experience pain, they will be more worthy of the “gain” they so desperately seek.
Why? Why do they do this? They do this for the same reason the mother gives her bread and goes without. They do it for love. The only difference is that they do it for a deep abiding love for a child that they have not yet held, a voice they have not yet heard, a smile they have not yet seen, and a touch they have not yet felt.
My smiling patient had experienced infertility for 10 months when she came to see me. It was clear that each passing month was difficult. She had endometriosis and her husband had a sperm problem. We unfortunately discovered that her biological clock was more advanced than it should have been. When two months of inseminations failed, she went immediately to IVF. She required high doses of medication to produce 9 eggs but only made 4 embryos. One of them would be her beautiful baby boy.
Sixteen months after delivery, she was back for a brother or sister. She did IVF again. Similar story with a positive pregnancy test but then the pregnancy hormone dropped, leaving her with what is called a “biochemical pregnancy”. The pain from her medical condition had reached a peak and she had to stop infertility treatment to pursue that. She returned two years later after many surgeries and no relief in her pain with the intent to continue but could not. She returns now two years later having experienced a tumor where her pain surgeries had been and having had an additional 7 biochemical pregnancies – and she still wears a smile. She is the epitome of the courage, sacrifice, and love that characterizes mothers in general and the “mothers-to-be” that I have the privilege of associating with every day.
To each of them and to mother’s everywhere, Happy Mother’s day!
Drew V. Moffitt, M.D., FACOG, is the co-medical director of the Arizona Reproductive Medicine Specialists (ARMS), the director of the Division of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center and an assistant professor at the University of Arizona. He is now president of ARMS and director of the Division of Reproductive Medicine and infertility for the residency program at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center. Dr. Moffitt has significant clinical experience in assisted reproductive technologies and reproductive surgery.
How awesome is that?? And so true!!! I hope you find some encouragement today, just as I did... Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Monday, April 25, 2011
National Infertility Awareness Week
Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week
IF has changed us forever. Even though Sammy is now here, we continue to stand beside all of those whose arms ache and long to hold a child of their own, whose hearts grieve the children born the other side of heaven, and those whose journey is not yet over. We will not forget how incredibly blessed we are and will not stop praying for those who are still waiting...
Stand beside that person in your life who is walking this journey. Hold them, pray for them, hug them. Remind them that even if you do not understand their journey, you are there for them. I will never EVER forget...
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
IF has changed us forever. Even though Sammy is now here, we continue to stand beside all of those whose arms ache and long to hold a child of their own, whose hearts grieve the children born the other side of heaven, and those whose journey is not yet over. We will not forget how incredibly blessed we are and will not stop praying for those who are still waiting...
Stand beside that person in your life who is walking this journey. Hold them, pray for them, hug them. Remind them that even if you do not understand their journey, you are there for them. I will never EVER forget...
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I have to share....
Lookie what I got today!!!
Tons of smiles and cooing! Sammy had his 8 week appt today. I have such a big boy!!! He is up 2lbs in 3 weeks!! He is now 11lbs 14 oz 22.5 in long!
He did so good w/his shots, screamed bloody murder, but calmed down real easily. I on the other hand, my poor mommy heart! Some tears, but we survived!
BUT OH MY before our appt, he broke out into big ol' smiles! And giggling and cooing with the smiles and staring at me! OH it melted my heart!!! It lasted for like a 1/2 hr while I was on the phone with my mommy! It was so amazing! Oh I am in love with him!! He is just so precious! Praise you Jesus for this miracle!
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Tons of smiles and cooing! Sammy had his 8 week appt today. I have such a big boy!!! He is up 2lbs in 3 weeks!! He is now 11lbs 14 oz 22.5 in long!
He did so good w/his shots, screamed bloody murder, but calmed down real easily. I on the other hand, my poor mommy heart! Some tears, but we survived!
BUT OH MY before our appt, he broke out into big ol' smiles! And giggling and cooing with the smiles and staring at me! OH it melted my heart!!! It lasted for like a 1/2 hr while I was on the phone with my mommy! It was so amazing! Oh I am in love with him!! He is just so precious! Praise you Jesus for this miracle!
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Transition, Healing and Inspiration...
Hello my friends!! Oh my, life is crazy, exhausting, but oh my heart is so full! Sammy is 6 almost 7 weeks old. He is growing like a weed, bright eyed (BLUE eyes I might add) and starting to smile. My mommy heart is just melting as I watch him grow and change every day... I'm truly blessed to have this little boy in my life!!
This is gonna be looooong. Get some coffee or a small snack before you sit down to start reading! :-)
I'm thankful for maternity leave because lemme tell ya, besides the physical exhaustion, I'm emotionally and spiritually zapped as well! My brain has been trying to write a post for several days now, but I keep getting interrupted. Mom told me to give the baby to Matt and sit down and write. So that is what I am trying to do! HA! (all tho it still took me a couple days!)
The last few days, specifically Friday through today (Tuesday) has been a WHIRLWIND of emotions and stuff. I don't know if I can make this make sense, but I'm going to try.
On Friday I was chatting with Matt. Mother's day (MD) is approaching, and even though I am a mother, I find myself struggling with the day. Crazy right? I need to be happy I'm a mom doggone it and I need to "get over" the fact that I WAS infertile and am now NOT. Sounds simple enough. And for some who have walked this journey, maybe that transition was easy for them, maybe its because I'm still so new in this identity that I'm not quite there yet. Still living on adrenaline and caffeine really!
I've been the "IF chick" for over 7 years. That is an identity that has defined me in every way shape and form: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've spent years hiding on MD, running from the approaching pg belly, ducking out of baby showers, avoiding mother's gatherings and spending the days protecting my very sensitive, IF heart. I've grieved and hurt and struggled for YEARS, been through loss of hope, anger, frustration and despair. And now, it feels all of a sudden, that identity has DRASTICALLY changed. I AM A MOM. Obviously mentally I'm quite aware, and physically as well (considering I spend my days being MILKED like Bessie the Cow). However emotionally? I haven't caught up. I struggle with residual pain, uncertainty and years of wounds that just don't miraculously "heal" because I now have a baby. Sammy is not a magical band aid that cures years of pain and to expect him to is much to big of a burden for such a little person. Besides, my healing needs to come from Christ alone. Does having a child help? Oh absolutely without a doubt! But I still need to work through the junk that IF leaves behind, and in only Him alone can I succeed. It amazes me how IF even intertwines in THIS part of my life, being a mom...
That said, God is working on me! He is helping me to TRANSITION into who I am as a mother to this precious little boy. He is throwing people in my life who are helping me! On Saturday, I went to my friend G's house for a "family" Easter egg hunt. Huh something I'd have avoided like the plague up til now. G is also a fellow IF chick, now the proud mom of 3 1/2 miracles. G called me up and told me I needed to be around other mommies. I need some adult/family time, learn to be in this new phase of my life. So I bundled up Sammy and my nerves and went to her house. And God love her, she totally welcomed me into the mess-ah kids and moms and dads. She shared our story briefly and I was welcomed with open arms. Score one for being a Mommy! I tackled my first "mommy" outing. WOW, I love how God gives me just who and what I need!
So this lead to Sunday and a 2 1/2 hr conversation with my mom on the phone. (I love her, she is just the bestest BFF in the world). I was explaining to mom how God is showing me and helping me to transition into this new life role of being a mom. Helping my emotional to catch up to my mental and physical. I shared with her the struggles I was having with MD, not only b/c of the past difficulties I've had with the holiday, but also knowing that there are hurting hearts that are going to be struggling that day, and I just can't forget those that have not moved on yet. Those who are still waiting, arms still aching, hearts still hurting as they hold on to what thread of hope they have left. MY heart is breaking FOR THEM. What makes me so special that God allowed me to move forward while they are still having to wait. It's a hard place to be.
But my mom reminded me that, just like I had to do when it was me watching someone move forward while I had to wait, I can not let someone elses heartache decrease the joy of MY miracle. I can't allow satan to steal my joy for the son that God has given me. I will forever be able to understand and empathize with an IFer, my journey will always be there in the background. It is part of who I am. It has molded and shaped me into the woman/daughter/wife/mother that I am today. That will never change. However I can not diminish my joy because I am just robbing myself, my husband, my son, our family of the essence of this miracle. And diminishing my joy will not help anyone who is walking this IF journey. If I allow it, satan wins. Instead it is time for me to HEAL. Time for me to just sit in the presence of Jesus, praising Him for the miracles in our life! WOW powerful stuff right??
I told mom that day that I wished that there would be SOMETHING good that came of all those years of heartache. Of course Sammy is "something good" but I mean that it wasn't in vain. That our IF journey, all that we went through was not in vain and ultimately that God would receive the glory in all things. That just by God using our journey to help one life, that will make it all worth it, b/c then God can be glorified in the heartache and the pain.
I was breezing through our blog, the months prior to finding out about the IVF coverage, and came across this post I'd written...Funny how I don't always remember writing stuff, but how I can look back and God slaps me silly all over again, reminding me why I do this, why I pour my heart out to the world wide web. I had posted Psalm 40, but it was verses 1-5 that hit me when I read them again, and what I'd written...
Psalm 40
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.
Now for those who know me, know US, has God not shown us amazing blessings? Just rocked us with shocking WOW times, right??? Verse 5 just totally is a psalm of "us". I love this psalm, it may be one of my new life "verses"...I pray that verse 3 is that the miracle will happen and those who are around to see it, will know the ONLY WAY was that God stepped in and intervened...
Man my God has stepped in and intervened!!! Which leads me to Inspiration. All I've ever desired from this blog is to be a shining light for Jesus. That maybe, just maybe, by sharing our hearts cry, our story of struggle, sacrifice and redemption, that God may use it for His glory. That someone "may see what He has done and be amazed", and they "will put their trust in the Lord". It would make all of it, every single step of the last 7+ years worth it. And God would be praised.
And my God is just awesome, because not only does he hear my hearts cry, answer my prayers and hold me in His arms, he again shows that He is working in my life. Every day, right this moment. On Monday I received a note from a lovely lady, Mrs. C, who has been following our blog and recently started posting to it and sharing HER life with me. (she lives in Ireland by the way) I am humbled that someone on the other side of the world would take interest in our life. She had asked if she could post a link to our blog on her blog, to share some of our journey with her world. I had said yes, not thinking anything of it. Oh my, she absolutely knocked my socks off!! This precious lady wrote the most humbling and heartfelt post that has left me in tears. (I'll post the link at the end) Simply put, she wrote that our blog was the inspiration for her blog and why she is sharing her life with the world. That maybe, just maybe, someone down the road, may be encouraged by her life's journey just as she was encouraged by our journey. Being an outstretched hand of God.
Just the day before I had told mom, that just one life touched by Jesus, one GOOD thing to come of our heartache, and it wouldn't be a journey in vain. And the NEXT DAY, God showed us that He continues to be faithful, and "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord". ALL THINGS work together for good!! ALL THINGS! My IF is not in vain, my heartache is NOT in vain, our journey was NOT IN VAIN! GOOD has come from all of this! Praise Jesus!
What a journey! What momentous ah-ha time in my life!! I'm transforming into this new being, this new stage in my life while all along God is continuing to inspire. What I prayed would be used to help someone else's life, turned around and is helping me. I can finally say, it is OK for me to change, OK for me to transform, OK to let go of heartache that I've held on to for so long. And because of that, it is OK for me to FINALLY start to heal.
What a mighty God I serve!! Have a blessed day in the Lord...
LINK to the post from Mrs. C. Check out her blog and her reason for it's name. She is an amazing writer.
This is gonna be looooong. Get some coffee or a small snack before you sit down to start reading! :-)
I'm thankful for maternity leave because lemme tell ya, besides the physical exhaustion, I'm emotionally and spiritually zapped as well! My brain has been trying to write a post for several days now, but I keep getting interrupted. Mom told me to give the baby to Matt and sit down and write. So that is what I am trying to do! HA! (all tho it still took me a couple days!)
The last few days, specifically Friday through today (Tuesday) has been a WHIRLWIND of emotions and stuff. I don't know if I can make this make sense, but I'm going to try.
On Friday I was chatting with Matt. Mother's day (MD) is approaching, and even though I am a mother, I find myself struggling with the day. Crazy right? I need to be happy I'm a mom doggone it and I need to "get over" the fact that I WAS infertile and am now NOT. Sounds simple enough. And for some who have walked this journey, maybe that transition was easy for them, maybe its because I'm still so new in this identity that I'm not quite there yet. Still living on adrenaline and caffeine really!
I've been the "IF chick" for over 7 years. That is an identity that has defined me in every way shape and form: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've spent years hiding on MD, running from the approaching pg belly, ducking out of baby showers, avoiding mother's gatherings and spending the days protecting my very sensitive, IF heart. I've grieved and hurt and struggled for YEARS, been through loss of hope, anger, frustration and despair. And now, it feels all of a sudden, that identity has DRASTICALLY changed. I AM A MOM. Obviously mentally I'm quite aware, and physically as well (considering I spend my days being MILKED like Bessie the Cow). However emotionally? I haven't caught up. I struggle with residual pain, uncertainty and years of wounds that just don't miraculously "heal" because I now have a baby. Sammy is not a magical band aid that cures years of pain and to expect him to is much to big of a burden for such a little person. Besides, my healing needs to come from Christ alone. Does having a child help? Oh absolutely without a doubt! But I still need to work through the junk that IF leaves behind, and in only Him alone can I succeed. It amazes me how IF even intertwines in THIS part of my life, being a mom...
That said, God is working on me! He is helping me to TRANSITION into who I am as a mother to this precious little boy. He is throwing people in my life who are helping me! On Saturday, I went to my friend G's house for a "family" Easter egg hunt. Huh something I'd have avoided like the plague up til now. G is also a fellow IF chick, now the proud mom of 3 1/2 miracles. G called me up and told me I needed to be around other mommies. I need some adult/family time, learn to be in this new phase of my life. So I bundled up Sammy and my nerves and went to her house. And God love her, she totally welcomed me into the mess-ah kids and moms and dads. She shared our story briefly and I was welcomed with open arms. Score one for being a Mommy! I tackled my first "mommy" outing. WOW, I love how God gives me just who and what I need!
So this lead to Sunday and a 2 1/2 hr conversation with my mom on the phone. (I love her, she is just the bestest BFF in the world). I was explaining to mom how God is showing me and helping me to transition into this new life role of being a mom. Helping my emotional to catch up to my mental and physical. I shared with her the struggles I was having with MD, not only b/c of the past difficulties I've had with the holiday, but also knowing that there are hurting hearts that are going to be struggling that day, and I just can't forget those that have not moved on yet. Those who are still waiting, arms still aching, hearts still hurting as they hold on to what thread of hope they have left. MY heart is breaking FOR THEM. What makes me so special that God allowed me to move forward while they are still having to wait. It's a hard place to be.
But my mom reminded me that, just like I had to do when it was me watching someone move forward while I had to wait, I can not let someone elses heartache decrease the joy of MY miracle. I can't allow satan to steal my joy for the son that God has given me. I will forever be able to understand and empathize with an IFer, my journey will always be there in the background. It is part of who I am. It has molded and shaped me into the woman/daughter/wife/mother that I am today. That will never change. However I can not diminish my joy because I am just robbing myself, my husband, my son, our family of the essence of this miracle. And diminishing my joy will not help anyone who is walking this IF journey. If I allow it, satan wins. Instead it is time for me to HEAL. Time for me to just sit in the presence of Jesus, praising Him for the miracles in our life! WOW powerful stuff right??
I told mom that day that I wished that there would be SOMETHING good that came of all those years of heartache. Of course Sammy is "something good" but I mean that it wasn't in vain. That our IF journey, all that we went through was not in vain and ultimately that God would receive the glory in all things. That just by God using our journey to help one life, that will make it all worth it, b/c then God can be glorified in the heartache and the pain.
I was breezing through our blog, the months prior to finding out about the IVF coverage, and came across this post I'd written...Funny how I don't always remember writing stuff, but how I can look back and God slaps me silly all over again, reminding me why I do this, why I pour my heart out to the world wide web. I had posted Psalm 40, but it was verses 1-5 that hit me when I read them again, and what I'd written...
Psalm 40
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.
Now for those who know me, know US, has God not shown us amazing blessings? Just rocked us with shocking WOW times, right??? Verse 5 just totally is a psalm of "us". I love this psalm, it may be one of my new life "verses"...I pray that verse 3 is that the miracle will happen and those who are around to see it, will know the ONLY WAY was that God stepped in and intervened...
Man my God has stepped in and intervened!!! Which leads me to Inspiration. All I've ever desired from this blog is to be a shining light for Jesus. That maybe, just maybe, by sharing our hearts cry, our story of struggle, sacrifice and redemption, that God may use it for His glory. That someone "may see what He has done and be amazed", and they "will put their trust in the Lord". It would make all of it, every single step of the last 7+ years worth it. And God would be praised.
And my God is just awesome, because not only does he hear my hearts cry, answer my prayers and hold me in His arms, he again shows that He is working in my life. Every day, right this moment. On Monday I received a note from a lovely lady, Mrs. C, who has been following our blog and recently started posting to it and sharing HER life with me. (she lives in Ireland by the way) I am humbled that someone on the other side of the world would take interest in our life. She had asked if she could post a link to our blog on her blog, to share some of our journey with her world. I had said yes, not thinking anything of it. Oh my, she absolutely knocked my socks off!! This precious lady wrote the most humbling and heartfelt post that has left me in tears. (I'll post the link at the end) Simply put, she wrote that our blog was the inspiration for her blog and why she is sharing her life with the world. That maybe, just maybe, someone down the road, may be encouraged by her life's journey just as she was encouraged by our journey. Being an outstretched hand of God.
Just the day before I had told mom, that just one life touched by Jesus, one GOOD thing to come of our heartache, and it wouldn't be a journey in vain. And the NEXT DAY, God showed us that He continues to be faithful, and "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord". ALL THINGS work together for good!! ALL THINGS! My IF is not in vain, my heartache is NOT in vain, our journey was NOT IN VAIN! GOOD has come from all of this! Praise Jesus!
What a journey! What momentous ah-ha time in my life!! I'm transforming into this new being, this new stage in my life while all along God is continuing to inspire. What I prayed would be used to help someone else's life, turned around and is helping me. I can finally say, it is OK for me to change, OK for me to transform, OK to let go of heartache that I've held on to for so long. And because of that, it is OK for me to FINALLY start to heal.
What a mighty God I serve!! Have a blessed day in the Lord...
LINK to the post from Mrs. C. Check out her blog and her reason for it's name. She is an amazing writer.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Just some pictures...
Sammy will be 4 weeks old on Friday. Holy MOLY!!! He is going through a major growth spurt right now and sucking the life out of mommy! Oiy...But he is still cute as can be! Have no idea how much he weighs, but he feels 9lbs already!!! He'll be out of newborn diapers in a week if that. Thankfully the diaper fairies had given us CASES of size 1 and 2 diapers, so we are set for a while! YAY Praise God! Even in this, God has provided!! We are truly blessed!
First here is a link to his newborn session by Jamilah's Creative Touch. You'll have to make a sign into Pictage, but you'll be able to see the photos. (I think you can see my maternity photos too).
Sammy's Newborn Photos
And here is some randomness. Snuggles, bath time, and just plain cute! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
First here is a link to his newborn session by Jamilah's Creative Touch. You'll have to make a sign into Pictage, but you'll be able to see the photos. (I think you can see my maternity photos too).
Sammy's Newborn Photos
And here is some randomness. Snuggles, bath time, and just plain cute! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
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