OK I'm calmer now...

So I know I went a bit postal on my last post, but hey, it is my hope that through tall this I can help to educate and hopefully help some person GET this journey we are on!!! The only way to do that sometimes is to lay it all on the table! The truth hurts, and the situation hurts, but there is times when it is OK to just be bleh.

And like I thought, I was OK on Monday and feeling better this week. Sunday was just a hard day for me. I enjoyed hiding under my rock, ate some yummy chocolate, cried at Lifetime movies, and over all was A-OK the next day. And in fact I took my mommy out today and she and I had lunch then went shopping! We had a wonderful day! She is such a blessing in my life!

I've had a very crazy productive week. Its amazing how much better I am feeling physcially! I haven't felt this good in I can't even tell you how long! I have more energy, I sleep less, I feel better, I'm down a total of just about 20lbs and I JUST FEEL GOOD! I was looking at a goofy picture that I took with our computer and I'm dirty and gross and shiny b/c of being, well, gross and hot from outside. But my face, my eyes, I look so much better! I can see it, my husband sees it, my family, shoot even my students can see it! crazy...

Its nuts b/c I think my body is even trying to expel all the nasties in it. For example (and those on Facebook would have seen this): my foot started hurting last weekend. It was sore to walk on and by Monday after work it HURT. So being the good little nurse, I went investigating. Found a huge pustule on the bottom under the ring toe. So I milked it and all this nasty pus came out, and that sucker HURT. Kept milking it, trying to get the gross out so I could get better and low and behold a 1 1/2 in straight pin came flying out!! I am not lying! 4 years ago, yes YEARS, I stepped on a straight pin that came from a Christmas ball that joy had eaten in our room. My foot had gotten all infected and stuff, took antibiotics, and then all was fine. Didn't know the pin was IN there. Outside of some tenderness to the area, it felt fine these last 4 years!!! I am still in shock that it came out!! Or that it was in there for so long! Good golly...But my foot feels great now! Guess my body is tired of feeling bad and is getting rid of everything ICKY.

Let's see. Its been a crazy week of $$ issues, both cars broke down, the computer needed replacing, my car needed tires, not to mention the regular bills and food shopping. But we've gotten everything to where it needs to be, and I'm just thanking God for the resources to pay for stuff. All though my checkbook is very very tired from expelling so much money!! BLEH

I am very random tonight. Let's see 12 more days of school! Praise God almighty! I'm so ready for this year to be over. Its been one thing after the other not to mention all the work drama since February. I am working on "fixing" that situation, but I can not post anymore then that b/c this is a public site. Just continue to keep us in your prayers as we work through the drama.

OK Matt is yelling he wants to go to bed and I'm keeping him up. So on this very random note of a post, I'm off to bed. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

ARGH!!!!

You know, I've been SO busy with life and health and work and all that I have not really had time to think about our IF and how frustrating it is coming in to our 6th year of trying to have a child. But of course, Mother's day is tomorrow and the frustration level in me is about through the roof!

I'm trying to be patient and understanding to those who are naive, or ignorant to our situation. Trying to educate along the way, and forgive for unintentional situations that may occur. But I'm losing patience. ARGH.

Example: The other day my friend innocently sent me a link to something infant/toddler related. Very innocent, by no means trying to hurt my feelings. She would NEVER EVER do that. So I commented back that you know, really? You needed to send me this particular link? She responded very apologetic and I took the opportunity to educate her on IF "ethics" for lack of a better term. That to send me a link for this is like poking the proverbial bruise. It stings the heart to see something so very much not a part of my life, and it hurts, however silly that may seem. So she apologized and I of course have no issue, and in fact thought, "Score one for the IF team, I got my point across!".

But alas, the comment was not left at that, she responded with a "I wish you wouldn't think about it and just be happy." Um yea me too. But unfortunately this is not something you can hide from (however hard we may try). Reminders and "bruise poking" are all around. And unless I stuff myself into a trunk and stay there for the rest of my life, I will always be surrounded by reminders. I can't NOT think about it. Have you ever looked around and seen how vast the sea of preggie bellies and babies extends? Its amazing! And heartbreaking. Do I let it take my joy, my happiness? Certainly not, but does it hurt? HELL YEA!! It hurts like crazy!!! And I just learn to live through the pain and heartache, and hope I make it to the next day.

See with Mother's Day being tomorrow, I'm reminded 10x more of what I'm missing. I'm frustrated and irritable and HURTING inside and the stinkin' "just get over it" or "do this this and this and you'll feel better" crap is just not cutting it! I can't seem to get it through people's thick skulls...

INFERTILITY SUCKS! AND IT HURTS!!!

Showering my mother with gifts and attention, going to church and rubbing my open wounds in babies and celebrations of "the mother", or pretending everything is fine when it ISN'T will NOT FIX MY PAIN! In fact it will probably worsen it and have a longer lasting affect. There is no quick fix, no cure for the pain that comes from IF, people!! Don't tell someone that just ignoring the giant polka dotted elephant in the room will make you FEEL BETTER. It WON'T!!!

I'm grateful and blessed that I have a mom AND a mom in law that are sensitive to my hurting heart and how difficult this time of year is for me. And the fact that it worsens every year that my arms are empty...sigh.

SO tomorrow, I am staying home from church, we have already given cards to our mom's, and I plan on hiding under a rock with a big box of chocolate. And you know what? As disturbed as that may sound to the non IFer, or to someone with arms full of squirmy adorable babies, it is OK. I am allowed to take a day and hide under a rock, and just b/c I do, doesn't mean that I'm nuts or not OK. I will be fine, on Monday...

Have a blessed day in the Lord.