Friday, May 24, 2013


My new favorite word! Praise God I only have "fibroadenoma". Basically a BENIGN mass!!!


A LONG couple of days waiting for the biopsy to occur and ultimately for the results. I still need to monitor myself closely and have the follow up mammograms, but for today CANCER is not a part of MY health and life.


But man, it got me doing so much contemplating and thinking and wondering about how my life would change, how things would be, what would now lie ahead. And ultimately, releasing that control to God, and letting Him guide our path. Not an easy feat for sure.

I have so many things to be thankful for, and yet I forget that from time to time. Nothing like facing the big "C" to give your life some perspective and remember the good God has done in your life!

~I have an amazing husband, loving, kind and generous of his time and gifts. My helpmate that has stood (um sat?) by me in times of need, heartache and female insanity.

~I have a beautiful son, my precious gift, my Sam- "asked of God and given". He's healthy and smart and such a joy in my life.

~I have an amazing family both through blood and through marriage, who support me and love me.

~I have a job and a BEAUTIFUL roof over my head. I have sunrises that sparkle and dance on the lake every morning, and sunsets that blaze the sky every evening.

~I have an everlasting salvation and love of a savior that is beyond what my earthly mind can comprehend.


I urge you to look at the beauty in your life!! Do not wait for the "scare" to evaluate all the wonderful blessings around you. Yes I know I sound all sappy, but hey! Cancer is scary, and it SCARED some sense into me! So I'm offering that sense to you. In all things, GOD IS STILL GOOD...

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

The Unknown...

Hmm, I will type before coming up with a title, because I don't know what to title this post. We haven't really said anything to anyone, but we have been dealing with a terrifying possibility.

I have a mass in my left breast.

It all started as some soreness and finding a lump. 5 days ago I went for my first ever mammogram and u/s, where the lump I found was nothing (praise God!), but we have found another. And unfortunately its solid (not cystic) and suspicious. So I be-bopped my way to the breast surgeon and I am scheduled for a needle biopsy on Wednesday (5/22). It has been a whirlwind of a week!

I'm 34 y/o and I am facing the possibility of, gulp, cancer.

Now of course there is a nice chance that it will be just a benign mass that is being a pest and of course that is our hope and prayer! But just the possibility brings an overwhelming, uncontrollable fear. It is messing with my routine, my sleep (hence the 1230am typing) and just flat out scares the CRAP out of me.

The surgeons extra concern is because of the hormones I took for IVF, and the vast increase of Estrogen in my body for the IVF process. Great IF could come back and bite me in the butt for this too, seriously?? Can't a girl catch a break?


So my husband, by my side, has been walking (er um rolling) me through this process. Standing (sitting) beside me while I freak out, do OK, then have a mini melt down at 2 in the morning. I know that God is in control, I know that God will walk us through whatever we have to face, I know that nothing happens that hasn't sifted through His hands, but I. AM. SCARED.

To think I yearned for my little boy for so long and the very thing that brought him to me could cause me illness makes me frustrated and angry. Its really NOT fair. Yes I know life's not fair, but for the love of God, gimme a break already!

And, hopefully chances are, it will be nothing. My prayer and desire is for it to be nothing! I have a love/hate relationship with my breasts anyway, but I don't want to contemplate losing either one without it being on MY terms. So this needs to be nothing. :-)

So here we are, facing the possibility of a new chapter in our life. A scary chapter. A chapter of "the unknown". (Hey look at that, that can be the title) OR, life could continue on as usual!

Right now, I'm just ready for it to be Wednesday!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

A dream realized. A dream so longed for, so prayed for, so wanted. And today, I have a dream realized. As I type this that dream is crawling around on the floor, barking at Joy and wearing his daddy's shoes, full of life and spunk. :-)

I'm so thankful for the little boy that is in my arms. I have been entrusted with him, to raise him, love him, show him how to love our Lord and mold him in to an amazing man of God.  He is my beautiful miracle, he dances with freedom and not a lick of concern to what others think of him, he tries my patience and has learned how to get away with things with his daddy. He is MY ultimate joy. I have never known a love so great, so deep and so unconditional as the love of my child, second only to my Father's love and the love of my husband. I am truly blessed.

I braved Mother's Day service at church yesterday. Because, even with this miracle in my arms, my heart yearns for another little one. Over a year has passed since we officially started "trying" again on our own, even though we know it will take a miracle by ourselves. We are trying to wait, patiently, for God's direction on how He will expand our family. And waiting is hard, and it hurts. And yet our lives are full.

IF has left its mark on my heart, I am forever changed by this journey, forever scarred. I struggle with the intense yearning for a second child, for the completion of our little family, for the second one we pray for every day, just like we pray for Sam. Yet I am full of guilt and grief for even contemplating that my heart hurts, that my journey is a struggle, that I have sadness that I don't have another little one when there is one in my arms. That, is the mark of secondary infertility.  A monster rearing its ugly head, but in the silence, in the dark corners of my heart where no one can see. I feel ugly and torn by this journey, broken in two by the conflict of joy and heartache. But it battles quietly in the stillness of my heart, because in THIS ache I NEVER want to sound ungrateful.  Because I am TRULY blessed by this little boy in my arms. But my heart hurts, and breaks again every month that I am confirmed to not have a pregnancy in me.

I've only gone to maybe 3 services for Mother's day in the last decade. Last year and this year were the two most recent. I walked through the doors in tears, already struggling within myself. Being able to raise my hand and say, "YES! I am a mother!", but knowing this deep quiet yearning inside me is thriving and growing each day. Most of the time its just a day to celebrate the moms, something VERY important, without a doubt. I have an amazing mom and I love being able to celebrate her! She is my lifeline in times of need, I can't imagine life without her.

But this service was different...Our pastor stood and asked if he could pray for the other women in the congregation. The women who are waiting, grieving, hoping for their children. The ones whose arms are so heavy with emptiness and yearning for children in their arms. Oh how I cried, sobbed really. The women in front of me probably thought I was nuts as they passed me the tissues. Oh how I could relate!!! I REMEMBER being the one with empty arms, feeling forgotten and overlooked on Mother's day, and knowing so many that are STILL waiting, my heart hopes with them, prays with them and so deeply grieves with them. And then my own pain breaks through and knocks the wind out of me. How dare I? How dare I even begin to hurt! Is it not unfair that my arms are full and theirs are still waiting??? And the vicious, ugly, conflicted cycle continues.

I am very blessed to have women in my life who love me so unconditionally. And can help me in this kind of conflict. Who knew that my dear friend G would have to be walking THIS part of our IF journey with me as well!!! She was a life force, a true corner stone in our IF journey and through the IVF and finally to Sam. And now I find myself leaning on her again as we struggle, silently, in our SI journey. I'm so grateful she is patient with me, and allows me a place to unload the silence.

I messaged her, yes while in church, and her words hit home... need to feel bad about feeling sad... Just because you are grateful for Sammy doesn't negate your very real need and normal desire to have more than one child. No one would ever tell a person who didn't struggle with infertility that they were ungrateful for what they have if they wanted a second but us IFs feel guilty if we want what is normal for most. No guilt sweetie. Your dreams are real, your pain is real and you have reason to be sad EVEN when you are glad and grateful for Sammy. Nothing wrong with being human...

Thank you Lord for this woman in my life! There is something about validation with what you are feeling. Being told "it's OK!!" to feel what you are feeling. Needless to say the flood gates opened with this. Well continued to flood. In fact tears are flowing now. I am a mother, but it is OK for me to hurt within this struggle.

Maybe we are on this new round of an IF journey for us to again try and help those in our place. Those who have "graduated" yet are hurting, just like us. I don't like this roller coaster, and would rather get off please, but the desire for completion of our family is a much stronger urge.

If you have made it this far, I bless you. Because I know that I'm all kinds of jumbled confusion. Believe me I know it. I read it and become even more confused!! :-) But it is helpful, healing and a tad cathartic for me to type all this nonsense out. Just as it once was on our journey to Sam.

For my PI buds, for those still waiting, who have lost their littles and are waiting for their arms to be full, I don't forget, I continue to pray for you daily...I ask that you be patient with me on THIS journey for us.

Happy Mother's Day. Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Time to post...

And time for some updates to the blog!!

I plan on doing some doodling, updating the blog, new pictures, design, layout. I think its time! New day, new journey new DESIGN!

So here we are again! We have a beautiful 2 year old little boy, the joy of our life! Matt has a new job, he is working at our church in the IT department, I'm still busy at the hospital, we have our BEAUTIFUL new home! Life is GOOD...

And yet our hearts are aching again.

You see, we have entered a NEW category of Infertility (IF) called SECONDARY infertility. We remain unable to conceive a child on our own, we remain requiring several thousand dollars to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), therefore we remain INFERTILE. The secondary part means that we have a child in our arms that is biological, but we are unable to conceive after many months of no contraception or birth control.

And secondary IF or SI comes with its own bag of heartache and frustration. You see, how can I even THINK of having a hurting heart? MY ARMS ARE FULL with this healthy baby boy! (all tho not so baby anymore!). How dare I feel twinges and those old familiar feelings when those I love wind up pregnant and I'm not? Its not like I'm still PRIMARY IF, where I'm still waiting to have a child of my own, I HAVE a beautiful son. Yet SI has brought me to my knees once again, heart weeping, ache heavy, and sorrow filled as I pray for God to bless us with the second child we so hope for. BUT with SI also comes guilt. Guilt because I HAVE my precious son and I should not be so selfish or sound so ungrateful.

And yet, my heart aches.

We have begun a new journey in the world of IF. And I'm not a fan. I want this deep imbedded ache to GO AWAY. I don't WANT the trauma and heartache of IF anymore, and yet, my heart aches.

So we are back. Back to share our journey with you, back to allow me a place to vent and write and pray for this second child that we feel God has out there for us. Wondering if we will be reunited with our precious frozen embies and where this journey will lead. Back to hopefully teach and educate and love on those in our path, and continue to allow God to have his way while we wait...

So thankful for another day of grace, and a God who loves me wholly and completely, even in the midst of my faults and heartache...

Have a BLESSED day in the Lord!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I'm a mom...

I know this is nothing new. We all know that I'm a mom now. But this time last year, I didn't know WHAT I was, except exhausted, confused, and absolutely in love with my little boy.

I was struggling so much with Mother's Day last year, b/c I wasn't sure where I stood?? This previously IF woman, now with a squirmy infant in her arms... Where do I belong??

Well praise be, I have found some of who I am, have found out that above all I'm a child of God, but that I am the mom of a precious son, my miracle gift that was "asked of God and given". I am crazy about him, and so incredibly blessed.

We have come so far...God has brought us through the miry pit and has filled us with joy everlasting! He has sustained us through the hardship of IF, and continues to sustain us in the heart of job loss, money woes, health issues and crisis. I'm so thankful to have my Abba Father in our life. And feel honored to be able to share Jesus with my son.

Sorry there is truly no rhyme or reason to this post. Just sitting here thinking about how much has changed in the last year, and the last two years. And even tho we are struggling, and life is hard right now, I don't ever want to be misunderstood as knowing how blessed we truly are, and that I love my son more then anything within my worldly possession.

I changed my fb pic to my first picture with my son. So I'm gonna share it with you. Happy Mother's Day to all of you mommy's out there, then ones with your children in your arms, the ones with your children waiting for you in glory, and those still waiting for your precious ones to come to your arms! I love you all...

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


A beautiful baby girl named Abigail ElizabethAnne is an IF baby. She is the product of 10 years of waiting, IVF, and wonderful parents waiting and hoping with patience. She is a sister to a little boy named Aaron, also a product of IVF, who shared the same living quarters with his sister.

Sadly Aaron went home to our Lord before there was even a chance of life in this world. But his sister, Abi, carried on like a trooper. Bringing comfort and love to her mommy, as she grieved the loss of her little Aaron.

Abi was born March 24th, 2012, 5 weeks too soon. She weighed in at 5lbs 1oz, and came out screaming and fiesty. Full of fire and absolutely beautiful. But Abi was found to have a defect in her heart, one that would require open heart surgery as soon as possible. At 4 days old, Abi had the surgery to repair her heart, doing as well as expected for the first few days. But on March 31, 2012, God had other plans. Abi joined her brother Aaron at the throne of our Lord.

I met Abi's mom about 7 years ago on Hannah's Prayer. She was in med school, studying to become a doctor, and had such a heart for those who where hurting and wanted to bring comfort. She has the kindest heart and a sensitive spirit, and has always lifted me up during our journey. Mandy and I have never met in person, but I have communicated with her through the world wide web for years. She shared with me her journey of IVF, the shots, ultra sounds, tests and bloodwork leading up to the creation of her perfect 3 embryo's. I prayed and waited anxiously to hear how the 2 she had implanted had done, begging God for my friend to have the gift of motherhood. And he blessed her with her twins. Oh how I rejoiced!! The tears I cried just flowed from heaven, such gratitude and excitement for these precious miracles!! Thank you Lord!

My heart broke at the hearing of Aaron's passing into grace. I fell to my knees, asking God why but praising him for this little girl that remained. When Mandy's water broke, my knees were down again, praying for this precious little girl, asking for an easy delivery, for a successful surgery, for miraculous healing, to make her heart whole. I did not know that God's answer to that prayer would be complete healing, complete wholeness. As he took her home to His arms.

Oh how I have wept, wept for this child. For such a profound loss. I don't understand. I just know that it is not for me to understand.

I'm thankful that I have the chance to pray for this family, to love on them, and most of all to carry the memory of Abi and Aaron with me. I don't know if God will tell these precious little ones of all the people who prayed for them or if they just know, but I do hope that one day I will get to meet them in glory. And to know they are 100% whole and dancing with so many other children I have prayed for over the years!!!

Thank you Mandy for sharing your story and your life with me. I love you ever so much, and am continuing to pray...

Even tho I don't understand Father, I hold true to "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be YOUR name." Because I KNOW that through your promises, you will lift us up!!!

Have a blessed day in the Lord.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

WE have a ONE year old!

It's hard to believe a year has already passed!! Too quickly! Sam is ONE today! I remember this day so clearly from last year (now the weeks following? That's a different story! LOL). I was terrified of the C Section, afraid something would go wrong with the Pre eclampsia, then struggled watching him have a hard time breathing...But ended the day holding my perfect baby boy that my arms had longed to have for so long! Could it be they were finally full??

Now they are overflowing with a 26 lb little boy! He's not a baby anymore, he's a TODDLER. How did that happen?? My word, it has gone too fast! But every day I'm so thankful for this little boy, for this precious miracle that has rocked our world! Oh Lord, how did I get so blessed?? So lucky?

My heart has been hoping and praying for so many of my continued PI/IF girls. So much heart ache recently, and I'm just begging God for them to have this amazing chance. And I wonder why I was chosen, but yet so thankful. Such a weird place to be. Newly titled as "Former IF" and "MOM". Still getting used to that after so many years as the "IF girl", "Barren". Know what I mean?

I think most of all, I just want these girls that I love to know, no matter what even with this miracle in my arms, they are never far from my mind/heart. I have not forgotten, I CHOOSE to not forget, because I will continue to pray and hope for them...and you are loved...I will not forget...

Celebrating my miracle today! Continuing to pray for more miracles to come!! In all of it, GOD IS GOOD!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!