A devotion...

So I was asked by a friend to do a devotion tomorrow for a Church meeting thing that I have. VERY last minute (930 TONIGHT!) and VERY unexpected!!!

I asked God to help me find something because me speaking in front of people and only with short notice is not a good combo.

My prayers lead me to a blog post I had written about 3 years ago, in the heart of our Infertility. Matt says its worthy of being put on the blog, so I told him I'd post...Here is the post, some of our story in our journey...

August 1, 2008
5 years ago....

5 years ago today...

We prayerfully decided it was time for us to expand our family...

5 years ago today...

My first cycle free of birth control pills and ready to go and actively Try to Conceive (TTC)

5 years ago today...

I began the anticipation, excitement, joy, fear, nervousness, and elation at the possibility that a little one would be in my arms within a year. That little one that I've thought about and prayed for my whole life. That little one that would complete our family, expanding on the love and joy we have with each other. A physical representation of that love together Matt and I have.

5 years later...

I had no idea I'd still be here, empty arms, shattered dreams, and a broken heart. That I'd have gone through all these tests, procedures, surgeries, violations, pokings, proddings, and humiliations, and yet still be left with empty arms. I had no idea 5 years ago, when I innocently walked into this decision, overwhelmed with possibilities and joy, that this is where I'd be, 5 years later.

Now mind you we have some amazing blessings in our life, I'm more in love with my hubby then I ever have been, and I'm grateful for that love, and the love of our family and Savior. But I'm still here, yearning for these children that God has laid on my heart. These two precious wee ones that have been a part of me my entire life, before I knew their names, before I knew what I wanted. Shoot before I had a hubby to try and make them with! :)

There is a relatively new song I've been hearing on the radio from Tenth Avenue North called "Love is Here".

God has been speaking to me through these words.
The beginning of the song begins:
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed.

I have "labored" and worked through so much and tried so hard to have a child and all of it seems to be in vain. I feel left in pieces, a barren woman unable to provide children for her husband. Unable to bring a beautiful life into this world so I can raise it up right and raise him/her in the Lord. A child that can bring a great sense of purpose and love into my life. I feel broken.

But the next words: Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.

His love is here, right now. His mercy is new every day, His love is here for me every morning with the sunrise and holds me as I drift to sleep in the sunset. And not just droplets of love, but pouring, overflowing, everlasting streams of love. Love that brings purpose to my life, to my husbands life, whether we are childless or not.

The next lines of the song:

And to the bruised and fallen,
captives, bound, and broken hearted.

He is the lord
He is the lord,

In it all, HE IS THE LORD! He is my Lord, whether I'm on the top of the mountain, excited about new things, or down in the pit, fallen by shame and brokenness, captive by my pain, bound by my desire and yearning, and broken hearted by my shattered dreams. HE IS LORD. He is my Lord, NO MATTER WHAT. And I'm not alone through this. My God is with me, and Matt. Beside me holding me, nourishing and refreshing me with His living waters. Loving me through these trials...And you know what? He really does satisfy. But I have to take the step, I have to except His living waters, and refresh my spirit. And in the midst of the pain and deep dark grief, its a very hard thing to do.

I'm in tears as I write b/c I truly am broken hearted and empty. I yearn so very deeply for my children. I dream about them, loving them, holding them. I dream of when that day comes that they are mine and physically with me, and no longer just a dream. I grieve the loss of the innocence that started 5 years ago, that sweet sweet innocence. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, I'm just writing as my heart flows with the tears.

For now, all I can do is hold on to my faith, even my frayed tattered faith, but its still there. Maybe my tears are the physical of His living waters, soothing my weary broken soul. Maybe its His waters that will fill the emptiness inside of me. Maybe one day I'll come out the other side of this and still know that My God is LORD. Til that day comes, when my tears are for joy, that is all I can hold on to, My LORD and his streams of flowing Love...Love is here...

The beauty of this, is the story did not end here. It continued on to a miracle baby boy named Samuel Russell who will be 1 year old 2 weeks from today. I found myself weeping as I read this post, because I’m in awe of the absolute miracle God has given us! He has blessed us abundantly and my heart is overflowing with praise and gratitude! We did not know what God’s answer was going to be for our life, if He’d grant us this desire our hearts held. But we continued to hold on to faith, and some days that faith held on by a hair. But we chose to believe that no matter what the outcome we would claim that HE is Lord, faithful to his children, and a loving God. And just because he could, he gave us our precious miracle!!

But my reason for reading this specific post was not just to share with you my story or specifically our infertility journey. Its the fact that its ALL the stories, each one’s grief and strife, broken hearts, shattered dreams. Through WHATEVER you are going through, HE IS STILL GOD. He will hold you in His arms, when you feel all alone in this world. He will fill you with his living waters, when your soul is parched and dry from heartache and grief. He will strengthen your faith, when your faith seems tattered beyond recognition. And he will carry you through, when you no longer have the strength to go on. He has promised never to leave us or forsake us. And my friends, I stand here, a living testament to that promise. Love is HERE.

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Hello friends!

Long time no see. I've just not had much to write. All tho life is full and rich! And to God be the glory for all of it!! So I'll update you on my precious boy...

He is 8 months old. He crawls backwards but not forward. He rolls around and can sit up on his own. He pulls up to his knees but not standing all the way (but soon! EEK) He blows kisses, smiles and laughs in glee. He has two bottom toofies an has the most amazing blue eyes and is FINALLY getting some hair! He loves to snuggle when he's tired. And is a fabulous eater! To the point where I turned his nose orange from all the orange veggies I was feeding him! LOL...He is an amazing little boy and I am abundantly blessed!

Its still so hard to believe at times that this little boy is MINE. That he is my son that I wake up to every morning babbling in his crib. I'm so grateful!! I think back to the journey, what lead us to Sam, all the years of pain, hope and tears. And here we are!! And its passing so quickly, he is growing and changing every day. And my heart is so full it could just burst!! Thank you Lord for this gift!!

Work is great, very busy but I'm enjoying it. Matt is still living with Apple poor guy. But he maintains his job for the sake of us. I'm grateful. Our exciting news is that I am gonna be an auntie for the first time on my side. My bro and SIL are pregnant and due in April! Sam is gonna have a precious cousin. We are very excited!

Oh this journey. This life's walk that we are on!! It is so twisty and turny, ups and downs. I still wonder why I was blessed and so many others have not been yet. My heart still breaks for those I love who are struggling for littles of their own. I know I did nothing to deserve this little boy and God blessed us anyway. Its like our Salvation. I did ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve my salvation, yet God blessed us anyway. What an amazing giving God we serve! To so generously give me my son, and His. I've been sitting in wonder of that lately. And so humbled and grateful as well.

My heavenly Father. Thank you for these precious gifts in my life! For a husband who loves me abundantly and unconditionally, for a home that protects me from life's storms, those silly fur babies that drive me nuts, a secure job that I enjoy, my miracle son that I get to hold and love on every day, and most importantly, for your Son and the salvation we have received because of Him. I'm so grateful and thankful....

I know many who read this are still waiting on their miracles. And please know that my heart has not forgotten, I KNOW where you are at, how you are feeling and hurting. I think today I just wanted to make a point of reminding us all to be THANKFUL for the blessings in our lives. Our precious spouses, homes, jobs. And my prayer is that I will be rejoicing with you soon on your own miracles.

No rhyme or reason today! Just random thoughts. Thank you to those of you who still come by to see if I've written. I see there have been tons of hits!! I'm honored!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Rainbow Babies...

I'm stealing this from a girl (Laura) on Hannah's Prayer. She had posted it about our miracle babies, and this is just the perfect words for this journey...

Short and sweet! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

RAINBOW BABIES

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

Promise...

I've not gone missing!! Life has been CRAZY! New job, new routine. I just can not keep up!! this working mom stuff is HARD! But I'm so in love!

I have a couple of started posts that I'll need to go back and finish...

For those who have checked on me, THANK YOU! It is appreciated! We are not gone, only detoured and running a bit on empty! :-)

However, before I go, I must say that I am the proud mommy of a SIX MONTH OLD today! I can't believe how the time has flown! He is sitting up, rolling forward and backward, eating all kinds of fruits and veggies, smiling, laughing, and just overall being the light of our lives! I'm abundantly blessed that I am so busy with MY SON! God is good!!!

So this quick post will be left with a video...Mr. Sam Chit Chattin'.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Samuel's Dedication...

Oh my, we have a son that we are dedicating to the Lord!! Oh Lord I never thought it possible, I had given up hope that this day would come! Yet we prepared today to return this precious child to you, and promise to raise him in Your name! Thank you Lord for this miracle boy!

The service was amazing. And appropriate as Pastor Tom spoke Honor and preached out of 1st and 2nd Samuel. What an honor! What another God thing! As this day had been postponed twice only to end up having dedication on the very weekend Pastor spoke on Samuel. You can actually watch the sermon here: Honoring What God Honors .

So our church does a beautiful thing for the dedicated children. They gave us a letter, a letter that we will give our son when he accepts Jesus into his heart. It tells of how his mommy and daddy brought him to the church to be dedicated before the people, promising to raise him in the Lord, and how he is a child of God. That he was loved before he could even understand the word, and that his church family lifted him up in prayer, rejoicing in the gift God had given to this world. How awesome is that? Plus he got his first bible. It was just amazing! I'm so humbled by the gift that God has given us!!!

We then celebrated at mom and dad's house. Had family over and a food and fellowship, celebrating this little boy. God is so good! Thank you for this gift dear Lord!!! Here are some photos. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Quiet Sunday Morning

I'm listening to both my guys snore. Its just lovely. No really, it is. :-) To hear the two guys in my life that I'm just utterly in love with. I'm beyond blessed! Its amazing to sit back and see the wonderful things God has given me! I wish I had words of gratitude for all I have been blessed with.

No real point to this post today. Just sittin' back and babbling away. We had a wonderful July 4th service at church yesterday. Our pastor was on fire for restoration in our country. I'm in complete agreement! Totally ready for our nation to return to the ways of the Lord. To bring Christ back to the heart of our country. Regardless, I'm so grateful to live in a free nation. And so thankful for those men/women who have fought for that freedom, continue to FIGHT for my freedom. I'm so thankful! Grateful I can blab on an open blog about My God and all He has done for me!! Thank you Lord for freedom!

Sammy is gettin' big. His 4 month check he was at 16 lb 7 oz and 25in long. He's got a big ol' head and the MD says he's just gonna be a big boy. That could go without saying!! Look at the height/weight of those he comes from!! Football player maybe? Ha! What a blessing this little boy is. I just have to pinch myself every day, truly remembering he is MINE. All mine! Thank you Jesus for him! What an amazing testament to the power of our Lord! My own little miracle. Ok not so little anymore. :-) Look how far we've come!

Crazy...Again no real rhyme or reason to my posting today. Just feel like thanking Jesus for all the gifts in my life. My husband, my son, my freedom, my family...Most importantly, MY SALVATION, because w/o that, nothing else matters! Thank you Lord for this journey you have taken me on! I can't wait to see what else is in store!

Happy Birthday America! May everyone have a fabulous 4th of July! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

What a special day!

Today marks one year that my son was created. Isn't that crazy that I know the date that my son was created?? Its funny to have a picture of a time that is normally hidden. Creation that is done in the silence of one's body. Something that only just recently advanced science has been able to witness. The creation of LIFE.

1 year ago today I was wheeled into an operating room where the weeks of hormones, shots, ultrasounds and bloodwork presented itself in the form of 10 eggs being removed from my ovaries. (its not a fun place, lemme tell ya) And then those eggs were mixed with Matt's guys (tee hee) and my little babies were formed! How AWESOME is that?? Life was created...MY CHILD'S LIFE.

Even tho its all so "medical". The intervention was not that of a marriage union, but one of needles and medicine, it still brought me this precious son I have in my arms! But to think, even with all this technology, science has yet to perfectly re-create pregnancy 100% of the time. If they could, there would be no IF, no broken hearts yearning for a child. Still in all this modern technology, God's masterful hand has to be in it. HE still has to breathe life into this creation. And I'm so very thankful that He did! Because I have my precious son!

So today I celebrate the creation of my child's life! ( and his 6 frozen embryo siblings) I'm so thankful that the beginning of this journey started today, 1 year ago. The journey to my son. Thank you so much Lord for this precious child of mine!!!

Have a blessed day in the LORD!

This is Sammy as a 5 day Blastocyte













And THAT turned into THIS. God's amazing CREATION!!!