Updates and life

Hey everyone! I love seeing I have new "followers". So very cool! I feel special. I just got back from the South FL fair with my hubs and our friends. I'm fried to a crisp inside and out!! I ate all kinds of stuff that is just not good for you by any means, but man, it was SOOOOOO good... I also walked about 100 miles, so its all good. Definitely a one time a year eating ritual. Otherwise I'd be bigger then a house!

So this past week has pretty much sucked. Not much else to say about it. Some of this will be probably TMI, but you know, my blog my writing, my TMI to share!! We were just coming to the end of our first month trying to conceive (TTC) since I had surgery. I was incredibly hopeful and in my silly little brain ACTUALLY THOUGHT I might end up PG. Nice cleaned out insides, ovulated on cue, and Matt on supplements to enhance the "guys". What a thought, to get PG on our own without spending hundreds of thousands of dollars. UGH. But alas, my period started on Sunday. I even wasted a PG test, something I haven't done for a very long time. I guess I did OK on Sunday, just accepted it and figured, there will be next time. Then Monday came.

I worked all weekend on Punkie's video. My MIL asked me if I could do a memorial for him and I had been sorting through pictures and verses and music for the video, so it could be just perfect for the memorial. I guess the drop in hormones, along with losing our beloved Punkie PLUS my period starting = a really REALLY bad temper tantrum. I truly have not had a break down like this in a long while when it comes to us TTC and our desire for a child. But man I wept and sobbed and cussed and screamed and yelled at God and just lost it. (I was home by the way for MLK day, Matt was at work) I cried till I couldn't cry any more, then I rested, and started all over again. All the years of heartache and sorrow came out in one fell swoop. I guess I tend to hold it in or pretend its not there, but um, I failed miserably this time. I actually had "HOPE" this cycle, and because of being full of hope and holding the expectation so high, the fall is much farther, much harder then a cycle without hope.

I talked with Matt and my mom when they came home, just screamed at God, "WHY!!!". I was, and probably still am, angry at this situation we are in. Its so very difficult to have this overwhelming desire and internal yearning that over powers you. This desire that has been there since childhood, since before childhood. Its instilled in my very being. And then to not understand why God placed it there, just to leave it void and unfulfilled. What kind of God could allow that to happen to His child? HIS daughter. Right? I have no answers to these tough questions. Even now when my "listening ears" are back in place to hear what God has to say. But God showed me this week that he is still here, and listening, and holding me. Even if I don't get the answers I'm seeking.

Later on in the week was Punkie's funeral. Thursday was cold but an absolutely beautiful day. The Navy presented a flag and a bagpipe player played in the background. A priest from Punkie's church came and performed the service. You know the typical Catholic service, with the set up binder (not a bible) with the laid out prayers and verses, certain things that are read specifically for a funeral. It flowed beautifully and he spoke well of Punkie. Then the priest put the binder down, and picked up a bible. Now I'm not Catholic, but very rarely have I seen them use an actual bible to preach or to give rights or funeral service. They speak from the bible, but without it actually in their hands. Make sense? Anyway he picked up a bible and informed us that Mum wanted a specific Psalm read at the service. So he began to read from Psalm 91:

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

Now only my mom, Matt and I knew what I had used in the video. And without having talked to my MIL or even discussing wording being used, I had placed the same end of Psalms 91 in Punkie's memorial video. As we say in the MacIntosh house, "THAT'S A GOD THING!"

In the midst of my sorrow, heartache, trials and tribulations, God showed His hand. In such a small and unique way, that some may even chock up to a "coincidence". But I know that a coincidence is just God remaining anonymous. Clear as day I could see God's hand, guiding me, guiding the situation, even guiding our fertility. Does that change the hurt? NO. Does it make the yearning any less achey, or my heart and arms any less heavy? NO. But do I feel less ignored, less alone in this journey. Most definitely.

IF is hard and painful and frustrating. This has been such a difficult journey and I'm not sure what the outcome will be in the end. It is possible that one day I will have to grieve the loss of this dream and give up my journey to parenthood. Its gonna suck if I have to, and God is gonna have to do a lot of healing and holding of my heart. God has only promised me this:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

But He does NOT promise that my future is a "child". That I will prosper in pregnancy or adoption. But he DOES promise me hope and a life abundant. And he does promise to answer my prayers, even if the answer is NO. Today, I'm OK. Tomorrow, I might be falling apart at the seams again. I'm grateful that my God is one of forgiveness and grace, to pick me back up, dust off my pride, and allow me to try again. Even though my "hopes" were dashed and crushed this week, God promises me more hope, renewed hope, to bring in a new day.

Please continue to pray for us. Don't forget us and our journey, our HOPES. My heart's greatest desire is to be a momma of this little boy and girl that are named and in my heart. Know that I'm OK, even in the melt downs, and how much your love, prayers, hugs, and friendship means to me.

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Next Thursday

Will be Punkie's funeral. One of Matt's bros, J, will be able to come down. Its undecided if C will be coming. My parents are going as well. I hate the finality of all of it. But I suppose it is the way of life. I think Matt's mom is doing OK, just overwhelmed with everything. We're trying to help however we can. We're doing airport duty, so we'll pick up folks and bring them to mum's. Its just a graveside memorial at the local cemetery where Grandmother is buried also. His obit is in the Palm beach Post if you are looking for it. His name was Leonard Turner.

I'm dragging today too. Dunno why. I feel OK, just very worn out, like I haven't slept in days! I think I'm going to go home and crash tonight. Just get a good night sleep. I'm currently inhaling a diet coke trying to wake my butt up. Not sure why I'm so sleepy. But this too shall pass.

Matt's work had been a little iffy, and prayers for his job would be appreciated. He has a new manager over him now and they seem to be working well together. Hopefully he will still be employed in 3 weeks when they re-evaluate his position. Nerve wracking, but God is in control. I have to believe it! Even if it means repeating it over and over!! :)

OK well it is time to dismiss the kids, so I must go. Just saying HI and touching base. Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Thoughts and memories...

I'm sitting here bouncing thoughts back and forth in my head. Please know that when I start to think, it tends to get long!!!

I remember when Matt and I were dating, and I went to his mom's house for the first time. I was TERRIFIED! I was meeting not only Matt's mom, step dad and sister, but also his grandparents. Lorraine and Leonard. I was so scared. Gosh meeting the "folks" is a big thing, meeting the "family"?? EVEN BIGGER! I remember I had gotten out of meeting them for one excuse or another, but the day had arrived, and we were on our way...

I shook the whole time. We sat down and chatted about nursing school and growing up in south Florida. We talked about my high school b/c Matt's sister would be going there soon. Idle chit chat, getting to know you stuff. We went out on the patio to eat. I sat across from Matt's gparents. Punkie and Grandmother. Lorraine was this elegant, beautiful woman, full of charm and class. Very much like Matt's mom. Can definitely tell they are from the same stock. Leonard was handsome and relaxed and quiet. I remember that, while we were eating, Punkie had gotten some food on his face. Grandmother was prodding at him, telling him to wipe his face, he has food all over it. And in his nice and relaxed state he turned to her and said, "I will NOT wipe my face, I am SAVING that for LATER!". I remember laughing, don't remember if it was on the inside or the outside, but just laughing at this adorable couple, and looking at my then boyfriend, wondering if we'd be like them. One thing was for certain, Leonard and Lorraine were still very much in love after all their years of marriage.

Fast forward a few months. Matt and I got engaged!! :) The first people we called were Matt's grandparents. Grandmother was through the roof excited for us, crying tears of joy at our announcement!! I don't think anyone's reaction topped hers to our fantastic news. I think she even went with Matt and Matt's mom to help pick out my ring!! A true family engagement!! Sadly Matt's Gma passed away unexpectedly, just a few short months from our wedding. Though she wasn't there in person, you just knew that God had given her a "window" from heaven that day. We honored her memory at our wedding. Though I didn't get to know her for very long, she was a blessing in my life.

I did however get to know Matt's Gpa very well. He has always been an intricate part of our lives since our wedding day. He just seems to always be there, quietly in the background, relaxing as usual. Matt and I would go out to dinner with him, especially if Matt's folks were out of town. Always OUT to dinner and almost always to Chinese food!! He refused to let us pay, and always talked about his Red Sox...We enjoyed his company, and I think he enjoyed ours.

Punkie passed safely in to the arms of Jesus today. He has been reunited with his precious wife, and was greeted by the Son of God today. He's been sick for a while and we knew the inevitable was coming, but somehow that doesn't ease the pain and shock of the actual loss. Matt's mom said it was very peaceful and w/o much suffering. I can only praise and thank God for that. I know all to well about how it could have gone. He was able to see his children just shortly before his passing. A blessing for them, I'm sure. And then he just simply fell asleep, and awoke in eternity.

Matt and I are both still in a state of shock. Some tears have fallen and some of those hard questions have been asked. But ultimately reality has not completely kicked in yet. I told my online buddies about our families' loss, and one of my dear friends made the comment that we have already dealt with SO much this year, to the point where SHE was getting ticked at God. But that she was asking God to give us peace.

But this is whats funny. In all the things that Matt and I have gone through as a family this year, all the triumph and tragedy, health and sickness, blessings and financial fear, I haven't really had time to deal or think about the "SO MUCH" that we have had this year. Don't get me wrong, I've had days I'm so entirely overwhelmed, frustrated to the max, and just literally exhausted. But overall I've been taking things in stride. Holding on to the promises of God, and praying us through it. I don't know if its b/c I haven't had time, or if I'm truly trusting in God to make everything OK.

I don't know why God allows so much to happen with us. It does seem like Matt and I are in a perpetual state of crisis or crazy, but through it I KNOW that God's hand has been in it. You all have witnessed it first hand, in the blessings and miracles that have occurred in our life. The bible says:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

I guess what I'm getting from our life, in the midst of the trials and tribulations, and in the midst of the joy and miracles, I can only hold on to that. I can only hold on to the TRUST that I have in the Lord. God has promised He will never leave me or forsake me. He will guide my path and direct me. I just have to keep on trusting Him. There are days when that just seems to hard to do, to trust God. Like now through the haze of tears that are coming as reality sets in. I must keep my trust in Him. Another friend had posted the Serenity Prayer and a poem. It spoke to my heart, let me share.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I don't know what will come of the next few days or weeks. I know that Matt and his family will be grieving this great loss, and my heart will be breaking right along with theirs. But my prayer is that God will continue to give me the peace that comes from understanding His will. Not my will Lord, but Yours! Please pray for us as we say good bye these next few days and weeks and remember the blessings of our Lord. I'll leave you with the prayer my dear friend Mer sent to me. Be blessed in our Lord.

Praying for you both to know His peace... especially in the midst of your (seemingly never ending) storm... maybe He just wants you to dance in the rain...