WOW...OK so I was talking with my Mom in law (MIL) today and updating her on our appt this week. We were talking about Matt and I buying a home down the road and how Matt and I decided to put house hunting on hold and to solely focus on IVF and trying for a baby. Fact is, we can buy a house anytime, heck when I'm 50 we can, the market won't change so drastically that a new home won't be available to us in the future. But we can't try for a baby when I'm 50 or 40, or probably 35 for that matter. I'm running out of time, speaking from experience with some messed up girlie parts. I'm ready to run head on into trying for our baby, to grasp this last chance that we have. Because after this, we're done trying for a bio child, whether a baby comes or not. This fork in the road has split, and we aren't taking any further "bio" paths after this try is done. Yowsa, what hard pill to swallow!!
We continued to chat about God's timing, how He brought us to this place in our lives, this time in our lives so that we could try for a baby...That only b/c my job changed, and Matt's job changed, and our lives calmed down, and finances balanced, and this insurance became available...Only b/c numerous things came together in perfect unity, is there even an opportunity for us to proceed with IVF. Dunno about you but I see God's hand in all of this. But as we were chatting, in passing I mentioned how God is bringing us finality, that we are going to have closure. We will either have a child biologically, or we won't. No more of this hanging in the land of "unknown". Cuz lemme tell you it sucks to be going no where fast. To have no idea of what is to come, if its to come. Monitoring every cycle, watching every symptom, every sign of when conception is possible, or not. Then wondering as the end of a month comes, am I early, am I late? Is it possible that it happened? Could I be? No I'm not. And crushed month after month. I can't take that anymore. Even if IVF fails, and I have to grief the loss of a bio child, I will be OK. B/c for me, I will have done everything, tried everything. I won't be stuck in the land of "what ifs". I'll have walked all the paths. And I told my MIL, how nice it will be to be finished. No more unknown. Because this will bring me closure. And in the midst of the chaos, and the anticipation of whats to come, I'm praising God for closure.
We will have a bio child...
Or we won't...
But either way, it will be finished. And I can move on with my life, either as a new mom, or a potential adoptive mom, or a family of 2 with only the furry children. New doors, new journeys, new life is opening up to us and all because of God's great timing in all things. You'd think after YEARS I'd remember, its all within His timing and it lies within His hands. Silly me...
I know it may not make a lot of sense. How can something not working bring peace, but I know in my heart of hearts, however this turns out, I will be OK. WE will be OK. I will exalt my Lord, even if my heart is crushed. I will praise Him in the blessing, and in the pain. I WILL PRAISE HIM IN ALL THINGS...
Thank you for your continued prayers and support! It means the world to us! Have a blessed day in the Lord.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Getting Nervous
Gosh, less then a week away. The doctor's office called on Friday just to "confirm my appt". Oh my gracious I think I swallowed my heart. EEEK! Just 5 days away from the fork in the road!! Oh my...
I am approximately every emotion that you can think of right about now!!! Excited, terrified, nervous, scared, hopeful, cautious....I am just not sure what to do with all of this. I found myself super duper weepy yesterday at church. One of my bro's friends just had their 3rd baby boy, and I found myself crying at the innocence of being with your husband and having a family. I was thinking about how we are moving forward, away from innocence and the product of love, to technology, science, cold and calculated. This is not how I expected to have a baby. With a team of doctors, nurses, and embryologists involved. I expected to fall in love, get married, be with my husband, and the product of that love to produce children. Heck, my hubby might not even be in the room if/when I get pregnant...How weird is that??
Now don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about the chance to get pregnant, that we have an opportunity to try for a child, I'm just grieving the loss of the innocence that is to come from becoming a mom. I'm not supposed to know the inner most workings of the female and male reproductive system. I know more about things, then even some of my doctors know. I mean come on, who can tell when they are ovulating based on amount/type of cervical mucous? That is more then ANYONE should have to know about their body!! Sheesh. And don't get me started on the sperm cycle. HA.
I guess, I'm just sad at the fact that this has come down to technology. But if it works, I'll surely get over it. I'm just a jumble of emotions and feelings and wonderment of all of this. And as each day creeps closer to THE day, I get more nervous, more anticipatory, and wonder, what is coming in our lives. Is this the end? Or will this be the beginning???
God give me the strength and guide me into Your will. It is the only place I want to be!!! Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we embark on this journey. Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!
I am approximately every emotion that you can think of right about now!!! Excited, terrified, nervous, scared, hopeful, cautious....I am just not sure what to do with all of this. I found myself super duper weepy yesterday at church. One of my bro's friends just had their 3rd baby boy, and I found myself crying at the innocence of being with your husband and having a family. I was thinking about how we are moving forward, away from innocence and the product of love, to technology, science, cold and calculated. This is not how I expected to have a baby. With a team of doctors, nurses, and embryologists involved. I expected to fall in love, get married, be with my husband, and the product of that love to produce children. Heck, my hubby might not even be in the room if/when I get pregnant...How weird is that??
Now don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about the chance to get pregnant, that we have an opportunity to try for a child, I'm just grieving the loss of the innocence that is to come from becoming a mom. I'm not supposed to know the inner most workings of the female and male reproductive system. I know more about things, then even some of my doctors know. I mean come on, who can tell when they are ovulating based on amount/type of cervical mucous? That is more then ANYONE should have to know about their body!! Sheesh. And don't get me started on the sperm cycle. HA.
I guess, I'm just sad at the fact that this has come down to technology. But if it works, I'll surely get over it. I'm just a jumble of emotions and feelings and wonderment of all of this. And as each day creeps closer to THE day, I get more nervous, more anticipatory, and wonder, what is coming in our lives. Is this the end? Or will this be the beginning???
God give me the strength and guide me into Your will. It is the only place I want to be!!! Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we embark on this journey. Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
New Year....New Oppurtunity...
Matt and I decided to share some news with you, as we feel we are going to need prayer from anyone we can reach. We are continuing to share the different journeys in our life, and want our readers to be a part of it...So as promised, here you go, our interesting news...
Because Matt was able to get his full time position back, he was also awarded BENEFITS. Something he usually doesn't have and my job carries. Well we went through the different plans and where I'm grateful to HAVE insurance, mine was so-so and REALLY expensive... (My portion is $750ish a month) Not to mention co pays and out of pocket costs are expensive. The joys of a small company. Well usually if Matt has insurance, its really crummy PPO type stuff where you pay enormous amounts for deductibles and out of pocket. Well this year, Apple has an HMOish type plan that is SOOO much better then mine, cheaper out of pocket and, get this, about $500 LESS a month! Yes you read that right. We are netting an additional $500 a month b/c of this new insurance! GOD IS GOOD!!!
So of course we decided to switch insurances. We are now on Apple's plan as of January 1st. Now I know you are asking me WHY I'm boring you with the details of our health insurance life....Well here is the interesting news/opportunity...Are you ready? Sitting down? OK here we go...
INFERTILITY TREATMENTS ARE COVERED!!! INCLUDING IVF!
Amazing right?? We are overjoyed! A ginormous chunk of IVF is covered by this insurance plan and makes the remaining cost so much more affordable that we can actually proceed forward with doing IVF to try and have a baby....(If you have no idea what IVF is, click here IVF to find out more) Now I'm sure there are some who are still saying "HUH?? What??"...So here's a background.
Matt and I need IVF with ICSI. Basically in a nutshell, we've been told our chances of conceiving on our own is about 2% or less, and even with IVF, chances are not that great. However they are considerably more then 2. However, for 6 years, this has been an unattainable goal, as IVF runs from $15-25,000 a cycle (yes that is 3 zeros). Knowing that something is your only option, yet knowing that option is so completely far out of reach, is rather depressing and frustrating. We've begged God for an option, a miracle, a plan, but have come up with NOTHING...Until now. :-)
We sat back and just looked at the situation in amazement. How God is orchestrating His will to fall in line. My job change will make it so much easier to take a few days off, to go to MD appt's, and much less stress to provide a much better resting place for little embryos. Financially we are much more stable, we are both healthier then we've been in years. I FEEL better, emotionally, physically, spiritually. If I tried to do IVF while still with the district, well, let's just say I don't think it would happen or take even if we were able too. Stress level was so far beyond tolerable, I can't imagine a little embie wanting to stick! LOL This is the time, God's timing, for us to try.
You don't have to tell me that "it may not work, you may not be able to, you may not get pg". I'm aware of reality. However we are moving forward prayerfully and feel God moving with us. Even when it slipped out to my office manager, she was so happy for us!! I know right? happy!! And very encouraging and supportive of taking time off, going to appt's, long lunches, etc. I can't tell you how happy it made me when she lit up all excited for this opportunity for us!!! WOOT! Just God opening another door, calming another fear, showing Himself in another situation. What an awesome God we serve!
So here we go! Our appointment with the new, insurance covered Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) is January 29th. Just 12 short days away! I'm nervous and excited and happy and scared and EEK! This is it. Our final chance for a biological child. We will do this only once, I will not subject my body to more then one fresh cycle. If it works, yay, if it doesn't, then trying to conceive a biological child will be over. And whether a child comes this way or doesn't, God is still good, and I will still love Him. Yes of course I would grieve at the loss of a bio child, but we will have been grateful for the CHANCE and the closure. But for now, I'm remaining optimistic.
So here is where my readers come in. We need PRAYER. Lots and Lots of prayer. This will be a tedious road, in all areas. I know that a journey is coming that will take every ounce of strength I have, and we both are going to need to be held up in prayer by those we love and who love us. For me physically as I endure shots and hormones and procedures, and Matt as he deals with his psychotic wife who is on hormones and shots!! We are asking for you to join us in this journey, to be a part of whatever it is God has in store for us. To support us through the good, and the bad, whatever it may be.
So for now, prayer as we prepare for the first leg of the journey, the CONSULT, the first round of tests, and the actual cost that we will have to pay out of pocket.We appreciate your love and support!!! Please know that!! More is to come! I hope you are ready for some long posts, cuz me thinks they shall be a-comin'!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!
Because Matt was able to get his full time position back, he was also awarded BENEFITS. Something he usually doesn't have and my job carries. Well we went through the different plans and where I'm grateful to HAVE insurance, mine was so-so and REALLY expensive... (My portion is $750ish a month) Not to mention co pays and out of pocket costs are expensive. The joys of a small company. Well usually if Matt has insurance, its really crummy PPO type stuff where you pay enormous amounts for deductibles and out of pocket. Well this year, Apple has an HMOish type plan that is SOOO much better then mine, cheaper out of pocket and, get this, about $500 LESS a month! Yes you read that right. We are netting an additional $500 a month b/c of this new insurance! GOD IS GOOD!!!
So of course we decided to switch insurances. We are now on Apple's plan as of January 1st. Now I know you are asking me WHY I'm boring you with the details of our health insurance life....Well here is the interesting news/opportunity...Are you ready? Sitting down? OK here we go...
INFERTILITY TREATMENTS ARE COVERED!!! INCLUDING IVF!
Amazing right?? We are overjoyed! A ginormous chunk of IVF is covered by this insurance plan and makes the remaining cost so much more affordable that we can actually proceed forward with doing IVF to try and have a baby....(If you have no idea what IVF is, click here IVF to find out more) Now I'm sure there are some who are still saying "HUH?? What??"...So here's a background.
Matt and I need IVF with ICSI. Basically in a nutshell, we've been told our chances of conceiving on our own is about 2% or less, and even with IVF, chances are not that great. However they are considerably more then 2. However, for 6 years, this has been an unattainable goal, as IVF runs from $15-25,000 a cycle (yes that is 3 zeros). Knowing that something is your only option, yet knowing that option is so completely far out of reach, is rather depressing and frustrating. We've begged God for an option, a miracle, a plan, but have come up with NOTHING...Until now. :-)
We sat back and just looked at the situation in amazement. How God is orchestrating His will to fall in line. My job change will make it so much easier to take a few days off, to go to MD appt's, and much less stress to provide a much better resting place for little embryos. Financially we are much more stable, we are both healthier then we've been in years. I FEEL better, emotionally, physically, spiritually. If I tried to do IVF while still with the district, well, let's just say I don't think it would happen or take even if we were able too. Stress level was so far beyond tolerable, I can't imagine a little embie wanting to stick! LOL This is the time, God's timing, for us to try.
You don't have to tell me that "it may not work, you may not be able to, you may not get pg". I'm aware of reality. However we are moving forward prayerfully and feel God moving with us. Even when it slipped out to my office manager, she was so happy for us!! I know right? happy!! And very encouraging and supportive of taking time off, going to appt's, long lunches, etc. I can't tell you how happy it made me when she lit up all excited for this opportunity for us!!! WOOT! Just God opening another door, calming another fear, showing Himself in another situation. What an awesome God we serve!
So here we go! Our appointment with the new, insurance covered Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) is January 29th. Just 12 short days away! I'm nervous and excited and happy and scared and EEK! This is it. Our final chance for a biological child. We will do this only once, I will not subject my body to more then one fresh cycle. If it works, yay, if it doesn't, then trying to conceive a biological child will be over. And whether a child comes this way or doesn't, God is still good, and I will still love Him. Yes of course I would grieve at the loss of a bio child, but we will have been grateful for the CHANCE and the closure. But for now, I'm remaining optimistic.
So here is where my readers come in. We need PRAYER. Lots and Lots of prayer. This will be a tedious road, in all areas. I know that a journey is coming that will take every ounce of strength I have, and we both are going to need to be held up in prayer by those we love and who love us. For me physically as I endure shots and hormones and procedures, and Matt as he deals with his psychotic wife who is on hormones and shots!! We are asking for you to join us in this journey, to be a part of whatever it is God has in store for us. To support us through the good, and the bad, whatever it may be.
So for now, prayer as we prepare for the first leg of the journey, the CONSULT, the first round of tests, and the actual cost that we will have to pay out of pocket.We appreciate your love and support!!! Please know that!! More is to come! I hope you are ready for some long posts, cuz me thinks they shall be a-comin'!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Happy New Year!
I know I'm just a bit late on posting, but can I say, life is busy?? But life is good! (Nice to hear, right?) Currently sitting here, waiting on jeans to dry b/c I have to be up early tomorrow, er um, make that later today, to go to a meeting for church. Can't have wrinkled jeans for church, now can I?? :-)
Matt went to Boston just before New Years. He left me all alone, but it was good. I worked New Year's Eve baby sitting about, oh, 50+ kids with 5 other ladies at the Ritz Carlton. OK they had 5 bounce houses IN their main ballroom!! And tables, and crafts, and movies, oh and popcorn, candy, ice cream, and cotton candy. Thankfully only one kid puked!! :-) What a night! But made some nice $$ running around and bouncing with kids. It was fun, but absolutely exhausting! I literally had to chill the rest of the weekend b/c I was wiped OUT! I missed celebrating with my hunny, but we got to hear screaming on the phone, I THINK it was him...
Work is picking up even more, so been steadily busy with that. Today is my first scheduled day off in a while, so I'm looking forward to finally taking down the tree (yes I know...) laundry and just relaxing. I was sick this week, and it seems to have passed so I don't want to overdo it.
Let's see, the ladybug is in the shop finally getting the rear end fixed and I'm stuck in a little wiener car. Nissan Versa. yea so not my style, and it smells like pot. Febreeze kills the smell for all of about 3 days. I stopped bringing the bottle in b/c I just have to go back out and spray the car! Lord willing my red baby will be back to me next week!! I can't WAIT!
I know a boring post, however I hear the buzzer. I promise I have some interesting news that I'm saving for a separate post...Matt and I have talked and decided we shall be sharing some stuff that shall be going on in our lives b/c we will need your support and prayers. But alas, that is a post for another day...Oh please know that you have to go through the security words and junk on the blog now, I got spammed some Japanese slut-ski junk, and I want to keep that off my blog!! I hope all is well! Remember to leave a comment if you read! I love to see who is browsing my blog!! Its nice to know I'm not just talking to outer space...And Japanese slut-ski's. Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Matt went to Boston just before New Years. He left me all alone, but it was good. I worked New Year's Eve baby sitting about, oh, 50+ kids with 5 other ladies at the Ritz Carlton. OK they had 5 bounce houses IN their main ballroom!! And tables, and crafts, and movies, oh and popcorn, candy, ice cream, and cotton candy. Thankfully only one kid puked!! :-) What a night! But made some nice $$ running around and bouncing with kids. It was fun, but absolutely exhausting! I literally had to chill the rest of the weekend b/c I was wiped OUT! I missed celebrating with my hunny, but we got to hear screaming on the phone, I THINK it was him...
Work is picking up even more, so been steadily busy with that. Today is my first scheduled day off in a while, so I'm looking forward to finally taking down the tree (yes I know...) laundry and just relaxing. I was sick this week, and it seems to have passed so I don't want to overdo it.
Let's see, the ladybug is in the shop finally getting the rear end fixed and I'm stuck in a little wiener car. Nissan Versa. yea so not my style, and it smells like pot. Febreeze kills the smell for all of about 3 days. I stopped bringing the bottle in b/c I just have to go back out and spray the car! Lord willing my red baby will be back to me next week!! I can't WAIT!
I know a boring post, however I hear the buzzer. I promise I have some interesting news that I'm saving for a separate post...Matt and I have talked and decided we shall be sharing some stuff that shall be going on in our lives b/c we will need your support and prayers. But alas, that is a post for another day...Oh please know that you have to go through the security words and junk on the blog now, I got spammed some Japanese slut-ski junk, and I want to keep that off my blog!! I hope all is well! Remember to leave a comment if you read! I love to see who is browsing my blog!! Its nice to know I'm not just talking to outer space...And Japanese slut-ski's. Have a blessed day in the Lord!
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