Merry Christmas from Joy!

I'm so excited that Christmas is finally here. I can actually celebrate and be in the Christmas-y mood w/o feeling guilty!!! We got our tree this weekend and Matt and I put it up last night! It's a cute little short/fat tree, but I think it's beautiful!! :)

We don't really do much else decor wise, except for a wreath on the door and a sign that says "merry christmas" in lights on the window...Not a lot of room and I am NOT climbing on any roof to put up lights! NO THANK YOU!

I'm proud to say we have about 3/4 of our shopping done too! WOO HOO! Bet you'd LOVE to know what we're giving. Sorry can't share, but it's nice!!!

I'm doing OK otherwise. Still kind of in a funk, but I'll survive! So I'll end with this adorable photo of joy in her Christmas santa suit!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Ain't She cute?

Feeling sad....

I don't have any idea if anyone actually reads my silly little blog, but I needed to get out some feelings.

I was over at my mom and dad's house over the weekend. They were redecorating their room and my while my folks were out of town, my bro and I and some aunts and uncles finished the room and put it back together....

Anyway, I was putting stuff back in the closet and I found the two baby blankets my Oma made for our "kids" before she died last year...She had like 4 and told me just weeks before her death to pick out the 2 that I want for my babies and to hold on to them so that my children would know that Oma loved them even though she would never meet them on this side of heaven.

Anyway I had given them to mom to keep until that day they can be used, b/c it was too hard to have the memory of Oma and the idea of children that I don't know will ever come to exist...So mom had the blankets in her closet....I was all weepy sitting on the floor of the closet holding the blankies...They are beautiful, soft, pastels.....Crocheted by her hands....

Thanksgiving was hard (all thought I don't think Matt knows how hard it was for me...Didn't want to ruin his day)...We spent it with matt's family b/c my parents were out of town and all my extended family is 2 hours away. It was hard not being with them this year. I missed having my family for turkey day...I miss my Oma. I miss her more now over a year later then I did last year at the holidays....Her loss is more real to me...I just want one more hug, to lay in her lap while she rubs my head and tells me it will be OK....Her smile, her warmth, her love. I didn't even have my mommy to give me a hug b/c she was in NC...I just wanted some of MY family to be around...Not that dh's is bad, it's just not mine. you know?

I miss the children that I don't have, that never even existed. I don't want another holiday season without little ones...My 6th Holiday season without kids....Another christmas without miracles....I'm grieving children I've never had...How can you grieve what has never existed?? I guess I'm grieving the idea....Infertility just plain old SUCKS! I hate it and I hate that it puts a damper on everything...On another birthday, another holiday, another occasion that you again don't have children. I was at the store buying gifts for our nieces and nephew and our new niece that is coming in January. I was walking the isles and just trying to hold it together. Will I ever be walking that isle for me? For us? For our children?? *sigh*

No we haven't given up, I'm just very sad tonight.....and I want my Oma to hold me and tell me I'm OK...I'm tired of this journey, tired of traveling such a sad and uneven road...I just want a hug tonight...

*sigh* holidays hurt tooo much sometimes....Pray for us if you think about it!!

I'm leavin' on a jet plane...

Don't know when I'll be back again...

Well that's not true, I'll be back on Sunday, and i don't leave until tomorrow afternoon. I'm having a little get together with some of my best buds that live all over tarnation. There will be 5 of us total. One from here in FL near me (we are flying out together) one from Alabama, one from Kentucky and one from Indiana....We are staying at one of the girls cabins in Gatlinburg, TN. I'm SOOOO excited b/c it's supposed to be COOLD and beautiful!!! It will be nice just to get away for a few days! Unfortunately we all have the same thing in commone. We all deal with primary infertility (BLEH)...But I must say, had I not gone through these trial and tribulations, I would never have met these wonderful ladies, and I must say, they are some of the dearest people in my life!!! I don't know what I'd do w/o their friendship!!! :) *sniff sniff*

OK no more sappy stuff. So I work a half day tomorrow and fly out from Ft. Lauderdale to Knoxville TN... WOO HOO!!! I can't wait. Matt is working most of the weekend so he is all good with me going! What a good hubby he is...

OH speaking of matt: HE GOT THE PROMOTION!!! WOO HOO! He is now the FULL TIME Mac specialist and is in charge of the personal shopping program. Basically he has appt.'s and people get his undivided attention for an hour, and he help them with whatever their shopping needs are! It's wonderful! comes with full time hours, benefits, PAID sick time and PAID vacation!!! GOD IS GOOD!!! We are so grateful and I'm so proud of him! He has really worked so hard for this and deserves it! he makes me proud!

OK off to work, gotta get some stuff done since i won't be here on Friday! Have a blessed day in the LORD!

So I've been instructed...

To update my blog! One of my online buddies informed me that my blog was NOT up to date and i needed to post!!! :) Well gee, sorry been a little busy!! BUT anything for YOU TB!!!

It has been busy as always, getting the house back to normal, getting me feeling back to normal. I also started up with choir again, sang this past weekend! I've missed it!!! But as always work is busy, home is busy...busy busy busy....OH did I mention: THE KITCHEN IS DONE!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

Monday was my first night 'cooking' in our brand new kitchen! It is so so so beautiful! YES I know! You need pictures!! Unfortunately, our camera cord had a run in with Matt's wheels and is not broken and useless!! I have no way to get the pictures from said camera to computer. I thought maybe at work, but no card read her as well... :( so sad! I might go over and try it at mom's, she has a card reader on her printer I think.

But really and truly it is absolutely beautiful and gorgeous and I am just awe-struck at this amazing blessing God has given us!!! I'm overwhelmed by his generosity to us!

So not much of an update!! But I guess I should be WORKING while at work and not BLOGGING!!! Have a blessed day in the LORD!