Thoughts and memories...

I'm sitting here bouncing thoughts back and forth in my head. Please know that when I start to think, it tends to get long!!!

I remember when Matt and I were dating, and I went to his mom's house for the first time. I was TERRIFIED! I was meeting not only Matt's mom, step dad and sister, but also his grandparents. Lorraine and Leonard. I was so scared. Gosh meeting the "folks" is a big thing, meeting the "family"?? EVEN BIGGER! I remember I had gotten out of meeting them for one excuse or another, but the day had arrived, and we were on our way...

I shook the whole time. We sat down and chatted about nursing school and growing up in south Florida. We talked about my high school b/c Matt's sister would be going there soon. Idle chit chat, getting to know you stuff. We went out on the patio to eat. I sat across from Matt's gparents. Punkie and Grandmother. Lorraine was this elegant, beautiful woman, full of charm and class. Very much like Matt's mom. Can definitely tell they are from the same stock. Leonard was handsome and relaxed and quiet. I remember that, while we were eating, Punkie had gotten some food on his face. Grandmother was prodding at him, telling him to wipe his face, he has food all over it. And in his nice and relaxed state he turned to her and said, "I will NOT wipe my face, I am SAVING that for LATER!". I remember laughing, don't remember if it was on the inside or the outside, but just laughing at this adorable couple, and looking at my then boyfriend, wondering if we'd be like them. One thing was for certain, Leonard and Lorraine were still very much in love after all their years of marriage.

Fast forward a few months. Matt and I got engaged!! :) The first people we called were Matt's grandparents. Grandmother was through the roof excited for us, crying tears of joy at our announcement!! I don't think anyone's reaction topped hers to our fantastic news. I think she even went with Matt and Matt's mom to help pick out my ring!! A true family engagement!! Sadly Matt's Gma passed away unexpectedly, just a few short months from our wedding. Though she wasn't there in person, you just knew that God had given her a "window" from heaven that day. We honored her memory at our wedding. Though I didn't get to know her for very long, she was a blessing in my life.

I did however get to know Matt's Gpa very well. He has always been an intricate part of our lives since our wedding day. He just seems to always be there, quietly in the background, relaxing as usual. Matt and I would go out to dinner with him, especially if Matt's folks were out of town. Always OUT to dinner and almost always to Chinese food!! He refused to let us pay, and always talked about his Red Sox...We enjoyed his company, and I think he enjoyed ours.

Punkie passed safely in to the arms of Jesus today. He has been reunited with his precious wife, and was greeted by the Son of God today. He's been sick for a while and we knew the inevitable was coming, but somehow that doesn't ease the pain and shock of the actual loss. Matt's mom said it was very peaceful and w/o much suffering. I can only praise and thank God for that. I know all to well about how it could have gone. He was able to see his children just shortly before his passing. A blessing for them, I'm sure. And then he just simply fell asleep, and awoke in eternity.

Matt and I are both still in a state of shock. Some tears have fallen and some of those hard questions have been asked. But ultimately reality has not completely kicked in yet. I told my online buddies about our families' loss, and one of my dear friends made the comment that we have already dealt with SO much this year, to the point where SHE was getting ticked at God. But that she was asking God to give us peace.

But this is whats funny. In all the things that Matt and I have gone through as a family this year, all the triumph and tragedy, health and sickness, blessings and financial fear, I haven't really had time to deal or think about the "SO MUCH" that we have had this year. Don't get me wrong, I've had days I'm so entirely overwhelmed, frustrated to the max, and just literally exhausted. But overall I've been taking things in stride. Holding on to the promises of God, and praying us through it. I don't know if its b/c I haven't had time, or if I'm truly trusting in God to make everything OK.

I don't know why God allows so much to happen with us. It does seem like Matt and I are in a perpetual state of crisis or crazy, but through it I KNOW that God's hand has been in it. You all have witnessed it first hand, in the blessings and miracles that have occurred in our life. The bible says:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

I guess what I'm getting from our life, in the midst of the trials and tribulations, and in the midst of the joy and miracles, I can only hold on to that. I can only hold on to the TRUST that I have in the Lord. God has promised He will never leave me or forsake me. He will guide my path and direct me. I just have to keep on trusting Him. There are days when that just seems to hard to do, to trust God. Like now through the haze of tears that are coming as reality sets in. I must keep my trust in Him. Another friend had posted the Serenity Prayer and a poem. It spoke to my heart, let me share.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I don't know what will come of the next few days or weeks. I know that Matt and his family will be grieving this great loss, and my heart will be breaking right along with theirs. But my prayer is that God will continue to give me the peace that comes from understanding His will. Not my will Lord, but Yours! Please pray for us as we say good bye these next few days and weeks and remember the blessings of our Lord. I'll leave you with the prayer my dear friend Mer sent to me. Be blessed in our Lord.

Praying for you both to know His peace... especially in the midst of your (seemingly never ending) storm... maybe He just wants you to dance in the rain...