Difficult, emotional day

I don't know why this month is hitting me so hard, maybe its anniversary of Oma's passing, maybe its the just passing 6 years of IF, maybe its b/c our 7th anniversary is coming up, then my 31st bday, then Matt's 33rd bday, maybe its just b/c another year has come, and gone, with nothing to show for it except increased disappointment and more heartache and tears...

Dunno...

I've been very weepy today. I'm not even due for my period yet, like another week and a half to go...Just frustrated and tired, and sick of being let down month after month, even tho my brain knows it probably will never happen on its own, my heart gets hopeful each month...grrr. so stupid of me.

I know that this probably has something to do with it as well...My dear dear IF girlfriend is on her way to Israel as we speak. Its pretty amazing (and I'm HIGHLY jealous that I'm not with her! :) ) So I had jokingly said that she can go to the wailing wall on both our behalves, not thinking she actually could...Do you know that she has a prayer for Matt and I and our desires and yearning to be parents, and she is going to put it in the wailing wall and intercede on our behalf? Its so neat to think, that in one of the oldest, holiest places, the place that is known as the direct ear to heaven, that my beloved friend is going to bring our desire, our dreams, our heartache, our sadness and lay it before the Lord!!??!! Its just so amazing to me. Now I know that Jesus gave us that bridge that separates us from God so that he can hear us directly, no need for a priest in the Holy of Holies, I'm just speaking based on tradition. Its a holy and sovereign place, and my prayer will be placed there. Just overwhelms me, its an amazing thought. So that is adding to my tearful day (that and a bad day at work)...

I know I'm rambling nonsense. I'm just feeling so honored that my friend would do this for us, intercede on our behalf, and I know that she doesn't even have to ask me what to say, she could pray it verbatim, without even a peep from me...Its pretty neat, I think.

I try to keep my emotions in control, not let IF take control of who I am and what I desire. Most of the time, I succeed, but today I'm struggling...and prayers are appreciated.

Have a blessed day in the Lord.