I'm a mom...

I know this is nothing new. We all know that I'm a mom now. But this time last year, I didn't know WHAT I was, except exhausted, confused, and absolutely in love with my little boy.

I was struggling so much with Mother's Day last year, b/c I wasn't sure where I stood?? This previously IF woman, now with a squirmy infant in her arms... Where do I belong??

Well praise be, I have found some of who I am, have found out that above all I'm a child of God, but that I am the mom of a precious son, my miracle gift that was "asked of God and given". I am crazy about him, and so incredibly blessed.

We have come so far...God has brought us through the miry pit and has filled us with joy everlasting! He has sustained us through the hardship of IF, and continues to sustain us in the heart of job loss, money woes, health issues and crisis. I'm so thankful to have my Abba Father in our life. And feel honored to be able to share Jesus with my son.

Sorry there is truly no rhyme or reason to this post. Just sitting here thinking about how much has changed in the last year, and the last two years. And even tho we are struggling, and life is hard right now, I don't ever want to be misunderstood as knowing how blessed we truly are, and that I love my son more then anything within my worldly possession.

I changed my fb pic to my first picture with my son. So I'm gonna share it with you. Happy Mother's Day to all of you mommy's out there, then ones with your children in your arms, the ones with your children waiting for you in glory, and those still waiting for your precious ones to come to your arms! I love you all...

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Heartbreak...

A beautiful baby girl named Abigail ElizabethAnne is an IF baby. She is the product of 10 years of waiting, IVF, and wonderful parents waiting and hoping with patience. She is a sister to a little boy named Aaron, also a product of IVF, who shared the same living quarters with his sister.

Sadly Aaron went home to our Lord before there was even a chance of life in this world. But his sister, Abi, carried on like a trooper. Bringing comfort and love to her mommy, as she grieved the loss of her little Aaron.

Abi was born March 24th, 2012, 5 weeks too soon. She weighed in at 5lbs 1oz, and came out screaming and fiesty. Full of fire and absolutely beautiful. But Abi was found to have a defect in her heart, one that would require open heart surgery as soon as possible. At 4 days old, Abi had the surgery to repair her heart, doing as well as expected for the first few days. But on March 31, 2012, God had other plans. Abi joined her brother Aaron at the throne of our Lord.

I met Abi's mom about 7 years ago on Hannah's Prayer. She was in med school, studying to become a doctor, and had such a heart for those who where hurting and wanted to bring comfort. She has the kindest heart and a sensitive spirit, and has always lifted me up during our journey. Mandy and I have never met in person, but I have communicated with her through the world wide web for years. She shared with me her journey of IVF, the shots, ultra sounds, tests and bloodwork leading up to the creation of her perfect 3 embryo's. I prayed and waited anxiously to hear how the 2 she had implanted had done, begging God for my friend to have the gift of motherhood. And he blessed her with her twins. Oh how I rejoiced!! The tears I cried just flowed from heaven, such gratitude and excitement for these precious miracles!! Thank you Lord!

My heart broke at the hearing of Aaron's passing into grace. I fell to my knees, asking God why but praising him for this little girl that remained. When Mandy's water broke, my knees were down again, praying for this precious little girl, asking for an easy delivery, for a successful surgery, for miraculous healing, to make her heart whole. I did not know that God's answer to that prayer would be complete healing, complete wholeness. As he took her home to His arms.

Oh how I have wept, wept for this child. For such a profound loss. I don't understand. I just know that it is not for me to understand.

I'm thankful that I have the chance to pray for this family, to love on them, and most of all to carry the memory of Abi and Aaron with me. I don't know if God will tell these precious little ones of all the people who prayed for them or if they just know, but I do hope that one day I will get to meet them in glory. And to know they are 100% whole and dancing with so many other children I have prayed for over the years!!!

Thank you Mandy for sharing your story and your life with me. I love you ever so much, and am continuing to pray...

Even tho I don't understand Father, I hold true to "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be YOUR name." Because I KNOW that through your promises, you will lift us up!!!

Have a blessed day in the Lord.

WE have a ONE year old!

It's hard to believe a year has already passed!! Too quickly! Sam is ONE today! I remember this day so clearly from last year (now the weeks following? That's a different story! LOL). I was terrified of the C Section, afraid something would go wrong with the Pre eclampsia, then struggled watching him have a hard time breathing...But ended the day holding my perfect baby boy that my arms had longed to have for so long! Could it be they were finally full??

Now they are overflowing with a 26 lb little boy! He's not a baby anymore, he's a TODDLER. How did that happen?? My word, it has gone too fast! But every day I'm so thankful for this little boy, for this precious miracle that has rocked our world! Oh Lord, how did I get so blessed?? So lucky?

My heart has been hoping and praying for so many of my continued PI/IF girls. So much heart ache recently, and I'm just begging God for them to have this amazing chance. And I wonder why I was chosen, but yet so thankful. Such a weird place to be. Newly titled as "Former IF" and "MOM". Still getting used to that after so many years as the "IF girl", "Barren". Know what I mean?

I think most of all, I just want these girls that I love to know, no matter what even with this miracle in my arms, they are never far from my mind/heart. I have not forgotten, I CHOOSE to not forget, because I will continue to pray and hope for them...and you are loved...I will not forget...

Celebrating my miracle today! Continuing to pray for more miracles to come!! In all of it, GOD IS GOOD!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

A devotion...

So I was asked by a friend to do a devotion tomorrow for a Church meeting thing that I have. VERY last minute (930 TONIGHT!) and VERY unexpected!!!

I asked God to help me find something because me speaking in front of people and only with short notice is not a good combo.

My prayers lead me to a blog post I had written about 3 years ago, in the heart of our Infertility. Matt says its worthy of being put on the blog, so I told him I'd post...Here is the post, some of our story in our journey...

August 1, 2008
5 years ago....

5 years ago today...

We prayerfully decided it was time for us to expand our family...

5 years ago today...

My first cycle free of birth control pills and ready to go and actively Try to Conceive (TTC)

5 years ago today...

I began the anticipation, excitement, joy, fear, nervousness, and elation at the possibility that a little one would be in my arms within a year. That little one that I've thought about and prayed for my whole life. That little one that would complete our family, expanding on the love and joy we have with each other. A physical representation of that love together Matt and I have.

5 years later...

I had no idea I'd still be here, empty arms, shattered dreams, and a broken heart. That I'd have gone through all these tests, procedures, surgeries, violations, pokings, proddings, and humiliations, and yet still be left with empty arms. I had no idea 5 years ago, when I innocently walked into this decision, overwhelmed with possibilities and joy, that this is where I'd be, 5 years later.

Now mind you we have some amazing blessings in our life, I'm more in love with my hubby then I ever have been, and I'm grateful for that love, and the love of our family and Savior. But I'm still here, yearning for these children that God has laid on my heart. These two precious wee ones that have been a part of me my entire life, before I knew their names, before I knew what I wanted. Shoot before I had a hubby to try and make them with! :)

There is a relatively new song I've been hearing on the radio from Tenth Avenue North called "Love is Here".

God has been speaking to me through these words.
The beginning of the song begins:
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed.

I have "labored" and worked through so much and tried so hard to have a child and all of it seems to be in vain. I feel left in pieces, a barren woman unable to provide children for her husband. Unable to bring a beautiful life into this world so I can raise it up right and raise him/her in the Lord. A child that can bring a great sense of purpose and love into my life. I feel broken.

But the next words: Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.

His love is here, right now. His mercy is new every day, His love is here for me every morning with the sunrise and holds me as I drift to sleep in the sunset. And not just droplets of love, but pouring, overflowing, everlasting streams of love. Love that brings purpose to my life, to my husbands life, whether we are childless or not.

The next lines of the song:

And to the bruised and fallen,
captives, bound, and broken hearted.

He is the lord
He is the lord,

In it all, HE IS THE LORD! He is my Lord, whether I'm on the top of the mountain, excited about new things, or down in the pit, fallen by shame and brokenness, captive by my pain, bound by my desire and yearning, and broken hearted by my shattered dreams. HE IS LORD. He is my Lord, NO MATTER WHAT. And I'm not alone through this. My God is with me, and Matt. Beside me holding me, nourishing and refreshing me with His living waters. Loving me through these trials...And you know what? He really does satisfy. But I have to take the step, I have to except His living waters, and refresh my spirit. And in the midst of the pain and deep dark grief, its a very hard thing to do.

I'm in tears as I write b/c I truly am broken hearted and empty. I yearn so very deeply for my children. I dream about them, loving them, holding them. I dream of when that day comes that they are mine and physically with me, and no longer just a dream. I grieve the loss of the innocence that started 5 years ago, that sweet sweet innocence. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, I'm just writing as my heart flows with the tears.

For now, all I can do is hold on to my faith, even my frayed tattered faith, but its still there. Maybe my tears are the physical of His living waters, soothing my weary broken soul. Maybe its His waters that will fill the emptiness inside of me. Maybe one day I'll come out the other side of this and still know that My God is LORD. Til that day comes, when my tears are for joy, that is all I can hold on to, My LORD and his streams of flowing Love...Love is here...

The beauty of this, is the story did not end here. It continued on to a miracle baby boy named Samuel Russell who will be 1 year old 2 weeks from today. I found myself weeping as I read this post, because I’m in awe of the absolute miracle God has given us! He has blessed us abundantly and my heart is overflowing with praise and gratitude! We did not know what God’s answer was going to be for our life, if He’d grant us this desire our hearts held. But we continued to hold on to faith, and some days that faith held on by a hair. But we chose to believe that no matter what the outcome we would claim that HE is Lord, faithful to his children, and a loving God. And just because he could, he gave us our precious miracle!!

But my reason for reading this specific post was not just to share with you my story or specifically our infertility journey. Its the fact that its ALL the stories, each one’s grief and strife, broken hearts, shattered dreams. Through WHATEVER you are going through, HE IS STILL GOD. He will hold you in His arms, when you feel all alone in this world. He will fill you with his living waters, when your soul is parched and dry from heartache and grief. He will strengthen your faith, when your faith seems tattered beyond recognition. And he will carry you through, when you no longer have the strength to go on. He has promised never to leave us or forsake us. And my friends, I stand here, a living testament to that promise. Love is HERE.

Have a blessed day in the Lord!