Inspiration for me today.

So I've had a crappy couple of days in the life of infertility. In a nutshell, I had a false alarm, turned out to be nothing and my lovely period is here without and remorse for making me upset and miserable the last few days. I've been pretty upset and let down on the emotions of OH MY GOSH could it BE??? nope, sorry SIKE! jokes on you!!!! Grrrr...

So needless to say, I'm not a happy camper and quite frustrated with myself for believing it could have happened. HOWEVER I'm feeling better today emotionally thanks to some venting to my mommy and with my dear friend H. 2 hours of babbling with H on the phone about all the emotional turmoil and rollercoaster HELL (scuse the french) and I'm a lot less self-loathing today. THANK YOU MY FRIEND. ☺

Anyway, I was randomly reading on a blog of the wife of someone in the Band SELAH and about the loss of her little girl due to some birth defects. In her blog AUDREY CAROLINE she also talks about how her little nephew died of SIDS just 7 weeks after losing their little girl and also about a writer on her blog that lost her child shortly after birth. She writes:

"You could have let him live! WHY? What was wrong with my baby??? What do you have to gain from all of this loss????" I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt, and the hurt of a sister who I have never met. He never backs down, though, and I am grateful for that love. It is the love of a Father who Himself is well-acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father Who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. He knows. And He only has one request.

Bring it right to me, Angie.
Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me.
When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

Wow, that is what you call some powerful stuff. It totally hit me like a ton of bricks!!! Last night as I grieved the loss of what could have been and should have been, and grieved with my friend and the loss of her 4 precious little ones, my heart was crying out the same.

"You could have let this miracle really exist, but didn't?! WHY? What was the point in giving me false hope and riding this nightmare rollercoaster??? What do you have to gain from this torture???? What do you have to gain from taking my friend's little ones back to you??" I was the one screaming into the sky, crying over my pain and the pain of my precious sister and all of my IF buddies who are grieving the loss of their little ones and their shattered dreams. I wanted answers and was demanding them and angry at God for every minute any of us have had to endure this kind of pain. But I know my God did not back down, and continued to hold me and love me, even amidst my anger toward Him. I know that Jesus holds me, and cries with me, and feels the sorrow in the depths of my soul. In that place very few people know about that I carry with me daily. I know that when I'm walking through those troubled times, when it seems like I'm all alone and there is only one set of footprints in the sand, I know that God is holding me and carrying me through. So I know that His request of this lovely lady Angie, is also the request for me:

Bring it right to me, Talley.
Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me.
When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

Have a blessed day in the Lord.

So, since my last post was so depressing...

An online buddy of mine was trying to cheer me up after a rotten start to my morning. So she gave me this little joke. I have to tell you, I dunno if its lack of sleep or caffeine, or just plain funny, but it has me in a giggle fit!!! So I figgered, why not share the JOY with the rest of the world!!!

So here ya go! Have a blessed day in the Lord...

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of tampons and then proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
☺☺☺hee hee hee

Feeling sad...

So we went to church this morning like good little do-bees. Service was good as always. We ran into a friend of ours that we knew back in the day before Matt and I were an "item". So she goes WAY back. Anyway she just had a new baby. Married less then 4 years, pregnant in the first year and had a baby boy, and then just 2 years later this precious baby girl. Just like everything is SUPPOSED to go, RIGHT?

I was looking at this little one and marveling at how beautiful she is. No matter what, I am always in awe of God's awesomeness and the miracle of birth. I still fall over in astonishment at the way a child comes to be. Blows my mind!!! And this little girl is precious as all others! Just beautiful.

And yet I walked out, kissed matt good bye as he went off to work, and cried the whole way home. Its amazing how achey and heavy my empty arms get. How much I YEARN to have my own child held in my arms, nuzzling, breast feeding, completely content in the arms of his/her mother. I WANT that so very badly and I ache at the loss of each year. Most days I can be OK, make it through and be just fine and dandy. Pretend like its MY choice, MY decision to not be a mom yet. "Just waiting on God's timing", I say to those who ask why I haven't had a child yet. Usually answered by, "Your right, your young, you have PLENTY of time. Kids are a hassle, a problem. Enjoy being childless now, its the best thing." Right. Because this horrific empty feeling I have is "GREAT" and being childless is the best thing b/c kids will ruin my life. Yea. If only they knew what I'm really feeling. I laugh at the "god's timing" too...It be nice if he gave me a little heads up so the days wouldn't be so hard... *sigh*

All this to say, I want my babies. I yearn to have them in my arms, to nurture, and love, and guide in the ways of my Lord. My heart just hurts today...I want a baby...I want a child...

And I don't know if it will ever happen. And if it doesn't, I don't know if I can ever be OK....

Congratulations!

One of my IF buds from the boards I'm a part of just had her little miracle!! I'm so very excited for her b/c this little girl has been a long time coming! I'm so happy when those of us with IF can "move on and graduate" so to speak. I would never wish IF on anyone. Its' to heart wrecking, even in the best of circumstances! But when little miracles like this occur, it shows that God is still in control. I'm praying that one day I'll be able to make that announcement!

So, welcome to the world little ♥ Addison ♥!!! May God's divine promises remain with you throughout your miraculous little life!!! Congrats S and C! ☺

Have a blessed day in the Lord!!

Mother's Day...

So I was driving here and there today, trying to avoid that today is Mother's day (MD). Everywhere I turned there were signs that today is the day to celebrate mother's. Now don't get me wrong, I adore my mother! she is one of the most fantastic people in my life, she is my best friend, my confidant, my mentor. I don't know what life would be like without her! Or Dad for that matter! they are part of the stability and rock in my life, next to my husband. so yes, for MD I shall celebrate my mom and Matt will celebrate his.

But as I drove around today reading signs, and marquees with all these cool neat little sayings about MD and celebrating your mom and BEING a mom, my heart just breaks. Each little thing i read, each saying, each one cuts in to my heart, a little bit deeper and deeper each time. There was one that said something along the lines of "If you are not a mother yet, you should be, it is God's greatest blessing in your life." Um OK. What does that say about the blessings that God HAS given my life and my husbands life? Makes me feel like I'm being left out from this wondrous blessing, and then it makes me wonder why I am being left out. What did I do or me and Matt do that we don't deserve this "God's greatest blessing"? And not just me, but those who I love and care about who are also dealing and struggling with Infertility?

I know I'm probably not making alot of sense. But that is the nature of the beast. This beast called INFERTILITY. Doesn't make a lot of sense. I do know that God has something wondrous and special for my life and for my husband's life, but until I know what it is, i struggle, and I yearn, and I desire to have children and to bring forth little ones that I can wrap in the knowledge, love, and salvation of our Lord. I know that one day either God will grant me the desire of my heart, or he will help me through the loss of that desire.

All of this is to say, love the person you know who is w/o a child and who is yearning for that child. Love them and let them know that it is OK to not be out in the public eye on MD and "celebrate" with the world, when all you want in the world is to be a mom. Hold them, pray for them, and celebrate THEM for who they are. Remember that for a mom to be a mom, they must first have a child. So celebrate the "child". Celebrate the daughter in your life that MAKES you a mom. I know that my mom celebrates me. And b/c of it I feel love and joy on this very difficult day, instead of the great heartache that is normally here. Thank you Jesus for my mommy! And God be with those who are hurting today, and every day. May their desires be brought to fruition dear Lord! And help me through this day. 

Have a blessed day in the Lord! And for those who are, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! YOU ARE LOVED!

GOD IS SO SO SO SO SO GOOD!!!

So here is the scoop...While we were waiting on appeal and stuff for VR who denied Matt his wheelchair, we've been looking into other sources. Well through and AMAZING God thing, I came across a company called Florida SNAP who works for those who are special needs and finds them assistance for WHATEVER. Anyway, long story short, she referred us to the Darrel Gwynn Foundation regarding a POSSIBILITY that they could pay for a chair for Matt. Normally this is a gift that is reserved for children in need of a new chair because early intervention is key when working with special needs children. But Darrel Gwynn took a liking to Matt's story and decided to have us apply for an application. (he is also in a wheelchair following a car racing accident back in the 90's. You can see the story on his website)

WELL Praise the Lord God almighty!!!! Jehovah Jireh!!! My God is our Provider!!!!

The Darrel Gwynn Foundation is PURCHASING MATT A BRAND NEW POWER CHAIR!!!!!!

We are SO VERY EXCITED and incredibly grateful to this amazing foundation and their generosity!!! Just overwhelmed with emotion right now!!! The chair will be presented to Matt at the Nascar Coca-cola 400 on July 5th in DAYTONA!!!!! What an absolute blessing!!!! Oh my goodness! This chair is top of the line with all the perks Matt needs to function in his job and remain an independent and successful provider for our home. GOD IS SO GOOD!!! ALL PRAISE AND GLORY BE TO HIS NAME!!!! This is such an amazing blessing and we are incredibly grateful and humbled by the Lord's blessing and this company's generosity. We are unsure of all the details yet, but we know that the chair will be presented before the race on game day and we have tickets to the race!!! I don't know if it will be televised or not, they aren't sure either. We'll know more in a couple of weeks. This is so freaking amazing!!!! So tonight, if you read this, please take a knee before Jesus on our behalf, and thank him for the glorious things he has done for us!!!!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!!

Happy Nurses Day!!!

So today is National Nurse's Day. Tomorrow is School Nurses Day... ( I get 2 days! I'm so cool! HA!) and of course the 6-12 is National Nurses WEEK. I actually got a card from someone here at work!! I feel loved! Awww. ♥

So all this is to say:

CELEBRATE A NURSE YOU LOVE!!!!

Remember, think of how the world would be without nurses!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!