Feeling sad...

So we went to church this morning like good little do-bees. Service was good as always. We ran into a friend of ours that we knew back in the day before Matt and I were an "item". So she goes WAY back. Anyway she just had a new baby. Married less then 4 years, pregnant in the first year and had a baby boy, and then just 2 years later this precious baby girl. Just like everything is SUPPOSED to go, RIGHT?

I was looking at this little one and marveling at how beautiful she is. No matter what, I am always in awe of God's awesomeness and the miracle of birth. I still fall over in astonishment at the way a child comes to be. Blows my mind!!! And this little girl is precious as all others! Just beautiful.

And yet I walked out, kissed matt good bye as he went off to work, and cried the whole way home. Its amazing how achey and heavy my empty arms get. How much I YEARN to have my own child held in my arms, nuzzling, breast feeding, completely content in the arms of his/her mother. I WANT that so very badly and I ache at the loss of each year. Most days I can be OK, make it through and be just fine and dandy. Pretend like its MY choice, MY decision to not be a mom yet. "Just waiting on God's timing", I say to those who ask why I haven't had a child yet. Usually answered by, "Your right, your young, you have PLENTY of time. Kids are a hassle, a problem. Enjoy being childless now, its the best thing." Right. Because this horrific empty feeling I have is "GREAT" and being childless is the best thing b/c kids will ruin my life. Yea. If only they knew what I'm really feeling. I laugh at the "god's timing" too...It be nice if he gave me a little heads up so the days wouldn't be so hard... *sigh*

All this to say, I want my babies. I yearn to have them in my arms, to nurture, and love, and guide in the ways of my Lord. My heart just hurts today...I want a baby...I want a child...

And I don't know if it will ever happen. And if it doesn't, I don't know if I can ever be OK....