Inspiration for me today.

So I've had a crappy couple of days in the life of infertility. In a nutshell, I had a false alarm, turned out to be nothing and my lovely period is here without and remorse for making me upset and miserable the last few days. I've been pretty upset and let down on the emotions of OH MY GOSH could it BE??? nope, sorry SIKE! jokes on you!!!! Grrrr...

So needless to say, I'm not a happy camper and quite frustrated with myself for believing it could have happened. HOWEVER I'm feeling better today emotionally thanks to some venting to my mommy and with my dear friend H. 2 hours of babbling with H on the phone about all the emotional turmoil and rollercoaster HELL (scuse the french) and I'm a lot less self-loathing today. THANK YOU MY FRIEND. ☺

Anyway, I was randomly reading on a blog of the wife of someone in the Band SELAH and about the loss of her little girl due to some birth defects. In her blog AUDREY CAROLINE she also talks about how her little nephew died of SIDS just 7 weeks after losing their little girl and also about a writer on her blog that lost her child shortly after birth. She writes:

"You could have let him live! WHY? What was wrong with my baby??? What do you have to gain from all of this loss????" I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt, and the hurt of a sister who I have never met. He never backs down, though, and I am grateful for that love. It is the love of a Father who Himself is well-acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father Who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. He knows. And He only has one request.

Bring it right to me, Angie.
Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me.
When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

Wow, that is what you call some powerful stuff. It totally hit me like a ton of bricks!!! Last night as I grieved the loss of what could have been and should have been, and grieved with my friend and the loss of her 4 precious little ones, my heart was crying out the same.

"You could have let this miracle really exist, but didn't?! WHY? What was the point in giving me false hope and riding this nightmare rollercoaster??? What do you have to gain from this torture???? What do you have to gain from taking my friend's little ones back to you??" I was the one screaming into the sky, crying over my pain and the pain of my precious sister and all of my IF buddies who are grieving the loss of their little ones and their shattered dreams. I wanted answers and was demanding them and angry at God for every minute any of us have had to endure this kind of pain. But I know my God did not back down, and continued to hold me and love me, even amidst my anger toward Him. I know that Jesus holds me, and cries with me, and feels the sorrow in the depths of my soul. In that place very few people know about that I carry with me daily. I know that when I'm walking through those troubled times, when it seems like I'm all alone and there is only one set of footprints in the sand, I know that God is holding me and carrying me through. So I know that His request of this lovely lady Angie, is also the request for me:

Bring it right to me, Talley.
Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me.
When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

Have a blessed day in the Lord.