While I'm Waiting...

We went to see Fireproof tonight with a friend. I highly recommend it.

I'm still struggling and hurting and just overwhelmed with ache for this child that Matt and I have prayed so long for. Its funny, even in the midst of my pain, God speaks. I was overwhelmed with emotion from a song I heard from the movie. Never heard it before. Yet it touched me to the depths of my soul. I believe it will become a life song for me, for us. But I know I'm not their yet, I know it will take God working in me to make the words of this song come to life.

I still hurt, and I still ask "why God, why?" and hearing a song didn't miraculously cure me or make me feel A-OK again. But I believe it to be a start. Thank you for loving us, and supporting us. Turn off the music at the bottom before listening to this video, and the lyrics are at the bottom. I pray one day I can shout out from the depths of my soul I WILL SERVE YOU LORD WHILE I'M WAITING! I WILL WORSHIP YOU LORD, WHILE I'M WAITING!!!

Lord, I'm waiting.......

While I’m Waiting
Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24
John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Struggling tonight.....

Matt is at a poker game and for the first time in 4 months I actually have the house to myself for a few hours. I'm exhausted and should really just go to bed, but I find myself reminiscing. I find in the quiet of my house and my brain, being there is nothing to do, I'm left staring at the proverbial elephant in the room, that I"ve had no choice but to ignore during this health crisis with Matt. But I'm overwhelmed with the emotion of loss and pain....And I'm alone to endure it.

We just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last week and b/c Matt and I have been struggling the last few months through all of this, I thought it would be neat just to watch our wedding video. So I'm seeing all the fun and glory of that day just 6 years ago...It was surreal to see, its seems like yesterday and also like forever ago, almost like a dream...And so many of you were there!!

I saw my uncle, Oma, Matt's uncle and aunt who have all since left this world and are residing in a palace in heaven...They were all so happy and healthy and vibrant with life, it was kinda neat, but struck a heart string of sadness.

Then I found myself looking at all these several couples that married the same year as us, or after us. One is baking their first child, one set has 2 already, another has her 3rd on the way, another has 3 now, and my childhood bff has 2 since then.

We're it, we are the last couple w/o children. And not for lack of trying of course. I just think back to that day and that bride who looked at her whole future, seeing a career, a loving Hubby, and a couple a babies in tow...All I've ever wanted to be was a nurse and a mommy. I've never had any other dream or desire so strong, so determined....

But I"m not her anymore. I have the wonderful hubby, even tho times are hard and we're struggling, he truly is. I have a career i love, filled with the sound of children who I care for daily. But that dream, the one with the babies? Its not here, and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. A year we've been on hold now, unable to move forward in this journey. 12 months of attempts that are washed down the drain b/c of lack of WHATEVER....

I'm so tired of standing still unable to go forward with this. If I could go forward, do IVF or adoption or whatever, at least TRY the next step and it doesn't work, then fine, I can come to grips with this not being God's will. But I can't even do that. I can't afford to even TRY to have a baby. I can't do a thing but sit here month after month after month w/o any ability to move forward. And no matter what we do to save up and attempt, it gets taken away. By illness, medical equipment, bills, wheelchairs, conversions, illness. I'm so tired of being on hold. I'm so tired of being empty armed. Its just not fair...

My BABY cousin, who was at my wedding, He and his wife of just a year are expecting their first child! I'm So thrilled for them and He's so happy and they are so deserving, but I ask God, "why not us?"...Why everyone around us and not us? Why do we have to keep going month after month, year after year, and yet just barely together, so happy and deserving, they are blessed with this wee one, and again its not us...I have to watch my dream lived out through others, watch all these fulfilled dreams for all these people around me and yet my dream is just slipping away. Everyone around me is attaining this blessing and I'm left here alone and empty arms. And I may never attain it.....And that hurts so bad. I yearn, I ACHE for a child. I care for kids for a living, I watch bad parents abuse, neglect, abandon these little ones who I would give almost anything to have of my own. And yet God ignores my cry and passes these helpless wee ones to homes w/o love. I weep and yet it feels as if my hurt, my pain, my tears fall on a God with deaf ears. I know he is a good God a gracious God, but how can He allow this? It hurts too much, and no one deserves to endure this....

Why don't I deserve a child? Why don't we?? Why is it they are blessed beyond measure and yet my dreams are shattered all around me??? I don't understand I don't get it. My hubby and I have enough struggles and trials and tribulations to endure, and we've come out of it, strong, united, and still in LOVE. And yet we are given yet another cross to bear and I just don't know how much more I can take. I am feeling so broken, isolated, empty. My arms hurt, physically hurt and nothing I do takes the pain away...

I want to be a mommy. Please God I want to be a mommy...Father hear my cries!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

TO US! 6 years today we have been married! hard to believe! Interesting anniversary it shall be, filled with IV antibiotics and percocet! HA. Here is a picture from our wedding day!!!

So since I was here I thought I'd update you all on how he is doing. Matt is doing WONDERFULLY from this surgery! We even went to church on Saturday evening! It's been a while! And then out to dinner with my folks! It was nice to have some normalcy for the first time in a LOOONG time!!

Praise God the insurance approved Matt to have Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy (HBOT). So far for 40 visits! It is quite a commitment indeed, 3 hrs a day 5 days a week for at least 8 weeks. But the schedule has fallen into place, and I have back up for everyone to take him. Thank God! He starts treatment on Monday. We spoke to the HBO team on Wednesday and went through orientation and all that fun. Its very interesting and should LORD WILLING help with his healing in all aspects. Bone, skin, incision. We are still going to several Doctor appts a week, but things are starting to fall into a schedule again.

This has been an interesting journey to say the least, but your thoughts and prayers have been felt through all of it! Thank you for all of you who have been supporting us through thoughts, prayers, and any other way you can think of!

Well, its late and I must keep up on my sleep!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

Update...

Sorry guys, couldn't get wifi here yesterday...


So EVERYTHING went very very well...Surgery was a success and no pins needed to stabilize the bone. Dh is already feeling a difference in his foot, hurt b/c of the incision but not that internal ouchie achey pain. YAY...guess his body really was rejecting or fighting the plate.

They put a foley cath in so no issues with peeing! Came out no issue and is peeing fine! YAY (I know TMI)...

He probably could have gone home tonight but we just decided to wait and go home in the AM. I'm truly amazed at the difference! He is feeling better, color is better, and less "torture" like before

no IV stick b/c of the PICC line, no pee issue b/c of the foley, and feeling better with the plate out! GOD IS GOOD! The last few times have been soo bad, that it was a blessing to not have a "bad experience".

THANK you so much for praying and being there for us! Its a true blessing! We love you! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Update on Matt....

Matt has been having worsening pain and increased swelling, redness, and just general not feeling well. He's been doing very well for several weeks now, but the last 3-4 days he's just not been feeling so hot. He's back on narcotics around the clock and is unable to do much b/c just doesn't feel good and lots of pain. We went back to the MD today...

Infection is beginning to recur b/c the plate is impeding the bone growth and healing. The plate needs to come out, like yesterday. The only opening the hospital has is on Monday, first one 730am. (Palms West Hospital) He said we need to keep doing antibiotic of course, but no reason to admit him for the same thing I'm doing at home (makes sense). He increased him from Vicodin to Percocet and told me to keep him narc'd up until Monday...So that's what I'm gonna do! He is in so much pain!! :( He should remain in the hospital over night at the most and be home by Tuesday morning.

Wed he has an appt with the wound doc and his first hyperbaric oxygen therapy treatment. which he'll do 5 days a week 3-4 hours a day for at least 4 weeks...We're hoping and praying this will help accelerate the bone healing and kill the infection once and for all! Will also help with the wound healing post operative. He'll remain on IV antibiotics another 4-6 weeks post op.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We are completely fried/frazzled, and just frustrated with the whole situation. WE are both at the end of our patience and feel like we can't make it this next step, yet we have no choice! We could truly use prayers, and uplifting! I know Matt is struggling on all levels and is fighting to stay positive. This has been an extremely difficult time for us both and we need you all more then ever!!

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts! I'll keep you posted as the next few days unfold!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord.

PS Kitty is doing fine! oh and surprise surprise ITS A GIRL!!!! So um, gotta change her name from Max to ???... All though we are leaning toward Lily.

More Pics of NO NAME

He really does need a name!! Suggestions?

Joy is adjusting very well!! They even love on each other!!! Buster, well he is um, not there yet! :) But he is hissing less!! hee hee

HAVE A BLESSED DAY IN THE LORD!

LOOKIE WHAT WE GOT!!!

My friend called and asked if I wanted a kitten. Her friend found 2 of them on the side of the road. SURE I said... But after the hurricane...Well then she called back and said her friend's hubby is going to have the kittens put down if she doesn't get rid of them herself TODAY!! She desperately asked if I could take one on a trial basis.

But I gotta tell ya, I'm in love with this little one already!!! Isn't s/he cute? Dunno what it is yet, I'm leaning toward boy but I'm not sure what package I'm seeing!!!

Anyway, s/he was dirty (got a BATH), but otherwise OK, eyes and nose are clear, ears are clear, no mites, no fleas...tooshy looks OK too. Has pooped and peed YAY!!! but appears a little malnourished but otherwise very active. Ate kitten chow w/o an issue and is drinking....

So Matt said last night "NOOO we are only keeping it for a few days til you find it a home." Which I answered to, "No problem honey (yea right!) whatever you say." Kitty is sound asleep right now in Matt's LAP where he is just snuggling the baby!! hee hee, its MINE!! Matt's falling for his adorable wittle face too!!!

Is this not such an adorable kitten??? S/he is white and light orange, playful! And a snuggler! Got to get him/her to a vet soon to be checked out.

So what do you think? Adorable right?

This is the pic of the two of them wide awake...Guess who is inheriting the other kitten? MOM! She was "kitty sitting" for my friend who had it for the night last night, and DAD of all people has fall in love with this little thing! IT LOVES HIM!!! So they got the tortisey one with the longer hair (girl we think) and we got the orange and white one (boy we think)...

I'm in LOOOVE!!! Ideas for names? Have a blessed day in the Lord!!!

I know I know, BAD BLOGGER!!

You can smack my hand! But can I just say its been absolutely CRAZY and I've got good excuses!!

So last weekend I flew up to PA and celebrated my friends', L and B, wedding. I went with my other bud N. L and N and me all went to high school together and it was neat having the 3 of us back together again for such a joyous occasion!

In fact, it happened to fall on the 2 year anniversary of Oma's Heaven Day. A day that usually has me in tears, and I was able to have JOYFUL tears in celebration for my dear friend! What a blessing and beautiful way to take the sting off of the day.

Matt is doing fine, still home, still healing. Tentatively he is to have surgery to have the hardware taken out next week but with Hurricane Ike looming around, dunno if it will happen. I'll keep you posted. He's stir crazy and lonely and just ready for this all to be over! We are on the home stretch tho! About 5 1/2-6 weeks to go! He should be back to work in time for my 30th Birthday! YIKES! (Yes I'm gonna be 30. SCARY)

Well I'm at work and should really be working! I will post pics of the wedding soon, you can see me in my dress, and will give you a better, longer update later!! Hope everyone is well!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!