So this past week has pretty much sucked. Not much else to say about it. Some of this will be probably TMI, but you know, my blog my writing, my TMI to share!! We were just coming to the end of our first month trying to conceive (TTC) since I had surgery. I was incredibly hopeful and in my silly little brain ACTUALLY THOUGHT I might end up PG. Nice cleaned out insides, ovulated on cue, and Matt on supplements to enhance the "guys". What a thought, to get PG on our own without spending hundreds of thousands of dollars. UGH. But alas, my period started on Sunday. I even wasted a PG test, something I haven't done for a very long time. I guess I did OK on Sunday, just accepted it and figured, there will be next time. Then Monday came.
I worked all weekend on Punkie's video. My MIL asked me if I could do a memorial for him and I had been sorting through pictures and verses and music for the video, so it could be just perfect for the memorial. I guess the drop in hormones, along with losing our beloved Punkie PLUS my period starting = a really REALLY bad temper tantrum. I truly have not had a break down like this in a long while when it comes to us TTC and our desire for a child. But man I wept and sobbed and cussed and screamed and yelled at God and just lost it. (I was home by the way for MLK day, Matt was at work) I cried till I couldn't cry any more, then I rested, and started all over again. All the years of heartache and sorrow came out in one fell swoop. I guess I tend to hold it in or pretend its not there, but um, I failed miserably this time. I actually had "HOPE" this cycle, and because of being full of hope and holding the expectation so high, the fall is much farther, much harder then a cycle without hope.
I talked with Matt and my mom when they came home, just screamed at God, "WHY!!!". I was, and probably still am, angry at this situation we are in. Its so very difficult to have this overwhelming desire and internal yearning that over powers you. This desire that has been there since childhood, since before childhood. Its instilled in my very being. And then to not understand why God placed it there, just to leave it void and unfulfilled. What kind of God could allow that to happen to His child? HIS daughter. Right? I have no answers to these tough questions. Even now when my "listening ears" are back in place to hear what God has to say. But God showed me this week that he is still here, and listening, and holding me. Even if I don't get the answers I'm seeking.
Later on in the week was Punkie's funeral. Thursday was cold but an absolutely beautiful day. The Navy presented a flag and a bagpipe player played in the background. A priest from Punkie's church came and performed the service. You know the typical Catholic service, with the set up binder (not a bible) with the laid out prayers and verses, certain things that are read specifically for a funeral. It flowed beautifully and he spoke well of Punkie. Then the priest put the binder down, and picked up a bible. Now I'm not Catholic, but very rarely have I seen them use an actual bible to preach or to give rights or funeral service. They speak from the bible, but without it actually in their hands. Make sense? Anyway he picked up a bible and informed us that Mum wanted a specific Psalm read at the service. So he began to read from Psalm 91:
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
Now only my mom, Matt and I knew what I had used in the video. And without having talked to my MIL or even discussing wording being used, I had placed the same end of Psalms 91 in Punkie's memorial video. As we say in the MacIntosh house, "THAT'S A GOD THING!"
In the midst of my sorrow, heartache, trials and tribulations, God showed His hand. In such a small and unique way, that some may even chock up to a "coincidence". But I know that a coincidence is just God remaining anonymous. Clear as day I could see God's hand, guiding me, guiding the situation, even guiding our fertility. Does that change the hurt? NO. Does it make the yearning any less achey, or my heart and arms any less heavy? NO. But do I feel less ignored, less alone in this journey. Most definitely.
IF is hard and painful and frustrating. This has been such a difficult journey and I'm not sure what the outcome will be in the end. It is possible that one day I will have to grieve the loss of this dream and give up my journey to parenthood. Its gonna suck if I have to, and God is gonna have to do a lot of healing and holding of my heart. God has only promised me this:
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11
But He does NOT promise that my future is a "child". That I will prosper in pregnancy or adoption. But he DOES promise me hope and a life abundant. And he does promise to answer my prayers, even if the answer is NO. Today, I'm OK. Tomorrow, I might be falling apart at the seams again. I'm grateful that my God is one of forgiveness and grace, to pick me back up, dust off my pride, and allow me to try again. Even though my "hopes" were dashed and crushed this week, God promises me more hope, renewed hope, to bring in a new day.
Please continue to pray for us. Don't forget us and our journey, our HOPES. My heart's greatest desire is to be a momma of this little boy and girl that are named and in my heart. Know that I'm OK, even in the melt downs, and how much your love, prayers, hugs, and friendship means to me.
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
3 comments:
Oh Talley, I'm praying with you - all the time. May that bring a touch of comfort to your heart!
(((Talley))) Well said, sweetie. Amen!
Hope this week is a better one. I enjoyed your VS in Jeremiah.There is so much love in your life, I pray it makes your heartache tolerable today. :) Miss you!
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