Man I can not shut off my brain...

So its 0219 in the freaking morning. I've had no issue sleeping since surgery but tonight I can not shut off my brain. I'm not working tomorrow (or at all yet) so its not a big deal. Just annoying b/c I'm tired and would like to sleep...This will be long. GET A SNACK AND GO POTTY. :)

So recap:

Surgery went well, all tho it was some of the most horrific post op recovery pain I've ever felt. I have an allergy to general anesthesia (Malignant hyperthermia for you nurse folk), so they put me under with IV sedation, b/c of that I feel EVERYTHING immediately upon waking up. It took about 3 1/2 hrs to get the pain under control. it was bad...I just remember crying out to Jesus, to please take the pain away.

I stayed until late the next day, they got the pain under control...I'm better, but sure as heck not 100%... maybe 60%? or 50%...but I've been running half mast for so long, 60% could be improvement! HA. I went for post op today and surgeon states I'm doing well. Having some "dumping syndrome" issues from too much bile and now no regulating gall bladder, but I have meds for it if it does not stop or slow by the weekend. He said I could go back on light duty as of tomorrow, no heavy lifting/excessive standing, but otherwise I'm good to go. Listen to my body don't over do it. You know common sense stuff that doesn't really apply in my job anyway.

Well, this morning my HR person from work who is not the one I've been dealing with, called and told me I have to go clear across to the other side of town and meet at the main district after my appt to speak with the "big wig" and get my "papers in order" before returning to work. Now they are a devious bunch of hooligans, and I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. I freaked out and called dad who drove me JUST IN CASE I was to angry to drive home from down town west palm beach.

Well my instincts were right, turns out they wanted to talk with me about my probation and its extension (another very long story but totally retarded over 10 min of time) and that I'm on probation clear in to Oct (um NEXT school year) now and that if I look wrong they can and will fire me. Long story short(ish) this TWO HOUR UNPAID meeting was nothing more then me having to defend my good name. And I did too! Respectfully but with the force needed. AND to top it all off, they decided TODAY they no longer accept light duty that I can't come back to work until cleared at 100%. Um MD wrote for May 9th as my 100% clear date. EEK. So now I have to go bug him and see if he can bump it up to like next week. Because I decided that I will take this week to put in resumes and get a new permanent job, b/c after 4 1/2 years of employment, the time has come, *big gulp*, to resign from the Health Care District.

I was going to wait until summer and hold on to insurance, but if I am "fired" for blowing my nose wrong, they can make me ineligible for rehire and that is a nasty little scarlet letter on your record and makes it VERY difficult to find a job. I'm not to keen on my per diem job (very disorganized and chaotic, not a great environment) so I'm looking into some other options. It looks like I'll be headed back to the hospital, all tho another potential popped up this evening. I really don't know yet what is coming down the road.

God has thrown a huge neon sign saying "TIME TO QUIT NOW" in front of me, but I'm terrified of jumping off the cliff with nothing protecting our insurance and livelihood. I'm scared half to freaking death and I am so unsure of what the future holds. One of my online buds wrote to me: "God's will does not take us anywhere His grace can not cover". Which is SOOO true! And soothing words to my weary soul. But I'm battling the fear of the unknown. I've had this Steven Curtis Chapman song flowing around in my head tonight (part of why I can't sleep)...The chorus goes:

My heart is racing and my knees are weak
As I walk to the edge
I know there is not turning back
Once my feet have left the ledge
And in the rush I hear a voice
That’s telling me it’s time
to take the leap of faith
So here I go!

I’m diving in, I’m going deep
in over my head, I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow,
in over my head, I want to go
The river’s deep, the river’s wide,
the river’s water is alive
So sink or swim, I’m diving in

Maybe its a sign? DIVE IN TALLEY! So um, yea I'M SCARED! I want the faith to be able to just dive in and be taken by the flood. But I'm so afraid of drowning and taking Matt down with me, ya know? Its just a weird place to be. A terrifying and new place to be. I'm used to comfort and peace and safety in the place God has put me, and yet here I am, getting ready to dive off to, well, who knows where!! But I know and have 100% peace that I am to quit, scuse me, resign from school health. And that too is bittersweet. I love my school, kids, staff, and I love what I do. I'm good at it. But I can not allow a company to tarnish my reputation and good name that I've worked SO hard at creating and maintaining. Its not worth it. SIGH SIGH SIGH...

SO my dear friends and family I'm in desperate need of prayer. Supernatural overflowing prayer. For direction, for job security, for peace from this fear. Cuz it seems God has new plans for us and well, sink or swim folks...I'm DIVING IN!!!

EEK!