ARGH!!!!

You know, I've been SO busy with life and health and work and all that I have not really had time to think about our IF and how frustrating it is coming in to our 6th year of trying to have a child. But of course, Mother's day is tomorrow and the frustration level in me is about through the roof!

I'm trying to be patient and understanding to those who are naive, or ignorant to our situation. Trying to educate along the way, and forgive for unintentional situations that may occur. But I'm losing patience. ARGH.

Example: The other day my friend innocently sent me a link to something infant/toddler related. Very innocent, by no means trying to hurt my feelings. She would NEVER EVER do that. So I commented back that you know, really? You needed to send me this particular link? She responded very apologetic and I took the opportunity to educate her on IF "ethics" for lack of a better term. That to send me a link for this is like poking the proverbial bruise. It stings the heart to see something so very much not a part of my life, and it hurts, however silly that may seem. So she apologized and I of course have no issue, and in fact thought, "Score one for the IF team, I got my point across!".

But alas, the comment was not left at that, she responded with a "I wish you wouldn't think about it and just be happy." Um yea me too. But unfortunately this is not something you can hide from (however hard we may try). Reminders and "bruise poking" are all around. And unless I stuff myself into a trunk and stay there for the rest of my life, I will always be surrounded by reminders. I can't NOT think about it. Have you ever looked around and seen how vast the sea of preggie bellies and babies extends? Its amazing! And heartbreaking. Do I let it take my joy, my happiness? Certainly not, but does it hurt? HELL YEA!! It hurts like crazy!!! And I just learn to live through the pain and heartache, and hope I make it to the next day.

See with Mother's Day being tomorrow, I'm reminded 10x more of what I'm missing. I'm frustrated and irritable and HURTING inside and the stinkin' "just get over it" or "do this this and this and you'll feel better" crap is just not cutting it! I can't seem to get it through people's thick skulls...

INFERTILITY SUCKS! AND IT HURTS!!!

Showering my mother with gifts and attention, going to church and rubbing my open wounds in babies and celebrations of "the mother", or pretending everything is fine when it ISN'T will NOT FIX MY PAIN! In fact it will probably worsen it and have a longer lasting affect. There is no quick fix, no cure for the pain that comes from IF, people!! Don't tell someone that just ignoring the giant polka dotted elephant in the room will make you FEEL BETTER. It WON'T!!!

I'm grateful and blessed that I have a mom AND a mom in law that are sensitive to my hurting heart and how difficult this time of year is for me. And the fact that it worsens every year that my arms are empty...sigh.

SO tomorrow, I am staying home from church, we have already given cards to our mom's, and I plan on hiding under a rock with a big box of chocolate. And you know what? As disturbed as that may sound to the non IFer, or to someone with arms full of squirmy adorable babies, it is OK. I am allowed to take a day and hide under a rock, and just b/c I do, doesn't mean that I'm nuts or not OK. I will be fine, on Monday...

Have a blessed day in the Lord.