Ley Sigh...

So...the IF monster strikes again...

You know, I'm so tired of being the "last one", being asked "why don't you have kids", feeling my heart break over and over again because another announcement, and its not mine...And I hate when its unexpected, and knocks me over without me being aware its coming.

I was having a perfectly good evening. Matt and I met up with a friend of ours, D, who is in town from Tampa. We haven't seen her in a year (which would be this year of CHAOS) and it was just awesome to get together! We laughed so hard we teared up, we ate good food, just enjoyed fellowship. I came home in such a good mood, laughing and joking with Matt, just enjoying our evening. Then WHAM...IF hits me right between the eyes...

I was on facebook (yes I'm a facebook girl) and I see a post. "The three of us are on our way to blah blah, well 3 1/2 of us." Totally caught me off guard. A friend (and she is the daughter in law of another friend) are pregnant with their 2nd. Their 1st is not even 2. I hadn't heard it through the "yee haw someone is pregnant" grapevine yet, so it totally caught me off guard. I'm usually good at "sensing" when someone is going to tell me that either they are pg or someone I know is pg... But I wasn't warned b/c this person wasn't talking to me directly. It was a blanket FB statement to the world.

I called my mom to inform her of this lovely new miracle, that someone else is getting again and she already knew. You could hear it in her voice that she just hadn't gotten to me in time to warn me, and regretted that I found out before said warning could be placed. I hate that I need to be warned. But that's of my own wishes, b/c I hate being hit between the eyes even more. And I could hear that I should just be happy about it...And you know, I probably should, but I'm not...

I try not to have it affect me, try to be happy and joyful, even commented on her FB "congrats"...But it hurts so so so very much. I want to be the one making the announcement. I want to be the one jumping up and down for joy b/c WE are pg. But alas, as we come into our SIXTH (yes sixth) year of lack of fertility, of desiring our child and trying for that child, I'm reminded again of what we don't have. What we yearn for so much, yet don't have, and as time goes on, may never have. I'm running out of time physically, and I just see my dream slipping far far away...

I walk around pretending that I'm just fine and dandy, that its OK that I'm childless, infertile, NOT someones mom...That I can handle it, that I'm OK with it, that it is whatever God has meant for us. Yea that is a big fat freaking lie. I'm NOT OK with this, I'm NOT OK that we are again being left in the dust. Gosh I have friends that are on their 3rd and 4th. Their FIRSTS are in Kg, 1st grade and some even older. And the older I get, the less our chances will be, the more it slips away, the more I lose this dream.

I don't want to lose my dream. I want to throw a damn tantrum and just beg God for the child I long for. Why God? Why us? Why me? or rather, why NOT us? why NOT me? And I feel like there isn't a sole in the world who understands. They try, they give me pity, and sympathy, and that sad pathetic look of "oh poor you". But they just DON'T GET IT!. IF hurts SO much...I pretend on a daily basis, and the truth is I hurt, all the time. I yearn, I ache, I desire OUR child, and every month, every cycle, every day, my arms come up empty and my heart, shattered beyond recognition.

I want to be a mom, I want a baby, and I just don't understand why God denies us this desire...And I was having such a good evening...And now I sit her alone, in broken silence, feeling isolated, surrounded by nothing but a sea of grief and heartbreak. Its just not fair....so unfair... :*(