My new favorite word! Praise God I only have "fibroadenoma". Basically a BENIGN mass!!!
SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL!
A LONG couple of days waiting for the biopsy to occur and ultimately for the results. I still need to monitor myself closely and have the follow up mammograms, but for today CANCER is not a part of MY health and life.
Again, PRAISE GOD!
But man, it got me doing so much contemplating and thinking and wondering about how my life would change, how things would be, what would now lie ahead. And ultimately, releasing that control to God, and letting Him guide our path. Not an easy feat for sure.
I have so many things to be thankful for, and yet I forget that from time to time. Nothing like facing the big "C" to give your life some perspective and remember the good God has done in your life!
~I have an amazing husband, loving, kind and generous of his time and gifts. My helpmate that has stood (um sat?) by me in times of need, heartache and female insanity.
~I have a beautiful son, my precious gift, my Sam- "asked of God and given". He's healthy and smart and such a joy in my life.
~I have an amazing family both through blood and through marriage, who support me and love me.
~I have a job and a BEAUTIFUL roof over my head. I have sunrises that sparkle and dance on the lake every morning, and sunsets that blaze the sky every evening.
~I have an everlasting salvation and love of a savior that is beyond what my earthly mind can comprehend.
I. AM. BLESSED.
I urge you to look at the beauty in your life!! Do not wait for the "scare" to evaluate all the wonderful blessings around you. Yes I know I sound all sappy, but hey! Cancer is scary, and it SCARED some sense into me! So I'm offering that sense to you. In all things, GOD IS STILL GOOD...
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
The Unknown...
Hmm, I will type before coming up with a title, because I don't know what to title this post. We haven't really said anything to anyone, but we have been dealing with a terrifying possibility.
I have a mass in my left breast.
It all started as some soreness and finding a lump. 5 days ago I went for my first ever mammogram and u/s, where the lump I found was nothing (praise God!), but we have found another. And unfortunately its solid (not cystic) and suspicious. So I be-bopped my way to the breast surgeon and I am scheduled for a needle biopsy on Wednesday (5/22). It has been a whirlwind of a week!
I'm 34 y/o and I am facing the possibility of, gulp, cancer.
Now of course there is a nice chance that it will be just a benign mass that is being a pest and of course that is our hope and prayer! But just the possibility brings an overwhelming, uncontrollable fear. It is messing with my routine, my sleep (hence the 1230am typing) and just flat out scares the CRAP out of me.
The surgeons extra concern is because of the hormones I took for IVF, and the vast increase of Estrogen in my body for the IVF process. Great IF could come back and bite me in the butt for this too, seriously?? Can't a girl catch a break?
*SIGH*
So my husband, by my side, has been walking (er um rolling) me through this process. Standing (sitting) beside me while I freak out, do OK, then have a mini melt down at 2 in the morning. I know that God is in control, I know that God will walk us through whatever we have to face, I know that nothing happens that hasn't sifted through His hands, but I. AM. SCARED.
To think I yearned for my little boy for so long and the very thing that brought him to me could cause me illness makes me frustrated and angry. Its really NOT fair. Yes I know life's not fair, but for the love of God, gimme a break already!
And, hopefully chances are, it will be nothing. My prayer and desire is for it to be nothing! I have a love/hate relationship with my breasts anyway, but I don't want to contemplate losing either one without it being on MY terms. So this needs to be nothing. :-)
So here we are, facing the possibility of a new chapter in our life. A scary chapter. A chapter of "the unknown". (Hey look at that, that can be the title) OR, life could continue on as usual!
Right now, I'm just ready for it to be Wednesday!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
I have a mass in my left breast.
It all started as some soreness and finding a lump. 5 days ago I went for my first ever mammogram and u/s, where the lump I found was nothing (praise God!), but we have found another. And unfortunately its solid (not cystic) and suspicious. So I be-bopped my way to the breast surgeon and I am scheduled for a needle biopsy on Wednesday (5/22). It has been a whirlwind of a week!
I'm 34 y/o and I am facing the possibility of, gulp, cancer.
Now of course there is a nice chance that it will be just a benign mass that is being a pest and of course that is our hope and prayer! But just the possibility brings an overwhelming, uncontrollable fear. It is messing with my routine, my sleep (hence the 1230am typing) and just flat out scares the CRAP out of me.
The surgeons extra concern is because of the hormones I took for IVF, and the vast increase of Estrogen in my body for the IVF process. Great IF could come back and bite me in the butt for this too, seriously?? Can't a girl catch a break?
*SIGH*
So my husband, by my side, has been walking (er um rolling) me through this process. Standing (sitting) beside me while I freak out, do OK, then have a mini melt down at 2 in the morning. I know that God is in control, I know that God will walk us through whatever we have to face, I know that nothing happens that hasn't sifted through His hands, but I. AM. SCARED.
To think I yearned for my little boy for so long and the very thing that brought him to me could cause me illness makes me frustrated and angry. Its really NOT fair. Yes I know life's not fair, but for the love of God, gimme a break already!
And, hopefully chances are, it will be nothing. My prayer and desire is for it to be nothing! I have a love/hate relationship with my breasts anyway, but I don't want to contemplate losing either one without it being on MY terms. So this needs to be nothing. :-)
So here we are, facing the possibility of a new chapter in our life. A scary chapter. A chapter of "the unknown". (Hey look at that, that can be the title) OR, life could continue on as usual!
Right now, I'm just ready for it to be Wednesday!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Happy Mother's Day
A dream realized. A dream so longed for, so prayed for, so wanted. And today, I have a dream realized. As I type this that dream is crawling around on the floor, barking at Joy and wearing his daddy's shoes, full of life and spunk. :-)
I'm so thankful for the little boy that is in my arms. I have been entrusted with him, to raise him, love him, show him how to love our Lord and mold him in to an amazing man of God. He is my beautiful miracle, he dances with freedom and not a lick of concern to what others think of him, he tries my patience and has learned how to get away with things with his daddy. He is MY ultimate joy. I have never known a love so great, so deep and so unconditional as the love of my child, second only to my Father's love and the love of my husband. I am truly blessed.
I braved Mother's Day service at church yesterday. Because, even with this miracle in my arms, my heart yearns for another little one. Over a year has passed since we officially started "trying" again on our own, even though we know it will take a miracle by ourselves. We are trying to wait, patiently, for God's direction on how He will expand our family. And waiting is hard, and it hurts. And yet our lives are full.
IF has left its mark on my heart, I am forever changed by this journey, forever scarred. I struggle with the intense yearning for a second child, for the completion of our little family, for the second one we pray for every day, just like we pray for Sam. Yet I am full of guilt and grief for even contemplating that my heart hurts, that my journey is a struggle, that I have sadness that I don't have another little one when there is one in my arms. That, is the mark of secondary infertility. A monster rearing its ugly head, but in the silence, in the dark corners of my heart where no one can see. I feel ugly and torn by this journey, broken in two by the conflict of joy and heartache. But it battles quietly in the stillness of my heart, because in THIS ache I NEVER want to sound ungrateful. Because I am TRULY blessed by this little boy in my arms. But my heart hurts, and breaks again every month that I am confirmed to not have a pregnancy in me.
I've only gone to maybe 3 services for Mother's day in the last decade. Last year and this year were the two most recent. I walked through the doors in tears, already struggling within myself. Being able to raise my hand and say, "YES! I am a mother!", but knowing this deep quiet yearning inside me is thriving and growing each day. Most of the time its just a day to celebrate the moms, something VERY important, without a doubt. I have an amazing mom and I love being able to celebrate her! She is my lifeline in times of need, I can't imagine life without her.
But this service was different...Our pastor stood and asked if he could pray for the other women in the congregation. The women who are waiting, grieving, hoping for their children. The ones whose arms are so heavy with emptiness and yearning for children in their arms. Oh how I cried, sobbed really. The women in front of me probably thought I was nuts as they passed me the tissues. Oh how I could relate!!! I REMEMBER being the one with empty arms, feeling forgotten and overlooked on Mother's day, and knowing so many that are STILL waiting, my heart hopes with them, prays with them and so deeply grieves with them. And then my own pain breaks through and knocks the wind out of me. How dare I? How dare I even begin to hurt! Is it not unfair that my arms are full and theirs are still waiting??? And the vicious, ugly, conflicted cycle continues.
I am very blessed to have women in my life who love me so unconditionally. And can help me in this kind of conflict. Who knew that my dear friend G would have to be walking THIS part of our IF journey with me as well!!! She was a life force, a true corner stone in our IF journey and through the IVF and finally to Sam. And now I find myself leaning on her again as we struggle, silently, in our SI journey. I'm so grateful she is patient with me, and allows me a place to unload the silence.
I messaged her, yes while in church, and her words hit home...
...no need to feel bad about feeling sad... Just because you are grateful for Sammy doesn't negate your very real need and normal desire to have more than one child. No one would ever tell a person who didn't struggle with infertility that they were ungrateful for what they have if they wanted a second but us IFs feel guilty if we want what is normal for most. No guilt sweetie. Your dreams are real, your pain is real and you have reason to be sad EVEN when you are glad and grateful for Sammy. Nothing wrong with being human...
Thank you Lord for this woman in my life! There is something about validation with what you are feeling. Being told "it's OK!!" to feel what you are feeling. Needless to say the flood gates opened with this. Well continued to flood. In fact tears are flowing now. I am a mother, but it is OK for me to hurt within this struggle.
Maybe we are on this new round of an IF journey for us to again try and help those in our place. Those who have "graduated" yet are hurting, just like us. I don't like this roller coaster, and would rather get off please, but the desire for completion of our family is a much stronger urge.
If you have made it this far, I bless you. Because I know that I'm all kinds of jumbled confusion. Believe me I know it. I read it and become even more confused!! :-) But it is helpful, healing and a tad cathartic for me to type all this nonsense out. Just as it once was on our journey to Sam.
For my PI buds, for those still waiting, who have lost their littles and are waiting for their arms to be full, I don't forget, I continue to pray for you daily...I ask that you be patient with me on THIS journey for us.
Happy Mother's Day. Have a blessed day in the Lord.
I'm so thankful for the little boy that is in my arms. I have been entrusted with him, to raise him, love him, show him how to love our Lord and mold him in to an amazing man of God. He is my beautiful miracle, he dances with freedom and not a lick of concern to what others think of him, he tries my patience and has learned how to get away with things with his daddy. He is MY ultimate joy. I have never known a love so great, so deep and so unconditional as the love of my child, second only to my Father's love and the love of my husband. I am truly blessed.
I braved Mother's Day service at church yesterday. Because, even with this miracle in my arms, my heart yearns for another little one. Over a year has passed since we officially started "trying" again on our own, even though we know it will take a miracle by ourselves. We are trying to wait, patiently, for God's direction on how He will expand our family. And waiting is hard, and it hurts. And yet our lives are full.
IF has left its mark on my heart, I am forever changed by this journey, forever scarred. I struggle with the intense yearning for a second child, for the completion of our little family, for the second one we pray for every day, just like we pray for Sam. Yet I am full of guilt and grief for even contemplating that my heart hurts, that my journey is a struggle, that I have sadness that I don't have another little one when there is one in my arms. That, is the mark of secondary infertility. A monster rearing its ugly head, but in the silence, in the dark corners of my heart where no one can see. I feel ugly and torn by this journey, broken in two by the conflict of joy and heartache. But it battles quietly in the stillness of my heart, because in THIS ache I NEVER want to sound ungrateful. Because I am TRULY blessed by this little boy in my arms. But my heart hurts, and breaks again every month that I am confirmed to not have a pregnancy in me.
I've only gone to maybe 3 services for Mother's day in the last decade. Last year and this year were the two most recent. I walked through the doors in tears, already struggling within myself. Being able to raise my hand and say, "YES! I am a mother!", but knowing this deep quiet yearning inside me is thriving and growing each day. Most of the time its just a day to celebrate the moms, something VERY important, without a doubt. I have an amazing mom and I love being able to celebrate her! She is my lifeline in times of need, I can't imagine life without her.
But this service was different...Our pastor stood and asked if he could pray for the other women in the congregation. The women who are waiting, grieving, hoping for their children. The ones whose arms are so heavy with emptiness and yearning for children in their arms. Oh how I cried, sobbed really. The women in front of me probably thought I was nuts as they passed me the tissues. Oh how I could relate!!! I REMEMBER being the one with empty arms, feeling forgotten and overlooked on Mother's day, and knowing so many that are STILL waiting, my heart hopes with them, prays with them and so deeply grieves with them. And then my own pain breaks through and knocks the wind out of me. How dare I? How dare I even begin to hurt! Is it not unfair that my arms are full and theirs are still waiting??? And the vicious, ugly, conflicted cycle continues.
I am very blessed to have women in my life who love me so unconditionally. And can help me in this kind of conflict. Who knew that my dear friend G would have to be walking THIS part of our IF journey with me as well!!! She was a life force, a true corner stone in our IF journey and through the IVF and finally to Sam. And now I find myself leaning on her again as we struggle, silently, in our SI journey. I'm so grateful she is patient with me, and allows me a place to unload the silence.
I messaged her, yes while in church, and her words hit home...
...no need to feel bad about feeling sad... Just because you are grateful for Sammy doesn't negate your very real need and normal desire to have more than one child. No one would ever tell a person who didn't struggle with infertility that they were ungrateful for what they have if they wanted a second but us IFs feel guilty if we want what is normal for most. No guilt sweetie. Your dreams are real, your pain is real and you have reason to be sad EVEN when you are glad and grateful for Sammy. Nothing wrong with being human...
Thank you Lord for this woman in my life! There is something about validation with what you are feeling. Being told "it's OK!!" to feel what you are feeling. Needless to say the flood gates opened with this. Well continued to flood. In fact tears are flowing now. I am a mother, but it is OK for me to hurt within this struggle.
Maybe we are on this new round of an IF journey for us to again try and help those in our place. Those who have "graduated" yet are hurting, just like us. I don't like this roller coaster, and would rather get off please, but the desire for completion of our family is a much stronger urge.
If you have made it this far, I bless you. Because I know that I'm all kinds of jumbled confusion. Believe me I know it. I read it and become even more confused!! :-) But it is helpful, healing and a tad cathartic for me to type all this nonsense out. Just as it once was on our journey to Sam.
For my PI buds, for those still waiting, who have lost their littles and are waiting for their arms to be full, I don't forget, I continue to pray for you daily...I ask that you be patient with me on THIS journey for us.
Happy Mother's Day. Have a blessed day in the Lord.
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