The Unknown...

Hmm, I will type before coming up with a title, because I don't know what to title this post. We haven't really said anything to anyone, but we have been dealing with a terrifying possibility.

I have a mass in my left breast.

It all started as some soreness and finding a lump. 5 days ago I went for my first ever mammogram and u/s, where the lump I found was nothing (praise God!), but we have found another. And unfortunately its solid (not cystic) and suspicious. So I be-bopped my way to the breast surgeon and I am scheduled for a needle biopsy on Wednesday (5/22). It has been a whirlwind of a week!

I'm 34 y/o and I am facing the possibility of, gulp, cancer.

Now of course there is a nice chance that it will be just a benign mass that is being a pest and of course that is our hope and prayer! But just the possibility brings an overwhelming, uncontrollable fear. It is messing with my routine, my sleep (hence the 1230am typing) and just flat out scares the CRAP out of me.

The surgeons extra concern is because of the hormones I took for IVF, and the vast increase of Estrogen in my body for the IVF process. Great IF could come back and bite me in the butt for this too, seriously?? Can't a girl catch a break?

*SIGH*

So my husband, by my side, has been walking (er um rolling) me through this process. Standing (sitting) beside me while I freak out, do OK, then have a mini melt down at 2 in the morning. I know that God is in control, I know that God will walk us through whatever we have to face, I know that nothing happens that hasn't sifted through His hands, but I. AM. SCARED.

To think I yearned for my little boy for so long and the very thing that brought him to me could cause me illness makes me frustrated and angry. Its really NOT fair. Yes I know life's not fair, but for the love of God, gimme a break already!

And, hopefully chances are, it will be nothing. My prayer and desire is for it to be nothing! I have a love/hate relationship with my breasts anyway, but I don't want to contemplate losing either one without it being on MY terms. So this needs to be nothing. :-)

So here we are, facing the possibility of a new chapter in our life. A scary chapter. A chapter of "the unknown". (Hey look at that, that can be the title) OR, life could continue on as usual!

Right now, I'm just ready for it to be Wednesday!!! Have a blessed day in the Lord!