Happy Mother's Day

A dream realized. A dream so longed for, so prayed for, so wanted. And today, I have a dream realized. As I type this that dream is crawling around on the floor, barking at Joy and wearing his daddy's shoes, full of life and spunk. :-)

I'm so thankful for the little boy that is in my arms. I have been entrusted with him, to raise him, love him, show him how to love our Lord and mold him in to an amazing man of God.  He is my beautiful miracle, he dances with freedom and not a lick of concern to what others think of him, he tries my patience and has learned how to get away with things with his daddy. He is MY ultimate joy. I have never known a love so great, so deep and so unconditional as the love of my child, second only to my Father's love and the love of my husband. I am truly blessed.

I braved Mother's Day service at church yesterday. Because, even with this miracle in my arms, my heart yearns for another little one. Over a year has passed since we officially started "trying" again on our own, even though we know it will take a miracle by ourselves. We are trying to wait, patiently, for God's direction on how He will expand our family. And waiting is hard, and it hurts. And yet our lives are full.

IF has left its mark on my heart, I am forever changed by this journey, forever scarred. I struggle with the intense yearning for a second child, for the completion of our little family, for the second one we pray for every day, just like we pray for Sam. Yet I am full of guilt and grief for even contemplating that my heart hurts, that my journey is a struggle, that I have sadness that I don't have another little one when there is one in my arms. That, is the mark of secondary infertility.  A monster rearing its ugly head, but in the silence, in the dark corners of my heart where no one can see. I feel ugly and torn by this journey, broken in two by the conflict of joy and heartache. But it battles quietly in the stillness of my heart, because in THIS ache I NEVER want to sound ungrateful.  Because I am TRULY blessed by this little boy in my arms. But my heart hurts, and breaks again every month that I am confirmed to not have a pregnancy in me.

I've only gone to maybe 3 services for Mother's day in the last decade. Last year and this year were the two most recent. I walked through the doors in tears, already struggling within myself. Being able to raise my hand and say, "YES! I am a mother!", but knowing this deep quiet yearning inside me is thriving and growing each day. Most of the time its just a day to celebrate the moms, something VERY important, without a doubt. I have an amazing mom and I love being able to celebrate her! She is my lifeline in times of need, I can't imagine life without her.

But this service was different...Our pastor stood and asked if he could pray for the other women in the congregation. The women who are waiting, grieving, hoping for their children. The ones whose arms are so heavy with emptiness and yearning for children in their arms. Oh how I cried, sobbed really. The women in front of me probably thought I was nuts as they passed me the tissues. Oh how I could relate!!! I REMEMBER being the one with empty arms, feeling forgotten and overlooked on Mother's day, and knowing so many that are STILL waiting, my heart hopes with them, prays with them and so deeply grieves with them. And then my own pain breaks through and knocks the wind out of me. How dare I? How dare I even begin to hurt! Is it not unfair that my arms are full and theirs are still waiting??? And the vicious, ugly, conflicted cycle continues.

I am very blessed to have women in my life who love me so unconditionally. And can help me in this kind of conflict. Who knew that my dear friend G would have to be walking THIS part of our IF journey with me as well!!! She was a life force, a true corner stone in our IF journey and through the IVF and finally to Sam. And now I find myself leaning on her again as we struggle, silently, in our SI journey. I'm so grateful she is patient with me, and allows me a place to unload the silence.

I messaged her, yes while in church, and her words hit home...

...no need to feel bad about feeling sad... Just because you are grateful for Sammy doesn't negate your very real need and normal desire to have more than one child. No one would ever tell a person who didn't struggle with infertility that they were ungrateful for what they have if they wanted a second but us IFs feel guilty if we want what is normal for most. No guilt sweetie. Your dreams are real, your pain is real and you have reason to be sad EVEN when you are glad and grateful for Sammy. Nothing wrong with being human...

Thank you Lord for this woman in my life! There is something about validation with what you are feeling. Being told "it's OK!!" to feel what you are feeling. Needless to say the flood gates opened with this. Well continued to flood. In fact tears are flowing now. I am a mother, but it is OK for me to hurt within this struggle.

Maybe we are on this new round of an IF journey for us to again try and help those in our place. Those who have "graduated" yet are hurting, just like us. I don't like this roller coaster, and would rather get off please, but the desire for completion of our family is a much stronger urge.

If you have made it this far, I bless you. Because I know that I'm all kinds of jumbled confusion. Believe me I know it. I read it and become even more confused!! :-) But it is helpful, healing and a tad cathartic for me to type all this nonsense out. Just as it once was on our journey to Sam.

For my PI buds, for those still waiting, who have lost their littles and are waiting for their arms to be full, I don't forget, I continue to pray for you daily...I ask that you be patient with me on THIS journey for us.

Happy Mother's Day. Have a blessed day in the Lord.