5 years ago....

So this post has been brewing around in my brain for several days now. Even in the midst of Matt's crisis, my heart's desire and unfortunately my empty arms have been in the forefront of my mind.

5 years ago today...

We prayerfully decided it was time for us to expand our family...

5 years ago today...

My first cycle free of birth control pills and ready to go and actively Try to Conceive (TTC)

5 years ago today...

I began the anticipation, excitement, joy, fear, nervousness, and elation at the possibility that a little one would be in my arms within a year. That little one that I've thought about and prayed for my whole life. That little one that would complete our family, expanding on the love and joy we have with each other. A physical representation of that love together Matt and I have.

5 years later...

I had no idea I'd still be here, empty arms, shattered dreams, and a broken heart. That I'd have gone through all these tests, procedures, surgeries, violations, pokings, proddings, and humiliations, and yet still be left with empty arms. I had no idea 5 years ago, when I innocently walked into this decision, overwhelmed with possibilities and joy, that this is where I'd be, 5 years later.

Now mind you we have some amazing blessings in our life, I'm more in love with my hubby then I ever have been, and I'm grateful for that love, and the love of our family and Savior. But I'm still here, yearning for these children that God has laid on my heart. These two precious wee ones that have been a part of me my entire life, before I knew their names, before I knew what I wanted. Shoot before I had a hubby to try and make them with! :)

There is a relatively new song I've been hearing on the radio from Tenth Avenue North called "Love is Here".

Here are the lyrics:

Come to the waters, you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the Father, you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed.

Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.

Come to the treasure, you who search and you'll search no more.
Come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more, no.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed.

Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.

And to the bruised and fallen,
captives, bound, and broken hearted.

He is the lord
He is the lord,
yeah

By His stripes He's paid our ransom
From His wounds we drink salvation

He is the lord
He is the lord

Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here,
Love is here.

God has been speaking to me through these words. Funny b/c its a local band too! talk about reaching out and touching someone local! HA

These words: And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed.
I have "labored" and worked through so much and tried so hard to have a child and all of it seems to be in vain. I feel left in pieces, a barren woman unable to provide children for her husband. Unable to bring a beautiful life into this world so I can raise it up right and raise him/her in the Lord. A child that can bring a great sense of purpose and love into my life. I feel broken.

But the next words: Love is here. Love is now.
Love is pouring from His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.

His love is here, right now. His mercy is new every day, His love is here for me every morning with the sunrise and holds me as I drift to sleep in the sunset. And not just droplets of love, but pouring, overflowing, everlasting streams of love. Love that brings purpose to my life, to my husbands life, whether we are childless or not.

And to the bruised and fallen,
captives, bound, and broken hearted.

He is the lord
He is the lord,

In it all, HE IS THE LORD! He is my Lord, whether I'm on the top of the mountain, excited about new things, or down in the pit, fallen by shame and brokenness, captive by my pain, bound by my desire and yearning, and broken hearted by my shattered dreams. HE IS LORD. He is my Lord, NO MATTER WHAT. And I'm not alone through this. My God is with me, and Matt. Beside me holding me, nourishing and refreshing me with His living waters. Loving me through these trials...And you know what? He really does satisfy. But I have to take the step, I have to except His living waters, and refresh my spirit. And in the midst of the pain and deep dark grief, its a very hard thing to do.

I'm in tears as I write b/c I truly am broken hearted and empty. I yearn so very deeply for my children. I dream about them, loving them, holding them. I dream of when that day comes that they are mine and physically with me, and no longer just a dream. I grieve the loss of the innocence that started 5 years ago, that sweet sweet innocence. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, I'm just writing as my heart flows with the tears.

For now, all I can do is hold on to my faith, even my frayed tattered faith, but its still there. Maybe my tears are the physical of His living waters, soothing my weary broken soul. Maybe its His waters that will fill the emptiness inside of me. Maybe one day I'll come out the other side of this and still know that My God is LORD. Til that day comes when my tears are for joy, that is all I can hold on to, My LORD and his streams of flowing Love...Love is here...

Have a blessed day in the Lord.