Struggling tonight.....

Matt is at a poker game and for the first time in 4 months I actually have the house to myself for a few hours. I'm exhausted and should really just go to bed, but I find myself reminiscing. I find in the quiet of my house and my brain, being there is nothing to do, I'm left staring at the proverbial elephant in the room, that I"ve had no choice but to ignore during this health crisis with Matt. But I'm overwhelmed with the emotion of loss and pain....And I'm alone to endure it.

We just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last week and b/c Matt and I have been struggling the last few months through all of this, I thought it would be neat just to watch our wedding video. So I'm seeing all the fun and glory of that day just 6 years ago...It was surreal to see, its seems like yesterday and also like forever ago, almost like a dream...And so many of you were there!!

I saw my uncle, Oma, Matt's uncle and aunt who have all since left this world and are residing in a palace in heaven...They were all so happy and healthy and vibrant with life, it was kinda neat, but struck a heart string of sadness.

Then I found myself looking at all these several couples that married the same year as us, or after us. One is baking their first child, one set has 2 already, another has her 3rd on the way, another has 3 now, and my childhood bff has 2 since then.

We're it, we are the last couple w/o children. And not for lack of trying of course. I just think back to that day and that bride who looked at her whole future, seeing a career, a loving Hubby, and a couple a babies in tow...All I've ever wanted to be was a nurse and a mommy. I've never had any other dream or desire so strong, so determined....

But I"m not her anymore. I have the wonderful hubby, even tho times are hard and we're struggling, he truly is. I have a career i love, filled with the sound of children who I care for daily. But that dream, the one with the babies? Its not here, and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. A year we've been on hold now, unable to move forward in this journey. 12 months of attempts that are washed down the drain b/c of lack of WHATEVER....

I'm so tired of standing still unable to go forward with this. If I could go forward, do IVF or adoption or whatever, at least TRY the next step and it doesn't work, then fine, I can come to grips with this not being God's will. But I can't even do that. I can't afford to even TRY to have a baby. I can't do a thing but sit here month after month after month w/o any ability to move forward. And no matter what we do to save up and attempt, it gets taken away. By illness, medical equipment, bills, wheelchairs, conversions, illness. I'm so tired of being on hold. I'm so tired of being empty armed. Its just not fair...

My BABY cousin, who was at my wedding, He and his wife of just a year are expecting their first child! I'm So thrilled for them and He's so happy and they are so deserving, but I ask God, "why not us?"...Why everyone around us and not us? Why do we have to keep going month after month, year after year, and yet just barely together, so happy and deserving, they are blessed with this wee one, and again its not us...I have to watch my dream lived out through others, watch all these fulfilled dreams for all these people around me and yet my dream is just slipping away. Everyone around me is attaining this blessing and I'm left here alone and empty arms. And I may never attain it.....And that hurts so bad. I yearn, I ACHE for a child. I care for kids for a living, I watch bad parents abuse, neglect, abandon these little ones who I would give almost anything to have of my own. And yet God ignores my cry and passes these helpless wee ones to homes w/o love. I weep and yet it feels as if my hurt, my pain, my tears fall on a God with deaf ears. I know he is a good God a gracious God, but how can He allow this? It hurts too much, and no one deserves to endure this....

Why don't I deserve a child? Why don't we?? Why is it they are blessed beyond measure and yet my dreams are shattered all around me??? I don't understand I don't get it. My hubby and I have enough struggles and trials and tribulations to endure, and we've come out of it, strong, united, and still in LOVE. And yet we are given yet another cross to bear and I just don't know how much more I can take. I am feeling so broken, isolated, empty. My arms hurt, physically hurt and nothing I do takes the pain away...

I want to be a mommy. Please God I want to be a mommy...Father hear my cries!!