Overwhelming day...

So I, rather we, had our RE (reproductive endocrinology) appt today. And I'm beyond overwhelmed...I have already had a mini break down, OK honestly SEVERAL mini breakdowns, I'm sure more to come...I'm frustrated, angry and annoyed that we have to go through IF, and taken aback by the cost and just everything. This is gonna be long folks, so grab a snack while you read!

First off, went to GYN this morning and he informed me that I had a ruptured cyst, probably what caused the pain, and continued pain. Will be a bit before I bounce back. Especially b/c it is probably irritating and already irritated section of my body. He also thinks I need a lap for the Endometriosis, but wanted the RE to make the decision. RE agrees w/ ruptured cyst diagnosis. He doesn't care one way or the other if I do a lap now, so if I need pain relief, that's between my GYN and me. So I'm gonna call tomorrow to have him schedule ASAP, b/c i no feel good. I'm taking percocet around the clock and I'm pale, weak, and shaky. They kept asking me at Dr. R (RE) if I was OK b/c I was so pale. Even Matt shared I looked like crap. Thanks hun.

I'm so overwhelmed. Now I know some of you money is not an issue and little bits here and there don't seem like a lot, but for us, money is always a problem. When your buying new equipment, and physical therapy and junk like what we've got to do for Matt and such each month or every 6 months or whenever, it drains income. We're very blessed that we've had so much help, but sometimes we are begging God for the help to make it month to month. And of course He provides. So its overwhelming to have more debt just to try and GET preggie. AND its angers me to no end that we have to SPEND this much and be in debt for a chance, so don't mind the frustration. IF SUCKS and is NOT FAIR!!! But we knew that.

That said.

Just prelim testing WITH insurance will be $1000, which we don't have. Matt has to have a special SA (semen analysis) thing that is $595, that is the SA itself and something called SDD(sperm DNA decodensation assay) He also has to have multiple labs drawn b/c of low counts, and check for the missing y link blah blah thingy in his blood. Some we can send out, some we can't so those that have to be done in house are $250.

Now my stuff: When my period begins I have to go in for a CD3 (cycle day) lab draws for all the hormones (FSH, LH, Prog, Estrogen, LMNOP you know the usual) AND do a GTT (glucose check for diabetes and hypoglycemia) and check for insulin resistance, which was never done by any other docs when diagnosed with PCOS. I'm also doing the cortisol saliva test the night before to check for Cushing's disease, which will probably be negative, but b/c of PCOS and how it is similar to cushings, they check. They'll also do an u/s (trans vag of course) and check for "Egg production" fun oh fun. Lemme tell you how much fun an internal u/s is during your period.

Then on CD 8, 9 or 10 I have to have a cervical and endometrial biopsy. Which requires me to take 4 Advil and hour before and feel crampy for lovely hours after that. Thank God I've got some percocet near by, Just in case!! Now its about $275 out of pocket for this stuff for me...(i know chump change to some, but a lot for us) with all the other odds and ends its about $1000 JUST FOR PRELIM. sigh

Then about 3 weeks later we will regroup wait for test results and come up with a plan. Which all signs are pointing toward IVF which runs approx $18-20,000. Yes you can pick up your jaw from the floor. It truly is that much. And mind you, this is to make a baby, something that is normally FREE and FUN...Right.

Peachy. Now the fun part. I'm too fat. Yes that's right, my BMI (Body Mass Index) is to high and I have to see a nutritional chick and exercise 5x week for 45 min a day. Or rather work up to it. And I need to get my BMI under 30% before they prefer to start doing treatments. B/c for every BMI score above 30 you have a 5% increased chance in failure. And being my BMI is 37% I have a 35% GREATER chance in failure on TOP of our endo, PCOS, and MF issues. Nothing like a gut busting blow to end the day. He changed my Metformin which I take for the PCOS to XR or extended release and to take it all at once at dinner time. Which is fine, so that should help if I do indeed have insulin resistance, and to give a steady level of insulin/BG. So i have to start a PCOS diet and exercise and get nice and thin, which I've never been in my life. TO even get below 30% i need to lose 50lbs, which is such an overwhelming goal for me I could scream. So to know on top of being an IF chick, I'm a fat IF chick. I've struggled with weight my whole life, and now to be told its part of why I can't get pg, is down right insulting, hurtful, frustrating. Especially b/c every day at work I see obese, drug addicts, unhealthy people get PG. And the catch is that I've gained so much weight BECAUSE of treatments, and now its hindering me continuing. He wasn't mean or anything about it, very matter of fact, just another low blow and a tad bit of a crush to my weak wobbly ego. So diet/exercise specifically for PCOS, dietitian. Should be fun. Oh she costs $100...

I'm so overwhelmed, and all we are doing is testing. WE wasted THOUSANDS of dollars at the other RE for nothing, and here we have to start all over. Its not fair, its not fair we have to do this, and pay so much money. I hate IF. I HATE IT! grr. so I'm melting down something fierce. I don't feel good, I hurt physically and mentally. Probably doesn't help that I'm still so icky from the cyst POPPING. There are days I wonder what Matt and I did to deserve this path...All we want, is to be parents. My friend H said it perfect today. IF is not a JOURNEY, but rather a hijacking! B/c I did not CHOOSE this path, I was forced upon it. I like that terminology. I feel so much like we are being punished, or that maybe we're not meant to be...But the idea of that hurts so much, I could scream or puke, or both. sigh

So that's it so far, Matt goes for the SA stuff next week, and I go see the nutritionist in about 3 weeks. and lord willing for a lap this week or next. If you are worn out from reading, you'll see how I'm feeling. I know God has a plan for our life. And this RE seems like he is extremely thorough and with a high success rate. He was very nice and compassionate to my "I'm fat cow" melt down that I had, and I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful. But when you've had this struggle your whole life, and now it keeps you from the dream you've always had. Well, quite frankly, IT SUCKS. But I think he is a good choice for the next phase, the last phase, of trying to conceive. Because folks, realistically, this is our last chance...

I guess if we do go forward with IVF, it will be next summer give or take. Gives us about 6-8 months to raise money and get my weight down. (Be in thoughts for ideas peoples. We need to fundraise!) Please pray for us over the next few weeks. I'm overwhelmed absorbing all of this. Its been a very overwhelming couple of days!!! You who is reading, are you crazed yet? :)

Thanks. Me and my percocet brain are going to bed. Have a blessed day in the Lord.