Bittersweet....

Bittersweet. My dear friend H nailed it. I was describing to her our weekend.

One of my IF buddies came down to visit us with her hub and her miracle IVF babies. They are 20 mos old and absolutely fabulous girls! They ran me ragged to the point of an all afternoon nap yesterday! (Matt too!!) They are such an amazing miracle. Not only their creation, but that they survived her mother who needed over 4 months of bed rest to bring these little miracles safely in the world after needing IVF and IV medicine to shut down her natural killer cells that attacked the babies in-utero.

And yet, my heart is bittersweet.....

R was such a great friend and is not one who has "forgotten" her IF and the 6 year struggle of IF and loss she had endured. She gave me time and space with hugs and love through each step. She is pretty amazing like that. I loved holding her babies, praising God for their existence and the miracle of their little lives. And yet my heart was breaking inside for me. Just physical pain at the ache that comes from me lacking my own little ones. I held on to her one little girl, B...She and I hit it off and she was a snuggle bug. Crawling all over me, hugging me, blowing me kisses and snuggling close when she was sleepy...I held this little girl and imagined what it would be like if she was mine...To have my little girl snuggling with me. But she's not, and I don't know, and may never know what its like to have my little girl snuggling in my arms, rubbing my face and giving me kisses...

I cried myself to sleep, with my husband holding me...I don't even know if he was aware of the heartache I was experiencing. The ache of empty arms and a broken heart.

Yes I believe bittersweet is the perfect word....