Infertility Insight

My online IF buddie, Merideth, has been struggling for the last few days with some insensitive comments/situations from her family. Ultimately her family, in their minds, were trying to protect her heart from hurt by not informing her of the birth of her niece. All though their intentions were good, ultimately their choice of action caused a great deal more pain and rifted their relationship. Thank God, they are working at their relationships and hopefully in time, Mer and her family will be once again united and healed.

On her blog, Mer posted a snippet from the book, “Hannah’s Hope” by Jennifer Saake, which I highly recommend for the infertile and the family of the infertile. Jennifer has a great way of expressing what us in the IF world are TRYING to say but comes out wrong, and how to work with our emotions and our hurting hearts. I know in my family, they have greatly improved in their sensitivity toward Matt and I and our IF life. But there are still times when situations that cause for delicacy (ex: informing me that someone is preggie), I've ended up more hurt by the WAY I was told over just the information that AGAIN someone has moved forward to a child and I'm left behind. For example, finding out that my family has pulled proverbial straws to decide who is going to tell me about said pregnancy, well that is kind of insulting. I know INTENTIONS are good, no one wants to be responsible to tell Talley the hurtful news, but it makes me feel like a burden, a bother. "Who is stuck with the chore of telling Talley." If you look at it from my point of view, it can be hurtful to know that someone was BURDENED with telling me news. Where as to have just told me the news, I could deal with the hurt of the news and move on, yet now I'm struggling with the hurt of how I was told as well. I think Jenni says it all in this snippet from "Hannah's Hope":

Communication is imperative. You can have all the general guidelines in the world, but you can best minister to me by getting to know my heart and learning my triggers for rejoicing or heartache. When in doubt, ask me directly.

In some ways you are in a “no-win” situation. If you ignore me when it is time to send out baby shower invitations or birth announcements, it may make me feel all the more removed from normalcy. Yet if you do include me and I’m having an especially hard day, I may feel you have been insensitive. One idea might be to send me the same baby shower invitation that you are sending all your friends, but inside include a handwritten note acknowledging that you know this might bring me pain. Let me know that I am free to come or not, as I so desire, but that you love me and are praying for me.

My grief has made me vulnerable, this sometimes I misunderstand what you say to me or take your words the wrong way. Please be patient with me. I do not want you to feel like you can’t say anything to me or share from your heart, for I desire for you to talk to me and be my friend now more than ever! Please do not always wait for me to take initiative to get together and talk. I need you to be the one reaching out to me. It reassures me that you haven’t stopped caring about me and still desire to be with me even when it is tough. *I find this one especially perfect with regards to my friends who have moved on to parent children*

And please, don’t just assume things about me during this time of mourning. As me and let me share with you what I am learning. Above all please keep me in your ongoing prayers. And every now and then, call me on the phone or drop me a note in the mail just to remind me that you are praying.

(Please visit http://www.hannah.org/resources/friends.htm for more resources.)

Doesn't she just say it so well? And without disrespect or rudeness and with insightful ways to work with the heart of an IFer.

I find it important to share my heart with all of my "faithful readers". I find that education and understanding and peace come when the lines of communication are wide open. You, the reader, can not learn from me, the writer, if I do not tell you what it is I feel or how things effect me or Matt during this journey. I know that God has a reason for allowing us to have gone so long w/o a child, I have to hold to that. Some days its the only hope that gets me through to tomorrow. I'm hoping that through my experiences, trials, and endurance of this journey, that maybe, JUST MAYBE, someone will learn from my experiences. Maybe by sharing our story, one person will be helped, less hurt, or more educated regarding infertility. And through it all, maybe that person will see Christ through me and ultimately receive the blessing of Jesus in their life. Wouldn't that make this entire drama all worthwhile!! But for now I will continue to share our journey with you. Thank you for standing beside us, as we walk this road that God has laid out before us!

Have a blessed day in the Lord!!

***Edited to add***
I just wanted to make it very clear that I hold no grudge, animosity, or anger toward any friend or family member! If God has taught me anything, it is to be patient b/c He is not through with me or anyone else yet! This post was more for insight and educating those new to IF or to a family member with IF...I love my family dearly and they have come so far in their understanding and sensitivity to our situation!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!